The wife gave me an ultimatum 3 months ago...
The wife gave me an ultimatum 3 months ago...
A little over three months ago, my wife gave me an ultimatum. I had to get sober or she was leaving and taking the kids.
What did I do? Well, I got sober alright. 94 days and counting!
But, I have filed for divorce. Why? I was struggling with the battle of my life. This addiction, this disease. I held things together, but man, oh man I struggled to string together more than a couple of days of sobriety.
And what does she do? Threatens to leave me and withhold access to my kids.
Up until then we had a happyish marriage, beautiful kids. But I struggled. I treated her well. I was (still am) a good dad.
At least I'm sober. At least I have no desire to drink.
What did I do? Well, I got sober alright. 94 days and counting!
But, I have filed for divorce. Why? I was struggling with the battle of my life. This addiction, this disease. I held things together, but man, oh man I struggled to string together more than a couple of days of sobriety.
And what does she do? Threatens to leave me and withhold access to my kids.
Up until then we had a happyish marriage, beautiful kids. But I struggled. I treated her well. I was (still am) a good dad.
At least I'm sober. At least I have no desire to drink.
Glad you are sober but do consider that your wife perhaps felt she had
to protect your children from growing up in a home with active alcoholism--
I think when we are drinking we get so focused on ourselves and our battles
we forget that kids suffer terribly--please try to keep that perspective
at least a little and maybe it will make her actions less hurtful to you.
I wish you and your family the best.
to protect your children from growing up in a home with active alcoholism--
I think when we are drinking we get so focused on ourselves and our battles
we forget that kids suffer terribly--please try to keep that perspective
at least a little and maybe it will make her actions less hurtful to you.
I wish you and your family the best.
We screw people up. It's what we do. Wife, kids, parents, etc... Living with us is pure hell. No one deserves to have to put up with an alcoholic.
When I was 2 months sober I was dead set on a divorce. Heck, I was dead set on one before my first sober day. She was crazy and everything was her fault (or so my screwed up thinking told me). Poor poor me. I didn't pull the trigger. I had a lot of friends in AA tell me to just worry about myself and my sobriety for a while. Reluctantly I stayed. Over time I realized just how screwed up my head was and what I had put my family through. Alcohol had done a number on me and it took a good year to really clear up. That was almost 2 years ago. Our relationship today is stronger and better than it has ever been. It took a lot of hard work. It took a lot of time for her to realize I would and could change and for my mind to clear. Trust had to be regained. It wasn't easy at all but it was worth it.
I am grateful today that I did not pull the trigger on divorce. My mind wasn't in the right place at all for me to do it then. I think if I had gone through with it I would be regretting it today.
When I was 2 months sober I was dead set on a divorce. Heck, I was dead set on one before my first sober day. She was crazy and everything was her fault (or so my screwed up thinking told me). Poor poor me. I didn't pull the trigger. I had a lot of friends in AA tell me to just worry about myself and my sobriety for a while. Reluctantly I stayed. Over time I realized just how screwed up my head was and what I had put my family through. Alcohol had done a number on me and it took a good year to really clear up. That was almost 2 years ago. Our relationship today is stronger and better than it has ever been. It took a lot of hard work. It took a lot of time for her to realize I would and could change and for my mind to clear. Trust had to be regained. It wasn't easy at all but it was worth it.
I am grateful today that I did not pull the trigger on divorce. My mind wasn't in the right place at all for me to do it then. I think if I had gone through with it I would be regretting it today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
Hah dude you sound like a good man, and you got you a good woman, and with all them babies I think maybe she like you.
Now, nobody seems to have told people that they should NEVER, EVER tell us drinkers what we should do about our drinking. We gotta come to our own conclusions. Barleycorn is an important man.
But here, play a little game with the woman: sit at the kitchen table and pretend you been divorced now, separated oh for about a year, and she's taken up with a new guy. Now cover your eyes, (let the kids do this), and while they're covered, get her to write down a list of all her complaints why this guy's drinking worries and disturbs her, maybe unnecessarily, but tell her just to be straight up about it.
Then, open your eyes but cover up your mouth instead for two minutes, and let the kids read you that list, and you just remain silent, and ask yourself, inside in your heart, deep, to your inner man, ask if you really want that fool around your kids.
Maybe have some Keb Mo playing in the background...
see how it goes?
Now, nobody seems to have told people that they should NEVER, EVER tell us drinkers what we should do about our drinking. We gotta come to our own conclusions. Barleycorn is an important man.
But here, play a little game with the woman: sit at the kitchen table and pretend you been divorced now, separated oh for about a year, and she's taken up with a new guy. Now cover your eyes, (let the kids do this), and while they're covered, get her to write down a list of all her complaints why this guy's drinking worries and disturbs her, maybe unnecessarily, but tell her just to be straight up about it.
Then, open your eyes but cover up your mouth instead for two minutes, and let the kids read you that list, and you just remain silent, and ask yourself, inside in your heart, deep, to your inner man, ask if you really want that fool around your kids.
Maybe have some Keb Mo playing in the background...
see how it goes?
I think it's great you're sober. However as a recovering alcoholic I don't blame your wife at all for wanting more for herself and your children. The things I put my kids through are unspeakable to me. Yes you were struggling. We all do. Until you accept what you may have put her through you won't truly heal. Best wishes.
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
You have gotten some good advice here, don't rush into a divorce. I bet the ultimatum was to try and push you into sobriety.
It seems that you believe that ruined your marriage. Have you even sought out couples counseling?
I will give you some advice that was given to me before my divorce ... have you tried to look at things from her point of view?
I did get divorced BUT, it was because of a majorly different reason.
It's not always good to make life changing decisions in early recovery.
It seems that you believe that ruined your marriage. Have you even sought out couples counseling?
I will give you some advice that was given to me before my divorce ... have you tried to look at things from her point of view?
I did get divorced BUT, it was because of a majorly different reason.
It's not always good to make life changing decisions in early recovery.
Ok, I get it now. You're upset that she gave you the ultimatum.
You're lucky you got one. My husband filed for divorce, got temporary custody of our son and I found out about it after the fact.
Do you really only want to see your kids once a week and every other weekend -- if that? You want them being raised by a new stepdad? Really? Divorce sounds like the answer in theory, but trust me: it's not.
Your wife had good reason to give you an ultimatum and threaten to take the kids. She's protecting them and herself. I WISH my husband would've given me a second chance when I got sober.
How about you apologize to your wife and thank her for putting up with your drinking all of these years. Not trying to sound harsh but if you look at it from her point of view, she probably endured a lot.
You're lucky you got one. My husband filed for divorce, got temporary custody of our son and I found out about it after the fact.
Do you really only want to see your kids once a week and every other weekend -- if that? You want them being raised by a new stepdad? Really? Divorce sounds like the answer in theory, but trust me: it's not.
Your wife had good reason to give you an ultimatum and threaten to take the kids. She's protecting them and herself. I WISH my husband would've given me a second chance when I got sober.
How about you apologize to your wife and thank her for putting up with your drinking all of these years. Not trying to sound harsh but if you look at it from her point of view, she probably endured a lot.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Work at it my friend - work with everything you've got - she obviously truly cares for you and your children or there would have been no ultimatum.
I most definitely recommend couples counselling- it has helped us massively, still working at it but it's so worth the effort - I've not just got my wife back after years of bitterness pretty much all down to me and my drunken / drugged up actions - I've got my best friend back - we laugh together again we chat we take care of each other - it's not all fairytale stuff but we're working at it together and you know what I thank my lucky stars that I even got this opportunity- you should give it a go and perhaps try and remember some of the good times and what brought you together in the first place - you really want to put the kids through it too ?-come on fella put the effort in it really will be truly rewarding. My home life and family are definitely my greatest reward in sobriety and I wouldn't change it for the world.
I most definitely recommend couples counselling- it has helped us massively, still working at it but it's so worth the effort - I've not just got my wife back after years of bitterness pretty much all down to me and my drunken / drugged up actions - I've got my best friend back - we laugh together again we chat we take care of each other - it's not all fairytale stuff but we're working at it together and you know what I thank my lucky stars that I even got this opportunity- you should give it a go and perhaps try and remember some of the good times and what brought you together in the first place - you really want to put the kids through it too ?-come on fella put the effort in it really will be truly rewarding. My home life and family are definitely my greatest reward in sobriety and I wouldn't change it for the world.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
So your wife was so upset at your behavior, and no doubt how you were treating your family, that she said something that seemed very extreme to get your attention in a desperate attempt to get you to stop and now your so upset that you want a divorce??? You have far more to work on in your life than not drinking.
If you want to be happy you'll learn how in AA. You'll learn that alcoholics are very sensitive people who generally worry about themselves much more than others. You'll also learn that your family will say and do about anything to help you get your life back on track and out of the pit of despair your life more than likely became.
I hope you get some help soon before you do damage that can't be repaired.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
As my Dad said, Never may life decisions when you are emotional or angry. These are massive life decisions with far reaching consequences that go waaaay beyond you striking out at the ultimatum giver. For a moment, but just a brief one, it makes you feel like you are holding the cards again, right?
We love to feel in control. Your newly sober brain sees this as fantastic revenge for such a humiliation.
No where in this do I see thoughts for her and your children. I imagine the thousands of explanations she's given them. I imagine how many times you werent there andshe gave them yet more explanations. I imagine you acting strangely in front of your kids and her covering up your problem as much as she humanly could. I imagine that for as long as she could she did what she could (and yes, likely nagged/pleaded/begged for you to stop). You did what you wanted. You did what you 'needed'. A lot of people here relate to that.
But we becoming wholly selfish beings as drunks. Our lives revolved around that drink - people nearby be damned. You expected total acceptance. You expected to be hailed as a hero. It didn't happen.
So instead you are getting your revenge.
Feel good yet?
Let's talk about what revenge solves: 1) you get to feel power! No ultimatum will bring you down! You turned the tables! She will pay for being honest and protecting your children from you!
2) In this scenario she will likely never get the help she needs, as she will no longer care much about the alcoholic she put up with all these years - see, she's sick too, and could have gone to al-anon. She needs fellowship from people who've been through it - those who supported alcoholics in an unhealthy way, and also would have gained insight in to this demon that took all of us over - alcohol.
3) Your pride! It may last a few weeks, so enjoy! You got to leave HER!
In her face! Problem with such prideful moments, they tend to melt away and no longer have much power and they are pretty hard to take back.
4) Maybe, just maybe, she's one of the few compassionate humans that would have stood by you and supported your recovery more than just about anyone else. Let's throw that out too
5) You were an irrational drunk for a long time in front of your kids. Now you are sober. Which they may get to see from time to time- but not every day, because your wife won't have to do much to get full custody.
If all these things are more important than the mess you created and the family you fractured, then please be all means, puff your chest up with pride and sally forth. If you have a fraction of a moment remember this - she did it to protect her kids. She was tired. She couldn't take anymore and couldn't support you drinking anymore. You are making irrational decisions based on anger and humilation. Is that really who sober you wants to be?
My husband likely would have left me and taken our kids with him. He'd have been right to do so. I endangered them and embarassed them. I work every day on making sure they all know how grateful i am that we get to be a family, with me as a fully functional member.
We love to feel in control. Your newly sober brain sees this as fantastic revenge for such a humiliation.
No where in this do I see thoughts for her and your children. I imagine the thousands of explanations she's given them. I imagine how many times you werent there andshe gave them yet more explanations. I imagine you acting strangely in front of your kids and her covering up your problem as much as she humanly could. I imagine that for as long as she could she did what she could (and yes, likely nagged/pleaded/begged for you to stop). You did what you wanted. You did what you 'needed'. A lot of people here relate to that.
But we becoming wholly selfish beings as drunks. Our lives revolved around that drink - people nearby be damned. You expected total acceptance. You expected to be hailed as a hero. It didn't happen.
So instead you are getting your revenge.
Feel good yet?
Let's talk about what revenge solves: 1) you get to feel power! No ultimatum will bring you down! You turned the tables! She will pay for being honest and protecting your children from you!
2) In this scenario she will likely never get the help she needs, as she will no longer care much about the alcoholic she put up with all these years - see, she's sick too, and could have gone to al-anon. She needs fellowship from people who've been through it - those who supported alcoholics in an unhealthy way, and also would have gained insight in to this demon that took all of us over - alcohol.
3) Your pride! It may last a few weeks, so enjoy! You got to leave HER!
In her face! Problem with such prideful moments, they tend to melt away and no longer have much power and they are pretty hard to take back.
4) Maybe, just maybe, she's one of the few compassionate humans that would have stood by you and supported your recovery more than just about anyone else. Let's throw that out too
5) You were an irrational drunk for a long time in front of your kids. Now you are sober. Which they may get to see from time to time- but not every day, because your wife won't have to do much to get full custody.
If all these things are more important than the mess you created and the family you fractured, then please be all means, puff your chest up with pride and sally forth. If you have a fraction of a moment remember this - she did it to protect her kids. She was tired. She couldn't take anymore and couldn't support you drinking anymore. You are making irrational decisions based on anger and humilation. Is that really who sober you wants to be?
My husband likely would have left me and taken our kids with him. He'd have been right to do so. I endangered them and embarassed them. I work every day on making sure they all know how grateful i am that we get to be a family, with me as a fully functional member.
I dunno. Looks like you knew your drinking was a problem back in 2011, or you wouldn't have joined this forum. Maybe she was just sick of feeling like her life was on hold while she waited for you to stop drinking. Now you've finally stopped for three months you're getting all indignant, and thinking this is only about you. She had every right to put some bounderies in place. She is a person living her life, nit just the drunk blokes missus. Your thinking sounds suspiciously unlike recovery to me. That white-knuckling place isn't a comfortable one - it sends us pretty crazy. I know because I've been there. Why not slow down the divorce proceedings, see what some recovery work does first and see what a different perspective can show up for you.
Fantastic response. Thank you! We don't realize what we are doing to people, or sometimes we don't care even.....and anyone with a shred of self-respect (like my ex-wife) isn't going to put up with it forever.....they just won't.
We screw people up. It's what we do. Wife, kids, parents, etc... Living with us is pure hell. No one deserves to have to put up with an alcoholic.
When I was 2 months sober I was dead set on a divorce. Heck, I was dead set on one before my first sober day. She was crazy and everything was her fault (or so my screwed up thinking told me). Poor poor me. I didn't pull the trigger. I had a lot of friends in AA tell me to just worry about myself and my sobriety for a while. Reluctantly I stayed. Over time I realized just how screwed up my head was and what I had put my family through. Alcohol had done a number on me and it took a good year to really clear up. That was almost 2 years ago. Our relationship today is stronger and better than it has ever been. It took a lot of hard work. It took a lot of time for her to realize I would and could change and for my mind to clear. Trust had to be regained. It wasn't easy at all but it was worth it.
I am grateful today that I did not pull the trigger on divorce. My mind wasn't in the right place at all for me to do it then. I think if I had gone through with it I would be regretting it today.
When I was 2 months sober I was dead set on a divorce. Heck, I was dead set on one before my first sober day. She was crazy and everything was her fault (or so my screwed up thinking told me). Poor poor me. I didn't pull the trigger. I had a lot of friends in AA tell me to just worry about myself and my sobriety for a while. Reluctantly I stayed. Over time I realized just how screwed up my head was and what I had put my family through. Alcohol had done a number on me and it took a good year to really clear up. That was almost 2 years ago. Our relationship today is stronger and better than it has ever been. It took a lot of hard work. It took a lot of time for her to realize I would and could change and for my mind to clear. Trust had to be regained. It wasn't easy at all but it was worth it.
I am grateful today that I did not pull the trigger on divorce. My mind wasn't in the right place at all for me to do it then. I think if I had gone through with it I would be regretting it today.
I got a divorce because I would NOT stop drinking. And I do not blame my wife AT ALL. We are making amends, but I will never get my marriage back. Don't be like me.......why the rush? GREAT advice given to you in this thread. Listen to it.
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