Expanding

Healing from my codependency has been very difficult and scary. When I take away all the distractions; television, drinking, music, a relationship, social media, etc., and I stop and go within I am terrified to find emptiness. It feels lonely, deep and never-ending. What I have done the past 15 years starts to make sense – I was avoiding having to face this.

I no longer see axbf’s new relationship as a reflection of my self-worth. I no longer see his drinking as a lack of love for me. I no longer see his family’s inability to consider that maybe I am right about his drinking as a reflection of how valuable I am. These are all HIS distractions and HIS way of not having to go inside and face that emptiness. Instead of feeling angry, I now feel so, so sad for him and for me. I feel compassion because we were both doing the best we knew how. Like attracts like, we were both equally wounded but I let him have me believe that I was the problem…

I can’t imagine any other way of being, and I cry for myself and what I have lost, or rather what I never had. I really have lost and missed out on so much. My parents have lost, my family has lost, my ex has lost, his family has lost… and my heart breaks for us all. We did not get the chance to grow up in healthy homes. No home is perfect but healthy in the sense that things could be talked about, angry feelings were okay, disagreeing was okay, and talking about the truth was okay. I am scared that I will never have that

How am I going to fill this hole inside me? What if I can’t? Some people seem so full of life, and discovering I have such emptiness inside of me is so, so scary. My life up until this point was just a series of distractions. I am tired of being told “to distract myself” and to “not think of it” to get past it… that’s what I have been doing!! Why does this seem like a topic that not everyone is going to understand? I want to reach out but the advice falls flat and even annoys me. Distracting myself from the fact that I was distracting myself does not feel like the answer…

Maybe it’s depression? Nothing seems very interesting to me right now. I think it may have something to do with who I am surrounded by. Like maybe I would be interested in doings things if the company was different…

Did anyone else feel this way when healing from codependency? It’s like I am “nothing” outside of focusing on or helping someone else. At the end of the relationship I felt so useless. Add the feelings of emptiness and I am scared there may be something really wrong with me. This is most certainly a result of my childhood, but I am learning this may also be projection – that he projected his feelings of emptiness onto me (I had my own but now it’s compounded), but how do I know who is who? How do I know if this is really how I feel or how I now feel after years of projection and “conditioning”?

How could I have gotten to 30 years of age and not know who I am? Even axbf seemed to have hobbies and things he enjoyed doing… how could I have missed the boat so badly on this? I really am so scared that anything I try to “fill” myself with will get lost in the emptiness inside me, like it’s a black hole and anything I try to put into it will just disappear and I will spend my days trying endlessly to fill what cannot be filled.

I realize how dark this sounds but I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t want to go on anti-depressants. I am tired of running away from this. I have done that all my life. I am so sick of running, I just want to BE, but when I am still I feel the emptiness…

I am hoping that someone can relate and let me know that this is part of the process. That I will start to fill myself and that it will STICK and not disappear like I fear. I can’t say that I have honestly started trying to fill the emptiness due to the fear of it disappearing…

I want happiness; I want to build meaningful relationships that are truly connected. Most relationships in my life feel superficial. I spent all these years pretending, acting, putting on a show, focusing OUTWARDLY. I am so ready for something REAL. That was the nail in the coffin for us. I want more. I had to give it to myself and he had to give it to himself. Maybe this is how it starts. You have to realize that you have some holes inside yourself before you can start to fill them. You have to really acknowledge and feel them to know they are there.

dandylion

Espanding.....I learned, somewhere.....can't remember where...that the essential difference between the feeling of depression or grief is this:
Grief---intensely painful feelings.....(emphasis on feeling)..
Depression---painful absence of feeling... (emphasis on absence)....

I think you may be on to something to wonder if you aren't depressed to some degree....
One can be depressed while grieving, also......

Why are you so against anti-depressants?
they can be very helpful for some people when prescribed by an experienced professional (a psychiatrist--since they are medical doctors).....

dandylion

Expanding

I don't want to numb my feelings or take away one substance and then add another. I think I have been running from these feelings for a long, long time, since I was a kid. I heard codependents suffer from a lack of self-love. Perhaps it's the absence of self-love I am feeling. I went to a party for a friend yesterday and seeing how much her friends and family love her made me feel so sad for myself (self-centered I know). Why couldn't I have that? Staying in denial would have been so much easier but I have not regretted anything difficult I have done. I greatly underestimated just how hard this would be. I am having a recall of having come out of denial before, but sinking back into it and being able to justify it away. I am so far beyond that now I couldn't justify it even if I wanted to.

dandylion

Expanding.....I m not suggesting anything. However, I think you might not understand, fully, how anti-depressants work. And, of the highly varied types that there are. There is a lot of literature on neurotransmitters, these days, that you might enjoy reading....

I am not suggesting that you take anything, one way, or another....

Lol...I am speaking to biology....and, You, I believe, are speaking to psychodynamics....
Both exist, simultaneously, as there is no separation of mind and body.
and, they are quite interdependent.

Please understand that I am just entering into discussion on these topics. Seeking to share or inform......I am not pushing any kind of agenda....
Just want to be helpful, where possible....

dandylion

honeypig

Expanding, this is the first thing I latched onto in your post. I came to realize this about XAH and myself also. At first it made me terribly sad for both of us. Then I gradually began to feel compassion and understanding for both of us. Eventually, I hope to grow that compassion and understanding to include an ever-widening circle of family, friends, co-workers and so on. It was a gateway for me; I pass back and forth thru it but am doing my best to stay on the right side as much as possible.

You are not alone. You are not the first one here who has come out of an unhealthy relationship, looked around and said "who AM I, if not this person?" A lot of us here, myself included, have found that we can't even answer simple questions about what we like and don't like b/c we've just never stopped to think about it. Making decisions about how to spend a day or even what to make for dinner are overwhelming--OMG, you mean I have to decide that? I can't just go "what would YOU like to do?" and then tag along for the ride?

I get this. I feel frightened at times, wondering if I'll ever be able to do this. XAH was pretty much my whole world, plus a brother and a sister I'm very close to. Altho XAH and I do talk, he is my X, after all...brother moved to Canada 3 years ago, so we talk but again, it's not what it was. Sister is working all the time to get her kids thru college w/o loans, and we seldom talk, let alone spend time together. I work full-time at a job where I'm alone almost all the time. I also have a house and large yard to maintain plus my dogs. A simple lack of time keeps me from making the connections I'd like to make, and I do worry about whether I'll ever meet people and form those connections.

I am doing whatever I can manage, though--recently started attending a church, volunteered a little bit there. I have a monthly spinning group (spinning yarn, not exercise) and a weekly knitting group that I go to. I've started to be more friendly w/the one neighbor I have. I know it will take time to make friends, and more time to make good friends. I'm hoping that my good intentions and best efforts will be enough to move me along to where I should be...

Just to address the issue of anti-depressants--I'm not knowledgeable about this issue, but speaking from what I've read here and there, I'd say they are like so many other medical options, being tremendously helpful for some and useless for others. I think that what dandy is talking about is that at least some anti-depressants work by correcting an imbalance in certain brain chemicals to allow things to function normally, rather than being just a cover-up for the problem.

I think it's generally accepted that therapy plus anti-depressants is more effective than the drugs alone. Again, I don't have direct experience, but it seems to me that the combo of meds/therapy might be kind of like our combo here of getting away from the A/working on yourself. The first action provides some space and clarity while the second addresses the root of the problems.

With all that said, if you do your research and then decide to give the meds a try, you are certainly not committed to remaining on them forever.

In fact, while the idea of XAH and I not being forever was awful, terrifying, and painful beyond belief, the idea of other decisions and situations not being forever is incredibly freeing--I can try something and if I don't like it, I can change it. What a double-edged sword that concept of "not forever" is!

Expanding, I think you've done an astounding amount of growing and looking within in a very, very short time. Changes take time and time takes time. I don't know if people are really telling you to "distract yourself from distracting yourself" or if they're just telling you to try to let life unfold naturally rather than forcing it. It's common for us on here to want to work harder and get it done, get all better faster. I certainly felt that way. And I learned it doesn't work that way. Growth and change really are a process, and they do take time.

Hugs, Expanding--you're going to make it. Take care of yourself, and try to loosen your grip a tiny bit each day. Life will carry you (said as much to myself as to you...).

LexieCat

I forget, are you going to Al-Anon? The Steps are designed to help you feel that "hole in the soul" that alcoholics and loved ones were trying to fill with alcohol, or with the relationship with the alcoholic.

Just something to consider.

I don't have any experience with antidepressants, so I won't offer any opinions on that. This is still relatively early on for you, though, and I think feelings of depression are pretty normal at this stage. When it's purely situational (as opposed to a biochemical imbalance), depression is usually temporary and lifts as you work through the grief and loss.

If you EVER have any concerns about harming yourself, though, don't hesitate to call a professional or a hotline.

Expanding

I am making an appointment on Tuesday to at least talk about the options for medication. I might need some extra help because all these thoughts and realizations are making me question everything.

So many changes all at once and it is wearing me out mentally and emotionally. I usually just don't have the energy to try and make new friends or to do new things. I am naturally an introvert as it is so I like to spend lots of time alone even when I feel fine.

All these things were bubbling under the surface for a long time waiting to come out. I still can't seem to stop it. I started to feel like something was wrong three years ago so what is coming out has been building up over all that time. It was like my subconscious went to work in the background and now that my unconscious wounds are conscious it's turning in a major project for a final grade.

LexieCat

I think going to see a professional is a GREAT idea. Therapy, too, can be very helpful--often stuff like cognitive behavioral therapy can help you to see things in a more realistic, less self-blaming, kind of way.

LeeJane

I take anti-depressants. My doctor explained to me that my body doesn't make a particular chemical it needs. Doctor compared it to a diabetic who needs insulin. Or an anemic person who needs to take iron tablets.

They dont make you numb. Quite the opposite, they allow your emotions to work again. They take numbness away.

I wanted to share my experience with you. I have found them a useful tool.

Bluehawaii

I can understand completely the distraction thing as I had done this for years to cope.
A lot of us do when we diet gain weight diet it distracts us from our real pain.
I feel antidepressant s do as well. If your not suicidal in my humble opinion feel your pain.Go with it as that pain is what God wired in us To motivate us to change.
If you draw near to HIM he will fill your emptiness.Get a great counsellor /friend and be real like you are here. Speak the truth love yourself even when flawed and one step at a time you will make a better life for yourself. Do something you love everyday.It could be as simple as listening to wholesome music.
Eat healthy go for a walk take some vitamins to get your serotonin up and heal.

redatlanta

I think being able to identify all of this is very, very good for you. Some people cannot.

As a former long time collector of problem people I get every word you have written. Not only were my relationships rife with drama, but my friendships were as well (many not all). I was the "fixer". Everyone came to me with their problems. I enjoyed helping them see the light although truthfully few took the advice and actually used it. It also made me feel superior to others. It made me feel far more mature and intelligent than to get sucked into "their" rabbit hole. I was too good for that!

Being a fixer is an occupation. When the "fix" ends either by solving the problem (rare), or the person moving on it is a very empty feeling. Adding in the emotional component of being romantically involved is a double whammy.

I encourage you to focus on fixing you. That's what lacking in all of us codies. For me creative outlets, and personal work on my codependent ways worked on filling my hole (al anon). It sounds simplistic, but its very effective. The hole you feel is real. You gotta fill it with something - a person with problems is not the answer, its just another distraction. I agree with BlueHawaii that anti-depressants have their place, though often times IMO they are given haphazardly. A break up like this is painful and takes time to heal. Its good you are going to a doctor I am sure you will be able to weigh the pro's and con's and decide if they are appropriate for your circumstance.

My journey began with my last relationship break up which was torture. No sleep. Terrible insomnia. Constantly tired. An emotional basket case. Instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling replaying the whole painful experience from great (when we met) to utter sh!t (when we separated) I started painting my house late at night when I couldn't sleep. It helped immensely to keep my thoughts off never ending reel of "what went wrong". There was pleasure for me in seeing accomplishment, doing something for ME, finishing a project. I also started working on my health at that time. I was carrying 20 extra lb. from eating my way through the break up. I started eating well, and exercising. I hate exercise still to this day. I enjoy a walk, but the "real" exercise LOL not so much. Even as I sit here I have my running shoes on, and planned to run a little earlier on the beach before it gets too hot. Now I am an hour and a half later coffee, news and internet. I will do it after this response. I hate it, but I love the way I feel after. That's what keeps me going, plus the benefit to my body.

You will get better - promise. You will get much better, much faster if you work on making YOUR world a better place to be.

oldsoul112249

It sounds like normal grieving a loss to me. Can you allow yourself to feel something in the numbness and cry? I'm going through the end of a relationship. I think the numbness could also be like a shock/denial when the body feels nothing for a time. I'm not not putting a band aid on it. I want to move through it. I'm thinking about watching a sad movie to help it along. You will heal, it takes time.