WHYOWHY

Good Morning Y'all

The chapter for today is titled.....

IF ITS THIS HARD AT 40 ......WHAT ABOUT 70 ?

One of the things I think about ...as I lay in bed (alone) ..... while my AH is drunk & playing vidio games with his "real friends" in Japan or Tibet or Mars......

is this.............

What happens if we are still together in 30 years and he starts drinking again.
This thought terrifies me.

Right now ...I am still young enough to leave him (If I choose to) & start a new life.
At 44 ..I still have my health & some of my good looks . I drive ...have my own business & still have most of my wits about me.
I also have my mother (she's 70 now) ...but lives close enough so that I can (and have) escaped to her home when things got scary here (he has gotten drunk on a few occasions & started breaking things - I did not want to be the next thing he decided to break - he has never hurt me physically ...but I felt threatened nonetheless)

So at THIS age..........I still feel that I have several options & a Plan B...if things got out of control.
That comforts me & gives me strength to stick it out while he decides if he is going to stop drinking .

But what happens when I am 70 or 80 ?????
My mom won't be around ..I am an only child - so no siblings to turn to....and I may not be driving ..or in the best of health ............what then?

It may sound wierd to you out there reading this....but I really get scared thinking of the possibilities....

It makes me want to leve my AH Now (even though I love him & have hope for us)
Should I leave him now if I am so worried about this........or am I being paraniod ?
Thanks for reading

JT

Only you can know. I believe that if the time came for me to leave I would know it without question. If I was being compromised to the point of misery, if I was unable to be happy or have a life I would have to go. Some time back...I was 40 something too...I stopped pinning all of my hopes on Ward. I took responsibilty for my own life and if his drinking or any behavior made it impossible for me to live happily I wouldn't still be here. So, as always, it comes back full circle to you. Are you able to have a life in this relationship?

Hugs,
JT

Jane Doze

I think maybe you are afraid of what we all are, the worst case senerio. One day at a time is something I tell myself at least once a day. Keep faith that you will not allow yourself to live in fear and count your blessings. That's what I try to do anyway when I feel worried or temporarily hopeless. Stay strong

dax

Well I am going to give you my thoughts. This is my story. Husband stopped drinking at age 38- I was about to leave him. He has now been sober 26 years. After he got sober we had many good years. the children grew up in a stable home. However I was was without his support or presence for much of the time. He went to many meetings. He did his sharing with program people and talked little to me.I lisened to alanon and did not protest that he was gone so much I had to do basically all the disiplining of our children- who are now wonderful well adjusted adults. I lived with the fact that if he drank again I would leave but I did not dwell on it. It is a fact if you stay with the alcoholic. And what did this man do? He betrayed my trust in him and the AA program by having a 9 year affair-2 years at least sexual - with a woman also in the program. Being in the program, he could not understand why I kept asking for the truth. He expected me to just 'turn over' 9 years of another women stealing his love and time from me. The program hindered and is still hindering our recovery. It took be 5 years to uncover the truth in a letter to the ho that he could not deny the sex.
Ok here I am at 60. I started my own pet sitting business soon after I discovered the affair. Now he is unemployed for the 4 th time and I am the main bread winner. I am 60 and I am stuck with a man I love but do not trust. HgHe is rrying to make amends but it may be too little too late. I need his health insureace. So here I am working 7 days a week and I will probaly be working till I am 70. He spent much money on himself, his drinking and then the other woman. I suaspected the affaire in 93 but could not believe he would do such a terrible thing. I should havve divorced this man when I was younger. Living with a sober alcoholic is no fun either- a chronically ill person. My advice- run like hell! dax

Lorelai

It's understandable to worry about what might happen in the future but worry doesn't accomplish anything. You can work on yourself so that you can lead a happy, fulfilling life at any age whether he chooses to drink or not.

When we are in control of our lives, we don't have to worry about going into a tailspin because of someone else's choices. We know that we will be OK because we always have ourselves.
L

Magichappens

I can't predict the future. I have wasted a lot of my life worrying about what might happen. As others have said, all we have is today. I can try to plan for the future, but the outcome is in God's hands. I try to keep things in perspective by realizing that I can worry about my husband drinking and what may happen, and he could get killed in a car accident today, or never drink again, but get cancer. I can't live my life worrying about all the things that might happen. I have to try to live every day to the fullest, and deal with what comes.

We can't avoid bad things, no matter how much we worry and plan. If I focus on the bad things that might happen, I miss the good things that are happening right now. You don't have to make that decision today, so don't torture yourself. Focus on your recovery, your happiness today. Focus on learning to be good to you and love you. The rest will come. Hugs, Magic

Wanttobefree

I look back and regret the 23 years I spent with an abusive alcoholic. In the beginning, I didn't realize what was going on. By the time I figured it out, I was hooked in an unhealthy marriage. After all this time, I really don't think I could ever find a healthy relationship. I don't believe I could ever trust anyone enough to let them get close and I'm starting to believe all the awful things I'm hearing about myself in the drunken rages. I'm 50. Don't let yourself get to this point. I guess it depends on how good or bad it is, huh? Good luck.

brightlight

I have spend several years doing this since he started drinking again. When he was not drinking I never thought of it. My problem is that right now we live in a small trailer and need to move so the kids can have their own rooms. We both have great jobs and should be able to have a nice home. We both know where we live is expensive and if we buy a house it will be hard because of taxes going up here all the time. We are in a town that is growing too fast. I think well if he gets sick from all this drinking and he will then I cannot afford a house on my income. He wants to move to another state where his family is, but I think it is dangerous there. Bigger area and still I would be making the income if he got sick and his family could cause him to get worse. I kind of want to buy land and put this trailer on it and build on to it and that had been both our plans before this drinking started, but out of the city limits with him drinking???? There would not be the save bar across the street. He would be driving down dangerous mountain roads. Also him fix this house and add on??????? He had to change the lock on the door and I watched him and thought NO WAY! This door almost whipped him!!!! He used to fix everything and built a really nice porch, but all before drinking. Now things are breaking and if he has to fix them he whines and has a fit, so here I sit and I am 49 with kids that are 11 and 5. I have to be in shape and healthy to raise them. I see no future with him. I see him with an oxygen tank and him not even knowing his own name. I feel like my life is on hold because I cannot figure out what to do. One thing is that I could get a bigger and nicer trailer and put it in this spot and just stay here. Either he will get better or he will get worse. Him taking my future away is what has made me the most angry. My dad died 19 years before my mother and it was sad. Still he could live and be fine or I could get sick or anybody could have an accident, so I am trying to enjoy now and quit worrying. You never know what will happen.

Blondie

No, it's not weird to me at all. I have pondered this exact question many times myself.

Recently my AH was in a serious car crash (and has another DUI) and had to be in a wheelchair for a few months (I am so thankful it was temporary and not forever like his alcoholic best friend) and then a walker and is still out of work six months after the accident. It was and still is pure hell. I had to bath him, wipe him after he relieved himself, comb his hair (his shoulder was broken too), drive him to his many doctor's appointment in the city, cook special meals and bring them to him, etc, etc, etc, all while he whined and complained endlessly about EVERYTHING and about how unfair life is, and on and on. And then it hit me one day. Is this what it will be like when we are much older (I'm 41 and he's 39 now). If I ended up in a wheelchair, would he take care of me? The answer is a definate no, I am convinced of that. What about my life? What about my needs and wants and dreams? The way he treats his body, he is very likely to end up in a wheelchair or walker and then I will have to take care of him. And the sad things is, he doesn't care! Plus, who wants to end up like my 65 year old mother-in-law, who hasn't worked in years, has a bad hip, a bad heart, and is "stuck" with an abusive alcoholic who treats her like dirt (she is a huge co-dependent and feels that she can't leave him because he "needs" her to take care of him). It is a reality that CAN happen and does (I know of at least three women in this situation) and planning for it may help calm your fears.

The answer for me was to focus more on myself (and our 3 and five year old children) and to plan and set goals that did not include him. Al-anon and a private counselor helped me do that. My ultimate goal is to become totally financially independent of him so that when and if the day comes when I have had enough, I will be able to leave, no matter how old and feeble I am. I felt guilty for a little while about making plans that did not include him, but for me, it was necessary for my own security and sanity.

splendra

gee girls this thread kinda makes me sad...

skyleh

I think it is normal to wonder. But I think you have to look at you and your life and find what will work for you....

I decided that I did not want to live in the rollar coaster ride..life with the emotional and verbal abuse. I know I have problems...co-dependant...low self esteem.....I also know deep down that I am a good person deserving of love..real love...unconditional love....maybe I am only ment to recieve it from my son, parents, siblings, cousins...ect..I am ok with that. But I am no Ok with being taken advantage of..being blamed for someone elses wrong doing...being used to keep up an image...thats what I feel I was.

Good luck to you... as your HP for guidance.

brightlight

RIGHT! I came to the same conclusion that if I ended up in a wheelchair I AM DOOMED! He will push mine right to the nearest nursing home. I know it! No way he could take care of me. That is one of the reasons I am so determined to stay in shape and lifting weights will keep you very strong. My mother was the sweetest person in the world and took good care of us when we were kids. She was blind and had been since in her 20's. She never complained. She lived with my brother and slowly she had things happen to her and never complained. Pacemaker and then cane, then walker, and then dementia. She died last month at 89 and she never complained. She lived at home till the last year and my brother and I decided we could not take care of her and she needed more help that we could give. She was in the nursing home and we went to see her daily. If my husband has to have diapers changed then he is headed right for the nursing home. I will not go through that again especially if he does not try at all to help himself. Now if he changed and started taking care of himself again then I might, but for SURE I AM TRYING TO STAY IN BETTER SHAPE THAN HIM.

GettingSober

Interesting thread. Take any couple even those who have no addictions/problems and you wont find 100% of them willing to care and feed a paralyzed partner.

What will happen in 20 years? Thats a good question. I wasted my 30's with a gal who finally admitted she wanted no kids. So if this current relationship does not workout then there is probably only time enough for one more good one. When do you call it quits and get started anew ?

In this relationship I earn all the money, I am there for my child morning and evening, I spend my free time building a massive redwood deck for my family and working around the house and working out with weights. I no longer fly airplanes/ski/scuba etc. BUT I told her if I clean up my act and quit boozing, then its high time she look at some of her faults too. When she refused I said then i want out. Lets sell the house and get on with the rest of our lives. We both want to stay together for the child and for the chance at happiness. We finally worked out a new deal where everybody behaves themselves. This after she said she would not take care of me if I got sick because I was doing it to myself. Agreed, I was. But now I am bouncing back to the ultra healthy former self, I still have to ask the question, will she be there for me if i am good? Will I want to be there for her even if she is good ? Probably but much less likely if she is abusive. For now its best for the child to have us both there each day, but if we cant keep our squabbles out of plain view from the precious child then its splitsville, I think we both agree to that.

dax

Well I will say I know my husband would take care of me if I became very ill. And I he up to a point. Before the affair I would have done anything for him. Now as long as I could still horseback ride a nd work, I would. I will not give up my business which is my my source of freeddom . dax

Rose56

Wow, what a thread.....
I have thought of this often too. I have felt that I am getting older and if I want to find another relationship then I need to do it now while I still maybe have a chance. I often wonder, when will all this get better, when will he be my "Mr. Wonderful"? I guess the answer to that is never, but neither is he my "My awful" anymore. If he is disabled because of his illness how will I feel? His mother was on dialisis for the last 5 years of her life because she was always very overweight. She maybe could of avoided this and a premature death. We all make some poor choices with our health, I think.

JT

I look at my life with my alcoholic son, husband and father but I have also made myself look out at other people. I am not the only one with problems in their lives. I have 2 sister-in-laws, one with a grown daughter with MS and another with a disabled middle schooler. I have a mother with breast cancer.

Sure my son is in jail. Sure my grandson's mother died of an OD. These things affected my life for sure. They also affected what I dreamed my future would be. But I am not alone. There are no guarantee's.

My partner could be Lance Armstrong. An elite athlete who was still challenged by disease. He could be Walter Payton, or Gilda Radner. There are no promises beyond today. And today I can live with myself in the relationship I am in. Today I am satisfied that I am doing what is best for me. I think that is the most important thing. Tomorrow is another day.

Hugs,
JT

StandingStrong

Okay, good topic! But let me add in a different perspective......
There is always that chance that something will happen healthwise that would finally get your AH to stop. Therefore, retirement years of no alcohol! OR....
He may have an accident tomorrow!!!! So you wouldn't have to wait till your golden years to find out what it would be like to this way, it could become a reality tomorrow.
Umm......you could always hide your AH's cane, walker, etc. so that he can't get out of the house to go drinking!!!!! (LOL) Hide his keys, his money, etc and make him think he's going senile! (LOL)
Okay, I'll stop now as I do not mean to offend anyone. But I was feeling that this thread could use a tad bit of humor. (Though I already know that a lot of people don't get my sense of humor anyways)

You know.....it's healthy in certain ways to look upon the future. I'm personally one of those people that has a hard time looking forward - I'm usually stuck in a rut of the present or wallowing in the memories of the past. But as was mentioned.....really, there are no guarantees in this life. We all know of someone that has passed away sooner than they should have, a criminal that lives way longer than we believe he should be able to, etc.
While I won't tell you not to look at the future because I know it's important...I will tell you that if you think that you cannot be happy in the future with your AH - then that really needs to be something you put some thought and action into changing.

I think many of us regret the days, weeks, months, years, etc that we "wasted" on our AH's. Whether it be the years, our youth, the tears, the energy, etc - we all probably have regrets of some kind. Seeing as how you are looking ahead...maybe you need to decide if in X amount of years, what regrets you are willing to live with.

I wish you peace. As I do all of us. Living with an A is sooo very hard.

Ann

My mother was widowed young, yet even with no particular skills got a good job and raised my two brothers and I well, and if there is one important lesson she taught me it was (quoting her) "No matter what life hands you, good or bad, always make sure you can look after yourself."

No matter what our situation, I think we are each better off if we know that no matter what we could and would be able to look after ourselves.

Just food for thought from my mother, LOL (I told you she is around me still every single day!!)

Hugs
Ann

ChillGal

Then again hubby may live a long life. My father was an abusive A and he lived to be 72. I have a son born with spina bifida who I was told probably wouldn't live to be a year old. Although he has had 7 operations he hasn't had one since 12 years old and he is turning 30 next year. No one knows what life will bring. My A has been sober for 4 years and I hope it continues. Tomorrow may bring something else to worry about. I would say worry about today and what you want or are able to do for yourself and we have enough day to day problems without looking for more troubles that are yet to come. Hey, it may not all be troubles. There will always be some one out there for you - no matter what your age. Good luck.

kfa2004

All the counseling I have had with my addict son (alcohol and drugs) and for myself to deal with son and AH and me, the one thing that was stressed through all of it was "One day at a time". Take one day at a time, don't worry about what might happen tomorrow (sometimes I have had to take one second at a time) because thinking about "what might happen" will drive you crazy.
Hugs
Kat