Back together??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Sutton Bonington, Loughborough
Posts: 43
Back together??
Hi all,
Two years ago I met a wonderful woman (alcoholics always are when they're sober, right?) At that time I realised she had a drink problem but she promised to sort it out. In August 2014 we moved in together near Leicester. But the drinking didn't stop. At least 2-3 bottles of wine in an afternoon and evening. She would drink-drive and pick her young boy up from school while drunk. She has MS so does not work. The school's headmistress was supportive but came so close many times to calling social services. Her parents came to stay during the autumn and winter of 2014 to help out but was of little help. Roll onto February 2015, her parents paid for her to go into private rehab (Bayberry) for 6 weeks while I went into al-anon and worked on my co-dependencies. When she came out she relapsed immediately and it transpired she cheated on my while in rehab. I was utterly heart broken. She stayed at her parents for a couple of weeks (3 hrs away in Wiltshire) while we decided what we wanted to do next. We tried to make things work, I forgave her but by July 2015 her drinking was in full swing and I'd had enough and we separated. She moved back to her home town near her parents. We stayed in occasional touch but ultimately we both got on with our lives. In November 2015 I felt ready to start dating again, and did so. I had two short relationships between December 2015 and March 2016. It got me to realise that everyone has issues of one kind or another, I certainly do, and if you love that person enough then those issues can be dealt with (fairy tale maybe). I couldn't deny it any longer, I still loved my alcoholic ex. I got back in touch and she was still thinking about me too. So in May 2016, we went on a date. She was drinking but it seemed much more under control and I thought, this is not so bad. I think I was over-looking the drinking because it was great to be back in touch. We had a couple more dates and we're now in a long distance relationship (I'm in Leicester and she is in Bradford-on-Avon). I've spent nearly every other weekend with her and it was fantastic in the beginning, but her drinking has begun to affect me again and went to my first al-anon meeting on Thursday. I love her and can see us spending the rest of our days together if she gets sober. She wants me to move in with her but I can't do that while she's still actively drinking. I've told her that I need her to be sober for at least 6 months before I can consider it and she is now hurt. I've told her I want us both to have a serene future together. I've made the choice to go to al-anon to begin my journey to serenity, and she needs to decide to do the same, but she is hurt and angry that I've said that. Her text: "I'm so p****d off that you don't realise that's exactly what I want too". I'm seriously thinking that getting back together was a big mistake. Maybe I didn't choose my words correctly but I need to protect myself. I think this long distance relationship gives me the detachment I need and the chance for her to get on the road to recovery if she really wants us to work. That's up to her without any cajoling from me (though I have been guilty of that). I'll keep going to al-anon anyway. When she drinks my forehead tightens with stress and my legs get a build of energy as if they want to run away. Without the drink, she is genuinely perfection and I'll love her always no matter what actually happens. Thank you for reading. Any words of wisdom would be most welcome.
Two years ago I met a wonderful woman (alcoholics always are when they're sober, right?) At that time I realised she had a drink problem but she promised to sort it out. In August 2014 we moved in together near Leicester. But the drinking didn't stop. At least 2-3 bottles of wine in an afternoon and evening. She would drink-drive and pick her young boy up from school while drunk. She has MS so does not work. The school's headmistress was supportive but came so close many times to calling social services. Her parents came to stay during the autumn and winter of 2014 to help out but was of little help. Roll onto February 2015, her parents paid for her to go into private rehab (Bayberry) for 6 weeks while I went into al-anon and worked on my co-dependencies. When she came out she relapsed immediately and it transpired she cheated on my while in rehab. I was utterly heart broken. She stayed at her parents for a couple of weeks (3 hrs away in Wiltshire) while we decided what we wanted to do next. We tried to make things work, I forgave her but by July 2015 her drinking was in full swing and I'd had enough and we separated. She moved back to her home town near her parents. We stayed in occasional touch but ultimately we both got on with our lives. In November 2015 I felt ready to start dating again, and did so. I had two short relationships between December 2015 and March 2016. It got me to realise that everyone has issues of one kind or another, I certainly do, and if you love that person enough then those issues can be dealt with (fairy tale maybe). I couldn't deny it any longer, I still loved my alcoholic ex. I got back in touch and she was still thinking about me too. So in May 2016, we went on a date. She was drinking but it seemed much more under control and I thought, this is not so bad. I think I was over-looking the drinking because it was great to be back in touch. We had a couple more dates and we're now in a long distance relationship (I'm in Leicester and she is in Bradford-on-Avon). I've spent nearly every other weekend with her and it was fantastic in the beginning, but her drinking has begun to affect me again and went to my first al-anon meeting on Thursday. I love her and can see us spending the rest of our days together if she gets sober. She wants me to move in with her but I can't do that while she's still actively drinking. I've told her that I need her to be sober for at least 6 months before I can consider it and she is now hurt. I've told her I want us both to have a serene future together. I've made the choice to go to al-anon to begin my journey to serenity, and she needs to decide to do the same, but she is hurt and angry that I've said that. Her text: "I'm so p****d off that you don't realise that's exactly what I want too". I'm seriously thinking that getting back together was a big mistake. Maybe I didn't choose my words correctly but I need to protect myself. I think this long distance relationship gives me the detachment I need and the chance for her to get on the road to recovery if she really wants us to work. That's up to her without any cajoling from me (though I have been guilty of that). I'll keep going to al-anon anyway. When she drinks my forehead tightens with stress and my legs get a build of energy as if they want to run away. Without the drink, she is genuinely perfection and I'll love her always no matter what actually happens. Thank you for reading. Any words of wisdom would be most welcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sweetie, she's still drinking.
period.
nothing has changed.
i'm sure she is a lovely person sober.....but she isn't STAYING sober. she is preventing all that loveliness from being revealed.
at least you are long distance. and have not committed to anything irreversible. it's ok to have tried again, and it's ok if the result ends up the same. you'll know when it's time........
period.
nothing has changed.
i'm sure she is a lovely person sober.....but she isn't STAYING sober. she is preventing all that loveliness from being revealed.
at least you are long distance. and have not committed to anything irreversible. it's ok to have tried again, and it's ok if the result ends up the same. you'll know when it's time........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
id give ya words of wisdom, but you already know what ya have to do for YOU.
either that or keep hearing the circus music.
p.s.
she allowed herself to feel the way she does for you being honest. her feelings andbeing hurt are on her( probably because she knows what ya said is the truth), not you.
either that or keep hearing the circus music.
p.s.
she allowed herself to feel the way she does for you being honest. her feelings andbeing hurt are on her( probably because she knows what ya said is the truth), not you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Hey Ch76, you sound like a very wise person. You are doing exactly the right thing setting the boundary of not moving in together. I so hope you can keep it.
Folks around here say that if you want to see how far along an alcoholic is in recovery, set a boundary and see how they react. Given that your girlfriend is still using, it is not surprise that her reaction was not great.
Strength and courage to you. Let us know how it goes.
Folks around here say that if you want to see how far along an alcoholic is in recovery, set a boundary and see how they react. Given that your girlfriend is still using, it is not surprise that her reaction was not great.
Strength and courage to you. Let us know how it goes.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi 76, I think you know what has to be done. Your AGF hasn't stopped drinking, and for us (As) it's a deal-breaker. If you did move in the flush of hormones and good behaviour that we always show at the beginning of a relationship would die down quickly; in fact that process has already started.
I suppose the question for you is are you strong enough to push through the feelings you have for her, and what she gives you, and look at the long term picture. She's not thinking of sobriety at all and she's honest enough to tell you that.
I suppose the question for you is are you strong enough to push through the feelings you have for her, and what she gives you, and look at the long term picture. She's not thinking of sobriety at all and she's honest enough to tell you that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Sutton Bonington, Loughborough
Posts: 43
Hi all,
Well, I'm a single man again and can't really say I'm sorry about it. I was obviously in some kind of funk. She wanted me to move down to Bradford-on-Avon this year from Leicester but with the age my kids are that live in the midlands, and having a stable job particularly after Brexit, and a couple of debts I'd need to clear first I said 4 to 5 years. But that wasn't good enough for her. She needs someone to make her happy rather than working on her own happiness. So we mutually decided to end it. We had some good times but she's still drinking and our conversations made it clear that she wanted me to dance to her tune without any regard for my circumstances. I best restart working on myself so I don't fall into the same narcissists trap again with someone else in the future. Time for some me-time for a while. I'm taking my kids to Dawlish next week for a well deserved holiday. Thanks for reading, you're all brilliant !
Well, I'm a single man again and can't really say I'm sorry about it. I was obviously in some kind of funk. She wanted me to move down to Bradford-on-Avon this year from Leicester but with the age my kids are that live in the midlands, and having a stable job particularly after Brexit, and a couple of debts I'd need to clear first I said 4 to 5 years. But that wasn't good enough for her. She needs someone to make her happy rather than working on her own happiness. So we mutually decided to end it. We had some good times but she's still drinking and our conversations made it clear that she wanted me to dance to her tune without any regard for my circumstances. I best restart working on myself so I don't fall into the same narcissists trap again with someone else in the future. Time for some me-time for a while. I'm taking my kids to Dawlish next week for a well deserved holiday. Thanks for reading, you're all brilliant !
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