Is he pulling another one over on me?

Old 06-26-2016, 05:50 AM
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Is he pulling another one over on me?

My husband recently got out of detox mainly for Suboxone addiction along with alcohol, and "occasional" (he states) pills such as Adderall and Xanax. Anyways, so he said detox was pointless and they kept him on suboxone and gave him higher doses than he's used to and he was violently ill and then they released him 7 days later. Then he started intensive outpatient at rehab. I asked him if I could go to a meeting with him and he hesitated but then said sure whatever you want. Then a few hours later he sent me an email asking if I would accept him leaving the rehab program and seeing a therapist one on one with drug tests. He said the meetings at rehab are pointless and he sits there for hours listening to everyone else's stories. Does it sound like he's not ready to be sober and possibly not even going to rehab? I feel like I'm constantly being manipulated and I don't know what to believe anymore. He wants the kids and I to move back home and I said I'm not ready...so he threatened to harm himself and when I told him how selfish he was being he said what are you talking about I never said I was going to harm myself. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone!!!
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Old 06-26-2016, 06:47 AM
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Recovery LOOKS and SOUNDS like RECOVERY.

let's see - he said detox was pointless. outpatient is pointless. he WANTS you to move home and when you said NO, he threatened self harm.

what does that look like to YOU? someone who is embracing recovery with both arms wide open? who is availing themselves of every bit of help and support they can?
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Old 06-26-2016, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunshine1234 View Post
My husband recently got out of detox mainly for Suboxone addiction along with alcohol, and "occasional" (he states) pills such as Adderall and Xanax. Anyways, so he said detox was pointless and they kept him on suboxone and gave him higher doses than he's used to and he was violently ill and then they released him 7 days later. Then he started intensive outpatient at rehab. I asked him if I could go to a meeting with him and he hesitated but then said sure whatever you want. Then a few hours later he sent me an email asking if I would accept him leaving the rehab program and seeing a therapist one on one with drug tests. He said the meetings at rehab are pointless and he sits there for hours listening to everyone else's stories. Does it sound like he's not ready to be sober and possibly not even going to rehab? I feel like I'm constantly being manipulated and I don't know what to believe anymore. He wants the kids and I to move back home and I said I'm not ready...so he threatened to harm himself and when I told him how selfish he was being he said what are you talking about I never said I was going to harm myself. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone!!!
This sounds exactly like my STBX and that can't be good. I practically forced him into a rehab. He complained constantly about how he couldn't stand listening to everyone's stories- he'd finally learned his lesson and all he wanted was to be home with me and the kids. I'd started going to Celebrate Recovery, so I told him if he would agree to go with me every Friday I would let him come home early. Well, he went- twice. Then he didn't want to listen to their stories, either. He got worse and worse, but it happened so slowly I hardly noticed. Years went by and my kids were exposed to his insanity for far too long. My cousin came to visit and I remember being excited to show her the life we'd built- because in my mind it was still a fairy tale. I knew that there was trouble under the surface, but I didn't think any one else could see the chaos. But that's all she saw, and she was terrified for us.

As codependents, we become very in tune with our addicts. We KNOW when something is wrong- it's just that we don't want to know. So we'll choose to believe their lies, despite all common sense.

My advice is, if you haven't already, to get yourself in a program and really work it. Put as much effort into your own recovery as you wish he would. Keep a journal and do not go a single day not writing in it. I've only been keeping one since our divorce started a few months ago, and it's so eye opening to see all of the madness that he injects into our lives. You may need to use it in court some day, and if not, at the very least it will help you to see some patterns.

Best of luck.
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Old 06-26-2016, 08:19 AM
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Suboxone is what is commonly used in detox. 7-10days is the average detox time, depending on what you use and your insurance. People will go into withdrawals if they take benzos (xanax) or possibly alcohol while on suboxone. It sounds like he is fighting the recovery. Threatening suicide is probably one of his old tactics to manipulate. My AS does it all the time and apparently so do a lot of addicts.
Stay strong. figure out what you want for yourself. he is an adult. You are not responsible for him. Despite how you may feel about him, you need to decide how much you're willing to take.
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Old 06-26-2016, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Sunshine1234 View Post
My husband recently got out of detox mainly for Suboxone addiction along with alcohol, and "occasional" (he states) pills such as Adderall and Xanax. Anyways, so he said detox was pointless and they kept him on suboxone and gave him higher doses than he's used to and he was violently ill and then they released him 7 days later. Then he started intensive outpatient at rehab. I asked him if I could go to a meeting with him and he hesitated but then said sure whatever you want. Then a few hours later he sent me an email asking if I would accept him leaving the rehab program and seeing a therapist one on one with drug tests. He said the meetings at rehab are pointless and he sits there for hours listening to everyone else's stories. Does it sound like he's not ready to be sober and possibly not even going to rehab? I feel like I'm constantly being manipulated and I don't know what to believe anymore. He wants the kids and I to move back home and I said I'm not ready...so he threatened to harm himself and when I told him how selfish he was being he said what are you talking about I never said I was going to harm myself. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone!!!
The twilight zone is a lot like active addiction 😞 I was told early on in this site (and Anvil mentioned it above) recovery looks like recovery, and active addiction looks like active addiction. You're smarter than you realize, and your intuition isn't lying. As we know, meetings are not pointless, even if you are sitting there listening to others' stories. There is always something to be taken away from a meeting to cling to to help further your recovery. If you're not interested in recovery though, you won't be interested in meetings and stories. Sounds like he wants to stop rehab and go to a therapist until he doesn't feel like doing that anymore either.

Everything my AH says and promises sound good in the moment, until it never comes to fruition and I'm left abandoned and hurt again. You know how that is.
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Old 06-27-2016, 11:02 AM
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You all are so right and my intuition tells me he's still using. I feel like he's drowning and trying to take me with him. Everytime I engage in conversation with him he pulls me down in the water a little more. The only time my mind feels clear is when I go no contact with him. I want out but we have kids together and I'm afraid there will never be a full "out" for me.
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Old 06-27-2016, 12:44 PM
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He is NOT in recovery. He is a manipulator and trying to control you to get what he wants. Don't believe his words...believe his actions. I know it's hard because you want to believe he is truthful. However actions speak louder than words and what he is showing you is someone who wants to take the easy way put. What a sick person to emotionally abuse you by threatening self harm. Ugh.... what a selfish ass. Sorry but I have personal experience with this manipulation. Go with your gut....it never lies.
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Old 06-27-2016, 12:55 PM
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the longer we draw out the separation/divorce, the more sticky and complicated the custody arrangements often become. meanwhile i would document his patterns, antics, and actions and scurry off to at least an intake assessment with a divorce attorney. you don't HAVE to pull that trigger, but if you do there will be a bullet in the chamber, so to speak............
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Old 06-27-2016, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by mamaof3boyz View Post
He is NOT in recovery. He is a manipulator and trying to control you to get what he wants. Don't believe his words...believe his actions. I know it's hard because you want to believe he is truthful. However actions speak louder than words and what he is showing you is someone who wants to take the easy way put. What a sick person to emotionally abuse you by threatening self harm. Ugh.... what a selfish ass. Sorry but I have personal experience with this manipulation. Go with your gut....it never lies.
I know...I told him how selfish he was being and that he would affect his kids for the rest of their lives if he did that. I'm exhausted from all of his manipulation😆
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Old 06-27-2016, 02:04 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
the longer we draw out the separation/divorce, the more sticky and complicated the custody arrangements often become. meanwhile i would document his patterns, antics, and actions and scurry off to at least an intake assessment with a divorce attorney. you don't HAVE to pull that trigger, but if you do there will be a bullet in the chamber, so to speak............
I've contacted and met with an attorney a few weeks after we separated (3 months ago) and I've put moving forward on hold because I was trying to be sympathetic to his recovery and allow him to seek out professional help before I dropped any bombs on him. As far as seeing the kids right now, he barely shows up. I was told by my attorney to not allow him to have the kids alone until he could submit to a clean hair test (which to date he hasn't even gone to submit to the test). I'm afraid that once a judge gets involved he will allow him joint custody and I'm scared for the kids to be alone with him. Right now I'm calling the shots with the kids and I know they are safe because they are always with me. So that's why I've been putting the divorce off. Although everyday I want to move forward with it because being in limbo is starting to become too much. I just want to do what's best for my kids.
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Old 06-27-2016, 04:31 PM
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I'm late in responding to this.

A very wise friend of mine once said of someone in active addiction, If their lips are moving, they're lying.

Follow your instincts. Protect yourself and your children.
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Old 06-27-2016, 05:23 PM
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Always trust your gut instincts, we may not like what it is telling us but it never lies like the addict does.

Your trying to talk to him as if he was a normal non-addict adult with feeling beyond himself, and he;s not that person.

If going no contact is what eases your stress then go no contact. Limit your interactions with him as much as you can.

Most lawyers don't charge for a consult, see if you can get appointment with one to see what your options are.
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Old 06-28-2016, 06:45 AM
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I have decided today that I am done and I am going no contact with him. I told him I was blocking his number and he can go through my mom when it's strictly about the kids. So it's done, his number is blocked and I want peace. He's been using the kids to get to me so I will see going forward if he even contacts my mom to see them. He's dropping out of rehab and says seeing a one on one therapist. As mentioned sober looks like sober and this isn't sober!
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Old 06-28-2016, 07:09 AM
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Sending tight hugs and lots of support your way!!!!
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Old 06-28-2016, 09:00 AM
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are your finances protected????

i hope NO CONTACT brings you some well-needed and way overdue PEACE, miss sunshine.
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Old 06-28-2016, 09:19 AM
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I wish you peace also, Sunshine. This is not easy. You are strong, even if you don't always feel it. Cling to the moments of peace you are sure to now encounter. Enjoy every moment with your children, and focus on the blessings.
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Old 06-28-2016, 09:39 AM
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Thank you everyone!💞
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:01 AM
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I can tell you, my AH did the very same thing. He agreed to detox and then intensive outpatient. He went for a bit and then quit, saying he'll just get therapy. He never did, he was using the whole time, even in outpatient. He continued to use and I had finally had enough and started packing his bags for him and then he grabbed a bottle of pills and threatened suicide. So I calmly told him I will call the police and 302 him then if he is going to harm himself or he could simply go back into treatment. He begged for just detox and intensive outpatient again because "he already knows what to do". I didn't cave in and now he's out of state at a 30 day inpatient. I'm trying not to be too hopeful but he seems like he's coming around.

Trust your instincts. If it doesn't seem right, it isn't. Drug tests are very easy to fool, especially if they are planned. They all think they can do it on their own and that what rehabs preach are pointless and stupid. Fact is, they can't do it on their own. Just therapy doesn't work. He is trying to manipulate you by threatening to hurt himself. Don't cave in. Hold your ground. Sending prayers and thoughts
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Old 07-01-2016, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Recovery LOOKS and SOUNDS like RECOVERY.
That, dear friends, is clarity at its best. Thanks Anvil.

Sunshine, I found, with my son, that it wasn't about what he wanted, nor was it about what I must or must not do...once I stepped away from the chaos. I didn't have to hide anything once he was out of my house and the locks were changed and an alarm system installed. I didn't have to decide if he could leave rehab or go to another one, I didn't have to drug test him because I knew if he was clean or not by his actions and behaviour...I didn't have to do anything except take very good care of myself and work my own recovery and let him choose to work his or choose not to.

What peace I found when I let go of trying to control what was never mine to control in the first place.

I pray you and your children can find the same safe peace.

Hugs
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Old 07-01-2016, 04:53 PM
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My sister-in-law is in recovery.

Even when she's on vacation she seeks out AA meetings in the area just to make sure she's on track, even if she can't pick up on what they're saying because of the regional accents (She was laughing about that afterwards).

This is a woman who would do almost ANYTHING to be in recovery and stay there.

Is your husband in that place?
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