Spinner-007

This just popped into mind when replying to another post:

It's really not too hard to imagine all of us being in this prison hell being attached to an alcoholic/addict, so I thought of those shows where incarcerated inmates attempt to 'scare straight' young offenders before they get into worse trouble.

What would YOU tell/advise/scare anyone who has thoughts of getting involved with someone they know is a recovering/non-recovering alcoholic/addict?

Floor is wide open to those of us who are/have been in it.

healthyagain

Just, "Date at your own risk, and don't tell me I did not warn you."

Codies are like addicts, you can talk and scream and whatever, but we won't let go until . . .

Ariesagain

If it's a whirlwind romance, love at first sight, instant soulmate, storybook romance, cosmic connection, meant to be, and you are the answer to the addict's every prayer...

watch out. Chances are that dream will become a nightmare.

Thomas45

Nothing. People will believe what they want to believe until they are forced to learn otherwise. I'm not going to give someone unsolicited advice on how to live their life.

dandylion

Dearest Spinner......Not a day goes by, here on SR that we, the scarred and wounded, don't attempt to enlighten those who are preparing to meld their lives in this way........
Almost always, our words go unheeded......

As a matter of fact, Rockyballbuster has a very recent thread addressing the same thing ---"AH Relationships".....and I gave a very detailed post on his thread........you might want to give it a read......

dandylion

FireSprite

In a nutshell - Educate yourself. Attend AA & Al-Anon meetings & seek resources like SR in order gain an understanding of the disease, separate from the PERSON that you know. The behaviors, triggers, specifics can be very different from person to person but the disease remains the same in every situation. Figuring out what that means for you REQUIRES educating yourself about addiction AND codependency.

ladyscribbler

You are half of the dynamic, half of the dysfunction and half of the problem. Figure out why you are signing yourself up for this, like really WHY. Scratch under the surface patina of what you're calling "love" and see what's really there. And get thee to Al Anon.

There was another thread where someone, can't remember who, said, "A normal person would have seen this behavior once or maybe twice and been long gone. Yet you keep hanging on. Why is that?"

Horror stories can work if someone is ready to accept them, but usually by then their life is one of those horror stories and it's just to reinforce that yes, there is a real problem. No, you're not imagining things, it really is "that bad."

Someone in the first blushes of infatuation is going to dismiss them as too extreme. Their soul mate would never do anything like that, etc. I've had disgruntled new posters tell me I was projecting because my own experiences had damaged and warped my perspective. I probably would have done the same, wrapped in my cozy cocoon of denial.

lizatola

This is what I was going to say! But, really it's more along the lines of finally realizing that people are going to do what they're going to do and nothing I say can make a difference. I've talked until I'm blue in the face but the lesson has to be learned by the person themselves. God has them on a path, and it's not my job to interfere. I can offer my own ESH but I know that, in most cases, it will fall on deaf ears.

Spinner-007

ladyscribbler:
you quoted someone else with this line: "A normal person would have seen this behavior once or maybe twice and been long gone. Yet you keep hanging on. Why is that?"

That was one that really caught me up.

I can say a lot to that: legal(being married), children(have 4), but the question disturbs me because while they are what's at stake, they're not reasons I chose to stay as long as I have(did).

Its a far reaching hope that while things won't ever be the same again, things can still be with my AW, should she decide to go sober.

ladyscribbler

Me too. I could very easily make a long list of all the crazy, unacceptable behavior by my ex- I actually did do that when we went to court for custody- but the fact is I stayed there and accepted it. And it wasn't because of our son or that I loved him so much, hell, I didn't even LIKE him most of the time. It was my twisted thinking that kept me stuck and nobody could tell me anything until I was ready to see it.

tomsteve

2 sickies don't make a wellie.

Spinner-007

I still come back to this line:
""A normal person would have seen this behavior once or maybe twice and been long gone. Yet you keep hanging on. Why is that?"

I asked a long time friend this and he said something that really resounded with me.

His response:

"Because you loved her more than you hurt".

I had to sit with this for a bit, because at first I shook it off until he made a few points clear(having been a survivor of addiction relationships):

First, most addictions doesn't normally dramatically change the addict overnight. It's a gradual decent into destruction, and loved ones go into reaction mode when they do come around to finding it out.

Loved ones go into reaction mode, thinking they can help, and the addict is all the more willing to throw distractions and red herrings as long as it keeps loved ones busy and the focus is off the addict, the addiction and what the addict needs to do to get sober.

Love doesn't stop overnight.

It's when the pain of staying becomes more than the pain of leaving is when most people finally make their decision to move on.

I now look at this person who was my wife and see someone who is so different now.

Just thought I'd share...

NYCDoglvr

Don't do it. You are attempting to manipulate someone into not drinking and it simply won't work. Unfortunately the alcoholic must become "enlightened" to the fact he is powerless over alcohol and his life is unmanageable. And have a burning desire to get -- and stay -- sober.

Expanding

This, but because I believe we do not receive the message until we are ready to hear it. Even if it's solicited... it will fall on deaf ears until the receiver is ready for the shift in their reality. My axbf's new "hostage" will have to learn what I learned. That day may never come and there is absolutely nothing I can do, or should do, about it.

Spinner-007

"Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas45 View Post
Nothing. People will believe what they want to believe until they are forced to learn otherwise. I'm not going to give someone unsolicited advice on how to live their life.


Ok. well said.

Now, what if it was your teenage/adult child that mentioned this to you?

What would you tell them?