Letting go for me ...Letter
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Letting go for me ...Letter
Dear exAB,
I texted you last night. I unblocked you and texted you. I had gone on a date with an awesome guy and I drank some wine. I clearly am not ready for either. I am not ready to date or have an alcohol in me because both of those things lower my inhibitions and ultimately make me miss you.
I admit it was good to hear from you. Good to go back and forth in conversation. It felt good to hear you say that despite everything we have now gone through that you meant all of the wonderful things you said to me. It was good to hear you say that living with your ex wife was a total disaster. It was good to hear you say that you are working on your sobriety... I believe that is how you felt last night but each day changes.
I woke up this morning not only feeling gross from drinking wine last night but I felt like I had an emotional hangover as well. In the year we spent together I felt like I was getting bulldozed constantly... The chaos that came from your constant changes about what you wanted in life... ( you wanted custody of your children, then you didn't know if you could do it on your own, then you felt like you needed to get your ex wife an apartment, then you wanted her to stay in TN. You wanted children with me, then you didn't want anymore children, then you wanted them again with me...I was the love of your life, then "things just didn't work out", Then 1 week later you said you knew we were perfect for each other...You wanted to marry me, then you weren't sure if you wanted to get married again, then back to wanting to marry me... the countless times you told me you needed to quit drinking and it was a life or death situation for you...only to return to drinking daily a week or 2 later and told me I was being controlling when I pointed it out)... The chaos just went on and on and on and on.....
I don't know if I will ever know the truth of you and what the year we spent together meant to you. I know i will miss a lot... I will miss our beach walks, dinners... I will miss going to sushi... I will miss seeing your face everyday... I will miss your sense of humor and our great banter... I will miss our sex life and the way it feels when you hold me in the morning before work... I will miss our inside jokes ... I will miss your children and being a part of raising them with you... I will miss beach days... I will miss your friends... I will miss the way you smell...
I won't miss the feeling like i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop... i won't miss you ordering a beer at dinner even after we agreed to not have alcohol in the house... I won't miss telling you I would stop drinking with you so that you had support ( I am not an A but wanted to be supportive) just to find out my non drinking days way out lasted yours... and feeling silly for that... I won't miss your attitude when you would drink... I won't miss you telling me that it is normal for a 33 year old man with 2 kids to get so drunk one weekend that he doesn't come home at night and the next weekend makes it home but throws up in the backyard from drinking to much.... That to me is so far from "normal" .... I won't miss questioning myself often and think ing "am I being too hard on him?"... I won't miss hearing about your divorce and custody battle as if I am just a girl you have "put on a shelf" until life for us can begin....
I loved you ... I still love you... I think I will always love you. I waited a very long time to meet someone that I felt this connected to... That my parents loved... Everything was sooooo good in the beginning... you were my best friend... I wish so badly that we could've gone back in time... that you would've told me you were an active alcoholic the first week we met... I wish that one of us would've pumped the breaks before our relationship went head first into a wall...
I am hurting today because even if you did get sober, even if you did complete a program I will never be able to look at you the same. You broke my heart and my trust... you betrayed me ... I am not ashamed for texting you but it can't happen again... even just texting with you brings me back to "the good old days"... but it could never be the same again. I wish you happiness... I wish you sobriety...
Love, Me
Thank you for reading guys...I am not sending it...just wanted to write what was on my mind
I texted you last night. I unblocked you and texted you. I had gone on a date with an awesome guy and I drank some wine. I clearly am not ready for either. I am not ready to date or have an alcohol in me because both of those things lower my inhibitions and ultimately make me miss you.
I admit it was good to hear from you. Good to go back and forth in conversation. It felt good to hear you say that despite everything we have now gone through that you meant all of the wonderful things you said to me. It was good to hear you say that living with your ex wife was a total disaster. It was good to hear you say that you are working on your sobriety... I believe that is how you felt last night but each day changes.
I woke up this morning not only feeling gross from drinking wine last night but I felt like I had an emotional hangover as well. In the year we spent together I felt like I was getting bulldozed constantly... The chaos that came from your constant changes about what you wanted in life... ( you wanted custody of your children, then you didn't know if you could do it on your own, then you felt like you needed to get your ex wife an apartment, then you wanted her to stay in TN. You wanted children with me, then you didn't want anymore children, then you wanted them again with me...I was the love of your life, then "things just didn't work out", Then 1 week later you said you knew we were perfect for each other...You wanted to marry me, then you weren't sure if you wanted to get married again, then back to wanting to marry me... the countless times you told me you needed to quit drinking and it was a life or death situation for you...only to return to drinking daily a week or 2 later and told me I was being controlling when I pointed it out)... The chaos just went on and on and on and on.....
I don't know if I will ever know the truth of you and what the year we spent together meant to you. I know i will miss a lot... I will miss our beach walks, dinners... I will miss going to sushi... I will miss seeing your face everyday... I will miss your sense of humor and our great banter... I will miss our sex life and the way it feels when you hold me in the morning before work... I will miss our inside jokes ... I will miss your children and being a part of raising them with you... I will miss beach days... I will miss your friends... I will miss the way you smell...
I won't miss the feeling like i was always waiting for the other shoe to drop... i won't miss you ordering a beer at dinner even after we agreed to not have alcohol in the house... I won't miss telling you I would stop drinking with you so that you had support ( I am not an A but wanted to be supportive) just to find out my non drinking days way out lasted yours... and feeling silly for that... I won't miss your attitude when you would drink... I won't miss you telling me that it is normal for a 33 year old man with 2 kids to get so drunk one weekend that he doesn't come home at night and the next weekend makes it home but throws up in the backyard from drinking to much.... That to me is so far from "normal" .... I won't miss questioning myself often and think ing "am I being too hard on him?"... I won't miss hearing about your divorce and custody battle as if I am just a girl you have "put on a shelf" until life for us can begin....
I loved you ... I still love you... I think I will always love you. I waited a very long time to meet someone that I felt this connected to... That my parents loved... Everything was sooooo good in the beginning... you were my best friend... I wish so badly that we could've gone back in time... that you would've told me you were an active alcoholic the first week we met... I wish that one of us would've pumped the breaks before our relationship went head first into a wall...
I am hurting today because even if you did get sober, even if you did complete a program I will never be able to look at you the same. You broke my heart and my trust... you betrayed me ... I am not ashamed for texting you but it can't happen again... even just texting with you brings me back to "the good old days"... but it could never be the same again. I wish you happiness... I wish you sobriety...
Love, Me
Thank you for reading guys...I am not sending it...just wanted to write what was on my mind
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Glad to hear you aren't sending it. I totally understand every thought, feeling, and emotion you describe.
My alcoholic second husband wasn't an awful human being, either. My kids still speak of him fondly--he was a fun guy, a lot of the time. But the relationship was eventually killing me, along with him, because of the drinking. And he was the only one who could fix that--I sure couldn't.
Sadly, he never got better. It's been close to 20 years and he's still a mess. How he's even alive is beyond me, but I'm SO happy I didn't stick around for the front-row seat for the train wreck of his life.
Hugs, it gets better--promise!
My alcoholic second husband wasn't an awful human being, either. My kids still speak of him fondly--he was a fun guy, a lot of the time. But the relationship was eventually killing me, along with him, because of the drinking. And he was the only one who could fix that--I sure couldn't.
Sadly, he never got better. It's been close to 20 years and he's still a mess. How he's even alive is beyond me, but I'm SO happy I didn't stick around for the front-row seat for the train wreck of his life.
Hugs, it gets better--promise!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
8 days out and you went on a date???? sorry, that just caught me off guard....your posts of late have indicated depression, sadness and grief. curious how "the date" happened?
It was a guy friend of mine. I let him know after the date that I was sorry but i wasn't ready to date...
I realized I was trying to just get my mind off if everything and that it was wrong...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just another reminder--be careful about constantly trying to distract yourself to avoid feeling the pain of the breakup. The "date" seems to be another attempt at that.
Just allow yourself to feel sucky for a while. Maybe block out an hour or so for grief and self-pity every day, if you have to. You don't want to get stuck there, and you don't want to wallow indefinitely, but a little bit of wound-licking and crying isn't uncalled-for.
Just allow yourself to feel sucky for a while. Maybe block out an hour or so for grief and self-pity every day, if you have to. You don't want to get stuck there, and you don't want to wallow indefinitely, but a little bit of wound-licking and crying isn't uncalled-for.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
i agree
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Just another reminder--be careful about constantly trying to distract yourself to avoid feeling the pain of the breakup. The "date" seems to be another attempt at that.
Just allow yourself to feel sucky for a while. Maybe block out an hour or so for grief and self-pity every day, if you have to. You don't want to get stuck there, and you don't want to wallow indefinitely, but a little bit of wound-licking and crying isn't uncalled-for.
Just allow yourself to feel sucky for a while. Maybe block out an hour or so for grief and self-pity every day, if you have to. You don't want to get stuck there, and you don't want to wallow indefinitely, but a little bit of wound-licking and crying isn't uncalled-for.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
You are brave to post this. And you did it eloquently.
I saw a lot of similarities in your story with one relationship I had. I know I will be tackling him on my resentment list. Eep.
Take care of yourself.
I saw a lot of similarities in your story with one relationship I had. I know I will be tackling him on my resentment list. Eep.
Take care of yourself.
...hard day
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
I would urge caution about dating as well. When we have an emotional void inside ourselves, the least healthy thing to do about it is to ask somebody else to fill that void for us. Doing so makes your happiness *entirely* dependent on somebody else being there to validate you as being a person who is worth caring about. Making you whole again is not somebody else's job, it's your job. Once you can get to a point where you are happy with your life despite being single, that is when you are ready to start dating again because that is when you can contribute your own share of happiness to a relationship.
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Originally Posted by Thomas45
I would urge caution about dating as well. When we have an emotional void inside ourselves, the least healthy thing to do about it is to ask somebody else to fill that void for us. Doing so makes your happiness *entirely* dependent on somebody else being there to validate you as being a person who is worth caring about. Making you whole again is not somebody else's job, it's your job. Once you can get to a point where you are happy with your life despite being single, that is when you are ready to start dating again because that is when you can contribute your own share of happiness to a relationship.
I agree 100%... Going on the date was a mistake ... Thats why I wrote in the beginning that drinking any alcohol or going on a date is something I am not ready for. I told the guy I went on a date with that I realized I wasn't ready to date. I know it isn't anyone elses job to make me whole. That is why I am here seeking support as well as in alanon working the steps with my sponsor.
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