He changed my life
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He changed my life
I am feeling so overwhelmed. I have been incorporating journaling and meditation into my life on a regular basis and the truth been a bit too much. I cannot stop it.
I was denying the truth for so long, and so to see it written all out in front of me… and when I talk to people about the heaviness of what I have been realizing and remembering, it becomes almost an out of body experience, it’s so so strange.
The “hugeness” of how everything in my life is changing is making me feel nauseous. The truth of it all wants to send my anxiety skyrocketing. I am needing to remind myself to breeeeathe today….
Just reading this is helping me remain grounded. I seriously don’t know what I would do without you guys!!
I am just now getting out of toxic relationship that started in 2007… I was 20 when we met... this means that any issues I had then I am just starting to deal with now. That I am just now getting out of something that I thought was a good idea to jump into… at a time when I couldn’t even buy booze… I’m just going to let that sink in…
My other friends don’t understand the profound shifts that occur internally when you finally “wake up”. I think it’s safe to say that everyone here as either had that huge shift, or is pretty close to it!
I wish there were more resources available to people who exit toxic patterns/relationships. I never knew that the entire world as I knew it was going to be turned upside down on its face. I feel like a newborn babe relearning about the world around it…
I know that people go through breakups all the time, but I was not ready for the influx of insight and awareness I was about to go through. I really don’t think everyone tries to learn from their failed relationships. I can see why relationship hopping can be so, so bad... I would have ended up with someone just like my ex… the thought of that is scary…
I am understanding what “black and white” thinking is, and that the reason why these relationships are so hard to leave is because they aren’t all bad. It’s those good parts that we cling to…
My ex changed my life. I only wish that I could have changed his life in the way that he changed mine. I am finally facing my childhood wounds, and while I am not giving him all the credit, without him I wouldn’t have seen what I see now.
I was denying the truth for so long, and so to see it written all out in front of me… and when I talk to people about the heaviness of what I have been realizing and remembering, it becomes almost an out of body experience, it’s so so strange.
The “hugeness” of how everything in my life is changing is making me feel nauseous. The truth of it all wants to send my anxiety skyrocketing. I am needing to remind myself to breeeeathe today….
Just reading this is helping me remain grounded. I seriously don’t know what I would do without you guys!!
I am just now getting out of toxic relationship that started in 2007… I was 20 when we met... this means that any issues I had then I am just starting to deal with now. That I am just now getting out of something that I thought was a good idea to jump into… at a time when I couldn’t even buy booze… I’m just going to let that sink in…
My other friends don’t understand the profound shifts that occur internally when you finally “wake up”. I think it’s safe to say that everyone here as either had that huge shift, or is pretty close to it!
I wish there were more resources available to people who exit toxic patterns/relationships. I never knew that the entire world as I knew it was going to be turned upside down on its face. I feel like a newborn babe relearning about the world around it…
I know that people go through breakups all the time, but I was not ready for the influx of insight and awareness I was about to go through. I really don’t think everyone tries to learn from their failed relationships. I can see why relationship hopping can be so, so bad... I would have ended up with someone just like my ex… the thought of that is scary…
I am understanding what “black and white” thinking is, and that the reason why these relationships are so hard to leave is because they aren’t all bad. It’s those good parts that we cling to…
My ex changed my life. I only wish that I could have changed his life in the way that he changed mine. I am finally facing my childhood wounds, and while I am not giving him all the credit, without him I wouldn’t have seen what I see now.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh man. You sound like me not so long ago.
I remember thinking this awakening was akin to
The Wizard of Oz movie - going from black and white to color.
We took the Matrix red pill.
We realized what Soylent Green was.
And we can never go back.
And for me - it caused a lovely painful mix of midlife / existential crisis...with a nice topping of shame for my behavior and realization of my part in my life's nightmares.
Then through my sadness and hatred, I saw that that process would have wasted even more of my life than it already did if it weren't for XABF. I wish things were different, but I would never, never take back all that has happened for me through this.
And from here - it just gets better and better...more and more beautiful. We will protect our peace at any cost. We are learning to let go. ...and loving ourselves better is just priceless.
So happy for you!
I remember thinking this awakening was akin to
The Wizard of Oz movie - going from black and white to color.
We took the Matrix red pill.
We realized what Soylent Green was.
And we can never go back.
And for me - it caused a lovely painful mix of midlife / existential crisis...with a nice topping of shame for my behavior and realization of my part in my life's nightmares.
Then through my sadness and hatred, I saw that that process would have wasted even more of my life than it already did if it weren't for XABF. I wish things were different, but I would never, never take back all that has happened for me through this.
And from here - it just gets better and better...more and more beautiful. We will protect our peace at any cost. We are learning to let go. ...and loving ourselves better is just priceless.
So happy for you!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
The relationship that got me here was a very painful learning experience.
As hard and painful as it was though the learning was INVALUABLE.
Staying with it, and going through it has been the BEST gift I have ever given myself. It is worth it and YOU are worth it!
As hard and painful as it was though the learning was INVALUABLE.
Staying with it, and going through it has been the BEST gift I have ever given myself. It is worth it and YOU are worth it!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by firebolt 
I remember thinking this awakening was akin to
The Wizard of Oz movie - going from black and white to color.
We took the Matrix red pill.
We realized what Soylent Green was.
And we can never go back.
The Wizard of Oz movie - going from black and white to color.
We took the Matrix red pill.
We realized what Soylent Green was.
And we can never go back.
Love this. I always relate it to that scene at the end of Labyrinth when she realizes she's been in control the whole time & tells the Goblin King, "You have no power over me!" and the spell breaks, dramatically.
You're doing a great job working through this stuff Expanding, it's hard when all of those AHA moments are going off in your head like firecrackers. I had a hard time even keeping up with mine in the beginning - the awarenesses tumbled faster than I could address them a lot of the time. When you called it an out of body experience you summed it up pretty well. And it's just the oddest feeling to look around & recognize everyone yet feel completely disconnected from them in every way.
Do you use breathing exercises to help with the anxiety? I was just reading about a couple of different ones yesterday in an old thread.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I always relate it to that scene at the end of Labyrinth when she realizes she's been in control the whole time & tells the Goblin King, "You have no power over me!" and the spell breaks, dramatically.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Do you use breathing exercises to help with the anxiety? I was just reading about a couple of different ones yesterday in an old thread.
I also realized that the "out of body" feeling is me trying to dissociate. It's something that people from dysfunctional homes may do in order to escape danger. When we can't fight, and we can't run away physically, we escape in other ways...
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Expanding
Surprisingly just breathing deep and slowly helps tremendously.
Expanding I hope you don't think you're starting from scratch emotionally; 9 years makes a huge difference to your maturity as long as you haven't been postponing adulthood with alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
So glad you are working through this all at such a young age. I stayed in a toxic relationship for way too long (20 years) even though I knew, sometimes subconsciously but most of the time I was in denial) it was toxic for me and damaging. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Expanding
A big WOW for your post. One of the most insightful I have read here!!!
I have often said how much I owe my ex. Because of him, I came back to God, who started me on this path to healing.
Thanks again for sharing.
A big WOW for your post. One of the most insightful I have read here!!!
I have often said how much I owe my ex. Because of him, I came back to God, who started me on this path to healing.
Thanks again for sharing.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
That was my go-to method when I was giving up drinking, and it rarely failed. The key is the relaxation that deep breathing induces, as my cravings tended to hit when my tension levels rose.
Expanding I hope you don't think you're starting from scratch emotionally; 9 years makes a huge difference to your maturity as long as you haven't been postponing adulthood with alcohol.
Expanding I hope you don't think you're starting from scratch emotionally; 9 years makes a huge difference to your maturity as long as you haven't been postponing adulthood with alcohol.
The amount of drinking I do is very minimal now. I think I drank because he was drinking, and it was easier to tolerate his level of intoxication if I was intoxicated too. If he came home drunk I couldn't STAND him. He was so annoying and it made me so angry... so I think that's where that started, although towards the end I stopped going out with him so I saw it more and more.
Everything I held back that prevented me from maturing emotionally was still inside me and is now connecting and flourishing. It's like I am "catching up"!
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Location: Central O-H-I-O
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But what is awesome is that you ARE catching up, instead of being stuck where you were for the next 10, 20, 30+ years of your life; you ARE maturing, you ARE growing and learning. I wish I was where you are - aware and enlightened and moving forward.
You have come so far since your first post. Congratulations!
C-Oh Dad
You have come so far since your first post. Congratulations!
C-Oh Dad
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Expanding, you are really an inspiration to me. You are just digging right in and doing the hard work that needs to be done. I know what you mean about looking around you and feeling disconnected from everyone who hasn't done that same work and doesn't get it...
I'm with you on this. Absolutely. I'm also looking at things that go way, way back, long before XAH was in my life.
When I was first contemplating divorce, I felt certain that I'd get rid of everything related to XAH and would go back to my maiden name. During the course of a massage/energy work w/a wonderful woman I found, I had sort of a "vision" experience, and part of it was that XAH had changed my life deeply and permanently, and it would not serve me to pretend otherwise. I had been with him for 20 years at that point, and to think I could just rewind and do over, to think that I could deny all that we had done during those years, was foolish and unrealistic. We can start again, but we start from where we are, not where we were.
I'm in one of the rougher patches in my journey at this moment and your postings are helpful. I appreciate the thought and effort you put into each one.
My ex changed my life. I only wish that I could have changed his life in the way that he changed mine. I am finally facing my childhood wounds, and while I am not giving him all the credit, without him I wouldn’t have seen what I see now.
When I was first contemplating divorce, I felt certain that I'd get rid of everything related to XAH and would go back to my maiden name. During the course of a massage/energy work w/a wonderful woman I found, I had sort of a "vision" experience, and part of it was that XAH had changed my life deeply and permanently, and it would not serve me to pretend otherwise. I had been with him for 20 years at that point, and to think I could just rewind and do over, to think that I could deny all that we had done during those years, was foolish and unrealistic. We can start again, but we start from where we are, not where we were.
I'm in one of the rougher patches in my journey at this moment and your postings are helpful. I appreciate the thought and effort you put into each one.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Expanding
Surprisingly just breathing deep and slowly helps tremendously. The trick is to notice when it's happening so it doesn't spiral into full blown panic
I also realized that the "out of body" feeling is me trying to dissociate. It's something that people from dysfunctional homes may do in order to escape danger. When we can't fight, and we can't run away physically, we escape in other ways...
I also realized that the "out of body" feeling is me trying to dissociate. It's something that people from dysfunctional homes may do in order to escape danger. When we can't fight, and we can't run away physically, we escape in other ways...
When I need balance - I'm all about the Breath of Fire. It is amazing for grounding yourself, harmonizing internally & since it centers around the solar plexus, I think it went a long way in my rebuilding of self-trust:
10 Ways Breath Of Fire Can Take You Higher
To sleep, chakra breathing or "central column breathing":
https://books.google.com/books?id=Ky...athing&f=false
For energy - Bellows Breath
How and Why to Perform Bhastrika Breath | The Chopra Center
I just started learning/experimenting with Circular or Connected Breathing which involves continuous inhale/exhale with no breaks or holding of the breath at all. The point is that when we are holding our breath, no matter how briefly, we create tension in the body. Circular breathing allows your breath/energy/chi to move like a wheel, in continuous motion. Hopefully, it will be like another, deeper reset button that allows the lack of tension to be my baseline for feeling "normal".
Advanced Breathing Techniques
You are doing a great job at "catching up"!
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My goodness, thank you all for all the kind words. Anything I can share that may help or inspire I will...
It's been quite the ride with many ups and downs. Just finished bawling my eyes out because our home appraisal is tomorrow. I wanted to sell the house but assumed it would be because we were moving into our "forever home"... not because we had broken up with no chance of reconciliation. I have learned more about him in the past three months than I did in the previous 8 years. It's going to be a while before how I saw him reconciles with who he shows to the world.
It's like we can see deeper than others, we can see through the bad parts to the great person that is trapped inside, but they ARE trapped inside, and staying with them in hopes they will break free will tear us apart.
I choose life
It's been quite the ride with many ups and downs. Just finished bawling my eyes out because our home appraisal is tomorrow. I wanted to sell the house but assumed it would be because we were moving into our "forever home"... not because we had broken up with no chance of reconciliation. I have learned more about him in the past three months than I did in the previous 8 years. It's going to be a while before how I saw him reconciles with who he shows to the world.
It's like we can see deeper than others, we can see through the bad parts to the great person that is trapped inside, but they ARE trapped inside, and staying with them in hopes they will break free will tear us apart.
I choose life
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