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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: CDA, ID
Posts: 1
New Here
I don't know where to begin.
I've never been much of a drinker. A year ago, I started going out socially to go dancing, and subsequently began drinking. Little bits at first, until I realized, I really like drinking. A LOT. I'm not an everyday drinker, but on the weekends and/or around others who drink I get sloshed. I didn't realize how much so until recently.
My husband has told me for months and months that I had a problem with drinking. I didn't believe him. I thought....I only drink on the weekends. It doesn't effect my ability to be productive. I'm FINE. Well going out one night a week turned into two....which turned into finding more excuses to go out. I told myself I just want to see friends, but the truth is I wanted an excuse to drink. I have a group of friends that give me an excuse to drink and I allowed myself to do it. Consistently.
As I'm sure you can imagine, I some how had the realization that I drink too much. That was two nights ago. I went out and meant some friends after a night playing trivia. He was tired....so I went out. He encouraged me to stay home....as usual I didn't listen. Went out for two hours. Had drinks. Rear ended someone on the way home. When I spoke the state patrol, I honestly didn't even think I was drunk. I blew a .175. Or I told myself that anyway. Denial, I suppose. I've been denying a lot for the last year. As I sat in the back of the patrol car, I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell did I just do?" I could have killed someone...or myself. Thankfully, no one was injured from the accident, but the thought that I could have just murdered someone with my car is so engrained in my mind....along with the image of thinking I was fine and slamming into the back of another car. I was knocked unconscious for several minutes. I awoke to EMS...and all I could think was...what did I just do.....so I could drink?
And now comes the even better part. You would think that...that was enough to jar someone into not wanting to drink and in some ways I don't. However, I obviously feel terrible for the all the **** I have caused strangers, my husband, and my family. Yet, all I can think about is....man.....vodka sure would make me feel better right now. Since I got up this morning....that's all I've thought about and I have no idea what to do. My husband isn't speaking to me....which I don't blame him for and most of my friends are alcoholics, right now. So it's like...who do I talk to. I feel like an idiot. So that's where I'm at. I'm terrified. I can't believe that I've done this and I'm having a hard time looking myself in the mirror right now, which is just compounding my desire to go slam some vodka.
I've never been much of a drinker. A year ago, I started going out socially to go dancing, and subsequently began drinking. Little bits at first, until I realized, I really like drinking. A LOT. I'm not an everyday drinker, but on the weekends and/or around others who drink I get sloshed. I didn't realize how much so until recently.
My husband has told me for months and months that I had a problem with drinking. I didn't believe him. I thought....I only drink on the weekends. It doesn't effect my ability to be productive. I'm FINE. Well going out one night a week turned into two....which turned into finding more excuses to go out. I told myself I just want to see friends, but the truth is I wanted an excuse to drink. I have a group of friends that give me an excuse to drink and I allowed myself to do it. Consistently.
As I'm sure you can imagine, I some how had the realization that I drink too much. That was two nights ago. I went out and meant some friends after a night playing trivia. He was tired....so I went out. He encouraged me to stay home....as usual I didn't listen. Went out for two hours. Had drinks. Rear ended someone on the way home. When I spoke the state patrol, I honestly didn't even think I was drunk. I blew a .175. Or I told myself that anyway. Denial, I suppose. I've been denying a lot for the last year. As I sat in the back of the patrol car, I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell did I just do?" I could have killed someone...or myself. Thankfully, no one was injured from the accident, but the thought that I could have just murdered someone with my car is so engrained in my mind....along with the image of thinking I was fine and slamming into the back of another car. I was knocked unconscious for several minutes. I awoke to EMS...and all I could think was...what did I just do.....so I could drink?
And now comes the even better part. You would think that...that was enough to jar someone into not wanting to drink and in some ways I don't. However, I obviously feel terrible for the all the **** I have caused strangers, my husband, and my family. Yet, all I can think about is....man.....vodka sure would make me feel better right now. Since I got up this morning....that's all I've thought about and I have no idea what to do. My husband isn't speaking to me....which I don't blame him for and most of my friends are alcoholics, right now. So it's like...who do I talk to. I feel like an idiot. So that's where I'm at. I'm terrified. I can't believe that I've done this and I'm having a hard time looking myself in the mirror right now, which is just compounding my desire to go slam some vodka.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
You've got to start improving your life somewhere and the best place to start would be to get sober. Drinking won't make anything better and actually will make things worse. 
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It takes some effort and changes but is well worth it. 
You've got to start improving your life somewhere and the best place to start would be to get sober. Drinking won't make anything better and actually will make things worse. 
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. It takes some effort and changes but is well worth it. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
You are at a fork in the road, one way will lead you to complete destruction, the other will lead you to true freedom. A wholesale lifestyle change may be necessary to achieve the freedom. But don't worry, you are not alone, and many of have done it before you, and many will do it after. Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I got a DUI and blew similar to your level. I was so upset with myself and stressed that I started drinking the minute I got home after a night in jail. And then I drank for the next 10 years and lost everything. Job, condo, car, relationships etc.
Heed the warning signs and get help now. You will save yourself a lot of future suffering.
Heed the warning signs and get help now. You will save yourself a lot of future suffering.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi and welcome,
Totally relate to liking to drink.
But, part of the.... like.... is addiction.
You are addicted to booze.
It takes about a month clean for the anxiety to ramp up...really show through...
The thoughts of drinking...vodka would be good right now...i could use a cold one...is the addiction.
It is a physical and mental addiction. Try not to look at it like a mystery. It is all science.
Alcohol is a drug, just like cocain or cigarettes.
Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
Totally relate to liking to drink.
But, part of the.... like.... is addiction.
You are addicted to booze.
It takes about a month clean for the anxiety to ramp up...really show through...
The thoughts of drinking...vodka would be good right now...i could use a cold one...is the addiction.
It is a physical and mental addiction. Try not to look at it like a mystery. It is all science.
Alcohol is a drug, just like cocain or cigarettes.
Get clean. Change your life a bit. Stay clean.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 411
Welcome Andrea. It definitely sounds like you have an alcoholic mindset, that many of us can relate to. I used alcohol to cope with....well, almost everything. That strategy never ends well, as anyone on this forum can tell you. Hope you stick around, and get sober
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome Andrea
I'm glad you're ok and no-one was hurt. You can build from this
This is a place of great support - I didn't think I could last a day sober but posting here daily really helped me turn my life around. I just know we can help you too.
we're not bad people just people who've done dumb things...but then turned it around
D
I'm glad you're ok and no-one was hurt. You can build from this
This is a place of great support - I didn't think I could last a day sober but posting here daily really helped me turn my life around. I just know we can help you too.
we're not bad people just people who've done dumb things...but then turned it around
D
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