I blew it
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I blew it
I wanted this so bad. I was determined to do everything right. I never would have dreamed we would settle in mediation, but it was going to be his fault, not mine.
No interrupting. So easy, I thought. STBX interrupted me twice. I was doing just fine. Then I slipped. I can't even remember what the first one was about. But when STBX started bringing up my suicidal tendencies- it just came out of my mouth.
"In high school!"
In high school I tried to commit suicide. 17 years ago.
And just like that, I was escorted out of the room. We were so close to an agreement, but now the mediatator gets to make a recommendation.
I couldn't be more angry with myself.
How do I get through these three weeks of being in limbo while I wait to hear what his decision is? Why can't we just go back? Is there any way we can go back? I'm terrified of someone else making these decisions for us.
No interrupting. So easy, I thought. STBX interrupted me twice. I was doing just fine. Then I slipped. I can't even remember what the first one was about. But when STBX started bringing up my suicidal tendencies- it just came out of my mouth.
"In high school!"
In high school I tried to commit suicide. 17 years ago.
And just like that, I was escorted out of the room. We were so close to an agreement, but now the mediatator gets to make a recommendation.
I couldn't be more angry with myself.
How do I get through these three weeks of being in limbo while I wait to hear what his decision is? Why can't we just go back? Is there any way we can go back? I'm terrified of someone else making these decisions for us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Our mediation was a bust as well. I had clung to the hope that everything would be settled and I could get on with my life without the stress and fear of a trial. It wasn't meant to be.
I'm so sorry. You didn't blow it. You didn't fail. Don't beat yourself up. He is a master manipulator and he knows where all of your buttons are. Nothing is too low for him, because with these guys it's not about the children or their well-being. It's about "getting" you for daring to stand up to his crap and leave. One thing that helped me to prepare for dealing with him on the legal playing field was reading the Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." These guys have a script, a playbook. I was shocked at how accurately and closely the situations described resembled our life and relationship.
As much as I dreaded the trial, and as worried as I was about the mediator's input, everything worked out. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you, but know that I have been where you are and I am here supporting you 100%.
You made one mistake. Use it to your advantage. Another book that helped me was Sun Tzu's The Art of War- not exactly the recovery and self-help literature that usually gets recommended on here, I know. I read it when I was in the military (he and I both did, it was part of the curriculum for our training). I never wanted to have to use those kinds of tactics again. I was tired of fighting, of war. But I was willing to go to war to protect my son.
One tactic I used- "The spot where we intend to fight must not be made known; for then the enemy will have to prepare against a possible attack at several different points; and his forces being thus distributed in many directions, the numbers we shall have to face at any given point will be proportionately few."
In other words, and this seems to be what he is doing- throw a bunch of crap against the wall and see what sticks. He will waste energy and time (as my ex did) defending against every little thing. You in the meantime will attack his weakest point, the one he doesn't want to acknowledge at all- the addiction.
Something else we used to do- Never acknowledge any accusation made against you. To do so lends it credibility. Unless the judge specifically asks you about something, ignore every bit of nonsense that comes from his side. Like I said, he knows all of your buttons. All those secrets you confided in him in the beginning of the relationship when you thought you were bonding have been saved for this specific moment. Lundy's book covers this pretty well.
Sending strength your way. Do what you need to do, take care of you, then marshal your forces and start getting ready for the battle. We are here for you.
I'm so sorry. You didn't blow it. You didn't fail. Don't beat yourself up. He is a master manipulator and he knows where all of your buttons are. Nothing is too low for him, because with these guys it's not about the children or their well-being. It's about "getting" you for daring to stand up to his crap and leave. One thing that helped me to prepare for dealing with him on the legal playing field was reading the Lundy Bancroft book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." These guys have a script, a playbook. I was shocked at how accurately and closely the situations described resembled our life and relationship.
As much as I dreaded the trial, and as worried as I was about the mediator's input, everything worked out. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you, but know that I have been where you are and I am here supporting you 100%.
You made one mistake. Use it to your advantage. Another book that helped me was Sun Tzu's The Art of War- not exactly the recovery and self-help literature that usually gets recommended on here, I know. I read it when I was in the military (he and I both did, it was part of the curriculum for our training). I never wanted to have to use those kinds of tactics again. I was tired of fighting, of war. But I was willing to go to war to protect my son.
One tactic I used- "The spot where we intend to fight must not be made known; for then the enemy will have to prepare against a possible attack at several different points; and his forces being thus distributed in many directions, the numbers we shall have to face at any given point will be proportionately few."
In other words, and this seems to be what he is doing- throw a bunch of crap against the wall and see what sticks. He will waste energy and time (as my ex did) defending against every little thing. You in the meantime will attack his weakest point, the one he doesn't want to acknowledge at all- the addiction.
Something else we used to do- Never acknowledge any accusation made against you. To do so lends it credibility. Unless the judge specifically asks you about something, ignore every bit of nonsense that comes from his side. Like I said, he knows all of your buttons. All those secrets you confided in him in the beginning of the relationship when you thought you were bonding have been saved for this specific moment. Lundy's book covers this pretty well.
Sending strength your way. Do what you need to do, take care of you, then marshal your forces and start getting ready for the battle. We are here for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I'm so sorry. You didn't blow it. You didn't fail. Don't beat yourself up. He is a master manipulator and he knows where all of your buttons are. Nothing is too low for him, because with these guys it's not about the children or their well-being. It's about "getting" you for daring to stand up to his crap and leave.
My prayers go out for you that in the end, fairness will prevail and you will find peace.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Thank you everyone,
I guess I'm beating myself up not just for my blurt out, but I'm really questioning if I should have brought up the allegations regarding his possible molestation of his friend's son. The boy's mom had confessed to me that her son told her it had happened, and I had seen something that led me to believe this was true. Of course, the mom now denies ever telling me this, saying she was just "drunk"- obviously, she's just protecting her son, who she (in her drunken state) said didn't want to press charges. Anyway, everything was going my way and STBX was ready to give in to pretty much all of my demands until I brought that up. I just couldn't walk out of there without making sure it went on record. I needed to know that if the boy ever decided to come forward down the line, or if STBX ever tried something like this with another child, that this would help to substantiate their claims. Anyway, it just made him angry, which is why he went into my high school issues, a DUI from before even met him, and G_d knows what else while I was in the other room. I just hope I did the right thing. I think I did.
Thank you all for your support.
I guess I'm beating myself up not just for my blurt out, but I'm really questioning if I should have brought up the allegations regarding his possible molestation of his friend's son. The boy's mom had confessed to me that her son told her it had happened, and I had seen something that led me to believe this was true. Of course, the mom now denies ever telling me this, saying she was just "drunk"- obviously, she's just protecting her son, who she (in her drunken state) said didn't want to press charges. Anyway, everything was going my way and STBX was ready to give in to pretty much all of my demands until I brought that up. I just couldn't walk out of there without making sure it went on record. I needed to know that if the boy ever decided to come forward down the line, or if STBX ever tried something like this with another child, that this would help to substantiate their claims. Anyway, it just made him angry, which is why he went into my high school issues, a DUI from before even met him, and G_d knows what else while I was in the other room. I just hope I did the right thing. I think I did.
Thank you all for your support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
sometimes we just cannot take that one last insult. All things happen for a reason, you are free to stop feeling guilty. I remember when my problem drinking husband told me after we decided to divorce - that he claimed grounds with 'not performing my wifely duties'.
ummm, yea ..... I asked him why it needed to be my fault. He said it was easier. I asked 'easier for whom?'
one of the lawyers stated that no judge would hold me responsible for THAT one since he was so utterly abusive ....
but for me, it cost many thousands, three lawyers, but I eventually filed for the divorce after he didn't follow thru on his side (since he had changed his mind) and in my petition, I had claimed ... cruel and inhuman treatment.
That suited his situation better and though it cost several thousands more, it was worth every penny.
So, learn NOT to feel guilty for everything, sometimes we need to stand and say something.
Hugs to you during this time,
Joie
ummm, yea ..... I asked him why it needed to be my fault. He said it was easier. I asked 'easier for whom?'
one of the lawyers stated that no judge would hold me responsible for THAT one since he was so utterly abusive ....
but for me, it cost many thousands, three lawyers, but I eventually filed for the divorce after he didn't follow thru on his side (since he had changed his mind) and in my petition, I had claimed ... cruel and inhuman treatment.
That suited his situation better and though it cost several thousands more, it was worth every penny.
So, learn NOT to feel guilty for everything, sometimes we need to stand and say something.
Hugs to you during this time,
Joie
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