Help with guilt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Help with guilt
For many years, we did everything together as a family. For me, now, that no longer works. Having the AH around, even when he's not drinking, just puts a damper on my time with my young adult kids. AH is resentful, passive-aggressive, condescending and generally negative. I am not my best when I'm around him. But I feel guilty for excluding him.
I find I'm just a happier, more carefree person, when I'm not around him. I need space, lots and lots of space. I know it must feel like we're leaving him out. And we are (or I am). Myself and the kids is how I've seen our family, for the last several years.
We spent the last few years, waiting for him. Waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him to be sober. Waiting for him to want to be a real part of the family. We spent so much time just waiting that we didn't go anywhere. It was just the 4 of us, sitting around waiting for him. And I got tired of this. So I began making plans for just the kids, or some of the kids, and myself. But my kids feel like I'm deliberately leaving him out (which I am), and they feel like they're being hurtful to him. And I feel guilty for putting them in this place.
Leaving him out is not to serve as "punishment", it's really about me finding peace and serenity. But I'm not ready for separation or divorce. I'm just not there.
I need help sorting this out, so I can ditch the guilt. The guilt negatively impacts my quest for serenity, too.
I find I'm just a happier, more carefree person, when I'm not around him. I need space, lots and lots of space. I know it must feel like we're leaving him out. And we are (or I am). Myself and the kids is how I've seen our family, for the last several years.
We spent the last few years, waiting for him. Waiting for him to come home. Waiting for him to be sober. Waiting for him to want to be a real part of the family. We spent so much time just waiting that we didn't go anywhere. It was just the 4 of us, sitting around waiting for him. And I got tired of this. So I began making plans for just the kids, or some of the kids, and myself. But my kids feel like I'm deliberately leaving him out (which I am), and they feel like they're being hurtful to him. And I feel guilty for putting them in this place.
Leaving him out is not to serve as "punishment", it's really about me finding peace and serenity. But I'm not ready for separation or divorce. I'm just not there.
I need help sorting this out, so I can ditch the guilt. The guilt negatively impacts my quest for serenity, too.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gettingstronger....they have spent years watching you put him first.....so, doesn't it seem logical that they would copy you as a role model...?
Wouldn't it seem logical to him that if he is a part of the family...under the same roof...that he be included?
Children learn what they see.....more so than what they are "told".....
I am saying this..not to make you feel bad...but, to help you walk in the children's shoes and understand where they might be coming from.....
dandylion
Wouldn't it seem logical to him that if he is a part of the family...under the same roof...that he be included?
Children learn what they see.....more so than what they are "told".....
I am saying this..not to make you feel bad...but, to help you walk in the children's shoes and understand where they might be coming from.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: WA
Posts: 9
Thank you for sharing getting stronger, I sure can relate to those feelings.
I too spent many years waiting around for the good to come, when with my H I could not enjoy the time, I was sleething inside. I would prefer to do things without my H, I wouldnt have to feel off, embarrassed etc. that way. BUT for me the big shift changed in my own attitude as I did internal work on me. I was so resentful at my H, I was full of shame and guilt for things that were not mine and mine to be... I can see what my true motives were, once I was willing to be honest with myself. Today I know that if I am deliberately doing something, there is something going on within me that I need to address, it has nothing to do with others in my life. By doing the footwork, attending meetings I can say I am happy today, we do things as a family and I do not have to own whatever type of behavior is happening around me, only mine. I often say to myself, nothing changed if nothing changes... I like to think of math... A+B=C. A is me, my actions and reactions. B is my H his actions and reactions = C is the result of that.... but in algebra if we slightly change the A to `A we get a different result of what C is, even tho B doesnt change... by changing my actions, reactions, working on me - my resentments, forgiveness, letting go, detaching with love and offering love, encouragement, understanding the results of the relationship changes. Today I have to remember I reap what I sow. When I put a speck of compassion, self care, tolerance and love to others in my life I am also teaching others how I want to be treated.
Keep coming back, you're worth it!
Kat
I too spent many years waiting around for the good to come, when with my H I could not enjoy the time, I was sleething inside. I would prefer to do things without my H, I wouldnt have to feel off, embarrassed etc. that way. BUT for me the big shift changed in my own attitude as I did internal work on me. I was so resentful at my H, I was full of shame and guilt for things that were not mine and mine to be... I can see what my true motives were, once I was willing to be honest with myself. Today I know that if I am deliberately doing something, there is something going on within me that I need to address, it has nothing to do with others in my life. By doing the footwork, attending meetings I can say I am happy today, we do things as a family and I do not have to own whatever type of behavior is happening around me, only mine. I often say to myself, nothing changed if nothing changes... I like to think of math... A+B=C. A is me, my actions and reactions. B is my H his actions and reactions = C is the result of that.... but in algebra if we slightly change the A to `A we get a different result of what C is, even tho B doesnt change... by changing my actions, reactions, working on me - my resentments, forgiveness, letting go, detaching with love and offering love, encouragement, understanding the results of the relationship changes. Today I have to remember I reap what I sow. When I put a speck of compassion, self care, tolerance and love to others in my life I am also teaching others how I want to be treated.
Keep coming back, you're worth it!
Kat
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 89
Dandylion, I do understand that what they've seen all of their lives is that Mom doesn't matter. And for many years, I believed this, too. It does seem logical that AH would be included, if this were a "normal" family, or if we had a "normal" relationship.
It's so hard to bear, to have my kids (who I love more, and am closer to, than anyone else in my life) upset with me, even just a little bit, when I'm just trying to find some peace in my life. How to I get rid of the guilt for doing what is better for me?
It's so hard to bear, to have my kids (who I love more, and am closer to, than anyone else in my life) upset with me, even just a little bit, when I'm just trying to find some peace in my life. How to I get rid of the guilt for doing what is better for me?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gettingstronger....I am going to make a couple of assumptions.....that your young adults are out of the house?
I wonder how much you are working on yourself..your own feelings and desires and needs?
I am talking about a face to face support group...Like ACOA--adult child of alcoholics, in your case...
committing to ongoing individual ltherapy for your self in addition.....
Your kids are young adults, now. I would explain exactly, to them, exactly what you told us in one paragraph--at the beginning of this thread....
since they are adults....you can suggest ACOA to them, also...as they certainly qualify...lol....
He isn't going to change. You have a whole rest of your life to live. How do you want to live it.....just how important is your own happiness, to you.....
The "guilt" that you speak of probably has been a part of the baggage that I imagine that you have carried (unknowingly) for your entire life...since your early years....
What you have to deal with is really about you...you, deep, inside.....
It is never too late to begin......
dandylion
I wonder how much you are working on yourself..your own feelings and desires and needs?
I am talking about a face to face support group...Like ACOA--adult child of alcoholics, in your case...
committing to ongoing individual ltherapy for your self in addition.....
Your kids are young adults, now. I would explain exactly, to them, exactly what you told us in one paragraph--at the beginning of this thread....
since they are adults....you can suggest ACOA to them, also...as they certainly qualify...lol....
He isn't going to change. You have a whole rest of your life to live. How do you want to live it.....just how important is your own happiness, to you.....
The "guilt" that you speak of probably has been a part of the baggage that I imagine that you have carried (unknowingly) for your entire life...since your early years....
What you have to deal with is really about you...you, deep, inside.....
It is never too late to begin......
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
gettingstronger, do you go to Alanon at all? Do your kids go to Alateen? Both of those things might help. Since this is what your kids grew up with, they likely don't KNOW that it's not right or not healthy, and thus are likely to carry that forward and get into their own unhealthy relationships when they're older. So many of us here can trace our problems back to never having had any idea what a healthy relationship looked like--it's great that you're trying to model a better way, but they don't have any framework to understand that in, I think.
As far as getting rid of your own guilt? It's going to be a process, but basically I'd say it will involve continuing to realize that what you want and what you need is no less important than anyone else's wants and needs. You are no less a human being than AH or anyone else and do not deserve to waste your life waiting around for someone else to let you live it.
I see you're not new here and I'm guessing you've read posts about how it's actually NOT a kindness to keep on enabling the A. If you look at it from that perspective, and if you and Alanon and Alateen can help your kids to learn to look at it from that perspective, I'd think that would go a long ways towards clearing up the guilt. Hopefully others who have kids will chime in here and share their experiences.
ETA: I see dandy is assuming the kids are out of the house; I was assuming they were younger. Clarifying that might help people give better responses.
As far as getting rid of your own guilt? It's going to be a process, but basically I'd say it will involve continuing to realize that what you want and what you need is no less important than anyone else's wants and needs. You are no less a human being than AH or anyone else and do not deserve to waste your life waiting around for someone else to let you live it.
I see you're not new here and I'm guessing you've read posts about how it's actually NOT a kindness to keep on enabling the A. If you look at it from that perspective, and if you and Alanon and Alateen can help your kids to learn to look at it from that perspective, I'd think that would go a long ways towards clearing up the guilt. Hopefully others who have kids will chime in here and share their experiences.
ETA: I see dandy is assuming the kids are out of the house; I was assuming they were younger. Clarifying that might help people give better responses.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
50 years of accepting blame is not something that can be worked out in a year.
I myself find it hard to walk the line between trying too hard, trying to force change, and being too passive, not working like I should. Today's post in the "Language of Letting Go" thread speaks to the way we jump ahead in some aspects of recovery and lag behind in others, then switch the areas we're jumping and lagging in. A good visual for how recovery has been for me would be a gunny sack full of cats all trying to go in different directions!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gettingstronger.....I think it is actually an advantage that they are still at the knee...because it is much easier to role model behavior for them than when they are out of the house.....!
good that you are getting help....I still think that if you were raised by alcoholics and your children are being raised by an alcoholic...that ACOA wo uld be a natural for you all....and/or alateen for the kids.
You can also get some literature form that organization and suggested readings that are really good!
LOL.....I know it is not easy or super quick....Far be it from me to rain on anybody's prpgress!!
I never said easy...never one time in almost 8,000 posts!
If you ever catch me doing that--please put me in a time out.....
I always think of 13-19yrs. as teenagers. And, 20yrs to around 25yrs. as "Young adult".
Ages make a big difference in how we deal with them during these years, I think. Big difference between 13 and 15 1/2, say....Or, between a 16yr. old and 18, The difference between 19 and 21 can sometimes be enormous!!
Between 21 and 25---well, shut the front door!
dandylion
good that you are getting help....I still think that if you were raised by alcoholics and your children are being raised by an alcoholic...that ACOA wo uld be a natural for you all....and/or alateen for the kids.
You can also get some literature form that organization and suggested readings that are really good!
LOL.....I know it is not easy or super quick....Far be it from me to rain on anybody's prpgress!!
I never said easy...never one time in almost 8,000 posts!
If you ever catch me doing that--please put me in a time out.....
I always think of 13-19yrs. as teenagers. And, 20yrs to around 25yrs. as "Young adult".
Ages make a big difference in how we deal with them during these years, I think. Big difference between 13 and 15 1/2, say....Or, between a 16yr. old and 18, The difference between 19 and 21 can sometimes be enormous!!
Between 21 and 25---well, shut the front door!
dandylion
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