My AV, my fears and my hopes....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 29
My AV, my fears and my hopes....
It's been 18days... not the longest period, but the most dedicated one...
I feel like I'm in a rollercoaster and it is not a funny one...
Sometimes I have this deep realizations that I will change my life compleatly, I have a clear vision of what person I want to become, but my memories are more clear then that because this is a thing that already happend. I'm still not capable to forgive myself for all the shame and guilt I felt during all this 10 years of addiction. But at the same time I'm very positive, it is paradoxical, I can't even explane...
But the thing is I can't stand my AV...I can't believe I have it after all the things that happend to me...I still catch myself thinking about events and my first thought is to drink in control......or that I will be just too anxious to deal with this sober. The WORSE thing is to romantisize alcohol, fantasizing about it and imagining myself like other people who drink regulary but just have a good time and no problems with it.....I feel kind of disapointed from myself....All the time when a thought about an event like concert or festival pops up in my mind, my first thought is "what would I be drinking"or "No, I can't drink anymore" and getting anxious about it. And I just want to go to this events, and to have a great fun time, and to be myself, and to be sober, but then it comes the fear "I can't do this". And then I cancel the invitation and stay home.... I have no problem with that, but the thing is .....I don't want to be afraid to face the world sober. I don't want to be afraid to live life....I want to make peace with myself and not trying to escape what is inside of me, till the death finally finds me...
And I'm so afraid of the past following me trough my new life...I can't forget what I've done, there are other people involved that do their best not to forget, my ex for example who was emotionaly abusive and a carcissist still try to contact me and to manipulate me ( he also is an alcoholic).
I really want to believe that I can grow from that experience and it happed for a reason or a life lesson and it has a purpose...
I want to beleive that my past doesen't define who I am and I still deserve respect as a human being....That I am not complete garbage and still deserve love.....
I feel like I'm in a rollercoaster and it is not a funny one...
Sometimes I have this deep realizations that I will change my life compleatly, I have a clear vision of what person I want to become, but my memories are more clear then that because this is a thing that already happend. I'm still not capable to forgive myself for all the shame and guilt I felt during all this 10 years of addiction. But at the same time I'm very positive, it is paradoxical, I can't even explane...
But the thing is I can't stand my AV...I can't believe I have it after all the things that happend to me...I still catch myself thinking about events and my first thought is to drink in control......or that I will be just too anxious to deal with this sober. The WORSE thing is to romantisize alcohol, fantasizing about it and imagining myself like other people who drink regulary but just have a good time and no problems with it.....I feel kind of disapointed from myself....All the time when a thought about an event like concert or festival pops up in my mind, my first thought is "what would I be drinking"or "No, I can't drink anymore" and getting anxious about it. And I just want to go to this events, and to have a great fun time, and to be myself, and to be sober, but then it comes the fear "I can't do this". And then I cancel the invitation and stay home.... I have no problem with that, but the thing is .....I don't want to be afraid to face the world sober. I don't want to be afraid to live life....I want to make peace with myself and not trying to escape what is inside of me, till the death finally finds me...
And I'm so afraid of the past following me trough my new life...I can't forget what I've done, there are other people involved that do their best not to forget, my ex for example who was emotionaly abusive and a carcissist still try to contact me and to manipulate me ( he also is an alcoholic).
I really want to believe that I can grow from that experience and it happed for a reason or a life lesson and it has a purpose...
I want to beleive that my past doesen't define who I am and I still deserve respect as a human being....That I am not complete garbage and still deserve love.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i have a little cartoon up over my desk - it's a person in the meditation position and the caption is: C'MON INNER PEACE, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!!!!!!
the results and the benefits that come with continuous sobriety take TIME. and they won't happen all at once, like gifts under the Christmas tree. but the longer you stay sober, the harder you work at being a good person TODAY, the more often those gifts WILL arrive.
18 days is a magnificent start. you're journey is just beginning.
the results and the benefits that come with continuous sobriety take TIME. and they won't happen all at once, like gifts under the Christmas tree. but the longer you stay sober, the harder you work at being a good person TODAY, the more often those gifts WILL arrive.
18 days is a magnificent start. you're journey is just beginning.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well done on 18 days. That's a big accomplishment.
Everything in early sobriety was confusing to me. I didn't want this voice in my head telling me that my drinking wasn't so bad. It was unfair that everyone else could drink but I can't. Romanticising the bottle and the situations. Lying to myself that I can't have fun without alcohol.
It does get easier. You will be able to enjoy yourself. It takes time and work on yourself. Trust that you have it within you to do great things. Have faith that you are strong. And patience. Patience is important.
Keep going. 18 days is great.
Everything in early sobriety was confusing to me. I didn't want this voice in my head telling me that my drinking wasn't so bad. It was unfair that everyone else could drink but I can't. Romanticising the bottle and the situations. Lying to myself that I can't have fun without alcohol.
It does get easier. You will be able to enjoy yourself. It takes time and work on yourself. Trust that you have it within you to do great things. Have faith that you are strong. And patience. Patience is important.
Keep going. 18 days is great.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Way to go on 18 days!! You are not alone in anything you posted- we can relate.
Keep coming back here and counting up more days. Do you go to AA or have another program? Even if you are only ready to listen at meetings (I was for awhile, and also the meetings were kind of hazy as I came out of my alcohol fog) it will help.
Good luck!
Keep coming back here and counting up more days. Do you go to AA or have another program? Even if you are only ready to listen at meetings (I was for awhile, and also the meetings were kind of hazy as I came out of my alcohol fog) it will help.
Good luck!
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 1,305
I completely get it. Drinking is all about the quick fix, the instant gratification...sobriety is about the baby steps, the incremental progress, the slow growth. I've really struggled with that in the past, too...I want that Christmas tree with presents, damnit! 
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