Day 14: Dad, peer pressure, and slips
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Day 14: Dad, peer pressure, and slips
14 days:
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
Over the weekend, I went to visit my aunt. We are very close. There was a family reunion to attend, which is an annual event that I always look forward to attending. I have a very interesting family. It is all of my dad’s first cousins and their families. His first cousins are all like siblings to one another because they were raised in the same little cove in Appalachia. They were in and out of one another’s homes on a daily basis. My dad even lived with some of them for a while. So really, these people are not just cousins or extended family. They are close family. My dad was going to be there and that is always a very happy time for me.
DAD:
As I have noted previously in other posts, he is an alcoholic and our relationship suffered as a result. I am different than some adult children of alcoholics- I didn’t grow up in chaos as a result of his drinking. My parents separated when I was 10 years old, in the year or two preceding that my dad’s alcoholism progressed to full blown- he worked out of town during the week and came home on weekends. During his workweek he roomed with his colleagues in a rented house. They were bachelors and heavy drinkers. He became one as well. Previous to that he was only a social drinker as far as I recall. On the weekend, I remember my mom worried because he hadn’t come home and I remember her loading us up in the truck and driving over to where she thought he was. He was drunk and she followed him home. Once he let my 12-year-old brother drive his truck because he was too drunk to drive. Later he wrecked his company truck and claimed a deer had jumped in front of him. But in reality he had been drinking. My dad developed an affair while working out of town and that was the demise of the relationship between my parents. My mother, my siblings and I moved in with my grandmother in another state after several months of him not coming to visit us. My preteen years, teens, and ever since, my dad has been touch and go. We would have times when he would call regularly, then others when he wouldn’t make any contact. I once went 6 or 7 years in my 20s without talking to him or seeing him. I got tired of trying. But as time went on, I came to understand him more. He didn’t come around because he didn’t want us to see him drunk. Many of my visits with him, I smelled alcohol on him. In fact, most visits I smelled alcohol. He didn’t really drink in front of me much. He was kind and loving. I adored him. But he wasn’t present.
I had given up hope that he would ever stop drinking or smoking. He has COPD and still smoked heavily. Often when my dad said he would be somewhere, he didn’t show up. I know now that was because of his drinking.
So Saturday, when I was going to the reunion, I hoped to see him but prepared for him not to be there. I hadn’t seen him since February though we talked every couple of weeks.
Lo and behold, miracles can and do happen. My dad showed up on his motorcycle, sober. I smelled no alcohol. He was clear as a bell and to beat all, he was chewing gum and not coughing. He quit smoking!!!
He told me that his doctor said that his COPD wouldn’t progress any further but he still had it. He said that he only coughs in the morning when he wakes up because his lungs are clearing. It was very hot out. Previously on hot days, my dad had to stay indoors with air condition because he would smother. He couldn’t walk to the mail box without getting winded. He rode two hours on a motorcycle in the heat to the reunion without a drink, without a cigarette, and he could breathe!
I told him that was the biggest and best gift he could ever give me. He said that his doctor said if he hadn’t stopped smoking, he wouldn’t have lasted but a few more years. But now, he has increased his chances of living much longer. My heart was full of joy.
I asked him how he did it. He said, I asked God to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. And that rang a bell. That’s what we talk about in AA.
PEER PRESSURE:
On another note, my aunt has alcohol in her home. She keeps it. She is someone that entertains and drinks socially. I was welcome to drink whatever I wanted. Wine, beer, liquor. But while I stayed at her home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I didn’t partake even when she was having a beer. However, on Saturday at the reunion my cousin was drinking vodka and club soda and she offered to make me a drink. I replied no thanks. Then a little later she said are you sure you don’t want a drink. I said nah, that's ok. Then she asked again later, and embarrassed I told her she could make me one. I intended to hold it and not really drink it. I didn’t want to tell my cousin about being in recovery even though I had told her mom, my aunt. I held the drink and didn’t drink it. I left it sitting. And later my cousin came up to me, noticing I wasn’t drinking it, and asked if she made it too strong. She took it and put more club soda in it. Then she asked me to take a walk with her to chitchat and she put the drink in my hand. I felt very uncomfortable. I drank the drink. I guess I just wanted her to shut up about it. I drank it. But I did not drink another the whole weekend and I have learned an important lesson. I slipped but I am still determined to stay sober and not drink. I am proud that during these two weeks through much emotional turmoil and stress, I have not taken a drink. I am proud that even when it was available to me, I didn’t drink on my own. What I have learned is that when someone asks me if I want a drink and I think that they will not respect the reply, “ No, thanks.” I must straight up tell them that I do not drink anymore. That was my mistake. My cousin is a doctor. If I had told her that I was in recovery, she wouldn’t have pushed me. But I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to tell her.
Questions:
What are some techniques for standing up to peer pressure when it comes to alcohol?
Should I restart my days of sobriety since I had a drink on Saturday? Does it erase all of the progress so far?
Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.
Over the weekend, I went to visit my aunt. We are very close. There was a family reunion to attend, which is an annual event that I always look forward to attending. I have a very interesting family. It is all of my dad’s first cousins and their families. His first cousins are all like siblings to one another because they were raised in the same little cove in Appalachia. They were in and out of one another’s homes on a daily basis. My dad even lived with some of them for a while. So really, these people are not just cousins or extended family. They are close family. My dad was going to be there and that is always a very happy time for me.
DAD:
As I have noted previously in other posts, he is an alcoholic and our relationship suffered as a result. I am different than some adult children of alcoholics- I didn’t grow up in chaos as a result of his drinking. My parents separated when I was 10 years old, in the year or two preceding that my dad’s alcoholism progressed to full blown- he worked out of town during the week and came home on weekends. During his workweek he roomed with his colleagues in a rented house. They were bachelors and heavy drinkers. He became one as well. Previous to that he was only a social drinker as far as I recall. On the weekend, I remember my mom worried because he hadn’t come home and I remember her loading us up in the truck and driving over to where she thought he was. He was drunk and she followed him home. Once he let my 12-year-old brother drive his truck because he was too drunk to drive. Later he wrecked his company truck and claimed a deer had jumped in front of him. But in reality he had been drinking. My dad developed an affair while working out of town and that was the demise of the relationship between my parents. My mother, my siblings and I moved in with my grandmother in another state after several months of him not coming to visit us. My preteen years, teens, and ever since, my dad has been touch and go. We would have times when he would call regularly, then others when he wouldn’t make any contact. I once went 6 or 7 years in my 20s without talking to him or seeing him. I got tired of trying. But as time went on, I came to understand him more. He didn’t come around because he didn’t want us to see him drunk. Many of my visits with him, I smelled alcohol on him. In fact, most visits I smelled alcohol. He didn’t really drink in front of me much. He was kind and loving. I adored him. But he wasn’t present.
I had given up hope that he would ever stop drinking or smoking. He has COPD and still smoked heavily. Often when my dad said he would be somewhere, he didn’t show up. I know now that was because of his drinking.
So Saturday, when I was going to the reunion, I hoped to see him but prepared for him not to be there. I hadn’t seen him since February though we talked every couple of weeks.
Lo and behold, miracles can and do happen. My dad showed up on his motorcycle, sober. I smelled no alcohol. He was clear as a bell and to beat all, he was chewing gum and not coughing. He quit smoking!!!
He told me that his doctor said that his COPD wouldn’t progress any further but he still had it. He said that he only coughs in the morning when he wakes up because his lungs are clearing. It was very hot out. Previously on hot days, my dad had to stay indoors with air condition because he would smother. He couldn’t walk to the mail box without getting winded. He rode two hours on a motorcycle in the heat to the reunion without a drink, without a cigarette, and he could breathe!
I told him that was the biggest and best gift he could ever give me. He said that his doctor said if he hadn’t stopped smoking, he wouldn’t have lasted but a few more years. But now, he has increased his chances of living much longer. My heart was full of joy.
I asked him how he did it. He said, I asked God to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. And that rang a bell. That’s what we talk about in AA.
PEER PRESSURE:
On another note, my aunt has alcohol in her home. She keeps it. She is someone that entertains and drinks socially. I was welcome to drink whatever I wanted. Wine, beer, liquor. But while I stayed at her home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, I didn’t partake even when she was having a beer. However, on Saturday at the reunion my cousin was drinking vodka and club soda and she offered to make me a drink. I replied no thanks. Then a little later she said are you sure you don’t want a drink. I said nah, that's ok. Then she asked again later, and embarrassed I told her she could make me one. I intended to hold it and not really drink it. I didn’t want to tell my cousin about being in recovery even though I had told her mom, my aunt. I held the drink and didn’t drink it. I left it sitting. And later my cousin came up to me, noticing I wasn’t drinking it, and asked if she made it too strong. She took it and put more club soda in it. Then she asked me to take a walk with her to chitchat and she put the drink in my hand. I felt very uncomfortable. I drank the drink. I guess I just wanted her to shut up about it. I drank it. But I did not drink another the whole weekend and I have learned an important lesson. I slipped but I am still determined to stay sober and not drink. I am proud that during these two weeks through much emotional turmoil and stress, I have not taken a drink. I am proud that even when it was available to me, I didn’t drink on my own. What I have learned is that when someone asks me if I want a drink and I think that they will not respect the reply, “ No, thanks.” I must straight up tell them that I do not drink anymore. That was my mistake. My cousin is a doctor. If I had told her that I was in recovery, she wouldn’t have pushed me. But I was embarrassed and I didn’t want to tell her.
Questions:
What are some techniques for standing up to peer pressure when it comes to alcohol?
Should I restart my days of sobriety since I had a drink on Saturday? Does it erase all of the progress so far?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Your Dad's background is similar to my Dad's. He grew up with his cousins on a 'hill' in Pittsburgh that was named after my family (my great grandfather was a notable guy in Pittsburgh's history). They were like siblings, and all drank/drink a ton.
I can't even imagine the feeling of seeing my father sober and maybe even in recovery. Admitting that there was a problem? Unthinkable. That must have meant the world. I'm happy for you.
Peer pressure. Yes. Stand your ground. Tell them you do not drink, that is that. Its up to you whether you tell them you're alcoholic but if that makes you accountable then do it. I have found that rarely do people push alcohol. It is out of line and not normal to be honest. Tell them you're on a health kick, tell them you break out in hives and are allergic, tell them you're on meds that won't mix with alcohol. Or just say an emphatic NO.
Whether or not you restart your sober days is up to you. I probably would. I would restart my sober days if I used any substance in an addictive way. It does not erase any progress, IMO. But being brutally honest with myself is important. And being brutally honest here is important. You've done that. Good on ya.
I can't even imagine the feeling of seeing my father sober and maybe even in recovery. Admitting that there was a problem? Unthinkable. That must have meant the world. I'm happy for you.
Peer pressure. Yes. Stand your ground. Tell them you do not drink, that is that. Its up to you whether you tell them you're alcoholic but if that makes you accountable then do it. I have found that rarely do people push alcohol. It is out of line and not normal to be honest. Tell them you're on a health kick, tell them you break out in hives and are allergic, tell them you're on meds that won't mix with alcohol. Or just say an emphatic NO.
Whether or not you restart your sober days is up to you. I probably would. I would restart my sober days if I used any substance in an addictive way. It does not erase any progress, IMO. But being brutally honest with myself is important. And being brutally honest here is important. You've done that. Good on ya.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
I have found that rarely do people push alcohol. It is out of line and not normal to be honest. .
I was quite surprised by how adamant my cousin was that we drink together. No one else was drinking at the reunion and she was making the drinks covertly. In the past, my cousin and I have drunk liberally together. This was before my drinking progressed to alcoholism. We hadn’t spent time together in a long while and we both wanted to have a good time together. She isn’t able to relax easily. She is a quite anxious person (as I am) and I sensed she was uncomfortable with the social interaction at the reunion. I think that she wanted me to drink so that she wouldn't feel bad for her own drinking. She has been under high stress with medical school and is getting ready to start her residency. She recently 'broke up' with her boyfriend. I am worried for her. As an alcoholic now in recovery, it’s not hard to see when another person is potentially an alcoholic. I think that she might have a problem.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Pearlady, 'No, thanks' is an appropriate response when asked if you want an alcoholic drink. It's rude for people to push harder when you have said 'No' and you do not need to feel like you have to explain your position to anyone, unless you choose to do so. By standing firm and being proud of your 'No, thanks', you are likely helping your cousin see that her position is perilous.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
That is what I have found Pear. If someone pushes, or questions my choice, probes for info, they generally have some 'issue' with alcohol themselves. I have also found that people who have parents that are boozers or have dated or have been married to a boozer can also be suspicious. I am one of those
And alcoholics/problem drinkers are easy to spot with the trained eye
Maybe in the future you can lead by example. Maybe she'll even open up to you if she has a problem and sees you pursuing abstinence.
And alcoholics/problem drinkers are easy to spot with the trained eye Maybe in the future you can lead by example. Maybe she'll even open up to you if she has a problem and sees you pursuing abstinence.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
