letting go and hopeing for love
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
letting go and hopeing for love
I have recently discovered this site and it has been very supportive just reading other posts.
Yesterday i literally left my boyfriend in a public park after i got off of work and he was slap drunk in our car in my job parking lot.
He yelled at me calling me names while i sped down the highway ( i cheated on him and told him and now every time he gets drunk i am the biggest **** in the world) i finally couldn't take it anymore and pulled in the park and left him there. No cell phone in his hand .He called me at work today from a random number and asked can i pick him up from a family dollar. I told him no but now feel terrible that he may be dead or in jail. I know tough love is the answer but could really use sime supportive words on moving forward and how to. We have been sleeping in our car because we got evicted when i lost my job but i can stay with family. None of his family will allow him to stay with him.
Any encouragement would be nice at this point.
Thanks all
Yesterday i literally left my boyfriend in a public park after i got off of work and he was slap drunk in our car in my job parking lot.
He yelled at me calling me names while i sped down the highway ( i cheated on him and told him and now every time he gets drunk i am the biggest **** in the world) i finally couldn't take it anymore and pulled in the park and left him there. No cell phone in his hand .He called me at work today from a random number and asked can i pick him up from a family dollar. I told him no but now feel terrible that he may be dead or in jail. I know tough love is the answer but could really use sime supportive words on moving forward and how to. We have been sleeping in our car because we got evicted when i lost my job but i can stay with family. None of his family will allow him to stay with him.
Any encouragement would be nice at this point.
Thanks all
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
hopelove, welcome to SR. It's too bad you are in a situation where you'd need to come here, but it's good that you found us.
You're looking for "supportive words on moving forward and how to." If you can spend some time reading around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, you'll get a good start on that. I'm pretty sure you'll find the experiences of others here will resonate w/you. Alanon is also a great source of support and education.
It's good that you are disengaging from him. It's normal that you're struggling w/guilt. Keep reading, keep posting, and in time you'll see your way forward.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
You're looking for "supportive words on moving forward and how to." If you can spend some time reading around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, you'll get a good start on that. I'm pretty sure you'll find the experiences of others here will resonate w/you. Alanon is also a great source of support and education.
It's good that you are disengaging from him. It's normal that you're struggling w/guilt. Keep reading, keep posting, and in time you'll see your way forward.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
It sounds like you made a huge first step, hopelove123. From what you've written, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate just trying to get your own life back together, so it's wise of you to cut him loose so he can try to do the same. I'm sending your positive thoughts and strength; I know it's really hard. Keep posting, and keep looking around at how others have gotten themselves to a better place. P.S. I'm glad you have family that help you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Its good to hear you have family support. Go for it, get back on track. As the old saying goes "let go or be dragged". It appears that cohabitation with this A has resulted in your own homelessness and/or inability to move in with YOUR family because he won't be accepted there (or I assume you would already be living there).
That his family will not allow him to live with THEM screams loud and clear. Nothing good here for you - move on with your life.
That his family will not allow him to live with THEM screams loud and clear. Nothing good here for you - move on with your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Every single action has a consequence, be it good or bad. If you continue to rescue him, he will have zero chance to suffer consequences bad enough to want to change his behavior. It will just be rinse and repeat.
You deserve peace and calm. There is a reason his family have told him he cannot stay with them. Reason...his own actions. It all comes down to the same thing. I have heard many testimonies from addicts who were not willing to do what it takes to be clean until they spent so very real time in jail. So if that happens, that consequence may be the thing that saves him.
You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. He has to want recovery, or not. It's his choice, and you saving him every time from himself is not going to help his recovery.
I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard to watch those you care about make such bad choices for themselves. However, you are not responsible for anyone except yourself.
Many hugs.
You deserve peace and calm. There is a reason his family have told him he cannot stay with them. Reason...his own actions. It all comes down to the same thing. I have heard many testimonies from addicts who were not willing to do what it takes to be clean until they spent so very real time in jail. So if that happens, that consequence may be the thing that saves him.
You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. He has to want recovery, or not. It's his choice, and you saving him every time from himself is not going to help his recovery.
I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard to watch those you care about make such bad choices for themselves. However, you are not responsible for anyone except yourself.
Many hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Every single action has a consequence, be it good or bad. If you continue to rescue him, he will have zero chance to suffer consequences bad enough to want to change his behavior. It will just be rinse and repeat.
You deserve peace and calm. There is a reason his family have told him he cannot stay with them. Reason...his own actions. It all comes down to the same thing. I have heard many testimonies from addicts who were not willing to do what it takes to be clean until they spent so very real time in jail. So if that happens, that consequence may be the thing that saves him.
You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. He has to want recovery, or not. It's his choice, and you saving him every time from himself is not going to help his recovery.
I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard to watch those you care about make such bad choices for themselves. However, you are not responsible for anyone except yourself.
Many hugs.
You deserve peace and calm. There is a reason his family have told him he cannot stay with them. Reason...his own actions. It all comes down to the same thing. I have heard many testimonies from addicts who were not willing to do what it takes to be clean until they spent so very real time in jail. So if that happens, that consequence may be the thing that saves him.
You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. He has to want recovery, or not. It's his choice, and you saving him every time from himself is not going to help his recovery.
I say this all gently b/c I know it's hard to watch those you care about make such bad choices for themselves. However, you are not responsible for anyone except yourself.
Many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Originally Posted by hopelove123
I have recently discovered this site and it has been very supportive just reading other posts.
Yesterday i literally left my boyfriend in a public park after i got off of work and he was slap drunk in our car in my job parking lot.
He yelled at me calling me names while i sped down the highway ( i cheated on him and told him and now every time he gets drunk i am the biggest **** in the world) i finally couldn't take it anymore and pulled in the park and left him there. No cell phone in his hand .He called me at work today from a random number and asked can i pick him up from a family dollar. I told him no but now feel terrible that he may be dead or in jail. I know tough love is the answer but could really use sime supportive words on moving forward and how to. We have been sleeping in our car because we got evicted when i lost my job but i can stay with family. None of his family will allow him to stay with him.
Any encouragement would be nice at this point.
Thanks all
Yesterday i literally left my boyfriend in a public park after i got off of work and he was slap drunk in our car in my job parking lot.
He yelled at me calling me names while i sped down the highway ( i cheated on him and told him and now every time he gets drunk i am the biggest **** in the world) i finally couldn't take it anymore and pulled in the park and left him there. No cell phone in his hand .He called me at work today from a random number and asked can i pick him up from a family dollar. I told him no but now feel terrible that he may be dead or in jail. I know tough love is the answer but could really use sime supportive words on moving forward and how to. We have been sleeping in our car because we got evicted when i lost my job but i can stay with family. None of his family will allow him to stay with him.
Any encouragement would be nice at this point.
Thanks all
My qualifier went to jail for 3 years. It was horrible for him and probably the best thing that could have happened.
Take care of yourself and just keep healing and building your life back each day a little at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
He is in jail and calling
So, why am i accepting his free calls from jail? I feel so crazy and stupid right now. I am short and resentful through most of the conversation. Do you know what he said to me?! "Why wont I be compassionate instead od angry?" Really?! I am not sure what to do. Help please.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
hopelove,
You can't reason with someone in active addiction. It's best not to try, as they are really good at making us look like the bad guys, which is what your ex did with the "compassion" criticism.
Sounds like you know you would be better off not taking his calls and listening to his self-pitying manipulation, right? Can you otherwise occupy yourself? Be with friends and family? Go for a walk, away from the phone? Tell yourself that maybe you'll talk to him, but not until tomorrow (and then keep postponing)?
You can't reason with someone in active addiction. It's best not to try, as they are really good at making us look like the bad guys, which is what your ex did with the "compassion" criticism.
Sounds like you know you would be better off not taking his calls and listening to his self-pitying manipulation, right? Can you otherwise occupy yourself? Be with friends and family? Go for a walk, away from the phone? Tell yourself that maybe you'll talk to him, but not until tomorrow (and then keep postponing)?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Still calling. Being STRONG!
Originally Posted by sauerkraut
hopelove,
You can't reason with someone in active addiction. It's best not to try, as they are really good at making us look like the bad guys, which is what your ex did with the "compassion" criticism.
Sounds like you know you would be better off not taking his calls and listening to his self-pitying manipulation, right? Can you otherwise occupy yourself? Be with friends and family? Go for a walk, away from the phone? Tell yourself that maybe you'll talk to him, but not until tomorrow (and then keep postponing)?
You can't reason with someone in active addiction. It's best not to try, as they are really good at making us look like the bad guys, which is what your ex did with the "compassion" criticism.
Sounds like you know you would be better off not taking his calls and listening to his self-pitying manipulation, right? Can you otherwise occupy yourself? Be with friends and family? Go for a walk, away from the phone? Tell yourself that maybe you'll talk to him, but not until tomorrow (and then keep postponing)?
Its July 4th and I feel lonely but am thankful for my family. Did i mention my ex and I have two small kids? 6 & 8. Thank God for my parents who have helped shield them from most chaos.
I write in hopes that I can gain advice/support on why I feel so guilty for not answeing my phone? Why I feel alone but have a great family around? What do i do once he gets released (probably soon)? Will this get better?
Hope you all have a great holiday and stay strong.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You've been trained to jump every time he does something...or doesn't do something. So all your instincts are to jump in, clean up his mess, try to prevent him from making another one, fix it, stop it....overcoming that training is really hard.
And usually our addicts have done a spectacular job of convincing us that their problem is our fault. "Why aren't you more compassionate" is classic.
Stop leaving him money...you need that for your kids, right? How is he getting all these phone calls, anyway? I thought those were limited. If you still are propping him up he's still not feeling the full consequences of his actions.
Maybe you can be working on Plan B for when he gets out and what kind of limits you're going to have and what you'll do when he relapses?
Sending you a hug.
And usually our addicts have done a spectacular job of convincing us that their problem is our fault. "Why aren't you more compassionate" is classic.
Stop leaving him money...you need that for your kids, right? How is he getting all these phone calls, anyway? I thought those were limited. If you still are propping him up he's still not feeling the full consequences of his actions.
Maybe you can be working on Plan B for when he gets out and what kind of limits you're going to have and what you'll do when he relapses?
Sending you a hug.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just out of curiosity, do you know what he's in jail for?
This guy is a complete loser. I'm glad you're working now, but will it be enough to support you and your kids? Use the support of your family to work on getting on your own two feet so you can get a place of your own for you and the kids. He SHOULD be financially supporting his kids--I'd suggest talking to a lawyer. You more than likely qualify for legal aid. Get a support order in place, so if he ever does get a few bucks in his pocket, it will go to the kids.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a very good time. You can build a great life for yourself, but you have to get your priorities in place, and this man will only keep dragging you down.
This guy is a complete loser. I'm glad you're working now, but will it be enough to support you and your kids? Use the support of your family to work on getting on your own two feet so you can get a place of your own for you and the kids. He SHOULD be financially supporting his kids--I'd suggest talking to a lawyer. You more than likely qualify for legal aid. Get a support order in place, so if he ever does get a few bucks in his pocket, it will go to the kids.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a very good time. You can build a great life for yourself, but you have to get your priorities in place, and this man will only keep dragging you down.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Getting out today
So, just found out he will be released today fron clerk. For those that asked-he was there for a failure to appear after probably being drunk on the street when i left him in park.
I am suddenly so anxious and not sure what to do. I know he will contact me as soon as he is out. I have not answered since my last post. I feel like throwing up as I know he has nowhere to go and he is wanting me to rescue him.
Thank you all for your support. I attended my first al-anon meeting over the phone during my commute. Never knew others shared their support snd stories over the phone.
Please help me to stay strong. Right now I feel like a heartless person to just leave him stranded at the jail with nowhere to go. But, i know this is what i should do if i want to break the chaos our lives/relationship has been.
Help.
I am suddenly so anxious and not sure what to do. I know he will contact me as soon as he is out. I have not answered since my last post. I feel like throwing up as I know he has nowhere to go and he is wanting me to rescue him.
Thank you all for your support. I attended my first al-anon meeting over the phone during my commute. Never knew others shared their support snd stories over the phone.
Please help me to stay strong. Right now I feel like a heartless person to just leave him stranded at the jail with nowhere to go. But, i know this is what i should do if i want to break the chaos our lives/relationship has been.
Help.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You created your children, now you MUST do what is best for them. Is having a drunk and beligerant father around doing them any favors?
Please put them first in all your decisions and everything will fall into place.
Tight hugs.
Please put them first in all your decisions and everything will fall into place.
Tight hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hopelove.....I can assure that an able bodied person can find a place to stay or sleep if they HAVE NO OTHER OPTION. They are more resourceful than you think they are.....
If the parents won't let them stay there--there is usually a verrry good reason for that. Probably from his past behaviors.
They will go from open door to open door until they have exhausted the good will of every single enabler who will give in.
Hitting the bottom...if they do...usually when they have exhausted every single option.........
He is not a husband...you don't have any obligations to him to stay in a relationship.....legal or otherwise......
don't let your guilt buttons be pushed to the extent that you do the wrong thing......you will pay for it if you do.......
dandylion
If the parents won't let them stay there--there is usually a verrry good reason for that. Probably from his past behaviors.
They will go from open door to open door until they have exhausted the good will of every single enabler who will give in.
Hitting the bottom...if they do...usually when they have exhausted every single option.........
He is not a husband...you don't have any obligations to him to stay in a relationship.....legal or otherwise......
don't let your guilt buttons be pushed to the extent that you do the wrong thing......you will pay for it if you do.......
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Ride n Chaos
I appreciate everyone's hugs. I needed them. I dont want to lie about what i did...so here it is.
I picked him up and he expected me to get him a room for tonight because i recently got paid. I said No. I do not have the money but will give you a ride to the train. He calld me a "lie". After a 20 min ride he asks ne to take him to pull money off his card and makes a scene in the parking lot because i said " please close MY car door " i am literally in the crosswalk with my door open and him standing in the door. He says " its always me, me, me, I,I,I!" He slams the door and gets out. I should have pulled off then, but waited and took hom to his friends house. He asks. " what can i do?!" I say " get some help get onto a ..." He says " I dont want to hear all that" before i can finish my sentence. It was like I had an epiphany...this is never going to change.
In the driveway he says "how can you be so mean. What dont contact you anymore?" i said no and pulled off.
I know my actions went against what many of you suggested. But it was like I needed to see if he would be an ahole one more time. I dont know why i needed this?? And I see clear as day now that continuing down a road with him in his active addiction is destruction. I choose life.
I could not have gotten through this without all of your support and encouragement. Your posts have kept me strong. Its weird, I know no ones name but feel close and free to share in this community. I choose life and i choose recovery. I want to be strong for my kids and shield them from all unnecessary pain.
Thanks SR community.
Much love. Many hugs. Stay strong.
I picked him up and he expected me to get him a room for tonight because i recently got paid. I said No. I do not have the money but will give you a ride to the train. He calld me a "lie". After a 20 min ride he asks ne to take him to pull money off his card and makes a scene in the parking lot because i said " please close MY car door " i am literally in the crosswalk with my door open and him standing in the door. He says " its always me, me, me, I,I,I!" He slams the door and gets out. I should have pulled off then, but waited and took hom to his friends house. He asks. " what can i do?!" I say " get some help get onto a ..." He says " I dont want to hear all that" before i can finish my sentence. It was like I had an epiphany...this is never going to change.
In the driveway he says "how can you be so mean. What dont contact you anymore?" i said no and pulled off.
I know my actions went against what many of you suggested. But it was like I needed to see if he would be an ahole one more time. I dont know why i needed this?? And I see clear as day now that continuing down a road with him in his active addiction is destruction. I choose life.
I could not have gotten through this without all of your support and encouragement. Your posts have kept me strong. Its weird, I know no ones name but feel close and free to share in this community. I choose life and i choose recovery. I want to be strong for my kids and shield them from all unnecessary pain.
Thanks SR community.
Much love. Many hugs. Stay strong.
Last edited by hopelove123; 07-06-2016 at 06:35 PM. Reason: spelling add event
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Stay clear...your kids are learning such a vital lesson in watching you say "no more" to his treatment of you. You really can't give them a greater gift than teaching them not to allow others to mistreat them.
Sending another hug...you're a smart cookie.
Sending another hug...you're a smart cookie.
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