mermaidgirl

I really didn't want to post (really), but as I read through the threads, I realized maybe this situation will resonate and help another.

My boyfriend-is going through a divorce from his AW. Children (4 in total) are well adjusted, except for the youngest who is 19 and is an enabled, spoiled boy. As the days get closer to closing on the house, my BF and his son need to 'move on', BF buckles when it is clear that AS needs to move OUT and be on his OWN.

So, you may be wondering, what is really the problem? The problem is the BF...AS is on probation, has stolen beer from two local grocery stores (he has restraining order from the stores now), crashed two cars...has had the police show up at 2am...but the latest was last weekend. He went 'camping' with his buddies. I told BF that is code word for party in the mountains. And, party he did. He came home at 10:30 am the next day-drunk and vomiting. BF helped...or so he thought while AS raged at his father with verbal abuse.

I thought there was hope. BF had decided that was finally it-he rented an apartment temporarily downtown, near me so we could start moving forward...but WAIT, what will happen to the AS? Who will take him for his UAs? (and pay for them) Who will take him to probation meetings and therapy? In a tearful phone call from BF after AS came home, he decided it was enough and so my roller coaster went up for a moment.

The enabler reared it's ugly head and in this past week, BF has transferred the apt rental to something closer to where he lived (and added a bedroom-to a 2BR apt so AS can move in). He took AS to see the new apt...showed him the beautiful pool...and the sleek cooking area....

I've been there. Had a AH (my BF is not at all, but his mother and STB ex-spouse is) and his son was an addict. I am SO tired of the enabler in between...I have no fight in me. I love this guy...but the enabling is driving me nuts. I now just shut my mouth-and he noticed last night. I simply said, "I have nothing to add"...

Thanks for listening...

Mermaidgirl.

Refiner

Sounds exhausting, Mermaid. At least you see it for what it is and know you don't have to board that roller coaster if you don't want to.

Ariesagain

You're getting a package deal, you know that, and if it's going to drive you crazy being in this threesome, maybe it's time to move on?

My DH's three adult kids were nearly the breaking of us and they live five states away and none of them are addicts. But they played on his guilt for years for moving out of state for a better job and largely ignored him, even when he went back to visit, unless they wanted to enlist him in whatever drama they had going on or wanted money. The youngest, his son, was particularly wheedling about "loans" which he never even attempted to pretend to pay back. It drove me crazy to see my husband's kind heart being played and I spent a lot of time biting my tongue.

I'm not sorry I stuck with it, because over time DH has learned to deflect the drama mongering and the panhandling pretty well, but it has been the single biggest source of tension in our otherwise solid marriage and if they had lived near us? I'm not sure we would have survived it.

Only you know what your tolerance can be for this situation. You have my sympathy...being the wicked stepmother is no fun.

Hawkeye13

Yep, might be time to step back--if you can't take it now, it isn't going to get better or easier if he wants to continue the bailout dance with his adult son.

dandylion

mermaid....I think that Hawkeye is right......I have had experience with the adult (or nearly adult) children...and it can become a real nightmare......
Your Bf has to do whatever he needs to do to cope with his situation.....and it will complicate things between the two of you if you try to ease yourself into the situation.....

I would step back and keep your hands off.......

Did you ever throw rocks at a bee's nest? Do you know what happens....?

Your BF has a lot on his own doorstep to deal with first, before bringing another person onto the scene. What with the divorce coming up and the parental issues.....

dandylion

mermaidgirl

All- thank you for the comments. After much thought, I brought this all to his attention...that AS hastaken control of his life and BF has allowed it. He asked...why do I do that? I said you're an enabler-and I know it becauseI am a recovering one myself. I said you cannot fix your son, but your continued rewarding for acting out and going on binges will not fix anything. I said I will support him, but I will not support enabling if this is what he wants and he is setting his AS up for failure if he rewards him with a new apartment and a bedroom to himself (which he isn't even allowed now in their 6 b/r house!). He agreed...he thanked me...and he was headed downtown to see if he can get into the apartment he originally was so thrilled to have. I feel 10x better and thankful and grateful I have come this far to stand up for myself and a relationship.

Mermaid.

dandylion

mermaid....I still think that it would be a good idea to back away ...because, at his current time...I can see a great triangling coming down the pike.....

I'm just saying.....


dandylion

mermaidgirl

Dandylian...I agree. Backing away from the table.