Recovering alcoholic girlfriend
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Recovering alcoholic girlfriend
Recovering alcoholic girlfriend
I am in a relationship with a guy who attends AA regularly. There is a woman who joined the group the same time as my boyfriend. He is always helpful and wants to help everyone. This girl stopped attending meetings about a month ago and he had been texting her about the meetings. She said she hadn't been attending because of stressful events. She stopped by his house and talked to him. I feel like she is making excuses for not attending meetings. He thinks he needs to be there for her indefinitely. He should not be her personal therapist. How do I handle this? Don't know if I can continue this relationship but trying. Any thought or suggestions?
I am in a relationship with a guy who attends AA regularly. There is a woman who joined the group the same time as my boyfriend. He is always helpful and wants to help everyone. This girl stopped attending meetings about a month ago and he had been texting her about the meetings. She said she hadn't been attending because of stressful events. She stopped by his house and talked to him. I feel like she is making excuses for not attending meetings. He thinks he needs to be there for her indefinitely. He should not be her personal therapist. How do I handle this? Don't know if I can continue this relationship but trying. Any thought or suggestions?
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Originally Posted by picturegirl81 
Recovering alcoholic girlfriend
I am in a relationship with a guy who attends AA regularly. There is a woman who joined the group the same time as my boyfriend. He is always helpful and wants to help everyone. This girl stopped attending meetings about a month ago and he had been texting her about the meetings. She said she hadn't been attending because of stressful events. She stopped by his house and talked to him. I feel like she is making excuses for not attending meetings. He thinks he needs to be there for her indefinitely. He should not be her personal therapist. How do I handle this? Don't know if I can continue this relationship but trying. Any thought or suggestions?
I am in a relationship with a guy who attends AA regularly. There is a woman who joined the group the same time as my boyfriend. He is always helpful and wants to help everyone. This girl stopped attending meetings about a month ago and he had been texting her about the meetings. She said she hadn't been attending because of stressful events. She stopped by his house and talked to him. I feel like she is making excuses for not attending meetings. He thinks he needs to be there for her indefinitely. He should not be her personal therapist. How do I handle this? Don't know if I can continue this relationship but trying. Any thought or suggestions?
She needs a female sponsor to support her in a detached way, not a guy that I expect she is enjoying the attention from. If she is indeed stressed that is the very time she needs meetings.
Your boyfriend needs to step away and focus on his own recovery, have a male sponsor as his support.
Alcohol gives a buzz to an A, when that buzz goes it is common to look for a buzz in another way, attraction to someone else being a very common one.
Speaking from my own experience, it will play out the way it will be. Addicts don't usually take any notice of people trying to talk sense.
Sorry you have this in your life. Hope my thoughts help a little.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
It sounds like she is displaying destructive behaviour and your bf is her chosen vice. I am ashamed to say I have done similar in the past. Your concern (I'm guessing) is how your bf reacts to this. Sometimes attention from the opposite sex can seem very appealing and a substitute for the newly sober. You are right to be concerned. I hope that your bf points her in the right direction i.e. a female to help her in her recovery. Keep us posted and know that we will support you. If you are feeling like something doesn't feel right then trust your instinct and post here. I wish you well friend xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
"Being there" for her should be steering her towards other females and stepping back.
Can you tell him how you feel about it?
Can you tell him how you feel about it?
Originally Posted by picturegirl81
Recovering alcoholic girlfriend
I am in a relationship with a guy who attends AA regularly. There is a woman who joined the group the same time as my boyfriend. He is always helpful and wants to help everyone. This girl stopped attending meetings about a month ago and he had been texting her about the meetings. She said she hadn't been attending because of stressful events. She stopped by his house and talked to him. I feel like she is making excuses for not attending meetings. He thinks he needs to be there for her indefinitely. He should not be her personal therapist. How do I handle this? Don't know if I can continue this relationship but trying. Any thought or suggestions?
I am in a relationship with a guy who attends AA regularly. There is a woman who joined the group the same time as my boyfriend. He is always helpful and wants to help everyone. This girl stopped attending meetings about a month ago and he had been texting her about the meetings. She said she hadn't been attending because of stressful events. She stopped by his house and talked to him. I feel like she is making excuses for not attending meetings. He thinks he needs to be there for her indefinitely. He should not be her personal therapist. How do I handle this? Don't know if I can continue this relationship but trying. Any thought or suggestions?
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Picturegirl......I think I can understand your discomfort.....I assume that you fear that this might develop into a relationship of a romantic nature?
That a "damsel in distress" who is leaning on him might appeal to his rescue fantasies and create a bond between them that is more than just reaching for sobriety?
I can tell you my experience with 2 different men.
I, once had a boyfriend...very serious..we were planning marriage in the future (not formally engaged). He was in a position where he was working with a lot of "available" women. I always felt a nagging slight discomfort with this vulnerable environment that he operated in....
I never said anything, but, it was there!
Forward to my husband (who is deceased)......He worked closely with lots of women and also dealt with a lot of women in certain organizations that he belonged to. He was a very attractive and well-liked man.....
I never felt any discomfort or had any feelings of jelousy, at all.....
What was the difference? I think that it had to do with my feelings of security in the solidness...or lack of....in the relationship which I was in.....
I came down to a matter of trust. My trust in the first example was a bit wobbly. Looking back, justifyably so...because he is the one who ended the relationship, eventually....
With my husband...it felt rock solid. I didn't have to worry, and, I, instinctively knew it. It was not unusual for women to tell me how much they liked my husband....and I took it as a compliment for him...
In relationships, I think that trust is either there ...or not.....
You can't control your boyfriend....nor, is it healthy to try....it would just drive you slowly crazy.....
I do think that, as a couple, you can, certainly, make him aware of how YOU FEEL....not accuse him....just share YOUR FEELINGS with him.....
If he is active in AA....he, surely, has been made well aware of the dangers of thirteenth stepping issues.....and, to be careful of walking on thin ice with these kinds of situations.
I think that, in the end, it will play out however way it is going to play out.....
You have no control over them.....you will just have to manage yourself and tend to your own best interests.....
I know that this is bothersome.......
dandylion
That a "damsel in distress" who is leaning on him might appeal to his rescue fantasies and create a bond between them that is more than just reaching for sobriety?
I can tell you my experience with 2 different men.
I, once had a boyfriend...very serious..we were planning marriage in the future (not formally engaged). He was in a position where he was working with a lot of "available" women. I always felt a nagging slight discomfort with this vulnerable environment that he operated in....
I never said anything, but, it was there!
Forward to my husband (who is deceased)......He worked closely with lots of women and also dealt with a lot of women in certain organizations that he belonged to. He was a very attractive and well-liked man.....
I never felt any discomfort or had any feelings of jelousy, at all.....
What was the difference? I think that it had to do with my feelings of security in the solidness...or lack of....in the relationship which I was in.....
I came down to a matter of trust. My trust in the first example was a bit wobbly. Looking back, justifyably so...because he is the one who ended the relationship, eventually....
With my husband...it felt rock solid. I didn't have to worry, and, I, instinctively knew it. It was not unusual for women to tell me how much they liked my husband....and I took it as a compliment for him...
In relationships, I think that trust is either there ...or not.....
You can't control your boyfriend....nor, is it healthy to try....it would just drive you slowly crazy.....
I do think that, as a couple, you can, certainly, make him aware of how YOU FEEL....not accuse him....just share YOUR FEELINGS with him.....
If he is active in AA....he, surely, has been made well aware of the dangers of thirteenth stepping issues.....and, to be careful of walking on thin ice with these kinds of situations.
I think that, in the end, it will play out however way it is going to play out.....
You have no control over them.....you will just have to manage yourself and tend to your own best interests.....
I know that this is bothersome.......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
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In alanon as i man i work closely with one woman, trying to sopport like in the preamble. Early on we discussed the attraction issue and its been settled since. The situation described is not an automatic red flag for me, but depending on the details and how theyre handling the issue it sure could be huge.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Jacksonville fl
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Thanks for replies! Please ready and continue commenting PLEASE!
Thanks to everyone who shared input! It is very much appreciated! I have mentioned my feelings about this issue over the last couple days! First issue...he said that she said she wasn't attending because she felt uncomfortable with the male sponsor who she picked! My BF said he had a hunch that the sponsor was hitting on her and made her feel uncomfortable. I told him I thought it was BS! I said how do you know she didn't pick him to come on to him and was rejected.
Second issue... He had been texting her and then she didn't reply. He suspected that she had possibly been drinking and trying to get ahold of her to check on her well being. He ran into her at a store and she said that she had been out of town and her pet died. I told him this is when she should depend on the AA meetings the most. He said that she told him her family here was taking advantage of her and she couldn't attend meetings! Again BS I said. More excuses.
Third issue.... His response to me when I said that she was making excuses and he was justifying her excuses. His response was...I will not justify defending my friends when I obviously should (really ? I thought ). He continued to say I will defend anybody I feel is not getting a fair shake and they are not there to defend themselves
Here is my last couple of days. Going to visit him tonight and share all these comments. If it doesn't go we'll then it's over.
Second issue... He had been texting her and then she didn't reply. He suspected that she had possibly been drinking and trying to get ahold of her to check on her well being. He ran into her at a store and she said that she had been out of town and her pet died. I told him this is when she should depend on the AA meetings the most. He said that she told him her family here was taking advantage of her and she couldn't attend meetings! Again BS I said. More excuses.
Third issue.... His response to me when I said that she was making excuses and he was justifying her excuses. His response was...I will not justify defending my friends when I obviously should (really ? I thought ). He continued to say I will defend anybody I feel is not getting a fair shake and they are not there to defend themselves
Here is my last couple of days. Going to visit him tonight and share all these comments. If it doesn't go we'll then it's over.
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Dandy makes a really good point about trust and how solid the relationship is. I think you don't trust him.
However, its not up to you to determine whom your BF is "friends" with or not. Its not up to you to decide "her" sobriety map, where she should be going, whom she should be talking to, when she should go to AA, or who she should choose as a sponsor.
If something made me uncomfortable, and I mentioned it to my husband he would stop UNLESS the issue was MY issue and ridiculous. The problem here is your BF is kinda sorta taking on a "sobriety police" roll which is not the AA way. I don't see anything wrong with him having open dialogue with her - but she sounds like she has issues that would be best for him to steer clear of. Its really odd that she had a male sponsor in the first place - highly unusual, happens rarely.
My advise would be to approach him letting him know you are uncomfortable with it leaving her sobriety issues out of it. He's YOUR bf, he needs to deal with your concerns not put her problems ahead of them.
However, its not up to you to determine whom your BF is "friends" with or not. Its not up to you to decide "her" sobriety map, where she should be going, whom she should be talking to, when she should go to AA, or who she should choose as a sponsor.
If something made me uncomfortable, and I mentioned it to my husband he would stop UNLESS the issue was MY issue and ridiculous. The problem here is your BF is kinda sorta taking on a "sobriety police" roll which is not the AA way. I don't see anything wrong with him having open dialogue with her - but she sounds like she has issues that would be best for him to steer clear of. Its really odd that she had a male sponsor in the first place - highly unusual, happens rarely.
My advise would be to approach him letting him know you are uncomfortable with it leaving her sobriety issues out of it. He's YOUR bf, he needs to deal with your concerns not put her problems ahead of them.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
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this is so true.. sorry but to many red flags on so many fronts there.... she needs a lady and he should have a guy.. why cause kiddo they will be honest and not playing the rough edges... I am my Hubbies protector. ahahahh and he knows it.. have had a couple of old flames show up in the last years... one I had to get nasty with one was so drunk at a wedding I took her hubby aside and drew a line in the sand and said do it or regret the harm... and one well she has passed on.. feel bad for her kids... Eddie Lee gets shook when these old shall we say buddies of the past show up.. and I just watch from the side line like a good line coach and then step in. and take over.... maybe if you sat down with him and was very blunt and honest.. on what you are watching.. maybe.. kiddo it couldn't hurt..
Originally Posted by LeeJane
You asked for thoughts, mine are that there are red flags all over this. On both his side and hers. Lots of sick thinking.
She needs a female sponsor to support her in a detached way, not a guy that I expect she is enjoying the attention from. If she is indeed stressed that is the very time she needs meetings.
Your boyfriend needs to step away and focus on his own recovery, have a male sponsor as his support.
Alcohol gives a buzz to an A, when that buzz goes it is common to look for a buzz in another way, attraction to someone else being a very common one.
Speaking from my own experience, it will play out the way it will be. Addicts don't usually take any notice of people trying to talk sense.
Sorry you have this in your life. Hope my thoughts help a little.
She needs a female sponsor to support her in a detached way, not a guy that I expect she is enjoying the attention from. If she is indeed stressed that is the very time she needs meetings.
Your boyfriend needs to step away and focus on his own recovery, have a male sponsor as his support.
Alcohol gives a buzz to an A, when that buzz goes it is common to look for a buzz in another way, attraction to someone else being a very common one.
Speaking from my own experience, it will play out the way it will be. Addicts don't usually take any notice of people trying to talk sense.
Sorry you have this in your life. Hope my thoughts help a little.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Her first male sponsor may well have been hitting on her. It happens quite a bit.
I could see how your BF, as an advocate of AA, would want to help others realize the same benefits he has received. But if anything, her first experience should have made her WANT a female sponsor. It's also concerning that they're meeting in a private home and that she's not attending meetings.
It may be perfectly innocent, but it also could be that he is enjoying the attention subconsciously (who doesn't enjoy being looked up to?) and that she is grooming him as her support system. It's a very thin line between helping an alcoholic and enabling an alcoholic.
You might ask your boyfriend to talk to his sponsor about this. A good one will help set him straight, assuming this is a sincere attempt to help.
Accusations and reading him the riot act will probably backfire, IMO.
I could see how your BF, as an advocate of AA, would want to help others realize the same benefits he has received. But if anything, her first experience should have made her WANT a female sponsor. It's also concerning that they're meeting in a private home and that she's not attending meetings.
It may be perfectly innocent, but it also could be that he is enjoying the attention subconsciously (who doesn't enjoy being looked up to?) and that she is grooming him as her support system. It's a very thin line between helping an alcoholic and enabling an alcoholic.
You might ask your boyfriend to talk to his sponsor about this. A good one will help set him straight, assuming this is a sincere attempt to help.
Accusations and reading him the riot act will probably backfire, IMO.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I agree with Atlanta. There's nothing terribly wrong with men and women in AA encouraging and supporting each other, but when it drifts into more than that it's problematic for both people.
Still, how he manages his sobriety is his business, and who he talks to is his business, too. Examine your own feelings. Are you being unreasonably jealous, or is he truly neglecting your relationship? If the latter, then maybe you want to re-examine the relationship. Your feelings DO count, and if he cares about you he should make you as comfortable as he can without violating his own personal concerns about helping another suffering alcoholic.
Still, how he manages his sobriety is his business, and who he talks to is his business, too. Examine your own feelings. Are you being unreasonably jealous, or is he truly neglecting your relationship? If the latter, then maybe you want to re-examine the relationship. Your feelings DO count, and if he cares about you he should make you as comfortable as he can without violating his own personal concerns about helping another suffering alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Relationships are a two way street - a give and take. Sometimes, a person in recovery isn't quite able to function in that give and take relationship. It is up to us (individually) to set our standards of what we can and cannot accept in a relationship.
Wouldn't it be cool if it were that simple?
After the end of my relationship with an ABF, I could look back and easily see the point and time when I should have first left - when I stopped trusting him, and then gave him a chance to earn that trust back and he didn't even try. I spent a lot of time giving him opportunities to do this when I shouldn't have - if he were capable of being in an adult, functional relationship, he should have taken it upon himself to earn that trust back.
I know now that I can tell a partner when trust is broken, but I cannot tell him how to earn it back or that he should. That is up to him. If he doesn't try, then the relationship is over because you can't have a functional relationship without trust.
I write that because, as others have mentioned, it seems like you don't trust him. If that's the case, then it seems like he hasn't earned your trust back. Whether or not he's tried, it hasn't happened (and I have been in relationships where trust was irreparably broken).
In the situation of trust being broken, I would have to ask myself if that trust can be earned again, and if I realistically see that happening (and physically seeing that happening is part of that). If trust can be earned back, then an opportunity should be allowed. If not, then it may be time to move on.
Wouldn't it be cool if it were that simple?
After the end of my relationship with an ABF, I could look back and easily see the point and time when I should have first left - when I stopped trusting him, and then gave him a chance to earn that trust back and he didn't even try. I spent a lot of time giving him opportunities to do this when I shouldn't have - if he were capable of being in an adult, functional relationship, he should have taken it upon himself to earn that trust back.
I know now that I can tell a partner when trust is broken, but I cannot tell him how to earn it back or that he should. That is up to him. If he doesn't try, then the relationship is over because you can't have a functional relationship without trust.
I write that because, as others have mentioned, it seems like you don't trust him. If that's the case, then it seems like he hasn't earned your trust back. Whether or not he's tried, it hasn't happened (and I have been in relationships where trust was irreparably broken).
In the situation of trust being broken, I would have to ask myself if that trust can be earned again, and if I realistically see that happening (and physically seeing that happening is part of that). If trust can be earned back, then an opportunity should be allowed. If not, then it may be time to move on.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Look, he shouldn't be putting her needs ahead of your relationship. Period.
If you aren't comfortable,you aren't comfortable. Period.
In very early sobriety an older gentleman who I already knew with many years of sobriety saw me at my third meeting,gave me a big book,he AND his girlfriends phone numbers and set very clear boundaries which were:
No meeting alone at each other's houses,always meet in public or talk by phone if need be.
And he would sponsor me until I found a woman sponsor which I did a month later.
It worked out well with no weirdness. He gave me a hand up but at the same time steered me in the right direction, towards other FEMALES!
If you aren't comfortable,you aren't comfortable. Period.
In very early sobriety an older gentleman who I already knew with many years of sobriety saw me at my third meeting,gave me a big book,he AND his girlfriends phone numbers and set very clear boundaries which were:
No meeting alone at each other's houses,always meet in public or talk by phone if need be.
And he would sponsor me until I found a woman sponsor which I did a month later.
It worked out well with no weirdness. He gave me a hand up but at the same time steered me in the right direction, towards other FEMALES!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Jacksonville fl
Posts: 22
Thanks. I have been supportive of him for two years. We dated in high school and broke up! He searched for me and after 35 years we reconnected through facebook. We didn't see each other for 7 months but talked hours in the phone. I had gained a little weight and had always been thin. I felt self conscious. After seeing each other we only went forward full steam. We connected from day one and could finish and start each others sentences. He had went through one rehab and when he was released and hit the liquor store. He had a court ordered rehab and spent two months there. He doesn't have a pot to pee in but that didn't matter to me. I could look in his eyes and see the person he was destined to be. This is the only issue that is affecting our relationship is this female and all this has happened since Friday night. Feel this is very inappropriate . Maybe a little jealous thinking I am going to be replaced by the AA bond. I feel as I have been slapped in the face for loving him. I am going to read him all the comments tonight that I receive. If he still feels the same I am going to end our relationship. Thanks. I will help and support his sobriety but this is a big problem right now.
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