jonbald

I am preparing a list of regrets as the parent of an alcoholic. This is to share in a meeting at the rehab center where our son is. I was wondering if any of you on this thread have a list of your own regrets. I would love hearing from you.

jonbald

I am preparing a list of regrets as the parent of an alcoholic. This is to share in a meeting at the rehab center where our son is. I was wondering if any of you on this thread have a list of your own regrets. I would love hearing from you.

jonbald

I am preparing a list of regrets as the parent of an alcoholic. This is to share in a meeting at the rehab center where our son is. I was wondering if any of you on this thread have a list of your own regrets. I would love hearing from you.

Queenbee7

Would you share your list on here? I would like to see it.

I have many kids. They are all still young and out of trouble,but I definitely already have regrets!

What I've exposed them to with who I've married I wonder how it will influence there future decisions when it comes to drug and alcohol use.

Chino

My one and only regret was not being consistent.

alterity

I deeply regret advocating for my B in a way that made him think that he was "excused" from the consequences of his behavior.

Ann

I regret thinking that love could save my son, it darn near killed both of us.

Rescuing him from the consequences of his addiction behaviours harmed him by denying him the lessons he needed to learn. Bailing from jail, giving him a place to live when he lost his room/apartment/place in rehab, not charging him when he stole from us...all enabling in the worst way.

Prayers out for your son, that he may embrace recovery like his life depends on it...because it does.

Hugs

Queenbee7

In what areas do you wish you had been more consistent?

I'm like a sponge soaking it all in right now, wanting to learn all I can for my own kids sakes.

Thanks

ardy

some times I just wish blow out a candle watch a star and wish my Pop had had times to see how great things were... sorry all... long day need a tissue. love to all of you and hug that kid hold them tight for life is to short... ardy

WeakGirl

I'm not the parent but the sibling. So, my input may not be helpful. However, I've been the caregiver AND "caretaker" in my family in a lot of ways, so I think a lot of my experiences are at least similar to those of parents... Anyway, here are my thoughts for what they're worth -

I regret any and all participation in his problem. I may be able to enjoy drinks on occasion, but from the time I started to realize he had a problem, I shouldn't have drank with him. It helped normalize his destructive behavior.

I regret shielding him from the consequences of his addiction - providing shelter, food, clothing and other needs that he could have furnished for himself if not addicted. Even worse, I have given him money when I knew it was to pay back dealers. I used my influence with local law enforcement to "protect" him. I (and hubby) went and pulled his vehicle out of various places he wrecked or got stuck, and got him home, so he wouldn't be there long enough to be discovered. In a million big and small ways, I made it easier for him to be an addict without getting in trouble.

Here's one that I have been pondering a lot and I don't hear mentioned often (if at all). I regret listening to and sympathizing with his "poor, pitiful me" stories. I was trying to be sympathetic when I thought he was hurting. I wonder if that helped reinforce the excuses and lies he feeds himself? I wonder if it would have been more helpful to call him out on his sense of entitlement or point out when I knew he was dramatizing things. I wonder if he was more able to convince himself that our childhood was that bad because I listened to his garbage?

I regret not taking tons of photographs of and with him before he got this bad.

BellaBlue

Many regrets. But they are all in a twisted mess from the addicts that have affected my life: grandfather, father, mother, in-laws, ex-husband and now, son.

theuncertainty

I think my list of regrets has changed over the past few years and I'm not sure what I regret now is what I would have listed earlier.... (And an ex-husband is the main reason I'm here at F&F) This is the only one I can think of right now:

I regret the time I spent waiting for him to change - and the time I spent trying to convince him that change was needed. So much of my focus was on him that I lost who I was, and I wasn't able to be the best mom that I could be for DS during those years.

Chino

In all things, not just with my daughter. For me, there's a domino effect with consistency. It's pretty much impossible to establish and enforce personal boundaries if I'm not willing and or able to be consistent. And that's the wiggle room an active addict thrives on.

INgal

What Chino said: consistency. Also, encouraging him to question authority. Letting him think his intelligence made him better than others. Failing to stand united with my husband. Making life easy for him. Wow, this list could go on forever.

DJ0822

I regret not recognizing that my son was having difficulty in elementary school, diagnosed with ADHD (treatment for which was a tug of war between my ex husband and me ) and seeing early behaviors that led to him feeling insecure, unhappy, unworthy. Middle school and high school years, he continued with that argumentative, defensive tone that eventually may have caused him to seek happiness through drugs. I wish I hadn't treated it as typical teenage behavior. His unhappiness with himself turned out to be very real and he went looking for something to self soothe.

Queenbee7

This sounds exactly like my 12 yr old son. Looking back what do you wish you would have done for your son?

cynical one

Regrets = Not. A. Single. One.
Things I would have done differently = Learning Lessons = Once I knew better, I did better.

DJ0822

Probably would have insisted on a good, strong relationship with a counselor for him. And probably would have fought harder with my ex to allow him to get ADHD medication and school help that he needed. I think it was a gradual downward tumble for him, struggling with school, feelings of self worth, self esteem, etc. I do believe it is a personality trait, having raised an older daughter in a similar environment of parenting, yet she thrived. I met/married my current husband when my son was about 10 years old. He introduced my son to golf, where my son did so well. We both saw what a positive help it was, to provide son with something that made him feel proud of himself. It didn't stop him from going down the addict road around age 18-23, and I think it was because son's difficulties weren't addressed strongly enough during his first 10 years of life, but he finally got sober around 23 and returned to golf as his " self-soothing," as he describes it. Plus, obviously the miracle of learning and practicing the 12 Steps, now.

hopepraylove

Great thread.

I'm the ex of an addict. I don't know if I necessarily have regrets, but I have definitely learned lessons, here's my list:

1) Doubting myself when my intuition told me he was using
2) Justifying his behavior to friends and family, making excuses, covering up for him so he wouldn't be embarassed (so I wouldn't be embarassed)
3) Not staying on "my side of the street" and working my own program sooner
4) Staying for as long as I did in an abusive/toxic relationship

Plink

My only regret right now........

Is letting my AS manipulate me so badly for years and years!

Now that I have some "sense" about what our family life has been for quite some time I realize how we all have been used and abused. How we all "walked on eggshells" because we didn't want to upset him or make things more difficult for him. How we NEVER knew which AS was going to show up at family functions! Was it the "happy" son or the "angry" son or the "ticked off" son..........

Now that we "know" life seems to have some peace as long as we follow the NC rule.