need support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
need support
Hi All,
I am new to the forums, and am so so tired and in need of an understanding ear.
Here is the short version...
I have been with my significant other for over a decade, I have one son and 4 step children. 2 out of the four steps (aged 25 & 28 adults) have serious heroin and crystal meth addictions and its tearing everything apart.
Mainly the issue right now is stepson, 25. We've been dealing with his addiction for a good year or more. It went from him losing his apt, to moving in with us, to losing his job, not wanting to even try to be clean, so he only stayed with us a week, to living in the woods, to living with his mom, less than a week , when they opted to drug test him. Drug houses and woods. Arrests.... recently they told us $2000 bail, and he'd have to live with us and we would be responsible, when we said no, they let him out with no bail (PR) and right back to the streets. This week we find out his new gf (less than a month together and she cheated while he was in jail for all of 24 hours) is pregnant. She's also a crystal meth addict. He already has a 5 year old that he is no longer seeing due to his addiction and he is about to lose his drivers license for non payment of childsupport.
Phew. There's so much more. I can't even begin.
I've been on both sides, having had and kicked addictions.
But this is killing me. I watch as they are enabled over and over and I have tried to be supportive of my significant other through all of it. But they are tearing everything apart. I get that it's "his kid" . He tries to stop enabling , but when put on the spot, gives in.
For the past month or two I have tried to so hard to disengage and separate myself from it, as it is CONSUMING me. But everyday there is more. And I cant shut my mind off. When I finally get there, I get sucked back in.
If I put down the hard line that I really need to, (ie. not allowed at the house anymore AT ALL, until moving or at least trying to , in the right direction) its probably going to kill the relationship that I have worked for over the past decade. And I guess I don't blame him. If it were "my kid" I won't want him telling me he wasn't welcome at my home.
I just feel like I am drowning in other peoples problems, and they don't even see it as a problem, they're happy. Well if you call hungry, dirty and sleeping in the woods , happy. Of course, their mom allowing them food, showers and laundry isn't helping.
Ugh. sorry. I guess I just need to talk to someone who gets it. Especially when its a step kid , and the " you don't get it , it's not YOUR kid" gets thrown in your face. After being there for over a decade. I don't know how much longer I can go on.
I am new to the forums, and am so so tired and in need of an understanding ear.
Here is the short version...
I have been with my significant other for over a decade, I have one son and 4 step children. 2 out of the four steps (aged 25 & 28 adults) have serious heroin and crystal meth addictions and its tearing everything apart.
Mainly the issue right now is stepson, 25. We've been dealing with his addiction for a good year or more. It went from him losing his apt, to moving in with us, to losing his job, not wanting to even try to be clean, so he only stayed with us a week, to living in the woods, to living with his mom, less than a week , when they opted to drug test him. Drug houses and woods. Arrests.... recently they told us $2000 bail, and he'd have to live with us and we would be responsible, when we said no, they let him out with no bail (PR) and right back to the streets. This week we find out his new gf (less than a month together and she cheated while he was in jail for all of 24 hours) is pregnant. She's also a crystal meth addict. He already has a 5 year old that he is no longer seeing due to his addiction and he is about to lose his drivers license for non payment of childsupport.
Phew. There's so much more. I can't even begin.
I've been on both sides, having had and kicked addictions.
But this is killing me. I watch as they are enabled over and over and I have tried to be supportive of my significant other through all of it. But they are tearing everything apart. I get that it's "his kid" . He tries to stop enabling , but when put on the spot, gives in.
For the past month or two I have tried to so hard to disengage and separate myself from it, as it is CONSUMING me. But everyday there is more. And I cant shut my mind off. When I finally get there, I get sucked back in.
If I put down the hard line that I really need to, (ie. not allowed at the house anymore AT ALL, until moving or at least trying to , in the right direction) its probably going to kill the relationship that I have worked for over the past decade. And I guess I don't blame him. If it were "my kid" I won't want him telling me he wasn't welcome at my home.
I just feel like I am drowning in other peoples problems, and they don't even see it as a problem, they're happy. Well if you call hungry, dirty and sleeping in the woods , happy. Of course, their mom allowing them food, showers and laundry isn't helping.
Ugh. sorry. I guess I just need to talk to someone who gets it. Especially when its a step kid , and the " you don't get it , it's not YOUR kid" gets thrown in your face. After being there for over a decade. I don't know how much longer I can go on.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I get it because my adult son is an addict and I know the horror of a good home turning into a war zone.
What helped me and may help you (and the rest of the family if they are interested) is to find meetings, Al-anon, CoDA and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships, where you can find your balance again and learn to set boundaries that you will be able to enforce. These meetings literally saved my life.
Family and individual counseling may help too. It's not a situation that is going to go away any time soon so it's important that everyone learn to stand together and let the addict find their own low and pay their own consequence for using drugs. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. The founder of this site once told us mama's that we could just "love" our addicted children right into their grave if we didn't let go. That may have been the wisest words I ever heard.
Glad you found us here, take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum. Hopefully you will find the support you need here, and take some comfort in the fact that you are no longer alone.
Hugs
What helped me and may help you (and the rest of the family if they are interested) is to find meetings, Al-anon, CoDA and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships, where you can find your balance again and learn to set boundaries that you will be able to enforce. These meetings literally saved my life.
Family and individual counseling may help too. It's not a situation that is going to go away any time soon so it's important that everyone learn to stand together and let the addict find their own low and pay their own consequence for using drugs. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here. The founder of this site once told us mama's that we could just "love" our addicted children right into their grave if we didn't let go. That may have been the wisest words I ever heard.
Glad you found us here, take a read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum. Hopefully you will find the support you need here, and take some comfort in the fact that you are no longer alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes "we" have to get ourselves off the sinking ship and into a life boat. If the others don't want to join us right now, maybe they will catch up later.
Sometimes being the change we want to see in others makes them witness that there is another way to cope with addicted loved ones other then enabling.
If your husband won't seek help, you do it, for you!! Al-anon, nar-anon, counseling.
Keep posting, keep venting!!!
Sometimes being the change we want to see in others makes them witness that there is another way to cope with addicted loved ones other then enabling.
If your husband won't seek help, you do it, for you!! Al-anon, nar-anon, counseling.
Keep posting, keep venting!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree. Face to face support is what you need right now. Of course, the wonderful folks here at SR are with you as well!
Maybe you can make a deal with your husband that if he is coming over that you get advance notice and will not be home during that time, or that he has to meet him outside the house? Just a thought, I know it's not always that easy and planned though.
I just know that when my X who is addicted to benzos and alcohol were in a bad phase, I just could not be around him. Nor could my children. So while I was forming my plan, when he was there, I simply left. Not for long, just until he got past that bad phase. It got me and my kids away from the chaos.
It's no way to live long term, but it did help me at the time.
Many, many hugs.
Maybe you can make a deal with your husband that if he is coming over that you get advance notice and will not be home during that time, or that he has to meet him outside the house? Just a thought, I know it's not always that easy and planned though.
I just know that when my X who is addicted to benzos and alcohol were in a bad phase, I just could not be around him. Nor could my children. So while I was forming my plan, when he was there, I simply left. Not for long, just until he got past that bad phase. It got me and my kids away from the chaos.
It's no way to live long term, but it did help me at the time.
Many, many hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Thanks all.
Last night was pretty ugly. For months and months husband has been saying that they are not to be here unsupervised and then goes to leave them there. I am not comfortable with them having free access to the house. Too much has gone on. When I confronted him about it, it turned to that I was always against his son since the beginning, and fine, he'd tell him he was no longer welcome, Ever, even after he got sober. Just really an ugly ugly time, and I am the bad guy, as usual. I'm tired of everything getting twisted. Ugly enough that he threatened to leave, and tired enough that I told fine, go live in the woods with them, then, cause I am tired of being threatened being left everytime I say anything he perceives as negative about the kids. I'm sorry, there is not much positive TO SAY, right now. I'm tired of the responsibility of the mess not being laid at the feet of the people it belongs to. Nah, I'm the bad guy. ugh.
Last night was pretty ugly. For months and months husband has been saying that they are not to be here unsupervised and then goes to leave them there. I am not comfortable with them having free access to the house. Too much has gone on. When I confronted him about it, it turned to that I was always against his son since the beginning, and fine, he'd tell him he was no longer welcome, Ever, even after he got sober. Just really an ugly ugly time, and I am the bad guy, as usual. I'm tired of everything getting twisted. Ugly enough that he threatened to leave, and tired enough that I told fine, go live in the woods with them, then, cause I am tired of being threatened being left everytime I say anything he perceives as negative about the kids. I'm sorry, there is not much positive TO SAY, right now. I'm tired of the responsibility of the mess not being laid at the feet of the people it belongs to. Nah, I'm the bad guy. ugh.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Most of the time the enablers are equally as sick as the addict is. Your husband is mirroring much of the character traits of an addict. Denying, defending, deflecting and blame just like the addicts do. Has your husband gone for any kind of recovery for himself? Like nar-anon or al-anon or therapy?
Usually the main focus for families is on the addict and in your case it’s like double that because your husband is also in need of help for his endangering enabling behaviors.
And much like the addict who lives in denial so does the enabler because the enabler “loves” the addict as much as the addict loves their drugs. It's a vicious cycle.
You can’t change your husband or make him see the light of day just like you can’t make the addict get clean, so the only person you can change is you.
Now is the time to figure out how you wish to live your life and that life can not include making anyone else change.
Usually the main focus for families is on the addict and in your case it’s like double that because your husband is also in need of help for his endangering enabling behaviors.
And much like the addict who lives in denial so does the enabler because the enabler “loves” the addict as much as the addict loves their drugs. It's a vicious cycle.
You can’t change your husband or make him see the light of day just like you can’t make the addict get clean, so the only person you can change is you.
Now is the time to figure out how you wish to live your life and that life can not include making anyone else change.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by atalose 
Most of the time the enablers are equally as sick as the addict is. Your husband is mirroring much of the character traits of an addict. Denying, defending, deflecting and blame just like the addicts do. Has your husband gone for any kind of recovery for himself? Like nar-anon or al-anon or therapy?
Usually the main focus for families is on the addict and in your case it’s like double that because your husband is also in need of help for his endangering enabling behaviors.
And much like the addict who lives in denial so does the enabler because the enabler “loves” the addict as much as the addict loves their drugs. It's a vicious cycle.
You can’t change your husband or make him see the light of day just like you can’t make the addict get clean, so the only person you can change is you.
Now is the time to figure out how you wish to live your life and that life can not include making anyone else change.
Usually the main focus for families is on the addict and in your case it’s like double that because your husband is also in need of help for his endangering enabling behaviors.
And much like the addict who lives in denial so does the enabler because the enabler “loves” the addict as much as the addict loves their drugs. It's a vicious cycle.
You can’t change your husband or make him see the light of day just like you can’t make the addict get clean, so the only person you can change is you.
Now is the time to figure out how you wish to live your life and that life can not include making anyone else change.
Read it and reread it a few times
Very valuable information...so true
Thanks
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sephra......I will share, with you, my own experience with this....my son is sober, now....but......at one time he DID live in the woods. He lived behind a shopping center, hidden in the trees. It was just a few miles from the home that my husband and I lived in.
He actually did an amazing job of survival. He was able to use the "services" of the very large and upscale shopping center....they had bathrooms for his hygiene needs...fast food services...lounging areas with heat/airconditioning.....and he could meet his friends, there...
he had some of the benefit of social services...free bus passes on the shuttle buses and acces to food bank and food allowances. He did have a bicycle and di d enough "side jobs" to have enough money to survive....
This all came about, when my husband (his stepfather) and I finally decided that he could never stay at our house. again, unless he was in recovery......
His pattern was, that when he was "down on his luck" to ask to stay at our house u ntil he "got back on his feet".....
Welll.......he never kept his "promise" not to drink....and our home became the same battleground that you describe....the tension was beyond awful.....it was like we were walking on hot coals, all of the time....(worse than eggshells)....
I spent most of that time, either crying or not sleeping.....
Eventually, my husband and I would start snapping at each other, also, from the tension..... My son would leave...go somewhere else---usually another town or another state to work (he was very skilled and had good work ethic when sober).....but then, he would boomerang back...with a sob story and beg to stay a short time "to get back on his feet--with promises of no drinking"....and the cycle would begin AGAIN!......
Now, my husband was a very kind man and my son really loved him also! But, the drinking was like poison.
My husband and I finally agreed, that no matter what....he had to go and could never return to the home again...ever...except for short visits if he was in recovery and working a real program for a long time.....No more assistance form us.
This was how the l iving in the woods came about.....
He did that for about 2yrs. (he was allowed to come to the front porch and talk to us....if he was cold sober...but not come into the house).
He did come over on the shuttle bus and talk to us frequently....but, if he wasn't sober,,,he knew that we would call the police for trespassing.....
Why the woods?......he actually told me in our on the "front porch" talks....that he felt "free" when he was in the tent, at night. that--he loved the independence and no one to try and "control" him.....that he liked being a "survivor"......
LOl...lol.....lol......
Later, after he got sober....he has told me that he was actually miserable inside, that whole time!
the freedom. that he had spoken of, was actually the freedom to drink without interference, in the tent, at night!
He has never been allowed to come back to the home to live...even though he has asked, a couple of times..because he wants to return to our community, and state, to live.
I think that the saving grace for me was that my husband and I were able to get on the same page....if not, I think that it would have driven us apart......
I think that you and your husband have to get on the same page....if not...better to separate until you can.....because having as manipulative addict in your home
or your LIFE will destroy all that is in the path.....
Sepra....I wrote all of this, because my heart goes out to you...and, I hope it is of some help....
I encourage you to get the help that you and your husband need.....before more damage is done and it may be too late.....
If your husband won't go for help....then, I suggest that you do it , alone---for yourself....
Much empathy to you for what you are going through!
dandylion
He actually did an amazing job of survival. He was able to use the "services" of the very large and upscale shopping center....they had bathrooms for his hygiene needs...fast food services...lounging areas with heat/airconditioning.....and he could meet his friends, there...
he had some of the benefit of social services...free bus passes on the shuttle buses and acces to food bank and food allowances. He did have a bicycle and di d enough "side jobs" to have enough money to survive....
This all came about, when my husband (his stepfather) and I finally decided that he could never stay at our house. again, unless he was in recovery......
His pattern was, that when he was "down on his luck" to ask to stay at our house u ntil he "got back on his feet".....
Welll.......he never kept his "promise" not to drink....and our home became the same battleground that you describe....the tension was beyond awful.....it was like we were walking on hot coals, all of the time....(worse than eggshells)....
I spent most of that time, either crying or not sleeping.....
Eventually, my husband and I would start snapping at each other, also, from the tension..... My son would leave...go somewhere else---usually another town or another state to work (he was very skilled and had good work ethic when sober).....but then, he would boomerang back...with a sob story and beg to stay a short time "to get back on his feet--with promises of no drinking"....and the cycle would begin AGAIN!......
Now, my husband was a very kind man and my son really loved him also! But, the drinking was like poison.
My husband and I finally agreed, that no matter what....he had to go and could never return to the home again...ever...except for short visits if he was in recovery and working a real program for a long time.....No more assistance form us.
This was how the l iving in the woods came about.....
He did that for about 2yrs. (he was allowed to come to the front porch and talk to us....if he was cold sober...but not come into the house).
He did come over on the shuttle bus and talk to us frequently....but, if he wasn't sober,,,he knew that we would call the police for trespassing.....
Why the woods?......he actually told me in our on the "front porch" talks....that he felt "free" when he was in the tent, at night. that--he loved the independence and no one to try and "control" him.....that he liked being a "survivor"......
LOl...lol.....lol......
Later, after he got sober....he has told me that he was actually miserable inside, that whole time!
the freedom. that he had spoken of, was actually the freedom to drink without interference, in the tent, at night!
He has never been allowed to come back to the home to live...even though he has asked, a couple of times..because he wants to return to our community, and state, to live.
I think that the saving grace for me was that my husband and I were able to get on the same page....if not, I think that it would have driven us apart......
I think that you and your husband have to get on the same page....if not...better to separate until you can.....because having as manipulative addict in your home
or your LIFE will destroy all that is in the path.....
Sepra....I wrote all of this, because my heart goes out to you...and, I hope it is of some help....
I encourage you to get the help that you and your husband need.....before more damage is done and it may be too late.....
If your husband won't go for help....then, I suggest that you do it , alone---for yourself....
Much empathy to you for what you are going through!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 90
I'm glad you've found this group and hope you will find as much comfort here as I have been finding.
The addict in my life is a sibling, not a child. But, that puts my husband and I in a position where he "belongs" more to one of us than the other. Since he "belongs" to me, I carry a heavy burden of guilt. As I slowly realize the extent of what my husband has endured due to my enabling behavior, that package of guilt grows heavier.
When I comment on him being "mine," it doesn't come from not believing that my husband loves him. I know he does. It comes from really responsible or to-blame for the situations at hand. It's a defensive thing.
As the situation has come to a head, it has been important for us to deliberately take time out and focus on our marriage. We've reached a point where we can act in solidarity. I don't think the marriage could have survived otherwise.
I don't have any productive advice for you, I don't think. I just want you to know that you're not alone here. I think everyone here who is married understands what a horrible strain the addiction of anyone in the family unit puts on a marriage, though our individual situations vary in a lot of ways.
"You can’t change your husband or make him see the light of day just like you can’t make the addict get clean, so the only person you can change is you.
Now is the time to figure out how you wish to live your life and that life can not include making anyone else change." I think that is some great advice from Atalose.
The addict in my life is a sibling, not a child. But, that puts my husband and I in a position where he "belongs" more to one of us than the other. Since he "belongs" to me, I carry a heavy burden of guilt. As I slowly realize the extent of what my husband has endured due to my enabling behavior, that package of guilt grows heavier.
When I comment on him being "mine," it doesn't come from not believing that my husband loves him. I know he does. It comes from really responsible or to-blame for the situations at hand. It's a defensive thing.
As the situation has come to a head, it has been important for us to deliberately take time out and focus on our marriage. We've reached a point where we can act in solidarity. I don't think the marriage could have survived otherwise.
I don't have any productive advice for you, I don't think. I just want you to know that you're not alone here. I think everyone here who is married understands what a horrible strain the addiction of anyone in the family unit puts on a marriage, though our individual situations vary in a lot of ways.
"You can’t change your husband or make him see the light of day just like you can’t make the addict get clean, so the only person you can change is you.
Now is the time to figure out how you wish to live your life and that life can not include making anyone else change." I think that is some great advice from Atalose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Thank you guys.
Your kindness brought me to tears today. I feel like I've been carrying this for so so long. I know that the things that you say are true.
I have never really put much thought into the effects that enabling had on others besides the addict. But wow. It's a lot to think about.
I did look into a nar-anon meeting but unfortunately, the closest one I found was over an hour away. I'm not sure about checking out the al-anon. I guess the premises are probably the same, but there is a huge difference between dealing with an alcoholic and dealing with a meth head. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is all the same.
I told my husband I was thinking about counciling to learn some better coping skills and I think he took it as insulting , it doesn't look like he will be willing to go.
During our epic blow out the other night, his solution was that we should no longer discuss it. (run away from the problem much?) Last night we got more rescue me texts. I didn't ask about them. This morning he shared, it was just more of the same old rhetoric.
I feel like the general advice, is really, take it as long as you can, then cut the addict out of your life, until they are ready to try to get sober. And man, they aren't ready yet. Not by a long shot. It scares me that it could be decades....
Your kindness brought me to tears today. I feel like I've been carrying this for so so long. I know that the things that you say are true.
I have never really put much thought into the effects that enabling had on others besides the addict. But wow. It's a lot to think about.
I did look into a nar-anon meeting but unfortunately, the closest one I found was over an hour away. I'm not sure about checking out the al-anon. I guess the premises are probably the same, but there is a huge difference between dealing with an alcoholic and dealing with a meth head. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is all the same.
I told my husband I was thinking about counciling to learn some better coping skills and I think he took it as insulting , it doesn't look like he will be willing to go.
During our epic blow out the other night, his solution was that we should no longer discuss it. (run away from the problem much?) Last night we got more rescue me texts. I didn't ask about them. This morning he shared, it was just more of the same old rhetoric.
I feel like the general advice, is really, take it as long as you can, then cut the addict out of your life, until they are ready to try to get sober. And man, they aren't ready yet. Not by a long shot. It scares me that it could be decades....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sephra......one thing that you might be "missing" here is that....if the addict is not ready to put full effort into getting clean....your "help" and your best intentions --really amount to enabling....And, sometimes, the best thing you can do for the addict that is leaning on you (rescue me) is to point them toward help and then GET OUT OF THEIR WAY. anything more will harm them and suck the very life out of your bones...,,
You will NEVER hear me say "Take it as long as you can".
NEVER.
dandylion
You will NEVER hear me say "Take it as long as you can".
NEVER.
dandylion
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