pearlady

DAY 16:

I went to AA last night and it was a good meeting. The subject was being happy, joyous, and free. I didn’t share because I have laryngitis and I thought I’d spare the group my toad like croak.

I learned something last night. I have a long way to go. I have to start working the steps.

Last night my bf(alcoholic/addict) whom has decided to enter rehab left me a voice clip message while I was in AA that he would call me later that night. I was excited. He has been detoxing and sleeping a lot as a result so we haven’t talked much lately. My ex husband was keeping my kids while I was at AA and had done some laundry over there, so I went there after AA.

Earlier in the day, my ex expressed that he still loved me and he wanted me to consider reconciliation. I do not want to reconcile with him but he is my friend and we are raising our children well together.

My bf sent me a message to call him in about 15 minutes so I did so while I was at my apartment grabbing some shoes for my daughter. The kids were going to stay over with their dad. I called him a few times but he didn’t pick up. This frustrated me because he was the one that said to call in 15 minutes. I called back again and that time he picked up and said for me to call him back in about 5 mins. Well I waited 10 minutes and called back and he didn’t pick up. I was annoyed and frustrated. He messaged me on FB messenger asking if we could chat there for a few because he was in the middle of something. I said ok. It wasn’t the conversation I had hoped for as far as connection between him and I. I wanted more from him. I wanted him to fill a void I had but he wasn’t up for it. I said that I thought he wanted to talk but I guess he did not want to connect with me. I was upset. I took it personally.

I went to pick up my laundry and take my ex my daughter’s shoes. At that point I was beside myself with frustration with my bf. I love him and I miss him and we’ve had a hard month.

I was talking to my ex and he started talking about how much he wanted me to reconcile with him. He had a lot to say and I listened. I told him that I understand where he was coming from but I love my boyfriend. He knows that I told my boyfriend that I am starting a new life without substance abuse and that I know that it is his path to walk but for our relationship to work, he would have to join me in recovery. My boyfriend took some time to think about it, made some choices during that time that seem to have been a bottom for him, and ultimately decided to go to rehab. It was his choice not my coercion. He is on a waiting list. Anyway, I am low and vulnerable and upset. I am lonely. I haven’t seen my boyfriend in 3 weeks due to the fact that I decided that I needed to get some sobriety under my belt before seeing him again. My ex knows that and I suppose sees this as an opening to reveal to me his desire to reconcile. He laid it on thick. I heard him out and told him that it remains to be seen what will happen in the future, but my feelings for my boyfriend are very real and I need to give him the opportunity to pursue recovery since he has agreed to do so.

But at the same time, I was sad, weak, lonely, and sober. My ex persisted and I felt rejected by my boyfriend. I felt like geez, we haven’t talked much lately and I’m hurting- why can’t you just connect with me. I had a need that was unfulfilled and at that moment of weakness, I gave into my ex husband’s words and advances. He said everything that a woman that feels lonely and rejected wants to hear. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. Blah blah blah. I could have got up and left but I choose not to do so. I choose to make a bad decision. I choose to not cope with my upset feelings in a healthy way.

Since booze was off the table, I submitted to filling the void with the old stand by- sex. I had sex with my ex husband. Rather than sitting and dealing with my upset feelings, I choose escape. I am a weak person with little integrity. I didn’t follow my own heart. My heart said, Leave. Go home and pout. Be angry. Be upset. Sit in your anguish. But instead, I submitted to my lower self. I betrayed my boyfriend and myself. I made a very made decision. This is why I need to work the steps because even though I am sober, I am still engaging in the same decision-making and behaviors that I did drunk. At least under the influence, I had an excuse- a scapegoat to blame my poor choices upon.

I am a dry drunk. I violated my own wishes, my own heart, my own integrity, and my own expectations. I expect fidelity and loyalty from my significant other and in a moment of weakness, I jumped ship. I abandoned my values. And I did it sober. Alcohol is not the problem. Drugs are not the problem. Sex is not the problem. I am the ************* problem.

I hurt myself. I probably hurt my ex. And if my boyfriend knew, he would be hurt as well. And the thing is, the sex between my ex and I, it didn’t hold any emotional value. I didn’t have any feelings for him during it. I was seeking comfort and escape.

So, I’m pretty disgusted with myself. There is no excuse for my behavior. I just went and made a complicated situation more so.

I wish I had played the tape through. Now I have to deal with guilt and shame.

I suppose some might ask how could you do that to your boyfriend if you love him? Well, my answer is I do love him and I made a series of bad decisions. My first bad decision was to have expectation of how our conversation would go, my second bad decision was to take it personally when it didn’t go the way I had expected, my third bad decision was to put myself in a vulnerable position with my ex, and my fourth was to resort to escape.

I’m an idiot. I have to be brutally honest with myself. I could try to blame this on other things, but it was all me.

Cherrybreeze

We've ALL made bad decisions. Making a bad decision does NOT make you a bad person, please know that first of all.
You can't change what's done, but you can move on from it. As far as telling your boyfriend, I'm torn on that. It won't help things, it'll hurt him, and it was a one-time screw up. Be straight with the ex about how it didn't mean anything emotionally and that it will not happen again. Stop any reconciliation talk in its tracks from here on out.

Be kind to yourself. This action does not define you.

pearlady

Thank you Cherrybreeze.

ScottFromWI

I think the best you can do moving forward is to realize that you have a complicated relationship, and also realized that it's even more difficult to start new relationships during early recovery - in fact many recommend strongly against it. You'll need to decide that for yourself of course but your sponsor may be able to offer some advice in that area too.

Overall, understand that you made a mistake, but learn from it and make plans so it doesn't happen again, right?

pearlady

Well, I've been dating my boyfriend for more than a year so we've been together for a while. But it's true, my relationship is complicated and I haven't been processing it all in a healthy way. I've got to make better decisions and learn.

AdelineRose

We have all made mistakes, beating yourself up over it is not the way to work through it though. Sobriety is hard, recovery is harder, there is a lot of emotions that start popping up that we have numbed for years or decades. Sure, there is no excuse to cheat, but use this as motivation to really delve into your recovery. You said that you are a dry drunk, well maybe it is time to start taking steps to change that.

It might be a good decision to back up a little from your relationship with your bf and your ex. Right now the focus needs to be on you and if in the end you have a strong recovery and your bf has a strong recovery then you can take it from there. Your ex was wrong to push you so hard, but now you know where he is going with all his flattery so nip it in the butt next time. I would probably have a conversation with him where you set up boundaries about what is okay and what is not. If he wants you back then he needs to respect you whether you decide to get back with him or not.

Take a deep breath, this is not the end of the world. Instead, use it as a learning experience and motivation to push harder in your recovery.

entropy1964

As Adelinerose said, maybe its time for some YOU time. You are very self aware...you know you are codependent and looking for things outside of you to fill the void. So the only way, I believe, is to detach from the substances and 'go to' people so you can work on you.

Seems your bf could probably use some time to recover as well. I know this is much harder to do than it is for me to say. But it appears to be something you both should consider.

I hope you're honest with the ex fast. Maybe tell him exactly what you told us? Or maybe not. But either way, nip that in bud fast so he doesn't get hurt. You have a lot of years of raising the kids together. That's the most important aspect of your relationship, right? Do you think there's some codie stuff going on for him too? I had to detach big time from my ex...took years after the divorce...and years of him being hurt. Our relationship is cool now but it works. We focus on our daughter and have no further attachments. It's black and white because it has to be...especially for him

maggpie666999

Did you have fun in the act at least? I mean, we are all people. Pick up and move on. Hell, you're not horrible, you're a person that needed some comfort (ain't no crime) screw the guilt man, that ain't no thing to carry around. Look at it as life experience, laugh it off , and move on. And please don't use your guilt to hurt someone else's feelings (oh, I feel so guilty, now I'm gonna tell my partner) . Don't do that, life happens. You are ok, I've done much worse in my life. Please have some self confidence (:

pearlady

Your reply made me smile. Seriously. Thanks for that.

FreeOwl

"continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it".

Well... you've done a pretty good job with this step (but please note, nowhere does it mention "beat ourselves up and called ourselves stupid).

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

Well.... you've already made the list in this case..... the question now is are you willing to make amends.

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Making amends is how we shed ourselves of the guilt and the shame.... honesty, making amends, owning up to our consequences.

You have demonstrated a pretty high level of self-awareness in the review and sharing of what you did. You know where you've gone wrong and I suspect you know what you now need to do in order to honor yourself, everyone involved, and to grow and deepen your sobriety.

So it's up to you.

You can sit and wallow in your guilt and shame and spend your energy perpetuating the "I am a terrible person" story - or you can get busy acting on this and move in the lighter direction.

pearlady

Thank you for your reply. I honestly didn't even think of it that way. But you are right. I think in this situation it would harm my boyfriend to tell him of the bad choice I made.


My bad attitude and expectation towards my boyfriend was what lead to all of this. How do I make amends to him for having a bad attitude? I think a lot of time apologies aren't enough. They just feel like words. How do I offer amends in a way that shows sincerity?

On my lunch break, I visited with my ex and I told him that I was sorry if what happened between us caused him hurt and that I want to be his friend very much. He was okay.

FreeOwl

well... I'd encourage you to think more deeply about who was harmed and how.

That will lead you to what amends may be appropriate.

I can't really give you that... it's a personal journey.

I do wish you well and hope you'll get to a meeting again soon, really look at what actions you need to take to deepen your sobriety and how you can use this situation and these decisions to grow.

I've made similar mistakes in my own past. I understand where you're at. I've had to own up to unfaithfulness. I have had to search myself for how to make amends for those actions and for the depth of 'guts' to face it..... so I feel for you. You've chosen yourself into a painful spot.

Good news is - when we use these sorts of things for growth, they can lead us to a much better place.

tomsteve

bad people don't regret bad decisions.
yer not a bad person getting good.
yer a sick one getting weller.

FreeOwl

yes.

Upward2Enlightenment

I will add my 2 cents on this. I'm not saying that you should tell your bf but consider how he will react if he finds out later.
Not the same situation but I divorced my wife after being together for 26 years, dating and married, because of trust problems. I felt, and still feel, that I can never trust a word she says. My issues were caused by much more than a one time thing but just food for thought.

Anna

Yeah, having expectations can so often lead us down the wrong path. It's so hard to not have expectations that something outside of us can fill us up. It's so hard to believe and know that 'we' are all we need.

Forgive yourself, learn from the experience and move on.

pearlady

Thank you for your input and for sharing. I will have to think on it. I haven't fully decided if I will confess or keep it to myself. I am leaning towards keeping it to myself at this point because this is not an established pattern of behavior for me or in our relationship.

pearlady

AnvilheadII

. I haven't fully decided if I will confess or keep it to myself. I am leaning towards keeping it to myself at this point because this is not an established pattern of behavior for me or in our relationship.


hmmm, and how would you feel if you found out your BF was boinking someone else last nite? and his reason for not telling you is that it wasn't a PATTERN yet.

i personally see your actions is a big RED FLAG.....about this whole "relationship" with the BF that is......you originally came to SR because of his addiction.....and all the nifty hoo hah that goes with it. i think even prior to your expectations and attitude about how he is currently behaving, the catalyst is the whole set up over time.

just my free four cents worth.......

aNewEternity

you don't have the extra mental resources to guilt yourself over this in the upcoming days/weeks. it is what it is. you didn't use drugs or alcohol, or physically hurt anyone.

relax! it's okay!