Iwishonstars777

Sooooo, "kicking" my fiance out last week didn't work, as usual. This week, something sparked me and I was serious. He packed quite a bit of stuff to take to his brothers. However, one bag is still in my car. I haven't talked to him since last night. He has an appointment in the evening later and I'm sure he is expecting me to take him. I told him he needed to figure out what he was going to do. Anyhow, I can't stop saying a bunch of bad stuff in my head but I slept with an old friend of mine. Anddd, I don't feel that bad about it. And I'm thinking why the f would I do that? (And then i think about all the past **** hes done and all the girls hes talked to and who knows what. He denies everthing but i dont believe that.)Was that ok? Does that make me? I'm not a promiscuous person by all means and this kind of goes against my logical beliefs. Like it probably wasn't the best of decisions but oh well I did what I did. And I don't feel that bad about it.
Please tell me im not alone.

Ann

You're not a bad person, you're not a promiscuous person, you are a person who made a decision that may or may not come back to haunt you...and you alone can deal with how you feel about that.

If you do something because it feels right to you is different than if you do something to get back at what was done that hurt you.

Your life is yours to live how you choose, nobody will judge you or pin labels in you...but you seem to be doing that to yourself. Maybe give it some thought and take your time working through what must be very difficult emotions right now, dealing with the break up of one relationship while beginning another.

Hugs

zoso77

I'm going to offer a spin on this that may or may not be well received. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I think sex is often used as a short term balm when we're suffering from emotional pain. I have a good friend, for example, whose self esteem is linked to how often he gets laid. In my own experience, when I initially got together with my AXGF, it was to avoid the fact I was badly hurting from a breakup. So getting laid is a great distraction; an orgasm can mask a lot of pain. But it can also make you vulnerable in ways you don't consider. In my case, my AXGF used her body to reel me in. And that's the kind of thing Oscar Wilde was referring to when he said (paraphrasing), Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

At the end of the day, though...at least for me...if I'm going to be intimate with someone, I have to love and care about them deeply. My current girlfriend and I waited about 7 weeks before we made love, and I'm glad we did because we got to know each other before making that plunge.

So, are you promiscuous? No. Did you do something that may not have been in your best interests? Maybe. I think there's something to be said about being on our own for a while after a breakup, especially a breakup with an addict. I think there's something to be said for learning how to be whole on our own, and to be happy on our own. And when we finally meet someone we care about, sexual intimacy can be that much better...even sweeter...

AnvilheadII

it's called Revenge Sex and you are not the only person ever to have gone that route. for some it's a very effective way to truly MAKE THE BREAK.

please tell me you used protection. THAT is absolutely crucial.

now you have to decide your next steps. seems like all the dealbreakers are now out on the table. i do hope you don't flaunt this in the STBX's face, that would serve no purpose. and you should probably look into some other ways to get the frustration and resentment out!

Hechosedrugs

I don't know what's right for you, only that this wouldn't be right for me. I really, really want to sleep with someone new, but I know how I am. I'm in love with being in love, and my mind has trouble thinking of sex as a separate entity. So I could find Mr. Right Now, and without going through the proper vetting process attach all of my hopes and dreams to him- and he could very well be much, much worse than my STBXAH!

Personally, I've decided the only course for me is "Mormon Dating". I dabbled in Mormonism in my teens, and learned that they have a unique way of dating in that they believe in dating as many different people as possible before committing to a relationship or getting physical in any sense. The vetting process is crucial! And I'm seriously considering asking to see a potential love interests' credit score before being intimate. That'd be awkward as heck, but after having my identity stolen and my financial future destroyed I need every proof of stability possible. Not stable= not worthy! Sorry, not sorry!

Anyway, what's done is done. You don't seem to have any regrets, and if you do, you shouldn't. It's your life to live how you choose. But do be careful.

August252015

You are not alone, in my experience - though I was at least one of the alcoholics in the relationship, if we both weren't.

I echo what was said above about you made your own decision, it doesn't sound like you are promiscuous, and you may have made a bad decision for you. I am also someone who simply cannot fathom a relationship of any kind at this point; this is to the extent that it has only occurred to me TWICE since I stopped drinking (really, before that, even in the last year and a half) that a guy was even good looking.

I am also not particularly excited about my three resentment lists as far as doing the sex one is concerned. That is a whole big can of worms - I behaved very badly at times, and very much NOT in keeping with my moral code, in lots of ways - but I know I will have to do it. I would just suggest that you look at the why of your actions and not create (or perpetuate) a pattern that will ultimately cause you pain or regret, best you are able to do so.

Hang in there!!

glitterdeva

Many of us, humans, have been there I have been legally separated from my ex since March haven't seen him since then. My therapist said that I should go on a coffee with an opposite sex, just to see what it is like, to have a short convo with non-addict. My date came with a gun and he ended up being.....DEA agent I swear. I was sitting there - like dope? What is that? Omg, I have never seen a drug in my life (meanwhile ex is a heroin user ). Sometimes, Universe gives us these little treats You slept with someone else - think of it as a reminder, that there IS somewhere else, in fact, there ARE alot of other people in this world, non-addicts, who we can one day be with long term or you know, short term DON'T FEEL BAD!!!!

teatreeoil007

I don't think promiscuity has much to do with it.... But your own conscience is troubling you or you wouldn't have posted this seeking validation??

Iwishonstars777

Thank you everyone. And yes, we used protection. This is a friend that I previously was with, not dating, before my af..or xaf..weird to even say. He is also someone who Ive talked to on occasion over the years but didn't want to keep a constant contact because of my relationship..and obviously the obvious. I guess I have a problem letting go now that I think of it. He's the only guy that I've slept with and not had a relationship with. Neither of us intend to have a relationship. He's always been someone I trust and has always pushed me along to achieve my goals. We've been friends for over 10 years now. Not trying to make excuses just trying to figure myself out and the why. My ideal breakup would not include a partner right after a breakup knowing i need to heal myself but nothing ever happens as I wish it to. Lol. I guess at this point like it usually should be, it's one day at a time. I just don't get why I do the things I do sometimes. I don't know, maybe it is to help get over the breakup. I've tried to breakup with him multiple times over the years. I do deserve better and I do deserve peace and stability.

I like the Dea story. Lol and this guy has done well for himself over the years and he does give me hope that there are other guys out there who will treat me right and aren't addicts. I know I'm definitely not ready for a relationship.

Glad I'm not alone.

Iwishonstars777

I seem to always be seeking validation and reassurance. Gotten worse over the years with my addict as I never knew if the decisions i was making was right or wrong.
Is that a normal "trait" for us? How do I fix that? What do I do? (Gee, holy moly, there it is again!)

teatreeoil007

Well I think you're right... Many co-dependent look to people for validation... Very true...