Sephra

Well, for the past week my crystal meth addict stepson has been at his mom's house. Got a job as part of his pretrial requirements, is abiding by the curfew, etc. From what I hear, he looks great having gotten some clarity. All good things.
BUT.
We are having a grad party for my youngest stepdaughter this weekend. And hubby wants to invite him because he is now "clean".
I've seen him clean up for a few days in the past. But not more than a few days. His motivation at the moment is staying out of jail.
Was not invited, as stepdaughter is concerned about the drama and I don't want them here when they are using.
I've been down the addiction road before, and while I would LOVE to believe the problem is over, I'm so not convinced. A week ago he saw no problem at all with his life style. I'd love to think that's changed but I just don't buy it. Actions speak louder than words and one week doesn't really negate the years of drama. I'm hopeful though, just not that naive.
His bio parents of course want to believe it, and anything he says. Where do you find that line between supporting and being realistic? I don't want to see him fail, I don't want to get sucked back in. I don't want him to think we are not supporting him. I don't want to support bs any more, blah blah blah.

hopeful4

I think you just tell the truth, but you do it gently. Reality is, addiction is full of relapse. It's stepdaughter's choice, it's her party. She has a valid reason for not inviting, and that is 100% ok. It's her day to have fun, honor that.

Until you really wrap your mind around addiction, you are unable to see that relapse is always there. It could happen a day later, a month later, or years later. Or never. It's the unknown, and it's really hard to live with that understanding. So, those who cannot or don't understand see that their loved one is clean for a few days, their life is better for a little bit, and logic would say they won't use again b/c life is better. However, drugs are never logical.

His body will be tempted, his mind will be tempted, and only he will be able to decide how badly he wants to stay clean.

Many hugs to you and your family. I hope he continues down the road to recovery, however, I hope you continue to gently express that it takes time to win back trust.

dandylion

Sephra......If your husband is the father of both of these children (??)....I would let them decide between themselves, how to handle it.
Stepmom is a delicate and difficult role....and it is best to step aside, most of the time.....and, function more of a support person, rather than administrative staff.....lol......
Their genes...their responsibilities...their consequences.....

dandylion

Sephra

Thanks hopeful and dandy!
What you both say is true. And I very much need to hear it.
I am trying to keep to my problems and things I can control. It is a hard thing to stick to.
I have one bioson and 4 stepchildren. (We have none together) I've tried, since the beginning, to not be "parenting" the children , as all of their parents were caring and involved and 3 were over 15, youngest was 8. Which has worked well. Unfortunately, their bad decisions still tend to affect me and my living situation. I do realize that I am only one that can put a stop to that. I have a hard time getting my head around how to do so with jeopardizing the relationship. I hate conflict.
***I think you just tell the truth, but you do it gently. *** apparently this is not one of my strong suits. haha. I need to learn it.

Sephra

Thanks hopeful and dandy!
What you both say is true. And I very much need to hear it.
I am trying to keep to my problems and things I can control. It is a hard thing to stick to.
I have one bioson and 4 stepchildren. (We have none together) I've tried, since the beginning, to not be "parenting" the children , as all of their parents were caring and involved and 3 were over 15, youngest was 8. Which has worked well. Unfortunately, their bad decisions still tend to affect me and my living situation. I do realize that I am only one that can put a stop to that. I have a hard time getting my head around how to do so with jeopardizing the relationship. I hate conflict.
***I think you just tell the truth, but you do it gently. *** apparently this is not one of my strong suits. haha. I need to learn it.

dandylion

Sephra....I took a course in marriage and family, once, and there was a lo t of attention given to blended families in that course. I really opened my eyes.
I was a stepmother to my 2nd. husbands daughters and he was stepfather to my kids......(they were all late teens/early adults).....
We worked things out, pretty well.....but, I wish I had had that course earlier!!

There are books on the subject, now....You might really relate to this material...
You can do a google search or go on amazon.com and look for books on blended families or step parenting......

dandylion

AnvilheadII

well before i married my second husband i made it abundantly clear that HIS help was NOT needed in the raising of my child.....she already had a dad, and he was not it. (a very involved dad, otherwise my story might have been different). I very intentionally put up a barrier of sorts between them to assure he wouldn't cross the dad/parent line.

years later, 2nd husband long gone, and if my current partner tries to give me any type of "advice" regarding my now 33 year old daughter, i still bristle. the other day he used the word "disappointed" regarding a choice she had made, as in HE was DISAPPOINTED in her.......and my fangs and claws came out....who the hell and WTF? back up dude....waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy up.

so i've probably not got the best "advice" regarding the world of "step parenting" but thought i'd share from the side of the PARENT.