An observation!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
An observation!
I have posted recently about how my AH quit for about 10 months. He didn't work any program or change any of his thinking patterns and attitudes. Then that he returned to daily drinking towards the end of May.
Just musing here and observing that he is no different when he drinks as to when he doesn't. I think the underlying issues are actually way bigger than the drinking.
When some of us first encounter an A, we make an assumption that if only they stopped drinking, our relationship with them would be fine. I feel this is often not the case. It really does depend on what is under the drinking.
The drinking is only the symptom, the surface.
Not that I recommend this, but my AH is actually a lot easier to be around when he is drinking.
Just wanted to share this thought about seeing what lies beneath.
I think in AA there is a saying along the lines of if a drunk horse thief sobers up, you get a sober horse thief.
Ok ------------ and back to me! I am doing well, working and loving my Al-anon program. Listening to the most uplifting of 12 step speaker vids on You Tube.
I have got several projects on the go which I am enjoying. Our home is serene, orderly and calm due to my fabulous boundaries.
Revamping my wardrobe and look at present. Healthily losing a little weight. Am back in red shoes with heels rather than the depressing sloppy flats I wear when I am down in the dumps.
Got check up booked with my doc in a week or so. Make sure everything working as it should be!
Very grateful for this forum.
Just musing here and observing that he is no different when he drinks as to when he doesn't. I think the underlying issues are actually way bigger than the drinking.
When some of us first encounter an A, we make an assumption that if only they stopped drinking, our relationship with them would be fine. I feel this is often not the case. It really does depend on what is under the drinking.
The drinking is only the symptom, the surface.
Not that I recommend this, but my AH is actually a lot easier to be around when he is drinking.
Just wanted to share this thought about seeing what lies beneath.
I think in AA there is a saying along the lines of if a drunk horse thief sobers up, you get a sober horse thief.
Ok ------------ and back to me! I am doing well, working and loving my Al-anon program. Listening to the most uplifting of 12 step speaker vids on You Tube.
I have got several projects on the go which I am enjoying. Our home is serene, orderly and calm due to my fabulous boundaries.
Revamping my wardrobe and look at present. Healthily losing a little weight. Am back in red shoes with heels rather than the depressing sloppy flats I wear when I am down in the dumps.
Got check up booked with my doc in a week or so. Make sure everything working as it should be!
Very grateful for this forum.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
When some of us first encounter an A, we make an assumption that if only they stopped drinking, our relationship with them would be fine.
That stuff turned out not to be true, as you point out.
A while ago, XAH told me that he has felt, for a very long time, that the less people knew about him, the better. He said that even as a very young child, he would carefully, quietly, secretly sneak cookies even tho he could most likely have had one if he'd asked. And as an adult, I've found him lying about things there was no reason whatsoever to lie about. He has enough self-awareness to know this about himself, and for many years, but doesn't seem inclined to change it.
So I'd say your observation/revelation is spot-on, at least from my experience.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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LeeJane- you have an amazing spirit and mindset! I am so happy to read your words and see (about someone I do not know a whit!) you taking care of yourself.
I think your observations are spot on, about all you wrote. I have long said that alcohol abuse is the symptom (even when I was still drinking, I knew this) and us alcoholics particular way of "treating" our [insert real problem(s)] here.
It sounds like you know your husband has to get sober for himself. I hope he does, and in the meantime that you keep setting those "fabulous boundaries"!
Happy Sunday (and I hope a nice Father's Day)!
I think your observations are spot on, about all you wrote. I have long said that alcohol abuse is the symptom (even when I was still drinking, I knew this) and us alcoholics particular way of "treating" our [insert real problem(s)] here.
It sounds like you know your husband has to get sober for himself. I hope he does, and in the meantime that you keep setting those "fabulous boundaries"!
Happy Sunday (and I hope a nice Father's Day)!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Oh, absolutely, LeeJane! This was absolutely my thinking for a very long time. It was why I myself didn't need to take any action--everything would be perfect if he'd just stop drinking. It was also why I couldn't make any changes of my own--I had to wait to see what he was going to do.
That stuff turned out not to be true, as you point out.
A while ago, XAH told me that he has felt, for a very long time, that the less people knew about him, the better. He said that even as a very young child, he would carefully, quietly, secretly sneak cookies even tho he could most likely have had one if he'd asked. And as an adult, I've found him lying about things there was no reason whatsoever to lie about. He has enough self-awareness to know this about himself, and for many years, but doesn't seem inclined to change it.
So I'd say your observation/revelation is spot-on, at least from my experience.
That stuff turned out not to be true, as you point out.
A while ago, XAH told me that he has felt, for a very long time, that the less people knew about him, the better. He said that even as a very young child, he would carefully, quietly, secretly sneak cookies even tho he could most likely have had one if he'd asked. And as an adult, I've found him lying about things there was no reason whatsoever to lie about. He has enough self-awareness to know this about himself, and for many years, but doesn't seem inclined to change it.
So I'd say your observation/revelation is spot-on, at least from my experience.
My AH lies about silly little things all the time too. Things that don't matter at all.
He just does it! It has become a running joke that I don't believe anything he says unless I confirm it from a separate source!
Originally Posted by August252015
LeeJane- you have an amazing spirit and mindset! I am so happy to read your words and see (about someone I do not know a whit!) you taking care of yourself.
I think your observations are spot on, about all you wrote. I have long said that alcohol abuse is the symptom (even when I was still drinking, I knew this) and us alcoholics particular way of "treating" our [insert real problem(s)] here.
It sounds like you know your husband has to get sober for himself. I hope he does, and in the meantime that you keep setting those "fabulous boundaries"!
Happy Sunday (and I hope a nice Father's Day)!
I think your observations are spot on, about all you wrote. I have long said that alcohol abuse is the symptom (even when I was still drinking, I knew this) and us alcoholics particular way of "treating" our [insert real problem(s)] here.
It sounds like you know your husband has to get sober for himself. I hope he does, and in the meantime that you keep setting those "fabulous boundaries"!
Happy Sunday (and I hope a nice Father's Day)!
When I drank I was self medicating depression, as far as I can tell. The real answer of course was to quit and to get the appropriate medication and treatment from my doctor. This I eventually did, and made the lifestyle, thinking pattern and behaviour changes.
Happy Sunday to you too.
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one thing I knew for a fact, and was amazed to read it in the big book of aa, is that alcohol was but a symptom. I had to get down to causes and conditions if I wanted to be sober and not just dry.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
one thing I knew for a fact, and was amazed to read it in the big book of aa, is that alcohol was but a symptom. I had to get down to causes and conditions if I wanted to be sober and not just dry.
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Russel Brand said about his addiction to Heroin, "Drugs are not the problem. Reality is the problem. Drugs are the solution."
He wrote a very powerful essay about addiction after Amy Winehouse died.
He wrote a very powerful essay about addiction after Amy Winehouse died.
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