Anger is our Friend
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Anger is our Friend
I read an article over the weekend that gave me food for thought. I'd like to share some of the points made.
O Magazine - October, 2004 Issue
We learn to dam up our anger when we are dependent on any social system, from a relationship to a religion, in which our needs and our experiences are ignored. Every child encounters this in some measure, since even the most attentive parent can't fulfill all the child's desires, but if you grew up with indifferent or cruel caretakers, you may have a lifetime of stored anger.
Anger is almost always a response to perceived injustice.
We pent up our anger because we believe that showing anger is wrong. Maybe even having anger is wrong. We believe that we certainly shouldn't be angry with those we love. We must forgive.
Anger is not the problem. Letting go of the anger is not the solution. The real problem is fear - fear that expressing anger will lead to the same kinds of disasters you've encountered in the past. Your fear has convinced you that you have to act as though you feel no anger. It's time to let your anger persuade you to act as though you have no fear.
If we dam up our anger for a long time, it can explode in fits of yelling, screaming, crying, etc. and yet we continue to store up our anger.
Just as the feeling of pain shows us that we need to take our hand off of a hot stove, the feeling of anger shows us that we need to take steps to protect ourselves from injustice, pain and sadness.
Step 1 - Tell anger's whole story. Write it out, talk it out - complete with expletives. Keep talking or writing until the whole extent and cause of the anger becomes apparent. Sometimes, the real reason behind the anger is a hidden rage pool that has been acculuating since childhood.
Step 2 - Once you've identified the issue that's upsetting you, learn all you can about it. Sometimes truly understanding the reasons behind a situation may dissolve the anger into deeper understanding.
Three possible attitudes you can adopt:
1. Loyalty - People who experience lots of pent up rage tend to act loyal, complying silently, trying to keep the peace. If you are ligitimately angry, it's a doomed strategy. It will wither and sour your emotional connection to others.
2. Voice - Voicing your anger to the people that are the root of your anger can be done effectively if you not only define exactly what's bothering you but also define what must be done to satisfy your sense of fairness. In dysfunctional relationships, voicing your anger rarely works. Exit is the best option.
3. Exit - Sometimes exit entails physically leaving a person or organization. More often, it means detaching at a deep emotional level by acknowledging that you are on different wavelengths. Mental exit is often more powerful that physical departure. It may be a crucial escape when you want to physically exit but can't.
The Monte Cristo Exit - A strategy named after a character in Dumas's novel who stays sane in prison by trying to tunnel out. It takes him years, but because he's working on his escape every day, he survives and remains sane. You can work every day on your escape plan while tolerating an unsavory situation just a bit longer.
Are You Screaming on the Inside?
Rate the following statements on this scale:
Never - 1
Rarely - 2
Sometimes - 3
Often - 4
Always - 5
1. I try to hide my anger from others.
2. I cry when I'm angry.
3. I get angry at myself.
4. I feel despair.
5. I hesitate to ask for as much as I want.
6. I tell myself not to get angry.
7. I let other people disregard my needs.
8. I think my anger is useless.
9. Anger keeps me from sleeping well.
10. I work hard to let go of a grudge.
10-18 - Your anger is flowing freely. Though you may err on the side of agression, learned helplessness is not a problem for you.
19-26 - There are times when you act more passively than you want. Learn more about the situations that make you angry to see where you can assert yourself.
27-34 - You tend to give up before you've reached a full resolution of a difficult situation. Allow your anger more room to breath and see what steps you can take to honor it.
35-42 - You're a bit of a doormat. There are many situations in your life that cause your chronic, low-grade anger. Listen to that angry inner voice and begin working toward expressing it in useful action.
43-50 - You feel much more helpless than you really are and this perception is seriously disrupting your quality of life. You may have stress-related illnesses and fear of intimacy. It's time to stop resisting anger and start resisting your fear.
My score was 38. Looks like I've got some work to do......
L
O Magazine - October, 2004 Issue
We learn to dam up our anger when we are dependent on any social system, from a relationship to a religion, in which our needs and our experiences are ignored. Every child encounters this in some measure, since even the most attentive parent can't fulfill all the child's desires, but if you grew up with indifferent or cruel caretakers, you may have a lifetime of stored anger.
Anger is almost always a response to perceived injustice.
We pent up our anger because we believe that showing anger is wrong. Maybe even having anger is wrong. We believe that we certainly shouldn't be angry with those we love. We must forgive.
Anger is not the problem. Letting go of the anger is not the solution. The real problem is fear - fear that expressing anger will lead to the same kinds of disasters you've encountered in the past. Your fear has convinced you that you have to act as though you feel no anger. It's time to let your anger persuade you to act as though you have no fear.
If we dam up our anger for a long time, it can explode in fits of yelling, screaming, crying, etc. and yet we continue to store up our anger.
Just as the feeling of pain shows us that we need to take our hand off of a hot stove, the feeling of anger shows us that we need to take steps to protect ourselves from injustice, pain and sadness.
Step 1 - Tell anger's whole story. Write it out, talk it out - complete with expletives. Keep talking or writing until the whole extent and cause of the anger becomes apparent. Sometimes, the real reason behind the anger is a hidden rage pool that has been acculuating since childhood.
Step 2 - Once you've identified the issue that's upsetting you, learn all you can about it. Sometimes truly understanding the reasons behind a situation may dissolve the anger into deeper understanding.
Three possible attitudes you can adopt:
1. Loyalty - People who experience lots of pent up rage tend to act loyal, complying silently, trying to keep the peace. If you are ligitimately angry, it's a doomed strategy. It will wither and sour your emotional connection to others.
2. Voice - Voicing your anger to the people that are the root of your anger can be done effectively if you not only define exactly what's bothering you but also define what must be done to satisfy your sense of fairness. In dysfunctional relationships, voicing your anger rarely works. Exit is the best option.
3. Exit - Sometimes exit entails physically leaving a person or organization. More often, it means detaching at a deep emotional level by acknowledging that you are on different wavelengths. Mental exit is often more powerful that physical departure. It may be a crucial escape when you want to physically exit but can't.
The Monte Cristo Exit - A strategy named after a character in Dumas's novel who stays sane in prison by trying to tunnel out. It takes him years, but because he's working on his escape every day, he survives and remains sane. You can work every day on your escape plan while tolerating an unsavory situation just a bit longer.
Are You Screaming on the Inside?
Rate the following statements on this scale:
Never - 1
Rarely - 2
Sometimes - 3
Often - 4
Always - 5
1. I try to hide my anger from others.
2. I cry when I'm angry.
3. I get angry at myself.
4. I feel despair.
5. I hesitate to ask for as much as I want.
6. I tell myself not to get angry.
7. I let other people disregard my needs.
8. I think my anger is useless.
9. Anger keeps me from sleeping well.
10. I work hard to let go of a grudge.
10-18 - Your anger is flowing freely. Though you may err on the side of agression, learned helplessness is not a problem for you.
19-26 - There are times when you act more passively than you want. Learn more about the situations that make you angry to see where you can assert yourself.
27-34 - You tend to give up before you've reached a full resolution of a difficult situation. Allow your anger more room to breath and see what steps you can take to honor it.
35-42 - You're a bit of a doormat. There are many situations in your life that cause your chronic, low-grade anger. Listen to that angry inner voice and begin working toward expressing it in useful action.
43-50 - You feel much more helpless than you really are and this perception is seriously disrupting your quality of life. You may have stress-related illnesses and fear of intimacy. It's time to stop resisting anger and start resisting your fear.
My score was 38. Looks like I've got some work to do......
L
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
My score is 23.....I have been working on my anger issues for several years. When I started I was probably somewhere in the doormat range at least I am making some progress thank God.....
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
I am reading a really good book - or REreading it actually - its called the Dance of Anger. It tells much the same as O magazine , that anger is an emotion and we women need to learn how to accept it and deal with it appropriately.
Thanks for the post, Lorelai
Thanks for the post, Lorelai
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I agree that anger is an emotion that is useful. I think however for me that I didn't know how to do anything useful with it. My solution was to stop looking outside myself for solutions, and start looking inward at myself. One of my favorite readings in "Courage to Change" is December 26:
Here's one of the most useful lessons I've learned in Al-Anon: If I don't want to be a doormat, I have to get up off the floor. In other words, although I can't control what other people say, do, or think, I am responsible for my choices.
Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.
Today, as a result of my recovery in Al-Anon, I know that I am not helpless. I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thought or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own invovement instead. That's where I can make my changes.
Today's reminder
It can be very empowering to take responsibility for my own choices. I will act in my own best interest today.
"I would do well to accept the challenge to look to my own recovery before I spent any more of my precioous life wishing the alcoholic would change...."
Living with Sobriety
Here's one of the most useful lessons I've learned in Al-Anon: If I don't want to be a doormat, I have to get up off the floor. In other words, although I can't control what other people say, do, or think, I am responsible for my choices.
Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.
Today, as a result of my recovery in Al-Anon, I know that I am not helpless. I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thought or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest. I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own invovement instead. That's where I can make my changes.
Today's reminder
It can be very empowering to take responsibility for my own choices. I will act in my own best interest today.
"I would do well to accept the challenge to look to my own recovery before I spent any more of my precioous life wishing the alcoholic would change...."
Living with Sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I rarely show anger. I never stay mad. I forgive everything in the instant in happens no matter how hurtful and with no need for an apology or amends.
I thought this was a good trait of mine. No heart attacks or high blood pressure for me - I was so easy going. How strong and wise I was to be able to let everything roll off my back.
Little did I know that I was just stuffing all that anger inside. I was letting people take advantage of me. I was seething on the inside and pretending that everything was OK.
Anger is a valid emotion. I get angry for a reason. I don't have to strangle someone or throw rocks at my boss but I do need to acknowledge the anger and do something about it.
L
I thought this was a good trait of mine. No heart attacks or high blood pressure for me - I was so easy going. How strong and wise I was to be able to let everything roll off my back.
Little did I know that I was just stuffing all that anger inside. I was letting people take advantage of me. I was seething on the inside and pretending that everything was OK.
Anger is a valid emotion. I get angry for a reason. I don't have to strangle someone or throw rocks at my boss but I do need to acknowledge the anger and do something about it.
L
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