Should I be worried?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Should I be worried?
Some people have expressed they don't think it's safe for me to be in the house alone, especially since AXBF carries, and we are going through a highly emotional time.
I'm anticipating being out of the house mid-July.
I can see where they are coming from but I'm not sure what I could do? I don't want to abandon the property until my name is off the mortgage
I'm anticipating being out of the house mid-July.
I can see where they are coming from but I'm not sure what I could do? I don't want to abandon the property until my name is off the mortgage
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I had all the firing pins removed from all weapons except the one I legally carried. The cops will help you with this. I am SO GLAD I did, as she got violent enough near the end that I would have been in big trouble had it gone a step higher.
She asked me if I had disabled the guns (I Told you it was getting bad), and I said yes...and here is the number to the police officer who has it.
That right there, shut her down.
After she moved out, I returned them to her.
She asked me if I had disabled the guns (I Told you it was getting bad), and I said yes...and here is the number to the police officer who has it.
That right there, shut her down.
After she moved out, I returned them to her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am a little confused - are you living together? For some reason I thought he was living elsewhere.
Additionally, have you been in more contact? Could you be more specific about "going through a highly emotional time"? Has he threatened you, or has he done something wacky to make you worried?
Additionally, have you been in more contact? Could you be more specific about "going through a highly emotional time"? Has he threatened you, or has he done something wacky to make you worried?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
We are not living together. He took his guns with him because he "didn't want me to hurt myself" (puhleeease).
The mortgage is being taken over and I am being bought out.
I'm now in the loop in such a way that I don't have to have contact with him at all anymore, thanks to a million phone calls on my part this week. I was trying to get info out of him, but because he wasn't getting his way with a phone call (my boundaries said get everything in writing and don't give him an opportunity to manipulate) he was withholding information from me, or he would give me a number and tell me to call myself, so I did!
I essentially had to go around him and blow the lid off his "he was trying to update me" story so that wasn't fun. I hate confrontation
Something that stuck out to me was when he came back to the house sometime in April I think? I posted a thread about it I believe... but he baited me by telling me he was going to "open up" and it was actually a three hour lecture about everything I did wrong over the past decade. Ending with him saying "you don't know what respect is" and that he "wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in someone that crossed him or someone he was with" and that "going to jail for a first offense doesn't scare him"
The mortgage is being taken over and I am being bought out.
I'm now in the loop in such a way that I don't have to have contact with him at all anymore, thanks to a million phone calls on my part this week. I was trying to get info out of him, but because he wasn't getting his way with a phone call (my boundaries said get everything in writing and don't give him an opportunity to manipulate) he was withholding information from me, or he would give me a number and tell me to call myself, so I did!
I essentially had to go around him and blow the lid off his "he was trying to update me" story so that wasn't fun. I hate confrontation
Something that stuck out to me was when he came back to the house sometime in April I think? I posted a thread about it I believe... but he baited me by telling me he was going to "open up" and it was actually a three hour lecture about everything I did wrong over the past decade. Ending with him saying "you don't know what respect is" and that he "wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in someone that crossed him or someone he was with" and that "going to jail for a first offense doesn't scare him"
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Expanding...I suspect that you are worried, down deep....otherwise you wouldn't be asking "if you should be worried"....
I think that this is a good sign...that you are willing to admit it and ask others of input and help......
dandylion
I think that this is a good sign...that you are willing to admit it and ask others of input and help......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Expanding,
I am an RA. I was in an abusive relationship. My ex was/is an alcoholic/abuser. I never thought my ex would hit me, till he did. We never owned guns. (Thank God). You will never know what a drunk abuser with a gun will do.
I know at times, and I really hate to say this, and I have never touched a gun in my life, but if I had access to a gun, I don't know if I could have stopped myself when he was attacking me.
Don't ever underestimate someones emotional response.
I felt, he filed for the divorce, but he had it dragged out for over 18 months, for no reason. It didn't have to do much with splitting assets, there really wasn't much to disagree with.
I do think sometimes they may be agreeable to something, or even initiate something, then they look at what they are losing.
So yes, stay safe, and trust those gut instincts.
Please keep checking in so that we know you are OK.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
I am an RA. I was in an abusive relationship. My ex was/is an alcoholic/abuser. I never thought my ex would hit me, till he did. We never owned guns. (Thank God). You will never know what a drunk abuser with a gun will do.
I know at times, and I really hate to say this, and I have never touched a gun in my life, but if I had access to a gun, I don't know if I could have stopped myself when he was attacking me.
Don't ever underestimate someones emotional response.
I felt, he filed for the divorce, but he had it dragged out for over 18 months, for no reason. It didn't have to do much with splitting assets, there really wasn't much to disagree with.
I do think sometimes they may be agreeable to something, or even initiate something, then they look at what they are losing.
So yes, stay safe, and trust those gut instincts.
Please keep checking in so that we know you are OK.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Easy does it people.
Unless you are licensed as a mental health professional you have no authority to give advice, especially on the subject of Domestic Violence.
If you want to help, start by reading these stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-how-help.html
I have removed posts that not only gave incorrect advice, they gave advice that is completely the opposite of known facts. Specifically, the absence of past violent behavior is _not_ a consideration when evaluating the posibility of future violent behavior.
The _only_ advice that a lay person can give in this situation is to encourage people to contact a Domestic Violence shelter and speak with people who are both licensed and experienced in this matter.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Unless you are licensed as a mental health professional you have no authority to give advice, especially on the subject of Domestic Violence.
If you want to help, start by reading these stickies:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-how-help.html
I have removed posts that not only gave incorrect advice, they gave advice that is completely the opposite of known facts. Specifically, the absence of past violent behavior is _not_ a consideration when evaluating the posibility of future violent behavior.
The _only_ advice that a lay person can give in this situation is to encourage people to contact a Domestic Violence shelter and speak with people who are both licensed and experienced in this matter.
Mike
Moderator, SR
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, expanding,
I've worked in the DV field for a very long time. If there is no history of abuse (including threats or what would happen if you ever left him), then the fact that he owns a gun probably doesn't pose a risk to you. If there is a history of abusive or controlling behavior, I really suggest you contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with an advocate, who can help assess your safety, create a safety plan for you, and advise you about things like protective orders.
It's good to consider these issues, but not good to be paralyzed by fear. The vast majority of alcoholics do not become suddenly violent because they are going through a divorce. But if you have ANY concerns for your own safety, best to talk with a professional about it.
I've worked in the DV field for a very long time. If there is no history of abuse (including threats or what would happen if you ever left him), then the fact that he owns a gun probably doesn't pose a risk to you. If there is a history of abusive or controlling behavior, I really suggest you contact your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline and talk with an advocate, who can help assess your safety, create a safety plan for you, and advise you about things like protective orders.
It's good to consider these issues, but not good to be paralyzed by fear. The vast majority of alcoholics do not become suddenly violent because they are going through a divorce. But if you have ANY concerns for your own safety, best to talk with a professional about it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd just like to note that the presence or absence of violent behavior (with violence including verbal/emotional/psychological/economic or other forms of abusive/controlling behavior) DOES have some relevance in predicting future violence. Someone who has never behaved that way over the course of a relationship of substantial length is certainly less likely to become physically violent than someone who has a history of that kind of behavior.
That is not to say that sudden acts of violence never occur among people without a history, just that the overall risk is less.
Again, there are trained professionals and instruments that have been tested that will give a more accurate picture of risk. Even those are not infallible, so a low risk is not a guarantee of safety.
Hope that clears things up a bit. I actually do training for police, prosecutors, advocates, and allied professionals on risk assessment and related issues concerning domestic violence. The above is to the best of my professional knowledge.
That is not to say that sudden acts of violence never occur among people without a history, just that the overall risk is less.
Again, there are trained professionals and instruments that have been tested that will give a more accurate picture of risk. Even those are not infallible, so a low risk is not a guarantee of safety.
Hope that clears things up a bit. I actually do training for police, prosecutors, advocates, and allied professionals on risk assessment and related issues concerning domestic violence. The above is to the best of my professional knowledge.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
He has done things before like punch holes in walls and through doors. There was one time when he got too physical with me and I told him off and it never happened again.
I told my neighbor what was going on so I feel a little better. I didn't go into a lot of detail but enough that she knows we both shouldn't be at the house at the same time.
Maybe I'll see about staying somewhere temporarily until this is over. I'll have to talk to a lawyer to make sure it's not considered abandoning the property
I told my neighbor what was going on so I feel a little better. I didn't go into a lot of detail but enough that she knows we both shouldn't be at the house at the same time.
Maybe I'll see about staying somewhere temporarily until this is over. I'll have to talk to a lawyer to make sure it's not considered abandoning the property
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The punching of walls/doors, etc., is concerning because it is often done to make a point (I.e., "I could do this to you, and you're lucky I'm not"). Not that that is always the message--sometimes it's simply self-destructive behavior, but it's worth paying attention to.
And when he "got physical" with you, that's an even greater concern (though the fact that he backed down mitigates it somewhat). Still, the guy has a temper and sometimes is willing to display physical force, so it's worth paying attention to.
You might want to discuss it with an advocate, if only to reassure yourself that you are doing things the smart/safe way. Their help is free, and there's no obligation to do anything they suggest. It's just good to know what all your options are.
And when he "got physical" with you, that's an even greater concern (though the fact that he backed down mitigates it somewhat). Still, the guy has a temper and sometimes is willing to display physical force, so it's worth paying attention to.
You might want to discuss it with an advocate, if only to reassure yourself that you are doing things the smart/safe way. Their help is free, and there's no obligation to do anything they suggest. It's just good to know what all your options are.
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