Dating after relationship with an A

Old 06-12-2016, 07:14 AM
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Dating after relationship with an A

Hello all,

Since my break up with my XABF, I've focussed on myself, my business and my friends. I've taken a much needed and wonderful vacation to Roatan where I got eaten alive by mosquitos and gotten my scuba diving certification.

I've also recently started dating. I am by no means ready to contemplate a long term relationship with someone, but I'm not opposed to meeting new people.

I've noticed that things are different for me this time around. It feels like my ******** detector is working overtime. I take time to analyze every little thing...A lot! On the bright side, it forces me to go slowly and think of myself and my needs first.

However, I've also noticed that healthy interactions now feel weird or foreign to me. I have to pause and think "oh yes, that how well-ajusted adults act".

Has this ever happened to you?
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Old 06-12-2016, 07:47 AM
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^ um, yes!!! Yes! Nowadays if something feels foreign it usually means I'm on the right track.
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Old 06-12-2016, 07:57 AM
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So foreign and weird is good and comfortable and normal, not so much?
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Old 06-12-2016, 09:00 AM
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One of the most valuable things I got from my ex is that BS detector. It is like there is a simultaneous interpreting in my head of what someone says. And if there is too much BS, I start hearing whah whah whah (Charlie Brown's teacher).

I am glad things are working out for you, and yay! for vacation!
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Old 06-12-2016, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Kata View Post

However, I've also noticed that healthy interactions now feel weird or foreign to me. I have to pause and think "oh yes, that how well-ajusted adults act".

Has this ever happened to you?
Went through some of that when I started dating normies.
Stick with it and you will find way less drama in your dating life.

I married a normie -- drama free on her side -- me, still a sober work in process.
MB
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:11 AM
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Yes! After my divorce (17 years ago) I only dated "bad boys" and ones that had issues thinking I could HELP them and I didn't deserve "normal". Classic codependent behavior and thinking. I even talked myself into thinking normal was "boring". It took years to learn to love myself and have better self-esteem and truly know I DESERVED better than other people's BLECH. (In all aspect of my life, not just dating relationships) I learned how to set boundaries for ME with difficult people. And I became happy with ME without depending on how others felt about me. And it was like when that finally came together, I found peace and joy in everything. My work relationships, my friendships, my family (had to go NC with sister), and is how it came successfully together that I am married to who I am with today. Thanks for this post!
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Yes! After my divorce (17 years ago) I only dated "bad boys" and ones that had issues thinking I could HELP them and I didn't deserve "normal". Classic codependent behavior and thinking. I even talked myself into thinking normal was "boring"

Ahh yes, the bad boy syndrome. I did suffer from it and still somewhat do. I don't like "normal" much either.

But I've come to realized that what I like more than bad boys are "reformed bad boys". I like people that went through some hard times and difficult situations and decided to make a change. Many of my friends are like that and I am too to some extent. Even my therapist is an ex heroin addict!

I find it admirable when people realized that they have the power to overcome anything, to change their situation and redefine their life. I find that it often result in a more self-aware and open-minded person. And on the bright side, these people often retain some kind of edge with a naughty and playful side to them.

But I'm done hoping for a bad boy to transform into a go man because of me!
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Old 06-12-2016, 11:20 AM
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Lol.....I always hear about people being attracted to "bad boys".....but, I have to make a confession----I am not sure what a "bad boy" is....Nobody ever seems to describe what that is...
Surely, it is something more than just being addicted to alcohol or drugs and getting arrested and the like.....??

I have always had the vague idea that it had something to do with wearin leather jackets......?
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Old 06-12-2016, 01:16 PM
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You know a bad boy when you see a bad boy. What you do with him is what counts. Wanna fix the poor lost soul or wanna run?
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Old 06-12-2016, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Kata View Post
So foreign and weird is good and comfortable and normal, not so much?
When our normal was bad for us, toxic and exhausting, then yes! Foreign, weird, new, uncertain are things propelling us to establishing a new, good "normal."
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Old 06-12-2016, 01:45 PM
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I can relate to that. The big change was I really really listened to what the other person was saying instead of focusing on what he thought of me. More important is what I think of him.
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Old 06-12-2016, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Lol.....I always hear about people being attracted to "bad boys".....but, I have to make a confession----I am not sure what a "bad boy" is....Nobody ever seems to describe what that is...
Surely, it is something more than just being addicted to alcohol or drugs and getting arrested and the like.....??

I have always had the vague idea that it had something to do with wearin leather jackets......?
Lol, I always thought it had to do with being a bit mean... like someone without much scruples... (that would really represent my xabf) which is really a very bad idea since Iīm extremely scrupulous myself.

Not necesarily leather jackets! I have two friends who think Putin (the Russian) is so attractive because he looks like a bad boy, I canīt say I share that opinion...
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Old 06-12-2016, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by bluelily View Post
Lol, I always thought it had to do with being a bit mean... like someone without much scruples... (that would really represent my xabf) which is really a very bad idea since Iīm extremely scrupulous myself. Not necesarily leather jackets! I have two friends who think Putin (the Russian) is so attractive because he looks like a bad boy, I canīt say I share that opinion...

No leather jacket necessary. I do however share your opinion on not sharing that opinion about Putin!
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:10 PM
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Dandy just to give you an example of one of my "bad guys": he was VERY good looking in a dark, handsome way. From a VERY rough neighborhood and went to a high-school known for inner-city gangs. Had done a stint in prison for dealing cocaine. And said he killed a guy by knifing him in self defense during a drug raid. How's THAT for bad!!!!! Btw, he turned out to be a big fat liar and made most of it up and liked to be a "different person to different people". He was NUTS!!
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Old 06-12-2016, 10:31 PM
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Refiner.....LOL....LOL.....
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Old 06-13-2016, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
I can relate to that. The big change was I really really listened to what the other person was saying instead of focusing on what he thought of me. More important is what I think of him.
I've noticed that too. I'm not fully there, I still need to remind myself that what I think is whats more important.

I feel like I'm data-mining in a way. I observe and listen. I take all the information in and then used it to form an opinion based on data more than on feelings. The only feeling that's more important than all that data is my gut feeling. The minute something tell me "NOP, that's not for you", I'll be sure to listen to it.

I try to be myself and not act how I feel the person in front of me would like me to act. If they don't like it, not my problem. And when it gets a bit harder for me to do, I just repeat to myself "Not my circus, not my monkeys", as the perception others have of me is just that : their perception.
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Old 06-13-2016, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Dandy just to give you an example of one of my "bad guys": he was VERY good looking in a dark, handsome way. From a VERY rough neighborhood and went to a high-school known for inner-city gangs. Had done a stint in prison for dealing cocaine. And said he killed a guy by knifing him in self defense during a drug raid. How's THAT for bad!!!!! Btw, he turned out to be a big fat liar and made most of it up and liked to be a "different person to different people". He was NUTS!!
My bad boys haven't been quite as bad... I tend to be attracted to jerks with mommy issues with an over-inflated ego and shady past, a truckload of unrealized potential and an unreliable employment history.

It's a well-known fact that, in a father's opinion, no guy is good enough for their precious daughter. But, simply put, the definition of a bad boy is the type of man that makes a good, law-abiding father contemplate murder the minute her daughter brings him home. Alternatively, a bad-boy may also inspire in a father a deep desire of locking is 30-something daughter in a convent while he's busy torturing the life out of said bad boy.
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Old 06-13-2016, 06:22 AM
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I found that I used a fine tooth comb to inspect my date's past, his habits, his mannerisms, his job history, etc etc, lol. I was on a mission to find a, for lack of a better word, 'normal' man.

Well, I found one, but I had to work program even harder after we got serious because the lightbulb moment came when I realized: Hey, woman, you have to take YOU with you in every relationship now.

I couldn't leave myself back in my alcoholic relationship; I had to learn new ways so, honestly, sometimes the red flags were my own red flags NOT the man I was dating. The interaction was skewed because my perspective was still mired in doubt, low self esteem, or in my own martyrdom. I was creating drama in my head that didn't even exist in my relationship with this man. I had to start practicing self love and self care until it became the norm for me and not the dysfunction of the past that ruled my thoughts.

Today, I lean on my program friends and sponsor more than I used to because they provide that other perspective from the outside that I sometimes need. I think I still have trouble trusting my intuition. My gut feeling will say, "He doesn't love me. He hardly ever says it and he's not expressing it ENOUGH to satisfy me or maybe he's taking advantage of me".....etc....my brain can make up all kinds of stuff. My intuition was sometimes off because of how I interpreted people's actions or words after so many years of living with my XAH. I had to really dig deep and reprogram myself and say, "Seriously, woman! The man treats you like you deserve. He checks on you daily. He cooks for you. He brings you breakfast in bed if you aren't up yet. He encourages your career goals and pushes you to achieve more and have more vision for yourself. He hugs you when you need a hug. He holds you when you fall asleep. He asks your opinion about everything and values it and takes it into consideration. His kids love you. He makes sure you continue to be an independent woman and works with you on a healthy interdependent relationship. He encourages your hobbies. My son looks up to him. etc etc"

But, in the back of my mind, there is doubt: self doubt and mistrust of someone's motives. I can't help it. I was raised in the disease of alcoholism so my Al Anon support friends and program are so vital to my new life today. I can't stay sane without them, truly!
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Old 06-13-2016, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Kata View Post
... I've also noticed that healthy interactions now feel weird or foreign to me. I have to pause and think "oh yes, that how well-ajusted adults act". ....
That is exactly what happened to me. To be fair, everybody told me to take at least a year off before I started dating again, for all the reasons mentioned by other members. I waited a few months, met a lovely, delightful woman where we had _instant_ chemistry, and were off like a rocket to the moon.

I got lucky, she is a very kind and gentle person whose husband had just passed away. We were both "rebounding" so hard we could have become NBA super stars. We spent most of our time crying in each others arms and not doing much of anything else. There was nothing "normal" about our relationship because _we_ were not normal. We were deep in the grieving process of losing a decades long marriage to somebody who had been taken over by pain meds after a terrible medical condition.

Today we are really good friends, even BFF, with our separate lives.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Lol.....I always hear about people being attracted to "bad boys"...
I have always had the vague idea that it had something to do with wearin leather jackets......?
Or "bad girls"

A little over a year after my first adventure in dating-land I thought I was ready to try it again. Not than anybody in my support group agreed with me, but I'm a slow learner and this young lady I just met was _different_.

A "bad girl" is just a person who has some "red flags" about them. What makes them "bad" is that _I_ have this character defect where the "red" just looks rather "pinkish" to me. It's not _that_ serious, I told my sponsor, if she keeps going to her therapist she will change. All she needs is a little support in her recovery.

uh-huh

And yes, it does involve leather jackets. She's an ex-marine and member of a biker club. Ok, so it's a clean and sober biker club, which is why it's only a "pink flag" and not a red one. She has a problem with rage.... "anger management issues" after running that thru my red to pink converter. That therapist? Yeah she did make an effort to go, sometimes.

By the way, I am not a biker. I am a really boring guy with a job in the insurance industry. I had never even _met_ a biker before, never mind a club. I have learned that the overwhelming majority of bikers are really nice people just like anybody else, it's just a few criminal groups that give them all a bad name.

We both really tried, she just was trying in a different direction than me... and I was still in need of some more step work in al-anon. Her uncle felt sorry for me, he took me under wing and mentored me in the whole biker lifestyle.

That lovely biker chick and I didn't make it as a couple, but we are now BFF. I'm working on my "pink flag syndrome", as my sponsor calls it. I know that if I go out with somebody, and there's something not quite right about how the evening is going, it's not about _her_. It's because _I_ am not understanding something about _me_ and how I approach relationships.... and that maybe I need to do a little bit more work on my own "codie-itis".

And the leather jackets? OMG but I will never be the same after going out with this woman in full leather.... I had _no idea_ a woman could look so good.

* is thinking self needs to get to a meeting tonite *

Mike
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Old 06-13-2016, 07:52 PM
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This discussion actually lead to an awesome topic: define your bad boy/girl. And once you define what attracts you there, then you know exactly what you must not date!

So let me try:

Military types most definitely (this does not mean they actually served), very manly, muscular, wide chest, short hair. Attractive to other women, but kind of a loner. Mysterious type: a dark stranger that would take me away. There should be a sob story somewhere, perhaps a bad childhood, him being the black sheep of the family. So it would be the two of us against the whole world.

And this is, dear ladies and gentlemen, why I should not date, not any time soon.
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