Katetheo

I feel a little embarrassed posting this as I've posted before about how I want to leave ABF, that I'm going to leave ABF but I'm still there.

I know I should just go now but I don't want to cave this time and go back. I've promised myself next time I catch him or he kicks off I will go and for good and I've asked my friends and family to remind me of my promise.

I think I've almost caught him twice in the last few days but there's that little bit of doubt in my mind and I was hoping I could run it by you all, even though I know it's obvious.

I was walking my dog through the church yard the other day and I see ABF going down the back into the bushes, then he comes out and is doing something behind a tree so I approached him and said what you doing. He said he was clearing up the plastic littered everywhere from the beer cans everywhere. So I walk down to where his bag is and there are 2 cans of cider. 1 unopened 1 with a few sips gone. He says they not his and that was his next thing to clear up. I think they were his!!!

Then earlier today I was at home and decided to walk through church yard (which is just round the corner) with my dog and look in the tree where he was the other day & there are 4 cans hidden. Get home 5 mins later & ABF is back from town. He then goes to the supermarket via church yard and said to me don't forget to vote (EU referendum). So I take doggy with me to the polling station just round the corner also, via the church & 2 cans are missing. Is that just a coincidence?

When I'm done voting I bump into ABF coming back and he starts accusing me of following him, tells me to leave him alone and walks off. When I get back he starts having a go at me, yelling at me for following him all the time and saying I'm driving him insane. That he feels he can't go anywhere for fear of me turning up.I'm not following him (yes I check hidey holes sometimes) but I walk doggy in the afternoon and if I avoided everywhere ABF goes fishing Id have virtually nowhere to go. In the last six months he's been fishing at least 80% of the time, I've seen him I'd say no more than 10 times. I wouldn't call that following. That said I know I shouldn't be checking but I just want to find the proof I need to give me the strength to go for good.

Thank you for reading & in advance for your wise words X

dandylion

Kate....I think you already know what you need to know about the drinking.....

don't look to him to give you strength to l eave.....
Look to yourself to do what you already know that you need to do.....

Specifically, what are you afraid of?
Fear of the unknown....
Fear of the pain of separaton..
Fear that you will never find anybody else....
Fear of being on your o wn...
Fear of what people will say....Fear of him.....
There are a hundred more possible reasons.....

I think it is important to identify exactly what you are afraid of.....

dandylion

redatlanta

Is this the same boyfriend that punched your Dog in the face?

I thought you left???

firebolt

Oh we just want to believe them so badly, don't we.

We want to be wrong, despite what we know.

Dandylion really hit the bottom line above. We are just so scared to make the move and go, even when we know it's best for us.

Would you be happier if he admitted it to you rather than lied and blameshifted this to you? Would THAT be what gives you the strength to go? Or would you pat him on the back for being honest, stay anyway, and and rest some hope on the "I'll do better" that follows?

You don't have to answer these here - they are for you - to get to the root of why

1 - why you are so willing to believe everything against what you know.
2 - why your actions are the opposite of what you said you know you should do.

With me, I started the relationship knowing I should not. I moved in with him knowing I should not. I stayed for 5 years knowing I should not. We totally understand.

(((HUGS)))

Bekindalways

Everything Dandy said times a zillion!

If you need a good reason could you use your lack of trust for him as a reason? i.e. Him, "Stop following me. Everywhere I go I'm afraid you are going to show up. You, "Well, I know I don't trust you. This isn't working. Let's call it quits."

Unlike Dandelion, I didn't move in and stay with my qualifier; I left the northern hemisphere shortly after I found out he was using meth. And it hurt so bad that I ALSO UNDERSTAND why you are still with this guy. Holy mackerel is is hard to leave!!

Keep posting and keep looking for whatever you need to get away.

hopeful4

My X usto bury cans and bottles in the backyard. I could not believe it.

They are his. Now it's up to you to decide what to do about it. You know what you know.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

it's possible you've stumbled upon every alcoholics DREAM.... a tree that GROWS BEER!!!!

of course they are his. no he isn't suddenly cleaning up the neighborhood, nor so civic minded he is now reminding you when to vote. HE IS DRINKING. period. nothing has changed. you playing detective only keeps you ensnared in his insanity......

AdelineRose

You already know the answer and honestly the first red flag was literally proven by the second. Okay cans by a tree could technically be anyone's (even though you saw him by the tree) but the fact that then he leaves and passes the church yard and literally 2 are gone.. well BOOM there it is. Now you have this- You see ABF near a tree in a church yard, later you see there are 4 cans of beer hidden by the tree you saw ABF earlier. Then ABF walks through the church yard and now 2 of the cans are missing. YEP there is your answer. On top of it his defensiveness about you following him and how he has to be "afraid" of running into you (why be afraid of running into someone unless you are hiding something. Sure you can be annoyed if it seems someone is always where you are, but not AFRAID).

I only wrote this post out for you because I have been there, I know how easy it is to turn a blind eye, try your hardest to believe them, and to not put things together that you would normally see in a second if it was about someone else.

Everyone above hit some really good questions to ask yourself and consider. It might be scary to leave, BUT YOU WILL BE OKAY. In fact you will in time be WAY BETTER THEN OKAY because this chaos and madness will be out of your life forever.

Thomas45

Read between the lines on this one; there are only two valid times when a person might be afraid of their girlfriend showing up randomly without warning.

1. When buying a surprise engagement ring.
2. When they are doing something that their girlfriend wouldn't approve of.

Honestly, what other proof do you need?

Ariesagain

He's drinking, you know he's drinking (note your thread title), and he punched.your.dog.

I know how very hard it is to get out, but at some point the lying to yourself does more damage than his lying to you. You will stop trusting your own judgment and that takes a lot longer to repair.

He's drinking. Your move.

FeelingGreat

He's drinking, but even if he wasn't, going off at you about following him, you driving him insane, him doing the same for you.....it's not working whichever way you look at it.

Imagine being in a loving nurturing, considerate relationship with no trust issues. They are out there, and you can find them.

alcoholics wife

I know you want to believe him when he says that he is just "cleaning the neighborhood" because we always want to give our loved ones the benefit of the doubt to protect our own aching hearts...but he is definitely lying to you. He is yelling and being defensive because that's what liars do. They feel like they are being cornered, so he acts out defensively because he is immature and doesn't know how to act and talk in an honest, mature way.

Katetheo

Thank you all for your kind and wise words. I do want to reply to everyone individually, please bear with me x

LeeJane

I read this thread last night.

The mention of him

*** punching your dog **** has stuck with me and I feel sick.

Unreal.

Refiner

Yeah the ***punching the dog*** would be enough for me. Also "fishing" = drinking. You know he is allowed to drink by law, right? He wants to drink, so he's going to drink. You don't like it. So what are YOU going to do about it?

Katetheo

Specifically, what are you afraid of?
Fear of the unknown....
Fear of the pain of separaton..
Fear that you will never find anybody else....
Fear of being on your o wn...
Fear of what people will say....Fear of him.....
There are a hundred more possible reasons.....

Thanks Dandylion you gave me a lot to think about. A few years ago I'd have said I was afraid of all of these but I've become so far detached from abf and there's been so much turmoil that I'm actually looking forward to being on my own and cannot wait for what's ahead when I finally leave. I must admit I don't do well from the pain of breakup but I have a feeling I'm going to be ok...and relieved. I'm guess I'm more worried about him. How codependent is that!

Katetheo

It's possible you've stumbled upon every alcoholics DREAM.... a tree that GROWS BEER!!!!

Thank you Anvil, this put a big smile on my face & made me laugh for the first time in ages.

Katetheo

Thanks Thomas, this is a great way of looking at it. Plus if we had a normal relationship when he saw me he'd have been pleased to see me & we'd have walked home together. There is definitely no ring coming...thank goodness.