Struggling to cut the apron strings...
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 4
Struggling to cut the apron strings...
It's midnight and I imagine my 31 year old son is finally sleeping in the emergency room hospital bed. But, of course, I don't really know for certain because I refused to run to his side and "rescue" him (yet again). I got a call from his cell phone this evening from some guy named "Dan" who found my son unconscious on the ground in a convenience store parking lot. I thanked him, but have done nothing to follow up. I do not know what condition my son is in, whether he is alive or dead.
It would be shocking for me to write this, except this is the sixth hospitalization (that I am aware of) since his wife kicked him out 18 months ago. He bounced back to my place and my soft, tender mother's heart couldn't refuse his plea to stay with me, "just until he can find a room to rent". He stayed for nearly a year. I did all those things we parents of addicted or alcoholic adult children do...provided him transportation to and from work, bought him food and clothes, paid off some of his debt, offered emotional support, opened my very small condo to allow him to sofa surf, paid for his haircuts, did everything I could to support him.
But he refused to get any type of treatment and finally after 10 months, I had enough and I sold my home and moved to another area of the county. I did not tell him where I moved to.
I ran away from home.
This was about seven months ago, and he unfortunately continues to sink lower and lower into the fog and emptiness of alcoholism. He is homeless, jobless, and has nothing to his name except his skateboard and a cell phone.
I wonder how we grieve for someone before they're actually gone? I can cut the apron strings, but I'm not certain I can cut the strings of love and memory that tie my heart to his.
It would be shocking for me to write this, except this is the sixth hospitalization (that I am aware of) since his wife kicked him out 18 months ago. He bounced back to my place and my soft, tender mother's heart couldn't refuse his plea to stay with me, "just until he can find a room to rent". He stayed for nearly a year. I did all those things we parents of addicted or alcoholic adult children do...provided him transportation to and from work, bought him food and clothes, paid off some of his debt, offered emotional support, opened my very small condo to allow him to sofa surf, paid for his haircuts, did everything I could to support him.
But he refused to get any type of treatment and finally after 10 months, I had enough and I sold my home and moved to another area of the county. I did not tell him where I moved to.
I ran away from home.
This was about seven months ago, and he unfortunately continues to sink lower and lower into the fog and emptiness of alcoholism. He is homeless, jobless, and has nothing to his name except his skateboard and a cell phone.
I wonder how we grieve for someone before they're actually gone? I can cut the apron strings, but I'm not certain I can cut the strings of love and memory that tie my heart to his.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am so sorry I know this must be very painful.
You did the right thing. When the ship is sinking you can either grab a life preserver, or go down with the ship. Had you not separated yourself from your son you would be dragged down with him.
Saying a prayer that your son sees the light.
You did the right thing. When the ship is sinking you can either grab a life preserver, or go down with the ship. Had you not separated yourself from your son you would be dragged down with him.
Saying a prayer that your son sees the light.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
SS,
I am so sorry for your pain. It's heart breaking to watch our loved ones suffer, but you understand the wife and now you; you had to cut him off. Give him to God to watch over as your hands are tied. Only God can save him.
I pray that one day your son will hit that "rock" bottom, but there is no guarantee. I left my axh after 34 years, always hoping he would hit it, never happened. I was not going to have him die on my watch. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I contributed to it.
Sending hugs, please be gentle to yourself!!
I am so sorry for your pain. It's heart breaking to watch our loved ones suffer, but you understand the wife and now you; you had to cut him off. Give him to God to watch over as your hands are tied. Only God can save him.
I pray that one day your son will hit that "rock" bottom, but there is no guarantee. I left my axh after 34 years, always hoping he would hit it, never happened. I was not going to have him die on my watch. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I contributed to it.
Sending hugs, please be gentle to yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
SS, I'm glad you've found us here at SR. I know we have other parents of addicts/alcoholics here who will certainly reply to you, and all of us feel for you and support you, regardless of who the A in our lives is/was.
I hope you get a chance to read around the forum; make sure to check out the "stickies" at the top of the page, too. It sounds as if you already have some knowledge about alcoholism, so that can only be good.
Here is a link to another part of the forum that focuses specifically on family members of alcoholics/addicts and the problems unique to their situation: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope that you find support and healing here. Please continue to read and post; we are all here for you.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I hope you get a chance to read around the forum; make sure to check out the "stickies" at the top of the page, too. It sounds as if you already have some knowledge about alcoholism, so that can only be good.
Here is a link to another part of the forum that focuses specifically on family members of alcoholics/addicts and the problems unique to their situation: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope that you find support and healing here. Please continue to read and post; we are all here for you.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
SamanthaSue,
I'm very sorry you are going through all this. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.
As my only relationship with an A was with my XABF, I can't tell you how to cut the apron strings with you son. However, during my relationship with my ex, I got a chance to talk with his parents a bit.
When I met him, before realizing the extent of his addiction, I thought that his mother was heartless. She would only see him about once a month. The would go for dinner at a restaurant and that's it. He was never invited home. The dinners (I've been to a few) were tense and difficult. She once left after paying the bill without so much as a hug or a proper goodbye because is was being a jerk.
But during the last dinner I went to, we he went out for a cigarette, she told me with so much motherly love in her voice that she had stuck a picture of him in her bathroom mirror. She would look at the picture every morning and wish him a good day. She would reflect on the good times and send him good vibes.
She chose a picture of him when he was in a good place, when he was healthy. Before the alcohol took over his life. She chose a picture that reminded her of the boy he used to be.
From what I could hear and feel in her voice, this seem to bring her much peace and help her detach, while still loving her son.
I don't know if it makes sense to you, or if you can relate.
I hope you find some peace in your difficult situation.
Hugs
I'm very sorry you are going through all this. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.
As my only relationship with an A was with my XABF, I can't tell you how to cut the apron strings with you son. However, during my relationship with my ex, I got a chance to talk with his parents a bit.
When I met him, before realizing the extent of his addiction, I thought that his mother was heartless. She would only see him about once a month. The would go for dinner at a restaurant and that's it. He was never invited home. The dinners (I've been to a few) were tense and difficult. She once left after paying the bill without so much as a hug or a proper goodbye because is was being a jerk.
But during the last dinner I went to, we he went out for a cigarette, she told me with so much motherly love in her voice that she had stuck a picture of him in her bathroom mirror. She would look at the picture every morning and wish him a good day. She would reflect on the good times and send him good vibes.
She chose a picture of him when he was in a good place, when he was healthy. Before the alcohol took over his life. She chose a picture that reminded her of the boy he used to be.
From what I could hear and feel in her voice, this seem to bring her much peace and help her detach, while still loving her son.
I don't know if it makes sense to you, or if you can relate.
I hope you find some peace in your difficult situation.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Samanthasue....you cannot cut the ties of memory or love for your son.
but, you can love him from a distance.....
Your suffering will not help him a bit either.....
I think it is important for you to be connected to a group of other people who have suffered from their child's addiction......
Please don't neglect this help and comfort for yourself!
There is always hope....
Never stop encouraging him to seek help.....whenever you have a chance....
dandylion
but, you can love him from a distance.....
Your suffering will not help him a bit either.....
I think it is important for you to be connected to a group of other people who have suffered from their child's addiction......
Please don't neglect this help and comfort for yourself!
There is always hope....
Never stop encouraging him to seek help.....whenever you have a chance....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by honeypig 
SS, I'm glad you've found us here at SR. I know we have other parents of addicts/alcoholics here who will certainly reply to you, and all of us feel for you and support you, regardless of who the A in our lives is/was.
I hope you get a chance to read around the forum; make sure to check out the "stickies" at the top of the page, too. It sounds as if you already have some knowledge about alcoholism, so that can only be good.
Here is a link to another part of the forum that focuses specifically on family members of alcoholics/addicts and the problems unique to their situation: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope that you find support and healing here. Please continue to read and post; we are all here for you.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I hope you get a chance to read around the forum; make sure to check out the "stickies" at the top of the page, too. It sounds as if you already have some knowledge about alcoholism, so that can only be good.
Here is a link to another part of the forum that focuses specifically on family members of alcoholics/addicts and the problems unique to their situation: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope that you find support and healing here. Please continue to read and post; we are all here for you.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Thank you for your support and encouragement.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Kata
SamanthaSue,
I'm very sorry you are going through all this. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.
As my only relationship with an A was with my XABF, I can't tell you how to cut the apron strings with you son. However, during my relationship with my ex, I got a chance to talk with his parents a bit.
When I met him, before realizing the extent of his addiction, I thought that his mother was heartless. She would only see him about once a month. The would go for dinner at a restaurant and that's it. He was never invited home. The dinners (I've been to a few) were tense and difficult. She once left after paying the bill without so much as a hug or a proper goodbye because is was being a jerk.
But during the last dinner I went to, we he went out for a cigarette, she told me with so much motherly love in her voice that she had stuck a picture of him in her bathroom mirror. She would look at the picture every morning and wish him a good day. She would reflect on the good times and send him good vibes.
She chose a picture of him when he was in a good place, when he was healthy. Before the alcohol took over his life. She chose a picture that reminded her of the boy he used to be.
From what I could hear and feel in her voice, this seem to bring her much peace and help her detach, while still loving her son.
I don't know if it makes sense to you, or if you can relate.
I hope you find some peace in your difficult situation.
Hugs
I'm very sorry you are going through all this. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.
As my only relationship with an A was with my XABF, I can't tell you how to cut the apron strings with you son. However, during my relationship with my ex, I got a chance to talk with his parents a bit.
When I met him, before realizing the extent of his addiction, I thought that his mother was heartless. She would only see him about once a month. The would go for dinner at a restaurant and that's it. He was never invited home. The dinners (I've been to a few) were tense and difficult. She once left after paying the bill without so much as a hug or a proper goodbye because is was being a jerk.
But during the last dinner I went to, we he went out for a cigarette, she told me with so much motherly love in her voice that she had stuck a picture of him in her bathroom mirror. She would look at the picture every morning and wish him a good day. She would reflect on the good times and send him good vibes.
She chose a picture of him when he was in a good place, when he was healthy. Before the alcohol took over his life. She chose a picture that reminded her of the boy he used to be.
From what I could hear and feel in her voice, this seem to bring her much peace and help her detach, while still loving her son.
I don't know if it makes sense to you, or if you can relate.
I hope you find some peace in your difficult situation.
Hugs
This hits so close to home, unbearably so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 4
Much gratitude to everyone for their words of wisdom, understanding, and support. I can only bear to read here a little at a time, it is just causes me too much grief and heartache.
Update:
My son signed himself AMA out of the hospital on Sunday. He made arrangements to meet me at my work on Monday and we would work together to find him a rehab.
Of course he was a "no-show".
He started a new job and didn't want to lose that opportunity (which under different circumstances would be admirable, I guess). Most nights he sleeps in his ex-girlfriends car and gets ready for work at one of the local community colleges on his way to the job. When the ex-girlfriend isn't around, he either sleeps behind a convenience store or camps in a nature preserve in a nearby town.
He did follow my advice and applied for and is receiving unemployment insurance, so knowing he has money to get by is somewhat reassuring (again, I guess).
He and I had dinner tonight and I could barely choke down my soup. It feels like a fist is clenched around my heart and squeezing the life out of me to see him. He is underweight, is bruised and has minor cuts and abrasions, and his hands were shaking when he ate.
I cannot believe my son is a homeless alcoholic.
Update:
My son signed himself AMA out of the hospital on Sunday. He made arrangements to meet me at my work on Monday and we would work together to find him a rehab.
Of course he was a "no-show".
He started a new job and didn't want to lose that opportunity (which under different circumstances would be admirable, I guess). Most nights he sleeps in his ex-girlfriends car and gets ready for work at one of the local community colleges on his way to the job. When the ex-girlfriend isn't around, he either sleeps behind a convenience store or camps in a nature preserve in a nearby town.
He did follow my advice and applied for and is receiving unemployment insurance, so knowing he has money to get by is somewhat reassuring (again, I guess).
He and I had dinner tonight and I could barely choke down my soup. It feels like a fist is clenched around my heart and squeezing the life out of me to see him. He is underweight, is bruised and has minor cuts and abrasions, and his hands were shaking when he ate.
I cannot believe my son is a homeless alcoholic.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Samantha.....I think it might be good to read some recovery stories of long-recovering alcoholics....like sobriety for many years!
You will find that many lf them lived on the streets, at one point....
My own son....who is now sober....lived in the woods behind a l arge shopping center for 2years. He had a beautiful home, a short distance away...where he was very much loved...but, he preferred to be "homeless" and called himself "homeless"...because we would not let him into our house any longer because of the drinking....
Think of this...your son is alive. He is still young. There is always hope. You still get to l ove him--at a distance.....
I have been in your same shoes. mamma.....
There is always hope....
dandylion
You will find that many lf them lived on the streets, at one point....
My own son....who is now sober....lived in the woods behind a l arge shopping center for 2years. He had a beautiful home, a short distance away...where he was very much loved...but, he preferred to be "homeless" and called himself "homeless"...because we would not let him into our house any longer because of the drinking....
Think of this...your son is alive. He is still young. There is always hope. You still get to l ove him--at a distance.....
I have been in your same shoes. mamma.....
There is always hope....
dandylion
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