mrhodes01

Howdy all. I've got 21 days under my belt, but I'm filled with self-hatred and rage. I've hit a strange bottom here; I hate myself for screwing up my career in the short term with a bad decision brought on by drinking/lack of sleep, and I can't forget about it. My drinking that got me here was bad, but nowhere near the worst I've been. I think the main difference is that in the past when I've screwed up, I've had nothing to lose so I could shake it off. But now I've built a good life for myself with a great job, and I should have a better one now. My plan was working perfectly, except I got comfortable and started drinking again. Now I refuse to accept that I'm back in the same damn place I was before, getting ready to talk to an intake counselor about my treatment options.

This relapse has really shaken me, to the point I feel as if I can't recover. I know I've been down much worse in my days from booze, but this takes the cake even though I know it's not that bad in the grand scheme of things. My brain has just said "no mas" and refuses to deal with the reality of my situation. I'm unable to concentrate on anything, and I know it's only a matter of time before that boredom and anxiety leads to worse.

Any advice on how to get through this kind of "minor" relapse would be appreciated. I'm fine when I keep myself busy, so I just try to exercise and read and do errands all day. But when I get ready to relax and hit the hay, my mind just goes haywire. I just dread living right now, and I need to forget. But I know that will make it worse. I guess I'll be starting an outpatient program, but I'm dreading that as well, and I've got a history of not finishing these things. Nothing but negative thoughts.

Another semi-therapeutic babblefest from your pal Matty... :cursebunn

Dan

You know this, but I'll say it anyway...
Name it, claim it and deal with it. I know, another one of those freakin' slogans...
But it's true Matt.
Once we own the consequences of our behaviors and really accept them, we can start looking forward. It's yesterday's news now. I hate these cliches, but again, it's the truth. Try and find something you still have that you can be grateful for.
It sounds like you're doing well otherwise, so dig in, and own this stuff, and then, let it go. It wasn't until I was able to start letting go of the past, and the what might have been things in my life, that I was able to start recovering and focus on my life in the present.
Semi-therapeutic babblefest...
As long as it works, it's all good yeah?

DesertEyes

You don't have to accept it, just act as if you do accept it.

Sounds to me like you're just looking for an excuse to get drunk again.

I think you have the solution right there in that statement. It was _your_ plan. It's your best thinking that turned you into a hopeless alcoholic in the first place, and that got you in the relapse you are in today.

Instead of using _your_ plans, try using the plan of Alcoholics Anonymous. How many meetings do you go to? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have commitments at meetings? Do you share with those that are newer than you?

Exercise doesn't keep you sober. Errands don't keep you sober. You say you are fine when you keep busy, well then keep busy with the _program of recovery_.

Don't excercise. Instead go to a meeting and find another alcoholic who has less time than you (yeah, less than 21 days) and take him along excercising with you.

Don't do errands. Go to a meeting and find another alcoholic who is house-bound from age or illness, and go do errands for _both_ of you.

When you're done with that call up your sponsor, and when you're done with that call up all the newcomers in town, and when you're done with that start all over again.

It's not the _drink_ that's going to kill you, it's the _thinking_ that will kill you. So stop giving yourself time to think and fill your entire day from one end to the other with _action_ in the program. That way you won't have _time_ to think, never mind drink.

Mike :-)

Dan

Huh?

Ann25

Listen to me-- I have relapsed more times then I care to think about! This recent one really put me in a bad place but I know what I gotta do--dust myself off and get back in the game. Im working my program differently now. Other then keeping in close contact with my sponsor-I am widening my support network! Picking up that 100lb phone! Even when I really dont feel like talking-I do it!! Cuz thats when I need too! I go to a meeting everyday!!! And I am also starting an outpatient program next week. Im doing all this because what I was doing didnt work! If you are truely serious about staying clean you will start and FINISH that out-patient program. Get a sponsor. Go to meetings. Build a network. And most of all--no matter what--DONT PICK UP!!!
What also is helping me is getting some spirituality in my life. It is making a difference. Im feeling a little better everyday. Dont get me wrong--my problems are still there--Im trying to get some inner peace. That anger you have will get you high!!! Along with fear,self-pitty, depression, ect... Let it go... I know easier said then done--but make the effort. What do you got to lose?
Hang in there! And remember.. We only have today!

cj.

mrhodes01:

First of all, I don't believe any relapse is 'minor'! Good Lord Man, we take the choice of life or death out of our own hands and place its care to a disease that wants nothing more than to see us in our grave! That's not 'minor'.

If you are a true addict/alcoholic it never gets better, no matter how much we try to change our using skills. It will ultimately continue to get worse.

Second of all, please - please - please don't be so hard on yourself! Because, no matter how you feel right now, if you don't take that first drink, you can recover!

Lastly, congratulations on 21 days and take it a day at a time!

cj

Suomi Poika

Matty,

As they say, "been there, done that!"

Outpatient is good. It worked for me, its worked for some real good friends. As Ann25 said, "I have relapsed more times then I care to think about!" Well, I have too.

But since I did the outpatient thing over three years ago, I came to many realizations. Each relapse has been further and further apart, and generally rather minimal. But, with each one, the resolve becomes far greater than ever before.

I'm there now. I last relapsed about five or six weeks ago for four days. Thankfully, I was on vacation, by myself, a long ways from everywhere. No real harm, but a lot of good, and a stronger will than ever. That is why I'm here.

I don't count the days between relapses. But, I know I've been sober almost 99% of the time for well over a thousand days.

I can only amplify what the others already said. To make it, you've got to build a support network, and you've got to keep busy -- very busy. Find friends who are going through it, and who've been through it.

When you can't be busy or with friends, start reading all the old posts here. There is a tremendous amount of good advice and experience that you can learn from.

Good luck with outpatient,

Toivo

DesertEyes

"Act as if."

An old AA one-liner much in use around here. It works like this:

- If you can't accept the belief that alcoholism is a disease, act as if you did believe it's a disease. That way you'll take the _action_ necessary to deal with the disease.

- If you can't accept the belief that your life is unmanagable, act as if you did believe your life is unmanageable. That way you'll take the _action_ necessary to deal with the disease.

- For any belief that prevents you from taking the actions necesary to deal with the disease, take the actions _anyway_, as if you did believe.

The point is, only by taking the correct actions can we get sober. If our own minds prevent us from taking those correct actions (because our minds are diseased) then we must ignore our own minds and do what's good for us in spite of our own minds.

With a little time, the fog of the disease will clear and you will be able to see clearly what alcoholism hid from you.

Mike :-)

Kim

This post hits home with me. I relapsed as well recently and screwed up an opportunity to really accomplish something in my life. In June, I started 60 days of sobriety. I gradually went back to a beer here, a beer there...you know the drill. That lead to a bottle of wine here, a bottle of wine there. In the meantime, I was looking forward to doing my motorcycle training course last weekend. I got through Friday night's class. I got through Saturday's range exercises although at the end of the day I was frustrated and crying....I go home and grab a glass to relax and of course that leads to a bottle of wine. I woke up the next morning for Sunday's class very tired, headache, depressed, etc. etc. I didn't want to go. I did finally get up and drive out to the range. I met up with my two friends that were there. I sat in the car and just thought to myself "I can't do this". There's more to it than just the drinking...but that certainly put the finishing touch on my attitude. On my way home I actually went looking for a meeting. Didn't find one. Spent the day depressed and feeling sorry for myself. So as I write this I'm drinking....after having a debate with my alcoholic and non-alcoholic selves whether or not I should stop at the store on my way home from work. Guess who won?

So yes, we will find any excuse to have a drink. Heck, we don't need an excuse, we just do it. We do it because our alcoholic self says we need it.

So will I fullfil my goal of riding a motorcycle alongside my husband instead of behind him? Not if I stay on this course....

Ann25

Knowing there is a problem is half the battle. You know what you want--so what are you gonna do about it? Sitting in your sh*t is NOT the answer!!!
Believe me. Thats the easy way out! "Poor me" attitudes are not going to make the situation better. I did that before and I can say that for me--the hopelessness just kept getting me high! Take responsibility, accept that you have a disease, and move on. People told me that for a long time. Until I came to understand that I can only change myself--then there was only one place to go! FORWARD!!!
Chin-up! Do what you gotta do!!

mrhodes01

Thanks, guys. That's what has me so worried here--I'm usually the guy telling everyone to suck it up and get on with it. This relapse and its consequences have just devastated me and left me a shell of my former self, like no other time before. I don't believe I'm helpless and I don't buy most AA stuff or the disease theory (not to be rude, I just don't believe my only two choices in life are to drink every day or go to AA every day; neither is appealing to me), but I know I need a support system of some sort. I can and will get through this, but I have such serious depression that it's getting in the way of my recovery. I'm quite aware that I'm being a baby right now, and that adds more guilt and shame to the fire. I have to break this cycle and get on with it, because I know for a fact that if I ever drink again that it will be much, much worse.

Dan

You might be getting a taste of post acute withdrawal here Matt. There's several good articles in the resources section here somewhere.
Also, symptoms of depression need to be addressed properly with your physician.
For me, there was almost no surer way to relapse than ignoring depression.

if I ever drink again that it will be much, much worse.
You know it. I know it. It won't be any different.

Sandy Marie

Hi There,
I understand how you're feeling. If you're not up for AA meetings yet, have you tried reading personal growth books? There's a lot of good ones out there addressing your issues and they might jog something inside of you that might help. Some of them may seem quacky, but if you browse awhile, you might find one that suits you.
I wish you could find a good support group. We're all forgiving here, but you may need counseling or group support where you can work on the depression and the alcoholism.
That's a lot to handle at one time for one person. Hope you find the answers soon.
Prayers, Sandy

mrhodes01

I'm seeing a counselor and starting a group tonight. Will probably check out LifeRing meetings. I need to be humbled--I'm one of those guys who thinks he's too smart to benefit from therapy. It's funny, my supreme ego has completely evaporated over the past few weeks. It's good that this will teach me I'm not invincible and I need to keep things in perspective, but what's frustrating is that I already knew that before I screwed everything up but did it anyway. That's why it's so hard to forgive myself. The couldashouldawoulda beast is looming large in my mind.

Sandy Marie

Yeah...but don't be too hard on yourself. You've been smothered by the almighty drug and it's going to take some time to re-learn how to breathe in the clean air. You didn't get this way overnight, so be patient with yourself. Trying to get somewhere in a hurry with this will only cause additional frustration. Best to go in with an open mind and let it all heal slowly. And I don't think you've really screwed up anything. If you're like me, you never had it to begin with. Therapy will open your eyes to the fact that you're thinking has been wrong all along. You'll learn to forgive yourself over time and come to realize you just needed someone else to open your eyes and show you that the solution is truly inside of you.
Let us know how your group goes. Maybe you can teach us something new.

Prayers, Sandy

2dayzmuse

(((Matt)))

All things within time.

Suomi Poika

Matt,

There are many choices. You just have to find one that will work for you.

I faced many of the same feelings when I first started to quit. I tried three different AA groups, and it just wasn't for me. A counselor told me that sometimes it takes trying seven or eight before I would feel comfortable.

To make a long story short, I found an excellent 12 week outpatient program run by a hospital. It was not a 12-step program. I didn't even have to quit if I didn't want to. I went on my own, but the courts sent about half the other members. We had to be sober for the sessions -- they checked us at the door.

It was a learning program. We learned more about ourselves -- and our relatives -- than we probably wanted to know. We were forced to be brutally honest with ourselves. Many who were there were really angry and knew it wouldn't work for them. Many who stuck it out were surprised.

We learned a lot of invaluable tools that are applicable to so many other aspects of our lives.

And because our program was run by a hospital, by trained medical personnel, they provided access to doctors who knew how to deal with substance abuse and its many factors, including the associated depression so common with many of the people in these programs.

It takes a lot of thumps for most of us to come to some very basic realizations. It took me a long long time to realize that I could never have another drink without very serious consequences. In the back of my mind, I knew it was true, but it took a long time for it to migrate to the front of my mind. When it finally did, it was like coming out of a dark dank cave into a bright and happy place.

Good Luck, and don't give up. Keep us posted with your progress.

Toivo

usteptoo

Last time I went out an old timer told me this. "OK you screwed up. There is only two things you can do about it. One, sit on your but and feel sorry for yourself, or get up off your butt, get to a meeting and do what you know works!" At first it pissed me off,
Now I thank him when I see him.

glennm

mrhodes01

I saw a counselor and nurse yesterday, and then went to one group session. I felt terrible in the group as I realized my problems were nonexistent compared to others'. It made me feel terrible and guilty and I had to get out of there; I left before the second group and almost bought booze on the way home. Luckily, my girlfriend was home, so I knew I'd have to drink outside and get a room or something, which seemed like a pain in the ass.

I'm supposed to see another psychiatrist today, as my depression seems to be getting worse. I did get my first full night's sleep last night in about three weeks. I feel better physically, but with my mind fully awake I'm just beating myself up more and more. It's just a roller coaster. One minute I hate myself and I'm ready to jump in the bay, the next minute it seems like no big deal, I'm confident that things will soon be better, and everything will be back to "normal." It takes all my energy to control my thoughts. I dread having to go do everything after work: psychiatrists, counselors, groups, etc. It's all so overwhelming right now, as all I want to do is sleep and forget about my stupid decisions.

My work is slow, so it's painful for me to sit here where I screwed everything up, with my colleagues who now think I'm a wishy-washy flake. Hence these rambling missives to all of you in cyber-recovery-space. I hope I can make it through everything tonight. Last night my skin was literally crawling. I don't know why, I just hate recovery stuff. I know most people think that way at the beginning, but I've stuck with it before and never came around. I'm doing my best to fake it, but I worry that if I can't get into it at least marginally that I'll continue to screw up my life.

Dan

The sooner you quit comparing your problems to others, the sooner you'll be able to look at them objectively and honestly.
It's that simple Matt.
It's a process, this acceptance gig. And it can appear slow at times.
But you made yesterday sober.
Little steps at first.
Glad you slept.