Iwishonstars777

I'm trying to let go. I know this might be or sound stupid but I let go of something that was a stressor and made me worry so much for many reasons. Awhile back I hijacked my af (or axf baby daddy whatever he is) facebook. I knew that when he did get on his Facebook he was always up to no good, mostly girls. A few days ago, I happened to check his fb and found an ex gf from high school had friend requested me. At this point, it made me nervous and jealous and ahhh! And then I decided I was going to muster up some courage and just give him his password. Funny because he asked for it today and I gave it to him. I just wrote it down and gave it to him, told him to change it and we didn't really discuss it any further.
However we talked later on the phone, and I'm so stupid to tell him if he wants to hook up with anyone he better think twice as to who it is...because if it's someone I know, or one of my friends, I'm going to be pissed and that's an obvious of us never having a future again. So, a part of me was trying to let go while another part wanted to hold onto him. I wish I never said that to him. I realize now that it was probably dumb. But done and over with..point is I gave him his password. Lol. I have yet to give him his/our phone (cheap only talk/text). There is nothing new on the phone and the next time I see him, I'll give it to him. So, while he's been gone, I've still been taking him to his Dr Apts and classes for the suboxone program he is on. I honestly can't wait until it's over and he completes it. He has maybe 2 weeks left, well see what the doc says tomorrow. I did agree to help him get to his apt and class because I want him to finish his program and I knew if I didnt, he'd just quit. So 3 times a week I'm driving about 80 miles round trip...in this scorching heat of the 110's (can you guess where I'm from..lol)...and I have the girls with me at least once a week. It has been so hectic but I know it will be over soon. He's still saying I love you...it's hard not to say it back because I do love him, just can't be with him anymore. (Anybody still tell their axh/f/bf they love them?) I do feel bad for him because he has family stuff going on and he's all depressed about it. I'm not sure how I can be there for him but not be with him. If that makes sense. Also, Ive bought him groceries. I don't know if what im doing is exactly the best thing but I really do care for him and if there's anything I'm going to help with, it will be food and Dr stuff. Not cash, not alcohol, drugs, etc... (except for cigs...ahh gosh). It's draining taking care of someone from afar. I did see his list of halfway houses that he called and had little notes next to. He also said he wanted to get a smart phone so he has Internet and can better find a job and all the perks of having a smart phone. Good for him, it seems he's realizing if he wants something, he's going to have to work to find a way to get it on his own. That makes me feel proud of him, something little but it's something. Right now, I feel better about what's happening. Still very unsure and uneasy of the future but I can't control that or him. Well just have to see and what is ment to be will be. It just sucks to see a person you've given your whole heart to in this position. And it also sucks that the person you've given your whole heart to has fd up so many things...and you still have compassion and the want and need to help them :/
Sorry about the long rant.
I was proud of myself for letting his stupid Facebook go and just wanted to share a little.

Hechosedrugs

I'm glad you're feeling optimistic. It does worry me a bit that you seem to be putting so much effort into his recovery. When you say you have to help him finish the program, otherwise he would quit, that makes me wonder how serious he is. An addict who is not putting every ounce of being into their recovery will likely relapse. But like I said, I'm glad you're feeling like progress is being made and that there is hope.

Be careful about taking control of his Facebook account- I'm not quite sure that's legal. And it doesn't sound too healthy, either. Personally, I refuse to have an account or date anyone with one. I don't find it a healthy place to hang out-it makes cheating all too easy, and is full of gossip, emotional outbursts, and people speaking far too freely. I noticed when I had an account that I was beginning to dislike people I'd been fond of before because they'd revealed parts of their inner psyche that they probably shouldn't have. Anyway, that's just me, but do be careful about accessing information that is his alone.

Queenbee7

It's such a good thing that you gave him his facebook password back and you should feel proud of that. I understand feeling like you "need" to have control of that piece of his life to keep your relationship safe, but if they are going to cheat, no matter what they will find a way.

I'm starting to really understand that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I have to "spy" on, second guess everything they say and do or babysit them OR else they will flirt, cheat or use.

I do know what it feels like to love someone so much and NOT be able to tell them that because if I did the toxic pattern of him promising, then leaving and using and me being "surprised" and devastated would go on and on and on.

It's like your walking over a frozen pond in the spring time thaw, your taking one careful step at a time forward never knowing when or if the surface your tip toeing on will break out from under you. That's what it feels like when we are with an addict trying to get sober, everything looks beautiful and promising BUT it's all very fragile still. SO keep your hope BUT please be careful.

And yes you did good. All it really takes is one brave step after another.

Bekindalways

Hey Iwish, here is another congrats on giving back the password. Definitely not healthy to take something like that and possibly not legal.

Keep breathing and detaching. If you are putting so much effort into his program and medical treatment then he probably isn't committed to it.

Have you been able to attend an alanon meeting?

Chino

Hijacking his FB was a control move, but doing it meant you were out of control. When you gave it back you regained your self control. That is no small thing! The more you continue to control yourself the less you'll want to control what doesn't belong to you.