Ambuler

I just drove after finishing the bottom half of a 1.5 liter bottle of wine to get more beer.

Thanks be to God I made it home safely.

And I just looked at the pizza order I just submitted online and now realize the pizza I meant to be half Hawaiian and half chicken and spinach is actually half chicken and half ham, pineapple, and spinach. Yum.

God I just want this to be over.

I'm not posting this for sympathy or responses. I truly feel the absolute ridiculousness of this addiction to this liquid poison needs to be put out there.

I hate this.

least

If you drink and drive, you might hit a person instead of just a new low.

Upward2Enlightenment

I'm quoting what least said to help reinforce the danger of it.

Only you can choose to give up drinking. There are many here to offer helpful advice but ultimately the ball is in your court.

Best wishes

JK130

Whatcha got going to make 100% sure this never happens again?

Pour out the beer, then take the pizza and go to bed. Tomorrow, make it be over. You can do it.

Ambuler

Yes I realize that too.

Ambuler

I have done that and the next day gone and gotten more.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I have reached out to my therapist and hopefully he'll respond. But right now I'm lost. I just want to add my experience to the rest of the sad stories of the selfishness of alcoholism. I guess. I don't know.

Ugh.

Upward2Enlightenment

What goes through your mind before you decide to drink?

I will say that sobriety isn't easy at first but well worth it.

least

If you drink and drive again your life might be one of those 'sad stories'. People who kill others while driving drunk, never thought their evening out might end up with a long prison term.

I know a guy who killed a lady while he was driving drunk way too fast. He regrets it now, but can't change the past, can't bring the lady back to her family.

JK130

Have you thought about medical intervention? Are you alone? Is there someone else who can be in charge of the car keys while you get this sorted out? Are you safe from driving intoxicated right now? I know how hard it is to get and stay sober. There is so much going on to deal with. If you're home now, maybe a warm bath then an early to bed night?

uncorked

I couldn't stop buying wine, either. I wound up going to inpatient rehab -- something I balked at for years -- and I've been sober for 8 months. You write/type very well when you've been drinking so your tolerance must be pretty high. I know it's so very hard. You're scared of drinking and scared of not drinking. I can tell you that it is MUCH easier to maintain sobriety than I ever thought it would be. And life is much better as well. Take the step. Do what you need to do. If you don't like it, you can always go back to drinking.....

Ambuler

I appreciate the responses.

Yes I suppose my tolerance is pretty high. In my experience us alkies learn to adapt and hide our addiction pretty well. My husband is sitting next to me right now and has no idea that I've have as much as I have had to drink. I think he just knows I'm calm, which sober I would NOT be...

He has no idea I drove like that. If he did...

Since I am getting responses, how do you take that first step (even if it's the nth time) when you can't just stop everything and go through withdrawal???

I am so sorry I'm sounding like a pathetic pos.

There was a recent post that said to come back no matter what. Honestly that's why I'm here.

I don't know what else to do right now. I need insight I suppose.

Ambuler

Mostly that I don't want to feel the anxiety that is constantly gnawing at me. I'm sure it's the addiction talking. I've been to enough therapy and 12 step meetings to realize that.

I just can't seem to get over the hump and stay there. I made it a year once. But haven't been able to get more than 2 weeks since.

Steely

Come back no matter what. It's a learning curve and you have just taken the first step. Me, 6 months tomorrow, and though difficult so very worth it. Ugh, to alcohol.

2muchpain

Yes, keep coming back here no matter what. People here know what you're going through. And no; you don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like someone who is scared and is reaching out for help. Also, the truth is you will eventually have to stop everything and go through withdrawals. There's just no way around it. But I can honestly tell you, the sooner you deal with it the easier it will be. Maybe talk with your doctor about your options. If you're not comfortable with that, talk with someone at a detox or treatment center and see what they offer. You might be surprised at all the choices you have. Gotta do it Ambuler. Just no way around it. John

JK130

You do NOT sound like any kind of POS! Everyone's story is different, but for me, fear was part of why I quit drinking. I was afraid for my health and my future, but mostly afraid that I would be separated from my children. That thought makes me sick to my stomach even now.

As for the time it takes to go through withdrawal...health issues, relationship issues, work issues, and legal issues related to alcohol overuse all take tons of time. Currently you have choice of when and how to get sober. That won't be true if you drink and drive.

You mentioned your husband's reaction. Will he support your efforts to get healthy? That's helpful but nit required. Do you want to get sober? We're all here, on your side. We'll cheer for your successes and prop you up when things are tough. Hugs to you for reaching out tonight

Soberween

Where in Arizona are you? There are some great AA meetings in the Scottsdale and Cave Creek area. I know it probably sounds horrible to those who don't want to go the AA route (and I was one of them), but I truly love the meetings up here. There is a lot of joy and laughter in the rooms. Its hard to believe that we all have a life threatening disease sometimes. You'll need to do more than go to meetings to stay sober, but the fellowship can really be a gift from God in the early days and with time you can learn how you want to work your program. I haven't cried or felt lost in years.

Ambuler

Yes, I am scared! Will I never be able to stop? I cannot believe I drove like that. I don't do that EVER. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I let "king alcohol" lead the way...

Thank you guys so much. The last two responses made me cry. I know that those of you that made the point that I could have hurt someone other than myself are absolutely right, and I am also grateful that I didn't hurt anyone else either. When you're in this kind of state of mind, however, it's hard to see past your own nose....Part of me was tempting fate and kind of hoping I'd be pulled over, if that even makes sense...

Ambuler

I'm in Pinal County. I don't want to say exactly where because I want to stay as anonymous as possible. I've been considering trying a 12 step group again, I just got sort of ignored by a potential sponsor the last time I tried. Kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Seriously you guys have no idea how much you've helped. I was so so low.

This site is amazing.

Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully my counselor will respond and I can make a game plan.

SweatyHands

Speaking as someone who was a scrambled active alcoholic for a very long time, that makes total sense. There were times that I wanted to get pulled over, times that I wanted to have a horrible accident so that I could get detoxed at the hospital without having to go there specifically for that, and for about a year before I went to the hospital for detox, four years ago, I secretly hoped that I was walking in to an intervention everytime I opened a door. When you can't figure out how to stop the train, hoping for something to stop it for you makes a twisted kind of sense. But, the important thing is that you know that you want it to stop.

Discussing this with your counsellor is a great step to take. If withdrawal is a concern, the first thing to figure out is how you are going to detox safely--hopefully with medical supervision or advice. Then, having a sober support system that you can be open and honest with is a necessity. I can't stand meetings or 12 step programs, but I have several sober friends who are AA success stories. Having them, as well as other sober people who have other recovery methods, that I can talk to has been huge in getting sober again after my last relapse. Even just someone to have coffee with and talk about where you are is more helpful than you would think.

Keep running at sobriety. If you stop trying, you'll never get sober. But if you get back up and try again every time you fall, you always have the opportunity to stay sober.

Soberween

I understand. If you are ever up this way, Ambuler, please private message me. There is a great Friday night speaker's meeting where you wouldn't have to share or do anything other than just sit there and listen with 60 or so people who have felt exactly how you felt today.