LoveMeNow

I have a neighbor who is obviously an alcoholic. She is basically a nice and kind person. I like her by day but not by night!! The problem is she likes to call me at night when she has obviously been drinking. I usually don't answer at night but she knows I am home and will try several times. Well the other night she caught me off guard and I answered not realizing it was her. I tried several times nicely to hang up but she was on a drunken roll so I abruptly and loudly said I have to go, good bye and hung up! I did feel kind of rude but I was so frustrated too!

My question is.....how would you handle it? Just not answer or ask her not to call when she is drinking. I have no desire to create drama or hard feelings but I am also getting annoyed because I don't even want to hear her drunk voicemail either...which I just usually delete without listening.

Am I being a whimp by not stating how I feel?? Or am i keeping the peace by just ignoring her nighttime calls?

Just wondering what the healthy thing is to do.

NYCDoglvr

When speaking to someone inebriated, we're really talking to the bottle, not the person. I would tell her I go to bed early and please stop calling her at night. Of course say this before she starts drinking. If she persists, answer with a quick "I can't talk" and hang up.

dandylion

LoveMeNow......for starters...remember, that she doesn't remember m ost o f what she says during the evening talkathons......I would bet on that.....

From my point of view---the best, most efficient, and most honest thing to do---is to tell her, straight forward. And, you can do it kindly....
Personally, I would say something like this: "Ms. "X".....we are friends and I love to talk to you.....but, I hate to talk to you after you have had a few beverages....."
Please, excuse me if I don't answer the phone in the evenings"....followed by a smile, or a hug...or, just whatever feels right......

I think you will feel better by telling the truth.....
For her, this is a natural consequence of her drinking.....it is enabling, when we try to protect them from it.....

I really do get that you are compassionate and l ike her....I'll bet she is a nice lady!
I had a neighbor, like that, once.....a brilliant, funny guy who lived a few hundred feet from me and my husband. He would get snockered and then want to come over and socialize for hours.....
I would just take him by the arm and lead him, gently, in the direction of our front porch, and say "Chad, it is going-home time"....."See you tomorrow"....and close the door.
He never seemed to remember it and never did say anything about it....lol.....

dandylion

LoveMeNow

Ok, but....as we know....alcolohics very seldom respect boundaries. So if ask her not to and she still does......eventually I will become angry! Not a place I want to!

DL, did you ever ask your neighbor to not visit if he had been drinking?

53500

Yes, both of these, in the kind way Dandylion mentioned.

I also doubt your friend remembers much about the drunken calls. I definitely would not answer and would discuss it with her, in a caring way, when she is sober.

dandylion

Lol......no, I did not....because, I know full well that the minute they take that first couple of drinks.....anything that they "should" remember, goes out the window...
I just considered him a chronic part of the environment......

LoveMeNow......I say just to never answer the phone when you know it is her in the evening.....because she will probably call, anyway.....
(I'll bet that you are already a little bit angry ,,,,or extremely peeved...at her, right now---deep inside).....am I warm.....?

dandylion

LoveMeNow

I don't think I am angry.....yet! BUT I am getting so annoyed by the stupidity of her drunkeness! I listened to her for about 5 -7 mins the other night! Boy, that is time I will never get back. LOL

She has already called me today but I ignored it. A little of her goes a long way! I had my fill the other night!

Ann

I suppose changing your number and telling everyone but her, is out of the question.

Actually, I agree with the suggestion to tell her you like to relax early and to please not call at night...and then turn the ringer down and don't answer.

LoveMeNow

You were right! I can run but not hide! lol.

You know I love your words of wisdom! Glad you found me!

CoDnoMore

Isn't that the truth. Imagine coming home to it after work for 13 yrs. It's like they're not even there, the bottle is.

Erod

ooops "Say what you mean, mean what you say But don't be mean when you say it" Be sure to state your feelings when she's NOT drinking. During the day I guess would be best as you stated she drinks at night. Tell her you enjoy the friendship until she starts to drink and at the point you'd rather not her from her. She may not like what she hears and my totally ignore you from this point on but in the long she may come to realize she has a huge problem. I have many years of sobriety now and I CAN tell you a few let me know how they felt while I was still using and today I thank them for it.

Ann

Good suggestions here. Why do we care more about hurting a drinkers feelings than we do about protecting our safe place...our quiet place. ..our home?

Maybe ask her once to stop and if she persists, block her number.

Hugs

Eauchiche

If you think about it, this is one facet of this disease that is just plain irritating! You find yourself In a very awkward situation that you have done NOTHING to create. So sorry!!