Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
First off, been lurking here a while over the years, thanks for all your wisdom and care. Finally decided to make a post after reaching a critical juncture on this journey.
Alcohol (and before that, pills) has been a problem in my relationship with my girlfriend pretty much for its 10 year duration.
We've had the ups and downs, glimmers of hope, crashes afterward, all the usual stuff that comes with this sort of thing.
To this day, as she's packing up and moving out (less than a week after I told her I don't want her living here anymore if she's continuing to drink -- she's not wasting any time) I'm still self-doubting myself on being controlling, no fun, hypocritical, unloving, uncaring...All the things that she's accusing me of when I tell her how upset I am about her weekend drinking binges, late nights, broken promises...all the while, while I ironically sit -- by choice, in my 40s and not much a partier anymore, she's in her mid-30s -- home with the dog I agreed to get her when she was 6 months sober 3 years ago (who loves me now more than anything, and will be moving out of the house with her, very sad).
As I said, alcohol has been a part of our relationship from day one. I will admit I am a social drinker and enjoy a few beers with the guys or a beer with dinner and it ends there. I did my share of the binge and the partying back in my college days and don't have a desire to return to that for a lot of reasons...Lack of desire, health, the way I feel the next day being among them! I enjoy alcohol and don't demonize it and I guess am just one of the "lucky ones" who can moderate and enjoy it socially on occasion and not even think about it otherwise.
So, our relationship and our lives have been alcohol-fueled. In our early years, we dated, as couples do, went to bars with other couples, social gatherings, the like -- I'd never genuinely known a person with an alcohol problem before so I had just assumed she was a lot younger than me, she was just doing the "party thing" like people in their 20s (she was in her mid-20s when we met) do.
Over the years, as I've learned more about problem drinking, and lived with her (yes, we moved in together mere months after meeting)...I've been through so much. Her abuse of prescription medication such as pain pills, and adderall (both of which she gave up many years ago).
All that was left then was the drink. And as the years have gone by, it's been progressing. At first, one brand of lite beer. Then, more beers of all styles, soon any. Next on to red wine, first a glass, then a bottle, then 2 bottles, etc. Hard liquor on occasion but we're not to the "slug vodka out of the bottle" stage yet and I hope she never gets there (before I locked all the booze in the house up, I did one day find her in a stupor on the floor, she later admitted to just walking up, opening the cabinet, grabbing a bottle of vodka and slugging a few gulps right down). Isolated incident, as far as I know. But...scary. If she's got that in her....what does that mean, I thought?
So we had ups and downs. She'd scale back for a while, then increase. Go a week or two moderating wonderfully. Suddenly out of nowhere buy a 30 pack and drink it in two days. Especially if she knew I'd be away for a night for work or visiting family. That was a free-for-all. Without me around, she could drink all she wanted, without my judgement and fun-killing.
Over this past winter, the drinking increased to a point where if the next day wasn't a work day, it was open season -- 1.5+ bottles of red wine or around 10-12 beers a night. If it went excessively overboard that night, the next day would be a "stay in bed most of the day" type day. No drinking. If there was another full day (like a Sunday) after hangover day, it would be repeat.
I decided that detaching when she was drinking at home was the way I would cope. So when she drank, I was out of sight. No participation in her day at all. Eventually she relented and agreed it was hurting the relationship that we couldn't be together if I wasn't going to be involved in her life when she was drinking. I thought we'd perhaps turned a corner.
Eventually, this got old -- Weather got warmer. Her drinking gal pal from last summer cleaned herself up and isn't around, so she got closer with a new gal pal who seems to have never-ending availability to spend the days and nights with my girlfriend at the bars. Within the past few months, we've had several incidents of "We're going to dinner" or "I'll be back in an hour" that turn into 6-10 hour drinking binges. They start at the bar, go back to her house (she lives with her fiancee, by the way, no funny business or affairs going on, just the drink).
After getting a lot more serious over the past couple months with just how much this was hurting our relationship, I withdrew even further. She wanted sex, I didn't. I felt little to no connection to her and started to become annoyed/repulsed by her. The things people love in a new relationship became things that annoy me. I guess, for lack of knowing what it feels like...was I falling out of love?
I told her how I was struggling with everything and she put the guilt trip on me. I withdrew, not her. She just needs to drink, blow off steam, have her fun -- And that there is a "lot more problems" with our relationship thatn just the fact that she drinks.
What gave me hope was that among all this drama -- in recent months, she has expressed an interest to quit. Six months ago, she joined a gym with the intent to go daily to replace her boredom (she has no hobbies or interests other than booze outside of her work which she does hold down successfully). She's been to the gym 3 times I think. Total.
She's stated a desire to "cut back" on drinking. She's made statements such as "after I finish those beers in the fridge, I am done drinking for a while." That's lasted a couple days. Then back to the drink.
As recent as 3 months ago, she tried a prescription for naproxen, the drug that is supposed to suppress alcohol cravings. She was told to take one daily. It worked for a couple days, and then she learned to drink though it. Turns out that she wasn't given the proper instructions in how to use it anyway -- You were supposed to take one pill an hour before starting drinking, and as time wore on, the brain would turn off the cravings for more and you somehow become a "social" drinker and not a binge drinker. I read the stats, 80% sucess rate, yadda yadda. Guess we'll never know if it would have worked for her. By the time I discovered this method, she'd taken it daily for 2 months, and managed to drink right through it at the same levels as before.
Yesterday, I asked her -- Do you think you have a drinking problem? "I don't know...maybe?" was the answer.
Why is she giving up so easily? Because she says "neither of us are going to change".
She says the alcohol is not the reason that the relationship is ending, it is just one of our "many problems". In my head, the alcohol is the root of everything else that has caused the relationship to wilt. I guess in her eyes, it's just that I haven't loved her enough (because I can't when she's drinking or sleeping off a hangover all the time).
Here is the killer thing in all this -- I'm sad! Why am I sad? What the heck is wrong with me? Anyone who watched this, who saw this, who read this story -- Will probably tell me I should be SO HAPPY that she is leaving my life. That I am better off without her. Yet all I can think about is that I'm just being a controlling jerk, I was just as responsible for our relationship failing, and that I'm basically in the wrong.
Sensibly, I'm in great shape. I have a house, job, family and friends (none close by, which will sting a bit at times like this), and my health. I have a lot of years ahead. But I must be a classic codependent because I am going to MISS her, I'm going to miss the dog, and I'm now sitting here, all woe-is-me like for finally telling her she had to leave! She gets the dog, the friends, the social time with her drinking buddies. I get an empty house. I know, I need to get out there by myself and join clubs, volunteer, find hobbies, etc. But right now I feel too depressed over a 10 year relationship ending to do anything. Maybe it just takes time.
Why the heck is letting go this hard?
Thanks for letting me vent, and thanks to all of you who share so much here.
Alcohol (and before that, pills) has been a problem in my relationship with my girlfriend pretty much for its 10 year duration.
We've had the ups and downs, glimmers of hope, crashes afterward, all the usual stuff that comes with this sort of thing.
To this day, as she's packing up and moving out (less than a week after I told her I don't want her living here anymore if she's continuing to drink -- she's not wasting any time) I'm still self-doubting myself on being controlling, no fun, hypocritical, unloving, uncaring...All the things that she's accusing me of when I tell her how upset I am about her weekend drinking binges, late nights, broken promises...all the while, while I ironically sit -- by choice, in my 40s and not much a partier anymore, she's in her mid-30s -- home with the dog I agreed to get her when she was 6 months sober 3 years ago (who loves me now more than anything, and will be moving out of the house with her, very sad).
As I said, alcohol has been a part of our relationship from day one. I will admit I am a social drinker and enjoy a few beers with the guys or a beer with dinner and it ends there. I did my share of the binge and the partying back in my college days and don't have a desire to return to that for a lot of reasons...Lack of desire, health, the way I feel the next day being among them! I enjoy alcohol and don't demonize it and I guess am just one of the "lucky ones" who can moderate and enjoy it socially on occasion and not even think about it otherwise.
So, our relationship and our lives have been alcohol-fueled. In our early years, we dated, as couples do, went to bars with other couples, social gatherings, the like -- I'd never genuinely known a person with an alcohol problem before so I had just assumed she was a lot younger than me, she was just doing the "party thing" like people in their 20s (she was in her mid-20s when we met) do.
Over the years, as I've learned more about problem drinking, and lived with her (yes, we moved in together mere months after meeting)...I've been through so much. Her abuse of prescription medication such as pain pills, and adderall (both of which she gave up many years ago).
All that was left then was the drink. And as the years have gone by, it's been progressing. At first, one brand of lite beer. Then, more beers of all styles, soon any. Next on to red wine, first a glass, then a bottle, then 2 bottles, etc. Hard liquor on occasion but we're not to the "slug vodka out of the bottle" stage yet and I hope she never gets there (before I locked all the booze in the house up, I did one day find her in a stupor on the floor, she later admitted to just walking up, opening the cabinet, grabbing a bottle of vodka and slugging a few gulps right down). Isolated incident, as far as I know. But...scary. If she's got that in her....what does that mean, I thought?
So we had ups and downs. She'd scale back for a while, then increase. Go a week or two moderating wonderfully. Suddenly out of nowhere buy a 30 pack and drink it in two days. Especially if she knew I'd be away for a night for work or visiting family. That was a free-for-all. Without me around, she could drink all she wanted, without my judgement and fun-killing.
Over this past winter, the drinking increased to a point where if the next day wasn't a work day, it was open season -- 1.5+ bottles of red wine or around 10-12 beers a night. If it went excessively overboard that night, the next day would be a "stay in bed most of the day" type day. No drinking. If there was another full day (like a Sunday) after hangover day, it would be repeat.
I decided that detaching when she was drinking at home was the way I would cope. So when she drank, I was out of sight. No participation in her day at all. Eventually she relented and agreed it was hurting the relationship that we couldn't be together if I wasn't going to be involved in her life when she was drinking. I thought we'd perhaps turned a corner.
Eventually, this got old -- Weather got warmer. Her drinking gal pal from last summer cleaned herself up and isn't around, so she got closer with a new gal pal who seems to have never-ending availability to spend the days and nights with my girlfriend at the bars. Within the past few months, we've had several incidents of "We're going to dinner" or "I'll be back in an hour" that turn into 6-10 hour drinking binges. They start at the bar, go back to her house (she lives with her fiancee, by the way, no funny business or affairs going on, just the drink).
After getting a lot more serious over the past couple months with just how much this was hurting our relationship, I withdrew even further. She wanted sex, I didn't. I felt little to no connection to her and started to become annoyed/repulsed by her. The things people love in a new relationship became things that annoy me. I guess, for lack of knowing what it feels like...was I falling out of love?
I told her how I was struggling with everything and she put the guilt trip on me. I withdrew, not her. She just needs to drink, blow off steam, have her fun -- And that there is a "lot more problems" with our relationship thatn just the fact that she drinks.
What gave me hope was that among all this drama -- in recent months, she has expressed an interest to quit. Six months ago, she joined a gym with the intent to go daily to replace her boredom (she has no hobbies or interests other than booze outside of her work which she does hold down successfully). She's been to the gym 3 times I think. Total.
She's stated a desire to "cut back" on drinking. She's made statements such as "after I finish those beers in the fridge, I am done drinking for a while." That's lasted a couple days. Then back to the drink.
As recent as 3 months ago, she tried a prescription for naproxen, the drug that is supposed to suppress alcohol cravings. She was told to take one daily. It worked for a couple days, and then she learned to drink though it. Turns out that she wasn't given the proper instructions in how to use it anyway -- You were supposed to take one pill an hour before starting drinking, and as time wore on, the brain would turn off the cravings for more and you somehow become a "social" drinker and not a binge drinker. I read the stats, 80% sucess rate, yadda yadda. Guess we'll never know if it would have worked for her. By the time I discovered this method, she'd taken it daily for 2 months, and managed to drink right through it at the same levels as before.
Yesterday, I asked her -- Do you think you have a drinking problem? "I don't know...maybe?" was the answer.
Why is she giving up so easily? Because she says "neither of us are going to change".
She says the alcohol is not the reason that the relationship is ending, it is just one of our "many problems". In my head, the alcohol is the root of everything else that has caused the relationship to wilt. I guess in her eyes, it's just that I haven't loved her enough (because I can't when she's drinking or sleeping off a hangover all the time).
Here is the killer thing in all this -- I'm sad! Why am I sad? What the heck is wrong with me? Anyone who watched this, who saw this, who read this story -- Will probably tell me I should be SO HAPPY that she is leaving my life. That I am better off without her. Yet all I can think about is that I'm just being a controlling jerk, I was just as responsible for our relationship failing, and that I'm basically in the wrong.
Sensibly, I'm in great shape. I have a house, job, family and friends (none close by, which will sting a bit at times like this), and my health. I have a lot of years ahead. But I must be a classic codependent because I am going to MISS her, I'm going to miss the dog, and I'm now sitting here, all woe-is-me like for finally telling her she had to leave! She gets the dog, the friends, the social time with her drinking buddies. I get an empty house. I know, I need to get out there by myself and join clubs, volunteer, find hobbies, etc. But right now I feel too depressed over a 10 year relationship ending to do anything. Maybe it just takes time.
Why the heck is letting go this hard?
Thanks for letting me vent, and thanks to all of you who share so much here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Because ending something that has been a part of your life for 10 years is hard regardless of whether or not it is good for you.
You will grieve. Change is difficult for most people.
And, you will get through it - and you will be glad for it.
You will grieve. Change is difficult for most people.
And, you will get through it - and you will be glad for it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you have a pretty good grasp of the situation.
Why is it hard to let go? There are lots of reasons. You obviously still have affection for her (I left my second husband when I did, in part, because I didn't want it to get to the point where I hated him). You remember things you loved about her. You imagine her potential, if she would only stop drinking.
All I can say is this. I tried all the SAME strategies she's been following, when my drinking feet were put to the fire by the guy I was living with at the time. I spent four years as a member of a "moderate drinking" program, which recommended things like what she's doing, in an effort to turn myself into a normal drinker. It didn't work. For four years I told myself I was "working on my drinking problem" and told myself I was "making progress," when in truth my addiction was deepening, and my problem worsening, every day.
Finally, after four years, one of my "nevers" happened--I had to have a coworker drive me home from work because my withdrawals made me too sick to work. That was my moment of clarity. I got sober, got involved in AA, and have been sober almost eight years.
The thing is, that could happen with her, too (the fact that she is making some efforts is somewhat hopeful), but it could be years before she has that moment of clarity. And if she does, she might or might not act on it. And if she does act on it, no guarantee she would stay sober.
So you could be waiting a VERY long time, watching her life spin more and more out of control.
One of the things that helped me, when I left my second husband (after he went back to drinking after almost dying of liver/kidney failure) was imagining I was putting him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. I knew I couldn't do anything more to help him. It was his own journey to take, his own path to find.
I am happily sober and happily single, enjoying life today. Work on letting go of her to find her own destiny, and start pursuing yours.
Oh, and I found Al-Anon to be a real lifesaver when I left my second husband. It truly helped me regain my sanity and deal with what I needed to deal with.
Why is it hard to let go? There are lots of reasons. You obviously still have affection for her (I left my second husband when I did, in part, because I didn't want it to get to the point where I hated him). You remember things you loved about her. You imagine her potential, if she would only stop drinking.
All I can say is this. I tried all the SAME strategies she's been following, when my drinking feet were put to the fire by the guy I was living with at the time. I spent four years as a member of a "moderate drinking" program, which recommended things like what she's doing, in an effort to turn myself into a normal drinker. It didn't work. For four years I told myself I was "working on my drinking problem" and told myself I was "making progress," when in truth my addiction was deepening, and my problem worsening, every day.
Finally, after four years, one of my "nevers" happened--I had to have a coworker drive me home from work because my withdrawals made me too sick to work. That was my moment of clarity. I got sober, got involved in AA, and have been sober almost eight years.
The thing is, that could happen with her, too (the fact that she is making some efforts is somewhat hopeful), but it could be years before she has that moment of clarity. And if she does, she might or might not act on it. And if she does act on it, no guarantee she would stay sober.
So you could be waiting a VERY long time, watching her life spin more and more out of control.
One of the things that helped me, when I left my second husband (after he went back to drinking after almost dying of liver/kidney failure) was imagining I was putting him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. I knew I couldn't do anything more to help him. It was his own journey to take, his own path to find.
I am happily sober and happily single, enjoying life today. Work on letting go of her to find her own destiny, and start pursuing yours.
Oh, and I found Al-Anon to be a real lifesaver when I left my second husband. It truly helped me regain my sanity and deal with what I needed to deal with.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Wells,
It is Ok to be sad and to take some time to grieve the end of a ten year relationship. It is a big change. As for who gets to claim why things didn't end at the altar, I'd stick with the truth that she chose addiction over you consistently over 10 years.
If I were you, I'd pick up a rescue dog when the GF is out and it's a sure thing she is keeping the dog. Rescue a dog. You can't save a human as you now know.
Peace Wells.
It is Ok to be sad and to take some time to grieve the end of a ten year relationship. It is a big change. As for who gets to claim why things didn't end at the altar, I'd stick with the truth that she chose addiction over you consistently over 10 years.
If I were you, I'd pick up a rescue dog when the GF is out and it's a sure thing she is keeping the dog. Rescue a dog. You can't save a human as you now know.
Peace Wells.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wells,
Welcome and glad you finally decided to post. There is a lot of good information that you can find on this forum.
It amazes you that after all the crap she put you through that you still care. Us enablers always care, we always save the day and help everyone. The problem is that we can not save an addict, we can not love their addiction away.
So the bottom line is that she is not ready to quit. I think after 10 years together you realize that she doesn't want anything to change. You are causing a big stink and all she really wants to do is drink and for you to leave her alone. Can you leave her alone??? If you can, then just keep living like you are living, if you can't then you need to change, because she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do.
Like Lexie said, I would reach out to an alanon meeting. I would read the stickies up top. I would do all possible to try and detach from her as much as possible by educating yourself about addiction. I would keep posting and asking questions. Slowly it will make sense, and things will be come clearer.
Sending hugs my friend, slowly your life will turn around, just do the homework.
Welcome and glad you finally decided to post. There is a lot of good information that you can find on this forum.
It amazes you that after all the crap she put you through that you still care. Us enablers always care, we always save the day and help everyone. The problem is that we can not save an addict, we can not love their addiction away.
So the bottom line is that she is not ready to quit. I think after 10 years together you realize that she doesn't want anything to change. You are causing a big stink and all she really wants to do is drink and for you to leave her alone. Can you leave her alone??? If you can, then just keep living like you are living, if you can't then you need to change, because she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do.
Like Lexie said, I would reach out to an alanon meeting. I would read the stickies up top. I would do all possible to try and detach from her as much as possible by educating yourself about addiction. I would keep posting and asking questions. Slowly it will make sense, and things will be come clearer.
Sending hugs my friend, slowly your life will turn around, just do the homework.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Codependent is not missing her, missing her means that you cared about and loved her. You have feelings, that is good.
Codependence is that brain trickery you mention - taking on the burden of being "controlling" or second guessing your initiative to leave her for a happy life. Codependence is staying in that relationship and waiting for her to make changes.
Doing the right thing is sometimes hard. I'm sorry for your pain. You shouldn't be planning a reunion, but leaving her is the best way you can help her get healthy. It's clear she can't do it with you there. And if she still can't get healthy, then you can love her from afar and not have to watch her destroy her life up close. It may seem like a cold way to go in some points of view, but you can't have a healthy relationship with someone in active addiction. The substance will always come first.
Hugs. Al-anon is helpful and so is therapy. Breakups are hard, I'm sorry for the pain. It might be the needed next step for you to find true happiness in the future.
Codependence is that brain trickery you mention - taking on the burden of being "controlling" or second guessing your initiative to leave her for a happy life. Codependence is staying in that relationship and waiting for her to make changes.
Doing the right thing is sometimes hard. I'm sorry for your pain. You shouldn't be planning a reunion, but leaving her is the best way you can help her get healthy. It's clear she can't do it with you there. And if she still can't get healthy, then you can love her from afar and not have to watch her destroy her life up close. It may seem like a cold way to go in some points of view, but you can't have a healthy relationship with someone in active addiction. The substance will always come first.
Hugs. Al-anon is helpful and so is therapy. Breakups are hard, I'm sorry for the pain. It might be the needed next step for you to find true happiness in the future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
So glad you decided to post Wells and so very sorry for what you are going through.
It sounds like you have a good sense of what this is about and what you need to do. Unfortunately no matter how much you know about addiction/codependency it still hurts. Asking her to leave is quite appropriate and may be good for her too.
I just wanted to comment on what you said above as there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with you for being sad. The only way you wouldn't be sad is if you were on drugs 
. Avoiding this kind of pain is why people stay in such relationships.
Going through a break up just hurts, hurts, hurts! When I left my qualifier (he had gotten into Meth), the pain was so bad it felt like it glowed. I honestly thought people died before feeling this much pain. This is the nature of grieving. In a way it is hard work and it take way longer than any of us want it to take.
Please, please do every thing you can to take care of yourself. What you are going through is no joke. Eat well, try to get some exercise, treat yourself with kindness. If you have trouble sleeping or it gets really bad you may even want to see a doctor. Circle every wagon you can think of!
Big hug and let us know how it goes.
It sounds like you have a good sense of what this is about and what you need to do. Unfortunately no matter how much you know about addiction/codependency it still hurts. Asking her to leave is quite appropriate and may be good for her too.
Originally Posted by Wells 
Here is the killer thing in all this -- I'm sad! Why am I sad? What the heck is wrong with me? Anyone who watched this, who saw this, who read this story -- Will probably tell me I should be SO HAPPY that she is leaving my life. That I am better off without her. Yet all I can think about is that I'm just being a controlling jerk, I was just as responsible for our relationship failing, and that I'm basically in the wrong.
. Avoiding this kind of pain is why people stay in such relationships. Going through a break up just hurts, hurts, hurts! When I left my qualifier (he had gotten into Meth), the pain was so bad it felt like it glowed. I honestly thought people died before feeling this much pain. This is the nature of grieving. In a way it is hard work and it take way longer than any of us want it to take.
Please, please do every thing you can to take care of yourself. What you are going through is no joke. Eat well, try to get some exercise, treat yourself with kindness. If you have trouble sleeping or it gets really bad you may even want to see a doctor. Circle every wagon you can think of!
Big hug and let us know how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
You're sad because she isn't making the choices you want her to make (and the choices that are best for her) and you still love her and remember the good times (when she's sober) and wonder why she can't just continue being like that. I hear you, I'm in a similar boat with ah, who has attempted to quit and has had bouts of sobriety. It sucks but they are adults and can make their own choices and if this is what they want, then that's what they'll do. It's very hard to give up the mental control.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I awoke to find such wonderful responses above to my rambling thread! Thank you all so much for taking the time to react, can't say enough good things about you all and this place.
I realized how long and rambling of a post it was when I read it back. Also realized I got the drug she tried to fix the problem with wrong -- It's naltrexone -- but that's in the past now anyway.
I will definitely come back here to at least journal as the difficult process continues.
Redatlanta - You were the first to my pity party and thanks.
It sounds like you may know something about change and long term relationships yourself from your comments. Thanks for understanding that despite knowing it's the right decision, that it is still difficult.
LexieCat - Sorry to hear what you have been through yourself. You certainly seem to have the perfect grasp on what it's like on the inside as well as from the outside. I am with you on the care and love we have for our partners. I do think the longer this went on, especially like it is now, I would eventually just resent her to the point of disgust and I am glad we can go out differently. We are still civil, talking, doing little favors for one another, as she packs up to move (and she is going willingly, not trying to lay down a guilt trip or get me to beg her to stay). The fight has ended. She still says she wants to quit, so like you say, she could get there. She told me she is "working on herself all the time" and that she "will get better" so the desire is there in her somewhere. I just can't wait for it anymore. It would certainly be my preference for her life than getting beaten by the bottle. As you've noted, there is no knowing how much time it will take her, if at all, and at some point you just need to let them go and succeed or fail on their own 2 feet.
CodeJob - Thank you, that's really it, isn't it. I hate that I even had to have it come to this. The booze or a relationship with me. But essentially that's what it did. We never married because I knew that as long as this addiction was there, I could never promise to be there forever. I wish it didn't have to be that cut and dry of a choice. As I mentioned in my thread, I don't hate alcohol or not enjoy it on occasion myself. You'd think she'd have had a better shot with a person like me because for the longest time, I never thought she would need to stop, just cut back. Then I realized that while there ARE times she can have 2 drinks at dinner and then carry on with her evening, there's never a certainty when the first bit of alcohol hits the lips. The other thing I realized over the years is that sleeping after drinking became her defense mechanism to stop. If we went to dinner and she had 2 beers, then we came home,if she couldn't have more booze to continue the night on, after starting on the 2, she'd want to go to sleep. I realized it was hard for her to stay awake and resist the urges telling her that she wants to have more after she had those first two.
Maia - I've done what you described for so long -- Tried to just either live with it, or get out of her way when it was happening. Spend time with her at home or outside of home when there was no booze being consumed, and disappear when it was. Unfortunately her choice to continue and escalate the drinking just meant two different lives for us. On the weekends, if she's either going to be drinking (without me around as a result), or sleeping off a hangover, I realized it's not a relationship anymore. She is a roommate who sleeps here, eats here, lives here, but not a partner anymore.
Leaving her alone worked for some time, but I always had in the back of my mind that maybe eventually she'd realize it was a lonely life to just drink and be ignored. So, she turned to new friends who would be accepting of her drinking and made that her life. I understand why it happened, but it was the last straw -- She leaves to be with them because she doesn't have to deal with my cold shoulder while she does it at home. It reminds me of something she said the other day when we were talking about her moving into her own place. She said, "Ironically now I won't be out much at all." In other words, now that she has her own place and space, she can binge drink at home again without the judgement, so she can just sit home and drink or invite people over to drink (something she knew she was not welcome to do here was bringing the friends and the drinking party to this house, unless I left town, then the house became drunk home base for them for the weekend).
Kittycat - I appreciate your comments on Codependence. I do think that is why this relationship lasted 10 years and not 10 days. Somewhere in me was a need to continue with a relationship despite the abuses I took emotionally over having to deal with someone with a drinking problem. Most people would have given the ultimatum or took off right at the start. There had to be some reason I stuck in it this long before finally deciding she had to leave if I was going to be happy. But it was so hard.
Bekindalways - Thanks for understanding that it's hard to let go, and so sorry to hear of your struggles as well. I feel different from moment to moment right now. Sometimes, optimistic and hopeful and looking forward to having to not worry about her drinking any more. Other times, regretful and woeful that she never got it under control, and that it's caused a 10 year relationship to wither, die, and end. I have taken up 45 minutes of daily exercise which helps I think, and have been trying to eat healthier food (not junk food) which also has to help. It may be a while before I feel like my full self again, but I know it will come.
pndm - That's so hard, I agree. Sorry you have to deal with it, too. Some days it feels like trying to convince someone who says the sky is yellow that the sky is blue. You are pretty sure you know the right answer, but in their eyes, you are wrong and they are the sane one, YOU are the crazy one for trying to help them choose sobriety when every fiber of their being tells them is perfectly OK to drink.
Thanks so much everyone. I'll be around.
I realized how long and rambling of a post it was when I read it back. Also realized I got the drug she tried to fix the problem with wrong -- It's naltrexone -- but that's in the past now anyway.
I will definitely come back here to at least journal as the difficult process continues.
Redatlanta - You were the first to my pity party and thanks.
It sounds like you may know something about change and long term relationships yourself from your comments. Thanks for understanding that despite knowing it's the right decision, that it is still difficult.LexieCat - Sorry to hear what you have been through yourself. You certainly seem to have the perfect grasp on what it's like on the inside as well as from the outside. I am with you on the care and love we have for our partners. I do think the longer this went on, especially like it is now, I would eventually just resent her to the point of disgust and I am glad we can go out differently. We are still civil, talking, doing little favors for one another, as she packs up to move (and she is going willingly, not trying to lay down a guilt trip or get me to beg her to stay). The fight has ended. She still says she wants to quit, so like you say, she could get there. She told me she is "working on herself all the time" and that she "will get better" so the desire is there in her somewhere. I just can't wait for it anymore. It would certainly be my preference for her life than getting beaten by the bottle. As you've noted, there is no knowing how much time it will take her, if at all, and at some point you just need to let them go and succeed or fail on their own 2 feet.
CodeJob - Thank you, that's really it, isn't it. I hate that I even had to have it come to this. The booze or a relationship with me. But essentially that's what it did. We never married because I knew that as long as this addiction was there, I could never promise to be there forever. I wish it didn't have to be that cut and dry of a choice. As I mentioned in my thread, I don't hate alcohol or not enjoy it on occasion myself. You'd think she'd have had a better shot with a person like me because for the longest time, I never thought she would need to stop, just cut back. Then I realized that while there ARE times she can have 2 drinks at dinner and then carry on with her evening, there's never a certainty when the first bit of alcohol hits the lips. The other thing I realized over the years is that sleeping after drinking became her defense mechanism to stop. If we went to dinner and she had 2 beers, then we came home,if she couldn't have more booze to continue the night on, after starting on the 2, she'd want to go to sleep. I realized it was hard for her to stay awake and resist the urges telling her that she wants to have more after she had those first two.
Maia - I've done what you described for so long -- Tried to just either live with it, or get out of her way when it was happening. Spend time with her at home or outside of home when there was no booze being consumed, and disappear when it was. Unfortunately her choice to continue and escalate the drinking just meant two different lives for us. On the weekends, if she's either going to be drinking (without me around as a result), or sleeping off a hangover, I realized it's not a relationship anymore. She is a roommate who sleeps here, eats here, lives here, but not a partner anymore.
Leaving her alone worked for some time, but I always had in the back of my mind that maybe eventually she'd realize it was a lonely life to just drink and be ignored. So, she turned to new friends who would be accepting of her drinking and made that her life. I understand why it happened, but it was the last straw -- She leaves to be with them because she doesn't have to deal with my cold shoulder while she does it at home. It reminds me of something she said the other day when we were talking about her moving into her own place. She said, "Ironically now I won't be out much at all." In other words, now that she has her own place and space, she can binge drink at home again without the judgement, so she can just sit home and drink or invite people over to drink (something she knew she was not welcome to do here was bringing the friends and the drinking party to this house, unless I left town, then the house became drunk home base for them for the weekend).
Kittycat - I appreciate your comments on Codependence. I do think that is why this relationship lasted 10 years and not 10 days. Somewhere in me was a need to continue with a relationship despite the abuses I took emotionally over having to deal with someone with a drinking problem. Most people would have given the ultimatum or took off right at the start. There had to be some reason I stuck in it this long before finally deciding she had to leave if I was going to be happy. But it was so hard.
Bekindalways - Thanks for understanding that it's hard to let go, and so sorry to hear of your struggles as well. I feel different from moment to moment right now. Sometimes, optimistic and hopeful and looking forward to having to not worry about her drinking any more. Other times, regretful and woeful that she never got it under control, and that it's caused a 10 year relationship to wither, die, and end. I have taken up 45 minutes of daily exercise which helps I think, and have been trying to eat healthier food (not junk food) which also has to help. It may be a while before I feel like my full self again, but I know it will come.
pndm - That's so hard, I agree. Sorry you have to deal with it, too. Some days it feels like trying to convince someone who says the sky is yellow that the sky is blue. You are pretty sure you know the right answer, but in their eyes, you are wrong and they are the sane one, YOU are the crazy one for trying to help them choose sobriety when every fiber of their being tells them is perfectly OK to drink.
Thanks so much everyone. I'll be around.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
To look at it another way, don't you think it would be more odd to NOT feel sadness or grief over the ending of a 10 yr relationship? Letting go is extremely hard for us Codies - I think it's because it means we have to also drop our denial, it's a step toward acceptance. It's a point of no return - you know that everything changes, one way or another, from this moment forward no matter what.
I once got into an argument with AH that was literally us arguing over the color of the blue sky. Those moments made me feel like my mind was cracking in half - what was reality? How could he SERIOUSLY be arguing with me, vehemently defending himself over the use of "blue" vs "teal" to describe that day's sky? He could construct an argument out of anything because it all justified the reasons he fed that active addiction. After he was sober he said it really was just about winning - he wouldn't even flinch as he lied through his teeth even while the evidence to the contrary sat at his feet. Logic played NO part in his addiction.
Glad you found us, keep posting!
Some days it feels like trying to convince someone who says the sky is yellow that the sky is blue.
Glad you found us, keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Redatlanta - You were the first to my pity party and thanks. It sounds like you may know something about change and long term relationships yourself from your comments. Thanks for understanding that despite knowing it's the right decision, that it is still difficult
Well I do! Don't we all?
I have had two relationships that were so devastating after the break up I thought I might die the pain was so extreme.
Today if I were to walk by either of those people I wouldn't even say hello. Not mad at them, just folks I used to know. In hindsight the relationships were spectacularly weak, and offered me little beyond a good roll in the hay, and a lot of headaches. NO THANKS.
Well I do! Don't we all?
I have had two relationships that were so devastating after the break up I thought I might die the pain was so extreme.
Today if I were to walk by either of those people I wouldn't even say hello. Not mad at them, just folks I used to know. In hindsight the relationships were spectacularly weak, and offered me little beyond a good roll in the hay, and a lot of headaches. NO THANKS.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I think all of us here (apart from those who are still dealing with the shock of realizing the extent of their problem and doing their best to hang on) know how it feels to face the end of a relationship ended because of alcoholism/addiction. It really, truly SUCKS, no matter how necessary it is.
Hey, look at how hard we all take the ULTIMATE inevitability--death. Necessity has nothing to do with how much it hurts.
Hey, look at how hard we all take the ULTIMATE inevitability--death. Necessity has nothing to do with how much it hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Your life is like mine. However, I chose to stay together, and had children with my alcoholic XAH. If you think you are sad now, watch an addict promise their child it will never happen again, then rinse and repeat. Your heart is screaming in pain. It's terrible.
I hate to say this, because I know it's sad, but she has made the choice. She wants to drink, and she is not going to stop. She is ONLY blaming you because addicts very rarely will admit they caused the problem. That would cause them to come out of denial, and they need that denial to continue to drink. It's an evil cycle.
I know you are sad, so I say this all gently. Let Go. Let her go. Go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for face to face support. Continue to reach out, post, and read here at SR. I know it's hard to hear, but her moving out is saving you from an entire lifetime of the hurt and chaos that life with an addict is like.
I hate to say this, because I know it's sad, but she has made the choice. She wants to drink, and she is not going to stop. She is ONLY blaming you because addicts very rarely will admit they caused the problem. That would cause them to come out of denial, and they need that denial to continue to drink. It's an evil cycle.
I know you are sad, so I say this all gently. Let Go. Let her go. Go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery for face to face support. Continue to reach out, post, and read here at SR. I know it's hard to hear, but her moving out is saving you from an entire lifetime of the hurt and chaos that life with an addict is like.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I relate so much to your post!
It is so hard, and so so heartbreaking to let go of the hopes you had for the future, and the good memories. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
I can't count the times I left / kicked him out and said I was "DONE!" only to agree to "try again" shortly after when he sobered up.
I just couldn't handle the grief....
I finally followed through, but I still struggle every day....
Hang in there...it does get easier, slowly but surely.
Glad you're here!!
It is so hard, and so so heartbreaking to let go of the hopes you had for the future, and the good memories. It's the hardest thing I've ever gone through.
I can't count the times I left / kicked him out and said I was "DONE!" only to agree to "try again" shortly after when he sobered up.
I just couldn't handle the grief....
I finally followed through, but I still struggle every day....
Hang in there...it does get easier, slowly but surely.
Glad you're here!!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
Recently I've been wanting to post about how much pain and sadness I feel about my relationship truly being over with my AH. I've just wanted to scream out to the world that I'm in pain. So I know like many others have expressed the pain you feel. There is almost a soothing validation in knowing others are feeling the same way.
Like you I had to finally end things because he left me no choice. But boy don't we wish THEY would of made a different choice so we could have our "happily ever-after" with them.
Even though I hurt right now I have so much hope for my future. Addiction brings so much hurt and chaos and instability. There really is no real relationship when addiction is present and we all deserve more.
So hang in there and stay strong for your future! All of us who love so greatly deserve to be loved greatly in return.
I like the idea someone gave you of getting a rescue dog. Dogs benefit from being rescued, people don't.
SR is a wonderful place to "hang out" glad your here
Like you I had to finally end things because he left me no choice. But boy don't we wish THEY would of made a different choice so we could have our "happily ever-after" with them.
Even though I hurt right now I have so much hope for my future. Addiction brings so much hurt and chaos and instability. There really is no real relationship when addiction is present and we all deserve more.
So hang in there and stay strong for your future! All of us who love so greatly deserve to be loved greatly in return.
I like the idea someone gave you of getting a rescue dog. Dogs benefit from being rescued, people don't.
SR is a wonderful place to "hang out" glad your here
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southgate, MI
Posts: 30
I could have wrote your post. My relationship with my Bf ended almost two weeks ago after 8 years. I asked the same questions you did. Why am I sad? Two weeks out and I can't say it's Any better, and I struggle every day not to contact him, tell him I love him, and try to make him choose me. Next to the definition of a codependent is my picture. I'm sorry you're going through this. This site has been wonderful to vent, to hear people understand and get it, and encourage you to stick around. Currently, I hear my ex is drinking it up with other women and having a grand time while I struggle to get up and breathe every day. But every day, there are no fights, no blaming, no lies - And just being done with that toxic part has been a huge sense of relief. Keep coming back. It helps so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I owe so many more of you thanks and replies and I'll be sure and hit that tomorrow when I have the proper time to give you. Just wanted to post a quick update while it was fresh in my mind today.
She's continuing to try and open windows, doors, whatever to get me to take back the line in the sand on moving out. She's measuring furniture, packing bags, has her new place lined up and is ready to move in this weekend. I remarked on what a pain it is going to be for her to move everything that's hers (she wants to take every item in the house she paid for, it's not much but some large items, and it's her right to do that). "Well, you're the one who told me to move out, right?" She said. "So I'm moving out!"
At least, she's not putting up any kind of fight, but that's her personality. You're done with the relationship? So is she. No concessions. No discussions. Nothing further to say or reason. She is done too.
And that does make things easy logistically anyway. Maybe not on the heart, but at least, no fighting it.
Thursday night has become "trivia night" which really means "get really drunk at the bar night" though she for months since she started this tradition with her friends has been "I'm going to play trivia" not "I'm going to get drunk". Trivia runs from 8-10. She leaves around 7:30 and usually drives home herself around 11:30 or midnight. Every week, I'm invited. Every week I say no. I don't want to be around her when she drinks anymore. Now that her schedule gives her Fridays off, every week, Thursday is the new Friday. There is no tomorrow. It's made Thursday a heavy drinking night, every week.
So, anyway, I can take solace in the fact knowing that there's not many of these left, in fact, this could be the last one. Also, it's oddly easier to sit home knowing our R is ending and it's 11 PM and despite her saying "I'll try not to be out late" when she walked out the door, I knew not to expect any different, and it's already easier. Weeks ago, I'd sit home and stew and be filled with anger and disappointment that yet again, this turned into a 4+ hour drinking binge.
My favorite is when she's at the bar for 4 hours and comes home, and says she had "2 beers" and that's it. I watch her drink a beer every 15 minutes when it's around. 2 beers at a bar in 4 hours! What a lark.
Anyway, just posting this to vent a bit and get it out.
Thank you all so much for stopping by this thread today, your comments mean the world and I intend to write back to all of them tomorrow. I know what I am going through pales in comparison to what many of you are experiencing, so I appreciate your accepting my words and offering yours in return.
Talk to everyone again soon.
She's continuing to try and open windows, doors, whatever to get me to take back the line in the sand on moving out. She's measuring furniture, packing bags, has her new place lined up and is ready to move in this weekend. I remarked on what a pain it is going to be for her to move everything that's hers (she wants to take every item in the house she paid for, it's not much but some large items, and it's her right to do that). "Well, you're the one who told me to move out, right?" She said. "So I'm moving out!"
At least, she's not putting up any kind of fight, but that's her personality. You're done with the relationship? So is she. No concessions. No discussions. Nothing further to say or reason. She is done too.
And that does make things easy logistically anyway. Maybe not on the heart, but at least, no fighting it.
Thursday night has become "trivia night" which really means "get really drunk at the bar night" though she for months since she started this tradition with her friends has been "I'm going to play trivia" not "I'm going to get drunk". Trivia runs from 8-10. She leaves around 7:30 and usually drives home herself around 11:30 or midnight. Every week, I'm invited. Every week I say no. I don't want to be around her when she drinks anymore. Now that her schedule gives her Fridays off, every week, Thursday is the new Friday. There is no tomorrow. It's made Thursday a heavy drinking night, every week.
So, anyway, I can take solace in the fact knowing that there's not many of these left, in fact, this could be the last one. Also, it's oddly easier to sit home knowing our R is ending and it's 11 PM and despite her saying "I'll try not to be out late" when she walked out the door, I knew not to expect any different, and it's already easier. Weeks ago, I'd sit home and stew and be filled with anger and disappointment that yet again, this turned into a 4+ hour drinking binge.
My favorite is when she's at the bar for 4 hours and comes home, and says she had "2 beers" and that's it. I watch her drink a beer every 15 minutes when it's around. 2 beers at a bar in 4 hours! What a lark.
Anyway, just posting this to vent a bit and get it out.
Thank you all so much for stopping by this thread today, your comments mean the world and I intend to write back to all of them tomorrow. I know what I am going through pales in comparison to what many of you are experiencing, so I appreciate your accepting my words and offering yours in return.
Talk to everyone again soon.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wells, please don't feel you need to reply to each of us individually. We don't usually operate that way (and this isn't a warning or anything, just to say it really isn't necessary). We just kind of share our experience, strength and hope (or ES&H, for short) and don't expect individual replies.
Hope you will stick around. There's some great support and info on this site. I have been happily single for ten years, and happily sober for almost 8, and I hang around just because I like to share what I've learned, and I'm constantly learning new things from others here. We have a great bunch of people, and awesome moderators who keep the trains running on time.
I'm sure, once you are out, there will be a lot of mixed emotions--some of it relief (as you're already observing), mixed with a sense of grief and loss, and sometimes sadness and loneliness (and the occasional bouts of resentment and anger aren't out of line, either). It's a process, and resolves fairly quickly for some people, and lasts a bit longer for others.
Maintaining your boundaries and taking good care of yourself during this time will help immeasurably.
Hope you will stick around. There's some great support and info on this site. I have been happily single for ten years, and happily sober for almost 8, and I hang around just because I like to share what I've learned, and I'm constantly learning new things from others here. We have a great bunch of people, and awesome moderators who keep the trains running on time.
I'm sure, once you are out, there will be a lot of mixed emotions--some of it relief (as you're already observing), mixed with a sense of grief and loss, and sometimes sadness and loneliness (and the occasional bouts of resentment and anger aren't out of line, either). It's a process, and resolves fairly quickly for some people, and lasts a bit longer for others.
Maintaining your boundaries and taking good care of yourself during this time will help immeasurably.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Lexie is so right. You don't need to respond to each individual message. We don't need that. We need to know how you are doing, your feelings, and how we might be able to help. IDK, sometimes responding to everyone, might turn me off sometimes from posting. All you have to do is to speak your own mind and your own feelings. I do hope you are having a decent night.
You know what helped me the most. It was reading back the same words that I wrote here. It was like I put my "soul" out here, and I wanted to read those words again so that I could never forget.
I kind of felt like if I journaled here, I could always read it again. There is that story about the frog being put into cold water or hot water. If you want that story ask about it. It's about being so use to abuse, that you don't even recognize it.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
You know what helped me the most. It was reading back the same words that I wrote here. It was like I put my "soul" out here, and I wanted to read those words again so that I could never forget.
I kind of felt like if I journaled here, I could always read it again. There is that story about the frog being put into cold water or hot water. If you want that story ask about it. It's about being so use to abuse, that you don't even recognize it.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Wells,
It's funny the things she is doing, the typical path a's go down
If she goes to move out, you ignore her, she realizes you arent budging, she will reach out to you and say she might have a problem, and in the future she will be a good girl. You trust her again, honeymoon period, and then on the sly she is drinking again and you regret you let her back in.
Or second senerio she moves out, gets her independence and will have parties non stop. You hear about how awesome her life is. She will have another enabler/love in no time. This is painful, but remember, she was a train wreck with you and she will be a train wreck with out you. (This is very common of addicts, as they need someone to help them facilitate their drinking.) They do say it is truly hard to get rid of an addict.
Keep reading and reaching out. You will be one step ahead of her. Sending hugs my friend.
It's funny the things she is doing, the typical path a's go down
If she goes to move out, you ignore her, she realizes you arent budging, she will reach out to you and say she might have a problem, and in the future she will be a good girl. You trust her again, honeymoon period, and then on the sly she is drinking again and you regret you let her back in.
Or second senerio she moves out, gets her independence and will have parties non stop. You hear about how awesome her life is. She will have another enabler/love in no time. This is painful, but remember, she was a train wreck with you and she will be a train wreck with out you. (This is very common of addicts, as they need someone to help them facilitate their drinking.) They do say it is truly hard to get rid of an addict.
Keep reading and reaching out. You will be one step ahead of her. Sending hugs my friend.
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