LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys,

I'm writing this right now not even knowing what I want to say. There is a bubble inside of me that feels like it is going to burst. I so badly wish that I could wake up and have the last 2 weeks of my life be a total nightmare... I wish my exAB was shaking me awake and saying "Its ok baby ... It has just been a bad dream?" I feel like I am walking in a fog most moments of most days. I am afraid nothing will ever feel the same again. I am afraid of every possible trigger. I am in a new apartment that doesn't feel like home yet. I literally laid in bed 70% of the day yesterday at my parents house dreading coming back to my new apartment because it is a reminder that I no longer live with my exAB. That all of this pain is real. That there is no going back. That even if there was going back... I know too much now about the disease of alcoholism... I have read too much... Learned too much and I am working my own program in alanon... I will never be nieve to this again... In my worst moments I think... It was all me... it is all my fault that things ended... if I would've just been more patient ...that he is out drinking and partying and met a girl who will get drunk with him and be ok being in a checked out relationship... Sometimes my own thoughts seem to big of a burden to bare. I have got to pull it together. I have no choice. I own a pretty busy company and it isn't fair to my business partner that I am only 1/2 there mentally during our huge success and growth. The problem is I don't know how to pull out of this. I don't know how I can go on client meetings when all I am thinking is "How the F did we get here?"... I know it is the crazy making of the A behavior... How just 3 weeks ago were we talking about the trips that him and I were going to take with his children this summer and now we don't even speak? It all feels so jarring... My heart feels like it is breaking more each day ... My anger has faded for him... the chaos has calmed in my mind and depression feels like it has sunk in... thank you for listening

Berrybean

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm AA not AlAnon, but I'm presuming the 12-step principles are the same. Please, please keep on top of your daily recovery work at this tough time, as it will pull you through it. Have you got a sponsor in alanon? Are you actively working the steps? If not, these are definitely ways that you could give your recovery work more structure and strength.

This is what my Recovery To Do list looks like, just in case that helps...

Daily ...
prayers and meditation
reading recovery literature (Big Book or other, either program based or general - if we seek, we find)
step work ie inventory and working on living amends
gratitudes
read and post on here - helping others helps us
Application of the principles to all areas of my life

Regular throughout the week..
Contact others from the fellowship
Meetings
Service at meetings
Listen to 12-step recordings on non meeting days

firebolt

Oh sweetie. This is part of the process. It is temporary and it WILL get better.

PROMISE!

One foot in front of the other. No contact will make this the shortest, most direct rout to healing. I kept going back for a few months after I left the XABF....and through several more painful incidents, was reminded EVERY TIME why it wasn't right for me. The pain of leaving lasted 3 months longer than it needed to for me.

You are doing the right thing. 90 Days of no contact put me in a place to get back into my recovery - hardcore. Then, other things in my life followed...healthier eating, more exercising, less overspending, minimizing unhealthy friends, and spending more time on things that make me happy.

It is a process, the early days are painful, and it is OK to take the time you need to sleep through some of it, to cry through some of it, and to isolate through some of it. (((HUGS))) This won't last forever.

LexieCat

Have you talked to your business partner about what's going on? Most people understand that personal problems can sometimes make it tough to focus for a while. Business partners can often help pick up some of the slack, or delegate/outsource some of your responsibilities temporarily.

And this IS a temporary situation, however it FEELS right now. It's been less than two weeks, if I recall correctly. Patience. It takes time to recover. Spend some time "nesting" in your new home. If you don't stay there, it won't feel like home.

Every one of us here, who has left an alcoholic partner, has felt the same kind of grief, dislocation, and despair you feel right now. It doesn't last. We are living happy lives now--those of us who have gotten some time/distance. Keeping up the no-contact will help.

Hugs,

dandylion

Thus is what grieving is. Lean into it one day at a time.

dandylion

***Statistically...he is likely to show up at the back door, one day---like a brokedick dog...

hope778

Kaya,

The depression did not have a chance to settle in while you were amidst the turmoil that was your relationship. It still was potentially there. Now that things have slowed down, the thoughts, questions, regrets, etc. will pass through since they can. Please don't believe the lies that you could have done anything different to produce a different outcome. Please remember addiction is stronger than us. We cannot manipulate it, even by being a fun, carefree girlfriend who lives in the moment and enjoys to party. The addiction ultimately would have won anyways, unless he chose to defeat it. It hurts. Bad. I know.


Side note... This. Has. Me. Rolling. Never heard this, and its amazing.

dandylion

hope778.....I'm glad if I could bring you a laugh.....

Actually, growing up in the South---we have tons of these kinds of sayings.....lol....

dandylion

AnvilheadII

i think it's time to leave your childhood bedroom and move IN to your NEW place. so you are going forward.......and work on making the place fit YOU - decorate, adorn, fill. buy some brand new high thread count sheets. plush towels. make your home a spa!!!

LovelyKaya33333

I do have a sponsor...we are working the steps together... Thank you for this...and support

LovelyKaya33333

I have done all of this.. I even bought a brand new white sofa ( he had kids so we couldn't get a white sofa last time)... I have bought new sheets, new bedding ... I had my first client meeting in my own home today. It went well... I still miss him terribly

LovelyKaya33333

I guess I feel like a total baby... I just think I don't want to feel the pain... It hurts too much... almost like having the stomach flu... for the first 3 days or so you accept it but after that I am like really?? It has been almost 2 weeks... Can it let up a little... I just need to breathe... thank you all again... missing someone hurts so bad... I think I need to write down all the things I didn't like about our relationship to give me some much needed perspective

Optimist4ever57

Give it time. Pamper yourself and spend time with the supportive people in your life. It will get better, but you do need to grieve.

I remember when my husband left me...it was 5 years ago and he refused any and all contact with me. He was actually running a recovery group at our church (he had been clean for 15 years) and ran off with one of the women in the program. I kept asking my therapist, "When will the pain end?" Her answer - it depends. Mine lasted about 4 months (sorry, I wish I could be more encouraging) and it was a gradual. While the no contact hurt like the devil, I know it was best for me. Besides my daughter threatened to cut off his male parts if he ever contacted me again, so that probably scared him. She's tough.

dandylion

LovelyKayla.....If you wrote that you "like to have the pain"....we would know that you were really effed up! Do you know anyone who likes the pain of breakup grieving?

You are at 2 weeks or so.... Here is how it goes.....
1st 6 weeks are the most acute...feels overwhelming...can interefere with daily functions.....kalidescope of feelings....By 6wks---able to resume important functions and responsibilities....

At about 3months. the person can see some abatements of the acute pain.....intensity of the feelings are somewhat less....and occur less often....

At about 6months....grieving has reduced significantly, and the person can begin thinking of the future rather than living much of the time obsessionally ruminating about the details of the past relationship.....

At one year mark---the person feels normal in their own skin, again....and the experience takes on more of a feeling of "history" than being a part of daily existence....The loss has been, for the most part, resolved and reframed in a way that is possible to live with.....

having said this...I doubt that you will gain any quicker relief from the pain....because that is not how it works......
right now....your task is to get from day to day in one piece.
You cannot shortcut the pain and there is now way to go around it...unless you really want to mess yourself up....
straight through is the shortest way to healing....

Mother Nature arranged it this way. For a reason known mainly to her (it is a long story)......It is this way for all human kind.....

I am trying to tell you what is realistic to expect....but, it won't really help...because it is an intellectualization of what is going on....It will register in the frontal lobe...but, what you are feeling resides, mostly in another part of your brain......

dandylion

LexieCat

Wait a minute, you HAVE had some relief. Re-read your old threads. There were a couple of days here and there where you were feeling pretty good. So it hasn't been COMPLETELY unrelenting. Over the next few weeks you will notice times when you are actually thinking about something else. You will notice you laughed at a joke. You will notice your place really looks pretty nice. You will notice you got absorbed in an activity that you enjoyed--even if it was a TV show or a book.

You will gradually have more and more moments like that. Not that you won't still have moments of pain, but they will gradually lessen in intensity and become further apart.

It's like recovering from a serious illness or accident, not the three-day stomach flu.

Accept that it will hurt for a while and soldier on.

dandylion

****.....I want to add one more thing.....
You are exactly where you need to be, right now. What you describe is normal for the situation.....Cry as long as you want...sleep wherever you feel most comfortable....ruminate as much as you need to...it is part of the process.
At this point...just getting fro m day to day in one piece is a victory!
dandylion

***do you remember the old days...when widows wore only black for one year?....that was because it was empirically realized that that was the average time that it took to grieve.....

maia1234

Kaya,
It's ok to feel the pain. You love this man and that's ok. You can still love this man, but this time you need to do it from a distance. We don't always have to be with people that we love. Step back and take your time. Feel the pain. Some times we move to fast, and don't comprehend what we are going through. Be blessed that you loved this man and he "loved" you too. Some people never find true love.

Sending hugs my friend, you will be ok, it just takes time.

Optimist4ever57

Starting day 6 which means tomorrow I will be celebrating 1 week!

I didn't wake with anxiety this morning so I am very pleased about that. A good night's sleep really does help me, but I want desperately to stop napping. I feel so unproductive and need to figure out something to do to get past the urge to sleep.

Thankfully, no urges to drink.

Optimist4ever57

Kaya, I hope you're feeling a bit better today...it does take time and while you may not see it on a day to day basis, you will improve.

hope778

I grew up/live in the south, and somehow missed this one!

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you for your replies. I am not feeling better today ... I am allowing myself the grieve though
...One day at a time... I has to get better. It just has to