S/0 from 'family of three' thread
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
S/0 from 'family of three' thread
My son and I have moved in with my bf and his 2 little girls. I spent months in prayer and journaling and counseling with friends, family, my sponsor, etc. I debated over whether I was jumping the gun, how could my 17 year old and I fit in with this tight little family of 3 that he had. He has been divorced for 3 years and apart from his ex for 4. They co parent beautifully together and his girls were kept away from the dysfunction and fallout of the divorce as best as possible. They both have high self esteem, they have healthy senses of self, they know how to ask for respect from others and they know how to give it. They are obedient but also mischievous as most children will be. They make me laugh every day.
We've been there for 3 weeks now and my son and I had to go to a tennis tournament in a neighboring state for a few days. The three of them called us on Sunday leaving us a message, "We miss you! When are you guys coming home?!!!" My bf laughing in the background and then he says, "Hey, we're just checking in. Everyone wants to know if you're coming home soon!"
On the drive home yesterday my son says, "I'm actually looking forward to getting home today. Haven't felt this way for a long time." My son spent a lot of our car time telling me that he doesn't respect his alcoholic dad but that he feels guilty for this feeling. He feels that he is all his father has and he feels that codependent need to 'fix' his father and make it all better for him. He told me that he respects my bf and looks up to him because of my bf's successes in life, his achievements, and the fact that his children love him so very much despite how much of a disciplinarian he is. My son and the bf have clashed a few times because my bf doesn't understand that you can't 'should' a 17 year old boy without going through mom first. We will obviously have some things to work through as we learn to blend families and parenting. Thankfully, my son still agrees that my bf has the best intentions. I just have to get my bf to change his communication approach and take his 'suggestions' to me first!
Anyway, despite those challenges I can honestly say that we both were happy to be 'home'. So, when we walk in the door the 8 year old screams, "G's home!!!! I have something to show him....where is he.....G?? G??? I missed you!!" My son laughs and sits down while she shows him her new stuffed toy. I get greeted with smiles and hugs from everybody. On the couch later that night, both girls wanted to be beside me. Snuggling up on either side and squishing me on the couch. Bf was loving after the kids went to bed, whispers in my ear that he missed me, and I fall asleep in my bed with tears in my eyes wondering how this became my life.
Yet, none of this has been easy. I battle codependent thinking, create drama in my own head, make up problems that aren't there, etc but Al Anon has given me the tools to recognize those things about myself and I can move forward knowing that I will be OK! Things still aren't perfect, my son still has an alcoholic father and there's a lot of struggles in that part of his problem. He has a therapist and he goes to meetings at times, too. He will have his own path and my bf will expect him to man up more than I have. This new path won't be easy but, for today, I am feeling blessed and loved and I hope my son is too. Hugs to you all!
We've been there for 3 weeks now and my son and I had to go to a tennis tournament in a neighboring state for a few days. The three of them called us on Sunday leaving us a message, "We miss you! When are you guys coming home?!!!" My bf laughing in the background and then he says, "Hey, we're just checking in. Everyone wants to know if you're coming home soon!"
On the drive home yesterday my son says, "I'm actually looking forward to getting home today. Haven't felt this way for a long time." My son spent a lot of our car time telling me that he doesn't respect his alcoholic dad but that he feels guilty for this feeling. He feels that he is all his father has and he feels that codependent need to 'fix' his father and make it all better for him. He told me that he respects my bf and looks up to him because of my bf's successes in life, his achievements, and the fact that his children love him so very much despite how much of a disciplinarian he is. My son and the bf have clashed a few times because my bf doesn't understand that you can't 'should' a 17 year old boy without going through mom first. We will obviously have some things to work through as we learn to blend families and parenting. Thankfully, my son still agrees that my bf has the best intentions. I just have to get my bf to change his communication approach and take his 'suggestions' to me first!
Anyway, despite those challenges I can honestly say that we both were happy to be 'home'. So, when we walk in the door the 8 year old screams, "G's home!!!! I have something to show him....where is he.....G?? G??? I missed you!!" My son laughs and sits down while she shows him her new stuffed toy. I get greeted with smiles and hugs from everybody. On the couch later that night, both girls wanted to be beside me. Snuggling up on either side and squishing me on the couch. Bf was loving after the kids went to bed, whispers in my ear that he missed me, and I fall asleep in my bed with tears in my eyes wondering how this became my life.
Yet, none of this has been easy. I battle codependent thinking, create drama in my own head, make up problems that aren't there, etc but Al Anon has given me the tools to recognize those things about myself and I can move forward knowing that I will be OK! Things still aren't perfect, my son still has an alcoholic father and there's a lot of struggles in that part of his problem. He has a therapist and he goes to meetings at times, too. He will have his own path and my bf will expect him to man up more than I have. This new path won't be easy but, for today, I am feeling blessed and loved and I hope my son is too. Hugs to you all!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Liz,
I love your thread. You give us hope that we all deserve a normal life after dealing with an addict.
Maybe one day we will all find love again. Not sure how, as we have many battle scars, but maybe. Sending hugs my friend, enjoy today!!
I love your thread. You give us hope that we all deserve a normal life after dealing with an addict.
Maybe one day we will all find love again. Not sure how, as we have many battle scars, but maybe. Sending hugs my friend, enjoy today!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
Remember how it wasn't so very long ago that you had convinced yourself you would have to stay with your now XAH at least until your DS graduated?
I am so, so thrilled for you, my friend.
I am so, so thrilled for you, my friend.
I swear if my bf's girls were ambivalent towards us or towards me in any way, I would have never done this....but they are so wonderful. They thank me for the little things like getting them a glass of water, they include me in their day to day lives and tell me their stories, they love up on me and giggle and cuddle with us. It's hard to not feel loved or appreciated. I've never seen one red flag from these children and any flags that came from my interaction with my bf have mostly been because of my own crazy and me trying to learn how to be with a man who is an introvert, a thinker, and not very verbally expressive.
I was looking around at our closet today and realized that I took over about 3/4ths of it with all my shoes and clothes and my bf never said one word. I have reorganized his kitchen and again, he's not said a word. All he's said is, "Everything in this house is ours now....." It's not been easy for me to give up my freedom, to give up my habits, etc but it's sure been worth it!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
