LadyBlue0527

I had an epiphany last night. A friend who doesn't know that I've quit drinking invited me to girls night out. I politely declined.

The images began, of them sitting around the bar table with their drinks in front of them, laughing and yucking it up, and I thought about how much I missed that.

Here's the epiphany. In my mind I removed the scene and put them at a dinner table with no one having alcohol in front of them and no one ordering any. I then considered how badly I missed being there.

It was an eye opener. I love this friend but realize how the playing field changed when the alcohol was absent. Although I did miss hanging with the girls the need became far less urgent.

I'm amazed at how our brains work. As happy as I am in sobriety my brain still wants to go there.

Try it out, what is your experience when you do this?

madgirl

Honestly, I probably enjoyed the drinking part most of all. The main point of relation with drinking buddies was - drinking.

At first I felt restricted and shut out from "fun" but my perspective is changing. Now I am curious - who am I, really? Who do I truly sync up with? How can I cultivate good relationships - deeper relationships - with others?

Drinking friendships are pretty shallow.

entropy1964

That's an interesting observation. Makes one wonder what real friendships are.

Maybe schedule something with these friends that doesn't involve booze. A yoga class and coffee after, a hike, something like that. You can see if they are really that 'fun'.

I have no female friends unfortunately. Or fortunately? Not sure which it is for me. Yesterday, daughter at her dad's, I was pretty bored. I felt like I should be lonely but I really wasn't. Just bored. Drinking for me is an activity...which of course its not, its a beverage. In many ways I used drink just to fill the time. Pretty stupid.

Good post.

August252015

Honestly, I do not go into these situations yet - and I am headed towards 5months sober.

I spend time one on one with a close circle of friends who know (some an overview and some nearly the whole story) of my drinking and now sobriety. Next week I am going to dinner with a gf I used to eat out with a LOT and have very nice dinners with good wine; I would want to see her anyway, and when I tell her about where I am, I expect she might just have one glass. It will be ok with me either way- she is not one to get drunk.

I keep myself in safe situations. That said, I just rejoined Junior League, which is a large volunteer org of women, and attended my first monthly luncheon with the ladies. Three or four of them ordered (one) drink each. That part didn't bother me; what did tire me (not bother, but tire) was the effort to engage again in the social life I used to fly through so effortlessly.

I have to take that kind of socialization in baby steps. A very good friend of mine, with whom I lost touch these last few years, is also part of the League and has offered to be my "date" for functions that are going to come up this year (there will be a lot as it is the 100th Anniversary year) and nearby if I need her at these things.

I'm glad that I still feel good "sticking close to home" with people, places and practices. I have had a few dinners out with one other person, who does not drink, but of course we were around others. It registered that people were drinking - last night at a Mexican place, I cracked up when I heard a 20-something in a big group talk to another guy: "Are you working tomorrow?" "Abso-boozely not!"- I just laughed and shook my head.

I like your exercise though, and will put the "would I want to be with them anyway" question to the test as I keep venturing out into broader situations.

LadyBlue0527

What blew my mind on this was that it's a friend that I really do love. It made me realize that I have accused people of shying away from me because I don't drink but I also have to look at myself. Ugh, shallow.

I'm looking forward to connecting with her away from bar scenes and on sober footing.

So today I learned that where I would chuckle at the meme that says "Do you want to find out who your real friends are? Get sober!" that I have work to do on myself in that area too.

That and from now on when I feel bad that I'm missing out what it's really about which helps me in keeping myself honest.

bandicoot2

Good post LadyBlue, thank you! That's interesting how you set up the bar vs. restaurant scenario and realized the different fellowship experience. Good for you!

I feel very fortunate that my truly good/best friends support my sobriety and will always be there for me in any situation. They don't get 'alcoholism' but respect my choice.

My drinking 'friends' are out of my life by my choice and that's OK. I don't miss the shallow relationships, the late nights & wasted time or the morning hangovers.

Ken33xx

Take away the drink away and I realized how little some of my friends and I had in common. I tried to socializing but it wasn`t much fun for me.

thomas11

That's a great exercise, you sound like you are doing very well. I do a lot of mind association stuff.

One of the more eye opening things I've learned in the past year is that when I log on to facebook and I see my friends drinking at bars with big smiles on their faces, I do not react as if I miss it, I immediately think about how awful they will feel in the morning, and some of them will no doubt wonder who they pissed off that night. Therefore, I don't want to drink.

August252015

I have found it interesting how many of my friends DO get alcoholism. Perhaps it's something in the water in my world of Southern, private school-country-club-raised folks but there's a lot of big drinkin' and alcoholism in lots of people's families, whether active or in recovery, talked about or not. Surprising how many. (Or maybe not so surprising). You just never know.

I, too, am grateful for the friends I have who support me regardless of their other/any experience with it.

Camery03

Great post!
These thoughts cross my mind a lot, and I like Thomas11, look at all the drunk pics on facebook of friends and family, and actually don't miss it, and wonder how crappy they will feel the next day.
I also found out who my true friends are when I quit drinking. And to be honest, they aren't really friends to me if they cant support my decision.

standswithafist

I'm not looking forward to this part of sobriety. I'm only on Day 2, but not drinking when my family and friends are drinking is one of the reasons I haven't been able to stop before now. I can't just not be with my family. I don't have that many. Most don't drink all that much - I tend to drink more than almost anyone in my family. But there will be wine or bloody marys at every gathering. I will miss enjoying those drinks with them. I hope I can make it through.

Most of my friends don't drink like I do either, so that part should be okay. My women friends and I usually get together for a meal or a movie, and most often alcohol isn't involved anyway. There are a few old male friends who drink A LOT more than I do, and I'll just have to stay away from them. I don't really have a problem with that either. Mostly our relationships are over the phone because they live farther away. Gone are the days when I will sit on the phone for hours and polish off an entire bottle of wine while doing so. I won't miss that.

Thanks for your post, Lady Blue. I wish you the best, and I know you can do this. I hope I can too.

Mountainmanbob

I don't do it often but, when I hang around people drinking to even a slight excess I seem to get bored with the atmosphere very quickly. Thus unless it's a very important event such as my daughters wedding reception etc etc I prefer not to go.

I use to drink a lot with my neighbor next door on his back porch. Now occasionally I hear the guys over there drinking with their loud mouths just a flapping with no where to go. They are average guys but, when they get to drinking they think of themselves as mighty great in their own minds.

Kind of remind me of me in my old drinking days.

MB

uncorked

Interesting post, LadyBlue. I'm 8 months sober and still haven't really socialized, at least in the evening. I don't want to be tempted. Most of my friends also drink, but I'm 52 and way past hanging out in the bar stage (thank God).

HopeandFaith1

I find myself romanticizing those first two or three drinks while out with friends. You know when you start to feel that cheerful glow and love everybody. If only we could stop there, but we wouldn't be here if we could. I have a handful of friends whose presence I enjoy without alcohol. Ironically they are my friends who don't drink.

Dee74

I go to dinner every Sunday night - good friends lots of laughs - and no alcohol.

Good times

D