bringm32lif30

I never stick to anything...I fell for everything. And that is the thing with me...I get more and more obsessed with the idea of moderation drinking that now when I work on myself I can get trough that, and I can drink without addictive behaviour....just time to time when I go out....
I believe this is denial...and my AV trying it's best to keep me locked in that scenario forever....I'm stuck in the past...
Alcohol is litteraly everywhere I look...books, movies, almost every social interactions. And I watch that fantasy that society creates for alcohol, people on fb having good time sharing photos of their fancy drinks at cool bars....
I know it is stupid, but I have nostalgia for time that I actually never had.
I'm a person easy to be influenced, and never had some solid oppinion on everything all my life...I always was that kind of person who crossed their boudaries, never stick to their values and I go against myself all my life....I don't know any better. I hadn't time to build a personality since I spend all my adult life numbing my real self and trying to escape from anything that was inside of me.
I don't know how and I'm afraid to connect with people....
It is a messed up post I know, I just want to talk it out....It is hard...I can't escape society that we live in, I can't live in a forest (no matter how I want to hee hee) I can't live isolated all my life. I don't know what excuses to use to people to not go out with them- If I tell them the truth they will tell me to "Just not to drink", but still meeting some people even without drink is trigger to me.... I don't want to be rude with them and I just don't answer their messages or don't pick up my phone...I'm thinking of changing my number...but I really don't want any call from the past at least for now.... I need to get stronger first, and to start a new begining, new life...because I see how easy I can be influenced and it is a matter of time to think again that I can drink in moderation If I just stop using alcohol as a crutch....
I really need isolation, but feel bad about it at the same time....what if I never past this phase and things get even worse?
There is a times when I'm so greatfull of being sober, and others when I full with fear......
Thanks for reading!
DAY 20

ZenLifter

Hey there bringm, I think you're doing great at 20 days. It's ok to be confused and talk things out. And I understand wanting to isolate, I really do. But I have found that ultimately it makes me feel worse, not better. Even just offering some words of encouragement on here can make a difference in my day. Just my own experience

Soberwolf

Grats on twenty days

NelsonChristine

I am so afraid that I will never be able to just quit drinking. I can get about 8 days in and then my alcoholic monster takes over. I hate that person and it is not who I am, I know I can do this but how when like you said alcohol ads are every where, in movies commercials and facebook as you pointed out. I have the want I just need the will power and a good sober group to attend. I hate asking for help and feel like I am bringing some one else down if I reach out to them since I really do not know them very well. I am a good person when I drink I am just reckless and I do not even recognize that person.

JK130

Welcome bringm and NelsonChristine Yes, you can do this. Yes, it's really hard at first. It gets easier to stay sober the longer you do it, and after awhile (definitely not right away for me) you feel better and better so you can get on with your lives. You deserve it!

Dee74

hey bringm32lif30

I never stuck to anything either - but I stuck to not drinking.
Me stopping drinking was vitally important to me, and my future.

If it takes a daily commitment to recovery, if it takes making changes in your life, then that's what it takes.

Don't listen to those thoughts that tell you you can't do this - you can

D

bringm32lif30

Thank you all, I feel a lot better today and decided to make my research on alcohol and social anxiety and I was surprised how many people are like me...
It might be fun to be a moderation drinker but I actually never was in a first palce...I started as a binge drinker using alcohol as a crutch.... I want freedom most of all!! This is a prison I build for myself for 10 years...and only I can set myself free. What I need is not to drink in control, but to stop giving my power to alcohol. I quit smoking too, also try to build more healthy relationship with food. I don't want any crutches in my life! I want health! I want real life!

Nonsensical

Don't look now, but you've taken a position and are making a stand.

Well done. You are doing this.