Tired
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Tired
I am tired. Really tired. I just want to move out and move on already. I can’t get him saying that I am “turning him into a monster” out of my head. I am not making anything up. I do not lie. I am perceiving things how I always have, and feel the way I always have. I am not sure how or what is getting back to him but he never did hear what I was thinking or feeling unless it came out of someone else’s mouth. It was such a shame, if I had any hope at all of my ex really *hearing* what I was trying to say it had to come from someone else. I don’t appreciate him trying to once again, create doubt about what happened to me.
He doesn’t care about what he has done because he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. I am being asked to think about who he reminds me of… my mom. Someone that I love and hate so much at the same time; who “didn’t love me enough” to stop drinking; who left me; who was not able to have the tough conversations or really bond with me; someone so self absorbed they don’t know they are self absorbed.
As this mess gets closer to finally ending there are a bunch of feelings coming up. I knew this would happen but after feeling so steady for so many weeks it is really throwing me off. It is so clear how screwed up our dynamic is; me still trying to pull away and just maintain my sanity and everything becoming unraveled when we have to communicate about something. I can be flying high on a cloud and one text sends me crashing! I never thought I would react in such a way to him. It makes me sad. I don’t know when it got to this point. It must have happened slowly over time.
The problem is when we text, I am emotionally sent back in time to when things were “good”. When I didn’t complain about his drinking or going out all night because I was doing it too. When I didn’t mind doing all the cleaning and laundry in between my workouts and sometimes cooking too, which was his chore.
How did I not see how unbalanced our dynamic was this whole time? If I can forgive him, why am I having such a hard time forgiving myself? It doesn’t feel good to think back to our relationship and feel that it wasn’t good enough for me, but it wasn’t. He told me he knew his worth, was I that bad to him?
I wanted an emotional connection; to be able to talk to someone about my hopes and fears; to be with someone who is happy and supports me; who doesn’t rely on me to carry a conversation; who has goals or dreams for the future; someone who always wants to be better than they were; someone who can accept responsibility!
I don’t like how his words cause me to doubt my reality… I know what I went through, I know how I felt. I am so tired of still not being heard. How does he know exactly what to say to get me to spiral down?
He doesn’t care about what he has done because he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. I am being asked to think about who he reminds me of… my mom. Someone that I love and hate so much at the same time; who “didn’t love me enough” to stop drinking; who left me; who was not able to have the tough conversations or really bond with me; someone so self absorbed they don’t know they are self absorbed.
As this mess gets closer to finally ending there are a bunch of feelings coming up. I knew this would happen but after feeling so steady for so many weeks it is really throwing me off. It is so clear how screwed up our dynamic is; me still trying to pull away and just maintain my sanity and everything becoming unraveled when we have to communicate about something. I can be flying high on a cloud and one text sends me crashing! I never thought I would react in such a way to him. It makes me sad. I don’t know when it got to this point. It must have happened slowly over time.
The problem is when we text, I am emotionally sent back in time to when things were “good”. When I didn’t complain about his drinking or going out all night because I was doing it too. When I didn’t mind doing all the cleaning and laundry in between my workouts and sometimes cooking too, which was his chore.
How did I not see how unbalanced our dynamic was this whole time? If I can forgive him, why am I having such a hard time forgiving myself? It doesn’t feel good to think back to our relationship and feel that it wasn’t good enough for me, but it wasn’t. He told me he knew his worth, was I that bad to him?
I wanted an emotional connection; to be able to talk to someone about my hopes and fears; to be with someone who is happy and supports me; who doesn’t rely on me to carry a conversation; who has goals or dreams for the future; someone who always wants to be better than they were; someone who can accept responsibility!
I don’t like how his words cause me to doubt my reality… I know what I went through, I know how I felt. I am so tired of still not being heard. How does he know exactly what to say to get me to spiral down?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: WA
Posts: 9
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful... our thinking becomes distorted and confused... but there is help for us too. I hope you are able to attend meetings for yourself and learn a new way of thinking.... you are worth it!
Kat
Kat
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know how exhausting it is. Give yourself a break when you can.
Are the texts truly necessary? You could block his texts, after letting him know that you will respond ONLY to necessary emails. Set up a rule in your inbox folder for his emails, and set up a discrete time period for review and response (if a response is needed) or immediate deletion if it's just self-pitying or manipulative crap.
Hugs,
Are the texts truly necessary? You could block his texts, after letting him know that you will respond ONLY to necessary emails. Set up a rule in your inbox folder for his emails, and set up a discrete time period for review and response (if a response is needed) or immediate deletion if it's just self-pitying or manipulative crap.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The problem is when we text, I am emotionally sent back in time to when things were “good”.
hmmm, let's look at that a bit. a TEXT is what.....a limited number of words crammed into a small screen about the size of a slice of cheese. just words on a screen - maybe a smilie or emojie for good measure. nothing more.
and yet you ALLOW those words to have POWER over you, to transport you to another space and time. not face to face contact, not even talking on the phone using the sense of hearing, just seeing characters strung together on a small inanimate object.
HIS words. done with thumbs. or possible done by a monkey who just happened to get the word combination right. i think i'd give ANYTHING he says just about that much weight......and cut off contact. just be done. save yourself, save your sanity.
not my monkey, not my circus...............
hmmm, let's look at that a bit. a TEXT is what.....a limited number of words crammed into a small screen about the size of a slice of cheese. just words on a screen - maybe a smilie or emojie for good measure. nothing more.
and yet you ALLOW those words to have POWER over you, to transport you to another space and time. not face to face contact, not even talking on the phone using the sense of hearing, just seeing characters strung together on a small inanimate object.
HIS words. done with thumbs. or possible done by a monkey who just happened to get the word combination right. i think i'd give ANYTHING he says just about that much weight......and cut off contact. just be done. save yourself, save your sanity.
not my monkey, not my circus...............
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I wanted an emotional connection; to be able to talk to someone about my hopes and fears; to be with someone who is happy and supports me; who doesn’t rely on me to carry a conversation; who has goals or dreams for the future; someone who always wants to be better than they were; someone who can accept responsibility!
I have also struggled with forgiving myself. XABF is long forgiven....but me, well, I should have known better. Still working on that, and I know that to move forward, I have to let it go.
We care - A LOT. That's why their words can tear us down so much. My X said" i'm so tired of the all day every day mind games from you." I'll never forget that. When he said it, I had been working on my recovery for 3 - 4 years....I was in a pretty good place mentally / emotionally. 5 years earlier, sure....I was a lunatic. It's heartbreaking when their perception of us is so negative, but we must remember that it is coming from a very, very sick place.
Hang in there, at the beginning of my break up I was a tornado of emotions. Now is the time to just be. Let all the 'stuff' separate and deal with it one at a time in a healthy way. AND - take time off here and there - ignore it all - do something for you - HAVE FUN!!
This will be a process, but it's a necessary one and will lead you to some pretty amazing things!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Expanding, I just want to send hugs your way. I understand totally about how the A is not sorry b/c they truly don't believe they did anything wrong. XAH claimed that every dishonest thing he did was b/c I forced him into hiding, and the reason he drank in the first place was b/c of how miserable he was here. He himself is blameless in the whole thing. And my divorcing him after knowing about the drinking for 7 or 8 years was b/c I "rushed into things" and "didn't give him a chance." And he truly believes these things--this is reality thru HIS eyes. I did eventually give up on trying to get him to understand reality thru MY eyes; he seemed completely incapable of it.
I also get the doubt part of it. Even now, after a year divorced, I find myself questioning reality, getting that "selective memory" that only recalls the good times and kind acts. That's when I find my sporadic journal and my old posts here at SR really useful--it never fails to astonish me how much my brain just puts aside as if it never happened at all.
You have done a lot of hard, hard work since you came here, Expanding. Time and space are your friends. You're going to make it.
I also get the doubt part of it. Even now, after a year divorced, I find myself questioning reality, getting that "selective memory" that only recalls the good times and kind acts. That's when I find my sporadic journal and my old posts here at SR really useful--it never fails to astonish me how much my brain just puts aside as if it never happened at all.
You have done a lot of hard, hard work since you came here, Expanding. Time and space are your friends. You're going to make it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by firebolt 
These are pretty valid wants and needs. You picked him, and the reality to accept is that he just wasn't capable of providing you these things.
I have also struggled with forgiving myself. XABF is long forgiven....but me, well, I should have known better. Still working on that, and I know that to move forward, I have to let it go.
We care - A LOT. That's why their words can tear us down so much. My X said" i'm so tired of the all day every day mind games from you." I'll never forget that. When he said it, I had been working on my recovery for 3 - 4 years....I was in a pretty good place mentally / emotionally. 5 years earlier, sure....I was a lunatic. It's heartbreaking when their perception of us is so negative, but we must remember that it is coming from a very, very sick place.
Hang in there, at the beginning of my break up I was a tornado of emotions. Now is the time to just be. Let all the 'stuff' separate and deal with it one at a time in a healthy way. AND - take time off here and there - ignore it all - do something for you - HAVE FUN!!
This will be a process, but it's a necessary one and will lead you to some pretty amazing things!
I have also struggled with forgiving myself. XABF is long forgiven....but me, well, I should have known better. Still working on that, and I know that to move forward, I have to let it go.
We care - A LOT. That's why their words can tear us down so much. My X said" i'm so tired of the all day every day mind games from you." I'll never forget that. When he said it, I had been working on my recovery for 3 - 4 years....I was in a pretty good place mentally / emotionally. 5 years earlier, sure....I was a lunatic. It's heartbreaking when their perception of us is so negative, but we must remember that it is coming from a very, very sick place.
Hang in there, at the beginning of my break up I was a tornado of emotions. Now is the time to just be. Let all the 'stuff' separate and deal with it one at a time in a healthy way. AND - take time off here and there - ignore it all - do something for you - HAVE FUN!!
This will be a process, but it's a necessary one and will lead you to some pretty amazing things!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
There is always your side, his side, and somewhere in the middle the truth.
If someone is drunk a good portion of the reality "their side" is skewed by failure to remember, denial of a problem, and selfishness.
Additionally, you are speaking with your mutual friends I am sure - and trust they are speaking to him and telling him what you are saying. From what you say, to who they tell, to whom tells him creates a chain of misinformation. You might say "he never took out the trash" and by the time it gets to him its become "he lived on a pile of trash so high the city was called, the house was condemned, and he was taken to a psychiatric hospital". You know this is how it goes! You cannot trust that people will repeat what you said verbatim, nor can you trust that human sh!t stirring nature doesn't come into play either. Don't count on ANYONE to condemn him for his actions or relay anything YOU say accurately.
Finally, its also human nature to expect to be recognized for the "good" that we do. You tried really hard for a long time, and you put up with a lot to be with him. I understand you would like to be credited for what you did. IF that ever comes its not going to be now, or anytime soon, if ever. That's something that will usually come in recovery during the amends process, though even then no one can say that anyone truly will see what another has put up with.
You DON"T need him to confirm, acknowledge, or recognize what you dealt with to know the truth. Stop expecting it. Stop discussing him with your mutual friends (no no no no no don't talk about him with them! Its pleases him that you do no matter what you are saying is bad). Our realities are all different.
If someone is drunk a good portion of the reality "their side" is skewed by failure to remember, denial of a problem, and selfishness.
Additionally, you are speaking with your mutual friends I am sure - and trust they are speaking to him and telling him what you are saying. From what you say, to who they tell, to whom tells him creates a chain of misinformation. You might say "he never took out the trash" and by the time it gets to him its become "he lived on a pile of trash so high the city was called, the house was condemned, and he was taken to a psychiatric hospital". You know this is how it goes! You cannot trust that people will repeat what you said verbatim, nor can you trust that human sh!t stirring nature doesn't come into play either. Don't count on ANYONE to condemn him for his actions or relay anything YOU say accurately.
Finally, its also human nature to expect to be recognized for the "good" that we do. You tried really hard for a long time, and you put up with a lot to be with him. I understand you would like to be credited for what you did. IF that ever comes its not going to be now, or anytime soon, if ever. That's something that will usually come in recovery during the amends process, though even then no one can say that anyone truly will see what another has put up with.
You DON"T need him to confirm, acknowledge, or recognize what you dealt with to know the truth. Stop expecting it. Stop discussing him with your mutual friends (no no no no no don't talk about him with them! Its pleases him that you do no matter what you are saying is bad). Our realities are all different.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Expanding
How does he know exactly what to say to get me to spiral down?
I can promise that he isn't putting nearly as much thought into hurting your feelings as you are putting into analyzing his actions & internal dialogue. While you are crediting him for having such a deviously strategic mind, truth is that he's just spewing out whatever garbage floats to the top. He's invested in this illusion because that denial feeds his disease. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" It's that simple in a lot of ways.......
On the flip side, 2 people can experience the same thing & come away with 2 completely different interpretations/understandings of the events because they'll always see it from different POV's. His reality is currently based on a mountain of dysfunction, that's going to affect his perspective a lot but you don't have to take it personally. His reality is not yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
I find it kind of scary that two people can become so bad for each other. In the beginning I never would have thought he'd think and assume such hurtful things about me.
I completely understand how things get distorted when passed through people. When you hear an overall comentary of, "he made you sound crazy", or "he was telling us things he should've been talking about with you", the details of what was said don't seem to matter
In a couple weeks I should be able to cut ties completely and I don't even have to be at the closing which is a sigh of relief. It's going to be nice to get a really good night's sleep!
I completely understand how things get distorted when passed through people. When you hear an overall comentary of, "he made you sound crazy", or "he was telling us things he should've been talking about with you", the details of what was said don't seem to matter
In a couple weeks I should be able to cut ties completely and I don't even have to be at the closing which is a sigh of relief. It's going to be nice to get a really good night's sleep!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
E,
I am sorry you are hurting. Hon, you want a normal healthy relationship, with an alcoholic. It's just not possible, I am sorry.
If texts hurt, you are in the drivers seat. I'm like everyone else, block them. Maybe in the future you can revisit it, but for now it wouldn't hurt to cut him out of your life. Sending hugs your way.
I am sorry you are hurting. Hon, you want a normal healthy relationship, with an alcoholic. It's just not possible, I am sorry.
If texts hurt, you are in the drivers seat. I'm like everyone else, block them. Maybe in the future you can revisit it, but for now it wouldn't hurt to cut him out of your life. Sending hugs your way.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding......Laying blame and distorting reality is so very common....to protect their drinking or their own ego......
They always know where our hot buttons and our vulnerabilities are.....and, they lay on them hard.......
It is another way that being in a relationship with an addict is able to hurt us......
so sorry......
dandylion
They always know where our hot buttons and our vulnerabilities are.....and, they lay on them hard.......
It is another way that being in a relationship with an addict is able to hurt us......
so sorry......
dandylion
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