Checking in...
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Checking in...
It's been a while since I've checked in here, but I've been reading off and on over the last few months. I love that there are always people here willing to help newbies even if we don't end up sticking around full-time for long!
Things are generally going well for me and my family now. I'm just feeling a bit down lately and feeling like I need to get back into some of the self-care habits that helped me so much when I was in crisis this past winter. My recovering addict partner (RAP) celebrated 6 months sober this week. It's been a solid 6 months, no slips, and some real and deep changes in her thinking and habits. I am grateful and optimistic about her chances this time around.
For me, I have made some healthy changes in my life and feeling pretty good overall, but summertime has always been a trigger for depression. I still go to Al-Anon meetings twice a week and see my therapist every couple of weeks, but I feel like I've let myself slip back into some old habits and thoughts that aren't helpful. I'm wondering if I might be having a little bit of PTSD going on from our last period of crisis? I find myself thinking about some of the worst moments a lot lately and having anxiety hit me about really minor things. Like, I had a meltdown the other morning because I couldn't find the sweater I wanted to wear to work! I talked to my doctor and started on an anti-depressant and am trying to see how I can work a couple more Al-Anon meetings into my schedule.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? After the initial period of getting life back together, you feel like you're slipping backwards again? I suppose it isn't much different than the recovery experience of alcoholics!
Things are generally going well for me and my family now. I'm just feeling a bit down lately and feeling like I need to get back into some of the self-care habits that helped me so much when I was in crisis this past winter. My recovering addict partner (RAP) celebrated 6 months sober this week. It's been a solid 6 months, no slips, and some real and deep changes in her thinking and habits. I am grateful and optimistic about her chances this time around.
For me, I have made some healthy changes in my life and feeling pretty good overall, but summertime has always been a trigger for depression. I still go to Al-Anon meetings twice a week and see my therapist every couple of weeks, but I feel like I've let myself slip back into some old habits and thoughts that aren't helpful. I'm wondering if I might be having a little bit of PTSD going on from our last period of crisis? I find myself thinking about some of the worst moments a lot lately and having anxiety hit me about really minor things. Like, I had a meltdown the other morning because I couldn't find the sweater I wanted to wear to work! I talked to my doctor and started on an anti-depressant and am trying to see how I can work a couple more Al-Anon meetings into my schedule.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? After the initial period of getting life back together, you feel like you're slipping backwards again? I suppose it isn't much different than the recovery experience of alcoholics!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi there, So happy to hear that things are working out.
For your question here, I don't know if my experience is the same as yours, since I had to leave. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I can only talk about sometimes when things calmed down while I was married and after my divorce.
You said your partner has not been drinking, I guess since rehab. I think the way I would have felt then was that most times, I would have still felt like I was "walking on eggshells". So my adrenaline level, and anxiety would still have been up. Always wondering and waiting for "the next time". I don't know if it was because I needed drama in my life, or whatever, I was just use to it being there. After my divorce, I was hypervigilent for a long time. When I started to calm down and trust again, it felt weird to me. It was like I needed something, anything to get my adrenaline going again. I have now gotten over that, and it's nice to feel relaxed.
I do hope everything works out for you and your family. Thank you for the update.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
For your question here, I don't know if my experience is the same as yours, since I had to leave. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I can only talk about sometimes when things calmed down while I was married and after my divorce.
You said your partner has not been drinking, I guess since rehab. I think the way I would have felt then was that most times, I would have still felt like I was "walking on eggshells". So my adrenaline level, and anxiety would still have been up. Always wondering and waiting for "the next time". I don't know if it was because I needed drama in my life, or whatever, I was just use to it being there. After my divorce, I was hypervigilent for a long time. When I started to calm down and trust again, it felt weird to me. It was like I needed something, anything to get my adrenaline going again. I have now gotten over that, and it's nice to feel relaxed.
I do hope everything works out for you and your family. Thank you for the update.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
So good to hear from you Findingme! Congrats on continuing to go to alanon and digging deep to get healthy.
I hope you find the antidepressants helpful. I'm a lifer on paxil and it has helped me deeply.
My situation was so different than yours that I don't have any thoughts on PTSD. I will just send you an ehug!
I hope you find the antidepressants helpful. I'm a lifer on paxil and it has helped me deeply.
My situation was so different than yours that I don't have any thoughts on PTSD. I will just send you an ehug!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think you just have to give it more time. I am so happy to hear she is making improvement.
She didn't go down the drain overnight consequently you won't trust her overnight either. 6 months is not a long time most likely in the span in which you dealt with her addiction.
Stick around, we missed you!
She didn't go down the drain overnight consequently you won't trust her overnight either. 6 months is not a long time most likely in the span in which you dealt with her addiction.
Stick around, we missed you!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi findingme, I was treated for PTSD years ago and it did help. Whether you yourself suffer from it, or it's an understandable awareness of what can go wrong is probably something only a trained person can diagnose.
You're giving your recovery the best chance in the world by your therapy and meetings, so congratulations on that. Have you considered confiding in your RAW about the anxiety? I'm not sure if your relationship has returned to that level, but trying to keep it bottled in can cause misunderstandings and if your wife knows why you occasionally go off it may be less damaging.
Re anxiety: when you feel it coming on, or your temper surfaces, try taking 5 deep slow breaths, concentrating on the way your body moves. I've used this as a recovery tool (cravings triggered by anxiety) and it rarely fails. You can do it anywhere without attracting attention.
All the best in yours and your wife's recovery.
You're giving your recovery the best chance in the world by your therapy and meetings, so congratulations on that. Have you considered confiding in your RAW about the anxiety? I'm not sure if your relationship has returned to that level, but trying to keep it bottled in can cause misunderstandings and if your wife knows why you occasionally go off it may be less damaging.
Re anxiety: when you feel it coming on, or your temper surfaces, try taking 5 deep slow breaths, concentrating on the way your body moves. I've used this as a recovery tool (cravings triggered by anxiety) and it rarely fails. You can do it anywhere without attracting attention.
All the best in yours and your wife's recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
So good to hear from you Findingme! Congrats on continuing to go to alanon and digging deep to get healthy.
I hope you find the antidepressants helpful. I'm a lifer on paxil and it has helped me deeply.
My situation was so different than yours that I don't have any thoughts on PTSD. I will just send you an ehug!
I hope you find the antidepressants helpful. I'm a lifer on paxil and it has helped me deeply.
My situation was so different than yours that I don't have any thoughts on PTSD. I will just send you an ehug!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by amy55
Hi there, So happy to hear that things are working out.
For your question here, I don't know if my experience is the same as yours, since I had to leave. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I can only talk about sometimes when things calmed down while I was married and after my divorce.
You said your partner has not been drinking, I guess since rehab. I think the way I would have felt then was that most times, I would have still felt like I was "walking on eggshells". So my adrenaline level, and anxiety would still have been up. Always wondering and waiting for "the next time". I don't know if it was because I needed drama in my life, or whatever, I was just use to it being there. After my divorce, I was hypervigilent for a long time. When I started to calm down and trust again, it felt weird to me. It was like I needed something, anything to get my adrenaline going again. I have now gotten over that, and it's nice to feel relaxed.
I do hope everything works out for you and your family. Thank you for the update.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
For your question here, I don't know if my experience is the same as yours, since I had to leave. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I can only talk about sometimes when things calmed down while I was married and after my divorce.
You said your partner has not been drinking, I guess since rehab. I think the way I would have felt then was that most times, I would have still felt like I was "walking on eggshells". So my adrenaline level, and anxiety would still have been up. Always wondering and waiting for "the next time". I don't know if it was because I needed drama in my life, or whatever, I was just use to it being there. After my divorce, I was hypervigilent for a long time. When I started to calm down and trust again, it felt weird to me. It was like I needed something, anything to get my adrenaline going again. I have now gotten over that, and it's nice to feel relaxed.
I do hope everything works out for you and your family. Thank you for the update.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi findingme, I was treated for PTSD years ago and it did help. Whether you yourself suffer from it, or it's an understandable awareness of what can go wrong is probably something only a trained person can diagnose.
You're giving your recovery the best chance in the world by your therapy and meetings, so congratulations on that. Have you considered confiding in your RAW about the anxiety? I'm not sure if your relationship has returned to that level, but trying to keep it bottled in can cause misunderstandings and if your wife knows why you occasionally go off it may be less damaging.
Re anxiety: when you feel it coming on, or your temper surfaces, try taking 5 deep slow breaths, concentrating on the way your body moves. I've used this as a recovery tool (cravings triggered by anxiety) and it rarely fails. You can do it anywhere without attracting attention.
All the best in yours and your wife's recovery.
You're giving your recovery the best chance in the world by your therapy and meetings, so congratulations on that. Have you considered confiding in your RAW about the anxiety? I'm not sure if your relationship has returned to that level, but trying to keep it bottled in can cause misunderstandings and if your wife knows why you occasionally go off it may be less damaging.
Re anxiety: when you feel it coming on, or your temper surfaces, try taking 5 deep slow breaths, concentrating on the way your body moves. I've used this as a recovery tool (cravings triggered by anxiety) and it rarely fails. You can do it anywhere without attracting attention.
All the best in yours and your wife's recovery.
I have talked to RAP about what's going on with me and how I'm feeling. Actually, her responses and support of me during this time are one of the things that shows me she really is in her "right mind" now. She's understanding and giving me support but space if I need it to figure my own stuff out. She's also completely taken responsibility for her actions and expressed remorse for all the hurt she caused. This is the caring, empathetic person that I married. She also is not making any grand promises or taking her sobriety for granted which is encouraging as well.
I appreciate the tip on dealing with anxiety! I do feel just like a bubbling up wave washes over me and I want to yell and scream or hide in bed and pull the covers over my head. I have done some meditation in the past that has helped me get more in tune with my body, maybe I should pull some of those recordings out and try it again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I think you just have to give it more time. I am so happy to hear she is making improvement.
She didn't go down the drain overnight consequently you won't trust her overnight either. 6 months is not a long time most likely in the span in which you dealt with her addiction.
Stick around, we missed you!
She didn't go down the drain overnight consequently you won't trust her overnight either. 6 months is not a long time most likely in the span in which you dealt with her addiction.
Stick around, we missed you!
I'm not completely trusting of her yet. We're still keeping our finances separated for now and we haven't resumed any talk of having her adopt the kids. I know that this isn't really reliable until we've hit a year or more, and even then, who knows? But I think the relative calm we're in right now is just along my guard to come down a bit and now I'm processing stuff. Now it's safer to process some of this with her too, because I know she's actually being honest with me.
I'm a bit bummed though, now that I'm actually eating normally again I've put back on about 10 of the 25lbs I lost over all this! Ha ha!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yep - this was when I started to really experience a lot of anxiety & sometimes repressed anger. I was just starting to find/see/understand some of my triggers even though we'd been in this process for months.
6 months is not that long, as you all pointed out, but it's also enough time to start feeling like you *should* be somewhere else. You involuntarily relax a bit at times & the more positive things are going the more confusing it sometimes gets because you aren't sure how to proceed in that without becoming vulnerable again.
For me, I felt like I was being pulled in 2 different directions. I was blown away to learn so much about past lies & manipulations that it was shocking even while I was happy he was finally opening up. It was a real double edged sword & it was hard not to feel incredibly foolish about a lot of it. Seeing how much I never understood even while I was trying so hard showed me how wasted my efforts really were though - that was the learning lesson in it for me - the complete realization that no matter what, if he was determined to relapse & get away with it, he could & likely would for a while. I REALLY understood the limits of control, acceptance, etc. & that was like a huge slice of Humble Pie.
I found it important to revisit my boundaries - did they need to be redefined now with new information/circumstances? Did I simply need to add more/different ones now that I knew more? Where was I feeling vulnerable & how could I protect myself & allow myself to proceed in growing? Where was that magic point of really Letting Go & how would I know when I'd/we'd gotten there? How do I STAY on my side of the street now that we are at a different point?
Working my program, continuing to heal my issues around & outside of RAH was important. Meditation was/is irreplaceable because it's helps me to stay clear-headed & patient, simply by keeping up with a regular practice. I lean on that in moments of stress & stop my own over/bad reactions often. (like your sweater example - that screams "repressed control issue coming out the sides" to me)
What do you for yourself do outside of Al-Anon & therapy? Not that those aren't wonderful, but I think that our recovery programs need to progress just as we do.... and of course, that means different things for different people. For some it might mean just sharing more, asking more questions, developing more one-on-one contact within the groups they already attend. For others it means adding more non-recovery social activities (for us, that also included non-drinking couples activities), more creative outlets, whatever.
I think it's very easy to get complacent in our recoveries without realizing it or meaning for it to happen - we're just so used to operating in/around a state of crisis that it can be hard to know how to proceed in it's absence.
6 months is not that long, as you all pointed out, but it's also enough time to start feeling like you *should* be somewhere else. You involuntarily relax a bit at times & the more positive things are going the more confusing it sometimes gets because you aren't sure how to proceed in that without becoming vulnerable again.
For me, I felt like I was being pulled in 2 different directions. I was blown away to learn so much about past lies & manipulations that it was shocking even while I was happy he was finally opening up. It was a real double edged sword & it was hard not to feel incredibly foolish about a lot of it. Seeing how much I never understood even while I was trying so hard showed me how wasted my efforts really were though - that was the learning lesson in it for me - the complete realization that no matter what, if he was determined to relapse & get away with it, he could & likely would for a while. I REALLY understood the limits of control, acceptance, etc. & that was like a huge slice of Humble Pie.
I found it important to revisit my boundaries - did they need to be redefined now with new information/circumstances? Did I simply need to add more/different ones now that I knew more? Where was I feeling vulnerable & how could I protect myself & allow myself to proceed in growing? Where was that magic point of really Letting Go & how would I know when I'd/we'd gotten there? How do I STAY on my side of the street now that we are at a different point?
Working my program, continuing to heal my issues around & outside of RAH was important. Meditation was/is irreplaceable because it's helps me to stay clear-headed & patient, simply by keeping up with a regular practice. I lean on that in moments of stress & stop my own over/bad reactions often. (like your sweater example - that screams "repressed control issue coming out the sides" to me)
What do you for yourself do outside of Al-Anon & therapy? Not that those aren't wonderful, but I think that our recovery programs need to progress just as we do.... and of course, that means different things for different people. For some it might mean just sharing more, asking more questions, developing more one-on-one contact within the groups they already attend. For others it means adding more non-recovery social activities (for us, that also included non-drinking couples activities), more creative outlets, whatever.
I think it's very easy to get complacent in our recoveries without realizing it or meaning for it to happen - we're just so used to operating in/around a state of crisis that it can be hard to know how to proceed in it's absence.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Too late to edit & add this to my post, but you might find this older thread interesting, I remembered discussing this dynamic here before:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-marriage.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-marriage.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It was my experience that the anxiety for the most part calmed while he was in recovery and working a program. But the anxiety tides were always high or low but never totally went away. Manageable during low tide but once that high tide hit………when he was late, or when he contradicted himself or when his story just didn’t seem right or he was short on money, disappeared and wasn't answering his phone is when that high tide could turn into a tsunami. I was going to al-anon, I was coming here but the anxiety just never went away no matter how much clean/sober time he had or how many al-anon meetings I went to. The tsunamis were less and less the more I focused on controlling my own thoughts, staying on my side of the street but I couldn’t ignore my gut instincts which would always lead me to investigate them which would then lead me to discovering drug use again.
It was a cycle that I decided I no longer wanted to live. Today I live anxiety free no more highs or lows walking on eggshells feeling that pit of anxiety in my stomach.
It’s a very personal decision for all of us on living with induced anxiety brought on by living with an addict. Many can overcome it many cannot.
It was a cycle that I decided I no longer wanted to live. Today I live anxiety free no more highs or lows walking on eggshells feeling that pit of anxiety in my stomach.
It’s a very personal decision for all of us on living with induced anxiety brought on by living with an addict. Many can overcome it many cannot.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you're right where you're supposed to be. 
I used to HATE it when my sponsor used to say that, but it's true. Recovery isn't linear--not for us family/friends, and not for the alcoholic/addict.
It sounds as if you are both doing a lot of growing, and the end result is always healthy, even if it doesn't look exactly the way you imagined it would. Keep doing what you're doing--I can see your progress!
I used to HATE it when my sponsor used to say that, but it's true. Recovery isn't linear--not for us family/friends, and not for the alcoholic/addict. It sounds as if you are both doing a lot of growing, and the end result is always healthy, even if it doesn't look exactly the way you imagined it would. Keep doing what you're doing--I can see your progress!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Yep - this was when I started to really experience a lot of anxiety & sometimes repressed anger. I was just starting to find/see/understand some of my triggers even though we'd been in this process for months.
6 months is not that long, as you all pointed out, but it's also enough time to start feeling like you *should* be somewhere else. You involuntarily relax a bit at times & the more positive things are going the more confusing it sometimes gets because you aren't sure how to proceed in that without becoming vulnerable again.
For me, I felt like I was being pulled in 2 different directions. I was blown away to learn so much about past lies & manipulations that it was shocking even while I was happy he was finally opening up. It was a real double edged sword & it was hard not to feel incredibly foolish about a lot of it. Seeing how much I never understood even while I was trying so hard showed me how wasted my efforts really were though - that was the learning lesson in it for me - the complete realization that no matter what, if he was determined to relapse & get away with it, he could & likely would for a while. I REALLY understood the limits of control, acceptance, etc. & that was like a huge slice of Humble Pie.
I found it important to revisit my boundaries - did they need to be redefined now with new information/circumstances? Did I simply need to add more/different ones now that I knew more? Where was I feeling vulnerable & how could I protect myself & allow myself to proceed in growing? Where was that magic point of really Letting Go & how would I know when I'd/we'd gotten there? How do I STAY on my side of the street now that we are at a different point?
Working my program, continuing to heal my issues around & outside of RAH was important. Meditation was/is irreplaceable because it's helps me to stay clear-headed & patient, simply by keeping up with a regular practice. I lean on that in moments of stress & stop my own over/bad reactions often. (like your sweater example - that screams "repressed control issue coming out the sides" to me)
What do you for yourself do outside of Al-Anon & therapy? Not that those aren't wonderful, but I think that our recovery programs need to progress just as we do.... and of course, that means different things for different people. For some it might mean just sharing more, asking more questions, developing more one-on-one contact within the groups they already attend. For others it means adding more non-recovery social activities (for us, that also included non-drinking couples activities), more creative outlets, whatever.
I think it's very easy to get complacent in our recoveries without realizing it or meaning for it to happen - we're just so used to operating in/around a state of crisis that it can be hard to know how to proceed in it's absence.
6 months is not that long, as you all pointed out, but it's also enough time to start feeling like you *should* be somewhere else. You involuntarily relax a bit at times & the more positive things are going the more confusing it sometimes gets because you aren't sure how to proceed in that without becoming vulnerable again.
For me, I felt like I was being pulled in 2 different directions. I was blown away to learn so much about past lies & manipulations that it was shocking even while I was happy he was finally opening up. It was a real double edged sword & it was hard not to feel incredibly foolish about a lot of it. Seeing how much I never understood even while I was trying so hard showed me how wasted my efforts really were though - that was the learning lesson in it for me - the complete realization that no matter what, if he was determined to relapse & get away with it, he could & likely would for a while. I REALLY understood the limits of control, acceptance, etc. & that was like a huge slice of Humble Pie.
I found it important to revisit my boundaries - did they need to be redefined now with new information/circumstances? Did I simply need to add more/different ones now that I knew more? Where was I feeling vulnerable & how could I protect myself & allow myself to proceed in growing? Where was that magic point of really Letting Go & how would I know when I'd/we'd gotten there? How do I STAY on my side of the street now that we are at a different point?
Working my program, continuing to heal my issues around & outside of RAH was important. Meditation was/is irreplaceable because it's helps me to stay clear-headed & patient, simply by keeping up with a regular practice. I lean on that in moments of stress & stop my own over/bad reactions often. (like your sweater example - that screams "repressed control issue coming out the sides" to me)
What do you for yourself do outside of Al-Anon & therapy? Not that those aren't wonderful, but I think that our recovery programs need to progress just as we do.... and of course, that means different things for different people. For some it might mean just sharing more, asking more questions, developing more one-on-one contact within the groups they already attend. For others it means adding more non-recovery social activities (for us, that also included non-drinking couples activities), more creative outlets, whatever.
I think it's very easy to get complacent in our recoveries without realizing it or meaning for it to happen - we're just so used to operating in/around a state of crisis that it can be hard to know how to proceed in it's absence.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Sounds like you're right where you're supposed to be. I used to HATE it when my sponsor used to say that, but it's true. Recovery isn't linear--not for us family/friends, and not for the alcoholic/addict.
It sounds as if you are both doing a lot of growing, and the end result is always healthy, even if it doesn't look exactly the way you imagined it would. Keep doing what you're doing--I can see your progress!
I used to HATE it when my sponsor used to say that, but it's true. Recovery isn't linear--not for us family/friends, and not for the alcoholic/addict. It sounds as if you are both doing a lot of growing, and the end result is always healthy, even if it doesn't look exactly the way you imagined it would. Keep doing what you're doing--I can see your progress!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by atalose
It was my experience that the anxiety for the most part calmed while he was in recovery and working a program. But the anxiety tides were always high or low but never totally went away. Manageable during low tide but once that high tide hit………when he was late, or when he contradicted himself or when his story just didn’t seem right or he was short on money, disappeared and wasn't answering his phone is when that high tide could turn into a tsunami. I was going to al-anon, I was coming here but the anxiety just never went away no matter how much clean/sober time he had or how many al-anon meetings I went to. The tsunamis were less and less the more I focused on controlling my own thoughts, staying on my side of the street but I couldn’t ignore my gut instincts which would always lead me to investigate them which would then lead me to discovering drug use again.
It was a cycle that I decided I no longer wanted to live. Today I live anxiety free no more highs or lows walking on eggshells feeling that pit of anxiety in my stomach.
It’s a very personal decision for all of us on living with induced anxiety brought on by living with an addict. Many can overcome it many cannot.
It was a cycle that I decided I no longer wanted to live. Today I live anxiety free no more highs or lows walking on eggshells feeling that pit of anxiety in my stomach.
It’s a very personal decision for all of us on living with induced anxiety brought on by living with an addict. Many can overcome it many cannot.
I don't feel at this point that my anxiety is stemming from my RAP's behaviors. I don't feel the need to check her phone or snoop around, which is huge because that was a major issue for me before. I think it's more that we haven't really had any further discussion about what happened and the events of the fall. It's been kind of an unspoken truce that we just haven't gone back there together yet. But it's definitely created a wall between us that keeps us at arms length. I'm hurting a bit from the lack of intimacy, but she feels so much shame and guilt about her behaviors that she is scared to get too close. I hope I am able to be patient enough for us to work through it.
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Originally Posted by atalose
but I couldn’t ignore my gut instincts which would always lead me to investigate them which would then lead me to discovering drug use again.
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