Iwishonstars777

My 4 year old asked where daddy was tonight and I said he was at her uncles. Didn't really tell her exactly why, just said he is helping her aunt and uncle go through their parents house to get ready for a yard sale (both have passed, and that's what they are really supposed to be doing at some point). But then she paused and said I don't miss him. I don't need to miss him. And I asked why and she said because I don't need to miss him. I again asked why she feels that way and she just got a little frustrated and with a more toned voice said I don't need to miss him.
I'm not sure how to read this. I do know 4 year Olds don't always know what they are talking about but she obviously said it for a reason to her. Man, having kids just makes all this more complicated in my brain. Can't shut off all the thoughts of stuff from the past and what is going on now..and the future. I have to admit, I'm afraid for the future. I'm afraid it won't be peaceful and be what I "dream" it to be. I'm afraid my kids won't ever get to really know the guy I fell in love with. I'm afraid they won't get to have those special moments a father and daughter hold. I'm afraid to have another man "take his spot". I'm afraid memories will fade and the girls won't have the qwertylove for him like I do. I'm afraid of taking full responsibility a normal couple would share. I admit, I'm afraid and these thoughts are driving me nuts. I don't want to be stuck in these thoughts all the time. I know it's soon but still, shoooot.

Ann

When children speak their minds and hearts, it's good to listen. She wasn't ready to offer more, she may not even know why she doesn't miss him and perhaps feels guilty...or not...but she has made it clear that a quiet loving home without him makes her happier than a home when he is there.

We must advocate for the children, they are the innocents in all this who have no choices, no say of how it unfolds. When she is ready, encourage her to talk more and express her feelings, even at 4 she has something to say that needs listening to.

God bless the child.

Hug

PuzzledHeart

It's funny, when I read your concerns I thought to myself, are they your concerns, or his? Or are they the concerns that you wished he had? Especially "I'm afraid to have another man 'take his spot'."


I think your little girl is telling you something very important. You were brought to the boiling point because of his behavior, so it seems natural that she would share some of those feelings, because no child should put up with the behavior that he had. That took courage for her to say, and it must be a testament for her love for YOU that she felt safe enough to express her true feelings.

Hugs to the infinite power.

Sunshine1234

Its amazing how in tuned kids can be at such a young age. I know how you are feeling...I'm having such anxiety about the same exact thoughts. I have two little ones and I'm so scared about the future and possibly raising them alone. Its hard even with two parents let alone just one. Of course we want the best, most stable environment for our babies. Just trying to hand it over to God and let him lead me in the right direction. I think your little girl is showing she is aware of more than you may know and that she is happy right now and doesn't need to miss him. Keep your head high...we can do this!

AdelineRose

Children know a lot more then we give them credit for. She might be trying to convince herself that she doesn't miss him because she does but she knows he is not reliable so she is insulating herself from hurt. Sure she is young, but not too young to know what hurts and what doesn't.

Our brains can really start to go into overdrive when dealing with an addict. Do you go to counseling? Having a counselor that you have a strong relationship with can be a HUGE resource and can provide invaluable advice and relief from the non stop thoughts.

I know it is hard to imagine a future without him, but it seems like all your fears are based on what if he doesn't get sober. Might I suggest taking the focus on him and putting it on yourself and your children? It is time to worry about what is best for YOU. The man you fell in love with is not the man that he is, so thinking about the future worrying that certain things won't be happening..well I think it is time to start moving towards acceptance and rewriting the future where you are strong and independent from him and you are able to give your children the love and structure they need even if he never gets a little bit better. I know that is not how you planned your life to go, but once you accept that it makes a lot of the crazy thoughts stop.

HUGS, I know it hurts- we have been there and I hope you find some peace.

Autumnlover19

I'm sad too about raising my son alone and not having anyone with whom to share the joys and sorrows of parenting. But it's much better than raising my son with an addicted abusive bully. Thanks for this post.

Big hugs.

sunny053

All of you sound like such amazing people. I can't even imagine what you've been going through. It's so inspiring to read about you protecting your children and living through all of this crap. Big hugs to everyone on this thread <3

Queenbee7

Both my parents were alcoholics and drug addicts.
Although my mom was a wonderful mom for the first ten years of my life and then I guess she gave up and "joined" my dad in his addicted lifestyle. They both still use heavily to this day.

I can remember being 3 yrs old and knowing to stay clear of my dad.
At 5 yrs I remember telling my mom I would love to just live with her. (unfortunately I said it in front of my dad, which didn't go over well lol)
When I was 8 yrs old my dad went out of town for work for about 4 months and it was so peaceful and amazing at home.

Now at 37 yrs I've been married to 3 abusive addicts.
Have subjected my own children to the horrors of a man in their life being in active addiction.

I'm in therapy now and on Tuesday my therapist said that as a child I was "Imprinted", the way a baby duck sees whomever it sees for the first time and that is it's "mamma"
Well I was "imprinted" with my father and have a tendency to pick men exactly like him.

What kind of relationships do you want your children to have?

I'm a single mom now of 7 kids.. (I had 4 wonderful step-kids)
And we can all breathe now..our home is free of addiction..
It's worth listening to your babies