My name is Bobbie...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
My name is Bobbie...
So, therapy has got me doing a lot of soul searching. When did this start? Why did this start?
I never really looked into the “whys” before. I’m an alcoholic. It’s genetic, it runs in my family, I got the gene. Apparently, that made me predisposed to addiction, circumstances just helped the actions meet the disposition. Or something like that.
My husband and I had several couple friends that we hung out with and there was always a lot of drinking. The girls were 7-10 or so, my boys 15 and 17. Was always a weekend thing, harmless, at the lake or watching my brother in law sing in his band. We would stay up until morning, drinking, laughing, playing music. I almost can’t remember when I started drinking alone, other than to have a beer in the evening.
It seems, my girls were a little older, I was no longer needed often at school, my husband was working on the road, and I was getting a bit agoraphobic. I went from being very social, to not wanting to leave. When my husband was home, it subsided, but when I was alone, I just kind of sank into the aloneness. I started drinking wine in the evenings, while doing laundry, helping kids with homework, all of that. That evening wine would sometimes be beer. It started getting earlier and earlier.
Then, the evening wine, at some point turned into vodka, and stopped being evening. Early afternoon I would start, but then a lunch with friends here and there started including a cocktail among us stay at home moms. People didn’t know for a very long time. I worried myself some, but just played it off as no big deal. Everyone was drinking a lot, most were drinking in an evening what I was consuming in a week.
I started really worrying my family around 3-4 years ago. I would cut back for a while. I would only drink on weekends, would only drink with my husband, would only drink at social events. Those attempts never lasted long. Then I was back to hiding my bottles of vodka. In moments of clarity and guilt, I would tell my husband and show him my hiding spots. Then I would want to drink again, and I would come up with new hiding spots. I was nothing if not very creative.
My husband would be on the road, so I could really drink as much as I wanted in peace. I would ask him when he was coming home, not because I missed him (which I did) but so I would know how much longer I could drink. I’d get really nervous the day he was coming home. I would drink more, and then become more nervous he would know, and so on, and so on. He’d be home for maybe a week. About 2 or 3 days into his stay, I would ask him when he had to leave again. So I could start planning my drinking. It truly was like I was cheating on my husband with my bottles of vodka.
I went on this way for a long time. I was mostly successful at hiding it. Sometimes I was not successful, but more than not. Then, a lot of changes happened in our lives that would have been difficult to manage sober and not depressed. They seem to have sent me over the edge and into an abyss I couldn’t crawl out of. I was drinking more and more. Sometimes at least a fifth a day. I only left my house for work and would drink before and at lunch and on the way home sometimes. I called in sick a lot. I was either hungover or already too drunk to show up. I was completely losing it. My kids were getting angry with me, my husband was getting impatient and my sister was worried about me.
My husband finally told me he couldn’t take it anymore and left. I didn’t blame him. I felt like I didn’t even care (because I was drunk). I finished whiskey that night and started with a bottle of wine the next morning. Then I washed a bottle of pills down with a beer.
Needless to say, that landed me in a psych ward. Then I started therapy and antidepressants. I still wasn’t attending meetings. I don’t know why. Maybe in going, I would eventually have to say, “hi, my name it Bobbie and I’m and alcoholic.” So, I drank again about 2 weeks later. Not as much as before, but definitely some. Of course, not as much as before soon turned into a lot more. Around January I started trying to attend meetings. It was hit or miss. I would cry in therapy. The put me on Campral, and when I looked up the side effects, I found SR.
SR has been a game changer for me. The fellowship of alcoholics helping each other. The understanding. Now I work every day on my sobriety, instead of working on when to get my next drink. My March 2016 class is amazing. I think of them with a fondness I couldn’t have thought possible. People I have never met have become my lifeline. I had accumulated a lot of days, then drank. I stayed here and received so much support.
Today is day 18. I am more educated. I am more focused. My life is already better. I do attend meetings. I see an addiction counselor once a week. Started exercising, meditating, basically replacing my drinking with good habits. It really doesn’t work to just sit at home and have the same routine and just say, “I’m not going to drink.” They say that all of the time on this forum, I don’t know why it takes some of us a little longer to get it. So, in saying all of that,
Hi. My name is Bobbie, and I’m an alcoholic.
I never really looked into the “whys” before. I’m an alcoholic. It’s genetic, it runs in my family, I got the gene. Apparently, that made me predisposed to addiction, circumstances just helped the actions meet the disposition. Or something like that.
My husband and I had several couple friends that we hung out with and there was always a lot of drinking. The girls were 7-10 or so, my boys 15 and 17. Was always a weekend thing, harmless, at the lake or watching my brother in law sing in his band. We would stay up until morning, drinking, laughing, playing music. I almost can’t remember when I started drinking alone, other than to have a beer in the evening.
It seems, my girls were a little older, I was no longer needed often at school, my husband was working on the road, and I was getting a bit agoraphobic. I went from being very social, to not wanting to leave. When my husband was home, it subsided, but when I was alone, I just kind of sank into the aloneness. I started drinking wine in the evenings, while doing laundry, helping kids with homework, all of that. That evening wine would sometimes be beer. It started getting earlier and earlier.
Then, the evening wine, at some point turned into vodka, and stopped being evening. Early afternoon I would start, but then a lunch with friends here and there started including a cocktail among us stay at home moms. People didn’t know for a very long time. I worried myself some, but just played it off as no big deal. Everyone was drinking a lot, most were drinking in an evening what I was consuming in a week.
I started really worrying my family around 3-4 years ago. I would cut back for a while. I would only drink on weekends, would only drink with my husband, would only drink at social events. Those attempts never lasted long. Then I was back to hiding my bottles of vodka. In moments of clarity and guilt, I would tell my husband and show him my hiding spots. Then I would want to drink again, and I would come up with new hiding spots. I was nothing if not very creative.
My husband would be on the road, so I could really drink as much as I wanted in peace. I would ask him when he was coming home, not because I missed him (which I did) but so I would know how much longer I could drink. I’d get really nervous the day he was coming home. I would drink more, and then become more nervous he would know, and so on, and so on. He’d be home for maybe a week. About 2 or 3 days into his stay, I would ask him when he had to leave again. So I could start planning my drinking. It truly was like I was cheating on my husband with my bottles of vodka.
I went on this way for a long time. I was mostly successful at hiding it. Sometimes I was not successful, but more than not. Then, a lot of changes happened in our lives that would have been difficult to manage sober and not depressed. They seem to have sent me over the edge and into an abyss I couldn’t crawl out of. I was drinking more and more. Sometimes at least a fifth a day. I only left my house for work and would drink before and at lunch and on the way home sometimes. I called in sick a lot. I was either hungover or already too drunk to show up. I was completely losing it. My kids were getting angry with me, my husband was getting impatient and my sister was worried about me.
My husband finally told me he couldn’t take it anymore and left. I didn’t blame him. I felt like I didn’t even care (because I was drunk). I finished whiskey that night and started with a bottle of wine the next morning. Then I washed a bottle of pills down with a beer.
Needless to say, that landed me in a psych ward. Then I started therapy and antidepressants. I still wasn’t attending meetings. I don’t know why. Maybe in going, I would eventually have to say, “hi, my name it Bobbie and I’m and alcoholic.” So, I drank again about 2 weeks later. Not as much as before, but definitely some. Of course, not as much as before soon turned into a lot more. Around January I started trying to attend meetings. It was hit or miss. I would cry in therapy. The put me on Campral, and when I looked up the side effects, I found SR.
SR has been a game changer for me. The fellowship of alcoholics helping each other. The understanding. Now I work every day on my sobriety, instead of working on when to get my next drink. My March 2016 class is amazing. I think of them with a fondness I couldn’t have thought possible. People I have never met have become my lifeline. I had accumulated a lot of days, then drank. I stayed here and received so much support.
Today is day 18. I am more educated. I am more focused. My life is already better. I do attend meetings. I see an addiction counselor once a week. Started exercising, meditating, basically replacing my drinking with good habits. It really doesn’t work to just sit at home and have the same routine and just say, “I’m not going to drink.” They say that all of the time on this forum, I don’t know why it takes some of us a little longer to get it. So, in saying all of that,
Hi. My name is Bobbie, and I’m an alcoholic.
I look young for my age.
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 932
Bobbie, I've been lurking here for a while, and just started posting today. I've read a ton of posts from a bunch of great people, but yours is the one that put tears in my eyes. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Originally Posted by Username7775 
Bobbie, I've been lurking here for a while, and just started posting today. I've read a ton of posts from a bunch of great people, but yours is the one that put tears in my eyes. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Hi Bobbie my name is Adeline and I am a heroin addict.
You really hit it on the head when you said "It really doesn’t work to just sit at home and have the same routine and just say, “I’m not going to drink.” That is such the truth, and it took me forever to realize it but once I did what a game changer.
Keep up the great work!
You really hit it on the head when you said "It really doesn’t work to just sit at home and have the same routine and just say, “I’m not going to drink.” That is such the truth, and it took me forever to realize it but once I did what a game changer.
Keep up the great work!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi bobby,
Great break down of how the addiction gets us.
Just left the casino as i begin another vacation. Only saw a few people out of hundreds that appeared intoxicated. But, it was early.
We had dinner then planned a show.
Since quitting, 13 plus months ago, i have taken more time off work to spend w people that love me.
My job is a well paying place where my happiness dies. Sigh....
Anyway, sober as usual.
Thanks.
Great break down of how the addiction gets us.
Just left the casino as i begin another vacation. Only saw a few people out of hundreds that appeared intoxicated. But, it was early.
We had dinner then planned a show.
Since quitting, 13 plus months ago, i have taken more time off work to spend w people that love me.
My job is a well paying place where my happiness dies. Sigh....
Anyway, sober as usual.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Originally Posted by Dee74
Thanks for sharing your story Bobbie 
Like you my drinking just kinda crept up on me- I really identify with your story.
Congrats on 18 days
D
Like you my drinking just kinda crept up on me- I really identify with your story.
Congrats on 18 days
D
Thanks for that analogy. I've used it a few times this week to explain to family the progression. That makes it really simple.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 1,486
Hi Bobbie(that's my daughters name) we,reading your story really hit home with me cuz my drinking started as "innocently" as yours,hubs and I would drink just a little to relax,hang with friends,etc then it turned me into someone I don't even know,I needed more,more,more, wanted it with a passion I couldn't get a handle on for years,thanks for sharing with us and I agree SR rocks😊
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Just an update. I received my 30 day chip last week. Day 39 now. I thought of all of you when, for the first time in my life, I said the words out loud. SR is with me everywhere I go, especially during the tough stuff. Thanks.
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