Still struggling at 8 months to be around people
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Still struggling at 8 months to be around people
Been doing really well lately last month or so I thought I'd moved on somewhat and my mindset changing - today has been a bit of a sad day as it was the funeral of my best friends mum.
After the crematorium it was back to a pub for the wake, as it was my best friend I felt obliged to be there of course for him and for support, all family and friends are big drinkers - first time I had been in a pub for months but having got myself to this stage and feeling good thought I would be ok, as soon as we got in there there I felt uncomfortable- bottles of wine on each table - I sat at the back and got a coffee whilst my wife went and got a drink and me a water - could l feel myself going right into myself and really struggling to speak to anyone - just wanted to get out of there, tried to be sociable but felt so uncomfortable- a few people offering me drinks which I politely declined and everyone getting louder, went for a wander and came back and all the lads stood around the bar then just decided I needed to get out of there - told my mate I was going to have to make a move and left my wife there to go back for her later.
Honestly thought I was getting there that this wouldn't be an issue today and again straight away I'm back to having to make flight and leave l, back at home on my own kicking myself for feeling like this again and why I couldn't deal with it.
Feel like crap now as it's pathetic- my mate just buried his mum and I can't even stay around a few of them for an afternoon / evening drinking without getting myself all freaked out and going weird.
Like I say I was thinking I could deal with it without issue but being around everyone just did my head in completely - I'm happy to not go in such places and prefer not to if honest but feels like I'm running away again - not a chance I was going to be drinking but want to be able to socialise without the drama and panicked feeling I got there again.
Appreciate any advise as I don't want this to be something that causes problems long term - it's ok dodging the pub with the lads but there's always going to be occasions like this that are unavoidable and I want to be able to deal with it better than I have.
Feeling pretty anxious and a bit stupid too but just couldn't stay there.
Off back to pick the wife up shortly and in all honesty feel so uneasy now wouldn't be able to speak to anyone if I tried.
This really isn't me - it's embarrassing !!
After the crematorium it was back to a pub for the wake, as it was my best friend I felt obliged to be there of course for him and for support, all family and friends are big drinkers - first time I had been in a pub for months but having got myself to this stage and feeling good thought I would be ok, as soon as we got in there there I felt uncomfortable- bottles of wine on each table - I sat at the back and got a coffee whilst my wife went and got a drink and me a water - could l feel myself going right into myself and really struggling to speak to anyone - just wanted to get out of there, tried to be sociable but felt so uncomfortable- a few people offering me drinks which I politely declined and everyone getting louder, went for a wander and came back and all the lads stood around the bar then just decided I needed to get out of there - told my mate I was going to have to make a move and left my wife there to go back for her later.
Honestly thought I was getting there that this wouldn't be an issue today and again straight away I'm back to having to make flight and leave l, back at home on my own kicking myself for feeling like this again and why I couldn't deal with it.
Feel like crap now as it's pathetic- my mate just buried his mum and I can't even stay around a few of them for an afternoon / evening drinking without getting myself all freaked out and going weird.
Like I say I was thinking I could deal with it without issue but being around everyone just did my head in completely - I'm happy to not go in such places and prefer not to if honest but feels like I'm running away again - not a chance I was going to be drinking but want to be able to socialise without the drama and panicked feeling I got there again.
Appreciate any advise as I don't want this to be something that causes problems long term - it's ok dodging the pub with the lads but there's always going to be occasions like this that are unavoidable and I want to be able to deal with it better than I have.
Feeling pretty anxious and a bit stupid too but just couldn't stay there.
Off back to pick the wife up shortly and in all honesty feel so uneasy now wouldn't be able to speak to anyone if I tried.
This really isn't me - it's embarrassing !!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hey Andy,
I think you're being hard on yourself. You were there to stand in support of your friend during his grief, you honored his mother's memory. That was the most relevant part of the day, not the drinking afterward.
You've worked hard to turn the ship around. I recall your earliest posts recounting some pretty regrettable times that took place because of alcohol. I'm playing armchair psychologist here, but it wouldn't surprise if the reaction you experienced was because you were in the midst of so much alcohol and it reminded you of what you could have lost.
Chances are you may not be able to do the appearance in a pub for a long time. In the long run, not a big deal. You may also discover that you can do the limited appearance, with your wife there to support you and a fresh NA beverage in your hand. Give it time.
Perhaps at some point, you'll want to share the changes in your life with a friend so that others can be discreetly aware of why pubs aren't your bag. But that can happen in good time.
The most important thing is to not let this get the best of you. You don't want to spend that much time thinking about booze. Know that you were there for your friend and that is what matters the most. Breathe deep. It gets better.
I think you're being hard on yourself. You were there to stand in support of your friend during his grief, you honored his mother's memory. That was the most relevant part of the day, not the drinking afterward.
You've worked hard to turn the ship around. I recall your earliest posts recounting some pretty regrettable times that took place because of alcohol. I'm playing armchair psychologist here, but it wouldn't surprise if the reaction you experienced was because you were in the midst of so much alcohol and it reminded you of what you could have lost.
Chances are you may not be able to do the appearance in a pub for a long time. In the long run, not a big deal. You may also discover that you can do the limited appearance, with your wife there to support you and a fresh NA beverage in your hand. Give it time.
Perhaps at some point, you'll want to share the changes in your life with a friend so that others can be discreetly aware of why pubs aren't your bag. But that can happen in good time.
The most important thing is to not let this get the best of you. You don't want to spend that much time thinking about booze. Know that you were there for your friend and that is what matters the most. Breathe deep. It gets better.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
You were in an incredibly dangerous situation and did the right thing by leaving.
Your mate doesn't need a dead friend on top of a dead mother.
I've got a few more months than 8 and I still don't feel comfortable in those situations. Heck, I was just at the rehearsal get together the day before mu daughters wedding and there was a bit more drinking than I thought there would be. I held my ex sister in law's baby for a half hour. kept me busy.
Your mate doesn't need a dead friend on top of a dead mother.
I've got a few more months than 8 and I still don't feel comfortable in those situations. Heck, I was just at the rehearsal get together the day before mu daughters wedding and there was a bit more drinking than I thought there would be. I held my ex sister in law's baby for a half hour. kept me busy.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
Andy,
We never know, as prepared as we think we are, how we may react around a drinking situation. Above all, you didn't drink, and that is paramount.
The important thing is you were there for your friend. You did great.
We never know, as prepared as we think we are, how we may react around a drinking situation. Above all, you didn't drink, and that is paramount.
The important thing is you were there for your friend. You did great.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You done excellent not drinking & was there for your friend with time things get easier but your right some things are unavoidable Christmas for example but I think you done your sobriety & your friend justice I can imagine it wasn't easy at 8 months but you did it and know or at least I hope you wont have to go to another funeral anytime soon bud
lean on us
lean on us
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Pubs are still not my favorite place to be Andy and I have the best part of a decade sober.
I actually think it's a good sign you're cautious and introspective about this.
Like Venecia said, you supported your friend and honoured his mum - the rest is not important.
D
I actually think it's a good sign you're cautious and introspective about this.
Like Venecia said, you supported your friend and honoured his mum - the rest is not important.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
I think it's only natural to feel uneasy, especially if it was the first time you had been in one since becoming sober.
In my corner of the world, people don't gather at bars and pubs after a funeral. Most often it is a meal at a church, someone's home, or a community center. I know that it's (congrating at bars after a funeral) a custom here in many parts of the U.S. as well, but I still find it a bit strange.
At any rate, even if you are never really comfortable in a pub again, its a small price to pay for getting your life back.
In my corner of the world, people don't gather at bars and pubs after a funeral. Most often it is a meal at a church, someone's home, or a community center. I know that it's (congrating at bars after a funeral) a custom here in many parts of the U.S. as well, but I still find it a bit strange.
At any rate, even if you are never really comfortable in a pub again, its a small price to pay for getting your life back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Thanks all appreciate the kind words and advice, helps to realise it's not just me that feels this way.
Agreed FWG it has even when drinking always seemed a little strange to me that the wake becomes nothing more than a booze up - I watched as so many of them couldn't wait to get the wine open on the tables - I too would have been there myself 12 months ago and propped the bar up for the afternoon / evening in some strange belief that it's what they would have wanted.
My friend understood and my wife has reiterated how proud she is and so too the few close friends who were there who know the situation, like you say maybe in time but maybe not, something I'll just have to see with further down the road still much better to be where I am right now than where I would have been.
One thing I have done is declined our quarterly board meeting in October which has conveniently been located in a nice hotel in the sunshine in Malta for 3 days - not a chance I could get on that plane or make an appearance there - it was understood but does feel like I am cutting myself off - no way I'm putting myself anywhere near what is basically a 3 day bender, entertaining etc is something i don't ever envisage being on the cards the way I feel it just doesn't sit well and I doubt it ever will.
Agreed FWG it has even when drinking always seemed a little strange to me that the wake becomes nothing more than a booze up - I watched as so many of them couldn't wait to get the wine open on the tables - I too would have been there myself 12 months ago and propped the bar up for the afternoon / evening in some strange belief that it's what they would have wanted.
My friend understood and my wife has reiterated how proud she is and so too the few close friends who were there who know the situation, like you say maybe in time but maybe not, something I'll just have to see with further down the road still much better to be where I am right now than where I would have been.
One thing I have done is declined our quarterly board meeting in October which has conveniently been located in a nice hotel in the sunshine in Malta for 3 days - not a chance I could get on that plane or make an appearance there - it was understood but does feel like I am cutting myself off - no way I'm putting myself anywhere near what is basically a 3 day bender, entertaining etc is something i don't ever envisage being on the cards the way I feel it just doesn't sit well and I doubt it ever will.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Red,
To me you are coming across as someone who thinks he has "flubbed up" or made some kind of big mistake...such is not the case, friend! Let me tell you why:
You really should celebrating - certainly not because of your mates mother dying, but because you basically said "NO" to your flesh; NO to booze.
You felt uncomfortable. THAT'S OKAY.
You had some NA drink. THAT'S GOOD.!
You got out of there when it got too intense and UN-ENJOYABLE for you...(I'm assuming you did NOT enjoy being around all that booze.)
You did a lot of things RIGHT!
So, instead of feeling bad about how you handled this situation, you should feel that you succeeded in more than one way.
You're still going through a major transformation...be PATIENT, friend.
Hope all is well. We are here for support and glad you felt free to express your feelings. Take care.....
To me you are coming across as someone who thinks he has "flubbed up" or made some kind of big mistake...such is not the case, friend! Let me tell you why:
You really should celebrating - certainly not because of your mates mother dying, but because you basically said "NO" to your flesh; NO to booze.
You felt uncomfortable. THAT'S OKAY.
You had some NA drink. THAT'S GOOD.!
You got out of there when it got too intense and UN-ENJOYABLE for you...(I'm assuming you did NOT enjoy being around all that booze.)
You did a lot of things RIGHT!
So, instead of feeling bad about how you handled this situation, you should feel that you succeeded in more than one way.
You're still going through a major transformation...be PATIENT, friend.
Hope all is well. We are here for support and glad you felt free to express your feelings. Take care.....
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
RedAndy, thank you for the inspiring post.
I understand the stress about having to leave under the circumstances but it was necessary.
You did what you needed to do to protect your sobriety. That, my friend, is HUGE!
I understand the stress about having to leave under the circumstances but it was necessary.
You did what you needed to do to protect your sobriety. That, my friend, is HUGE!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
I think you handled yourself very well RA. In the grand scheme of things, 8 months is not a long time. For me it wasn't, considering I relied on drinking for almost 40 years.At 8 months we are still learning. Only you can train yourself to know when you'll be able to handle being in those situations. Being able to excuse yourself, having an escape plan, is the better option when the circumstances arise. The best option is to continue to avoid social events surrounded by drinking. I understand there are some obligations we feel we must uphold. You did the right thing. The longer time you have the easier it will become. Just don't thrust yourself into that atmosphere. Baby steps.
In the first year or so of being sober, I noticed drinks everywhere. Not long after, I stopped noticing.
Still, when I go into a restaurant I remove the drink menu or wine list from sight and ask the server to take it. Just keep doing what you're doing. In time you won't even notice it.
I will add that whenever a server does the 'get drink orders first' routine, before they can even take a breath I get out "unsweetened tea with lemon" before they get a chance to tell me the "specials".
In the first year or so of being sober, I noticed drinks everywhere. Not long after, I stopped noticing.
Still, when I go into a restaurant I remove the drink menu or wine list from sight and ask the server to take it. Just keep doing what you're doing. In time you won't even notice it.
I will add that whenever a server does the 'get drink orders first' routine, before they can even take a breath I get out "unsweetened tea with lemon" before they get a chance to tell me the "specials".
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