Stell13

Hello everyone. I'm new to this so please forgive me if I ramble. My father is an addicit, both alcohol and drugs, and has been my entire life. My sister and I spent a lot of days and nights alone because he was in jail or just didn't come home. When he was there, there was no depth to our relationship. Conversations lacked depth and emotion and as a kid, I really struggled with it. Now that I'm older (29), I've accepted the fact that my father did the best he could with what he had and that I will never have the relationship with him I've always wanted. We see eachother every few months for lunch/dinner and on holidays, and I'm ok with that. I left home at 16 because I didn't want to watch someone I love, slowly kill themself. My step sister was also into drugs, her Doc was heroin. She went to prison for a year for it, got released, completed a program, got a job, enrolled in school and was doing fantastic. I was actually proud of her for the first time in years. Monday, the 13th, will be the 1 year anniversary of her death. She overdosed. The scarey part is that she was only 3 months older than me. I have been in a relationship with a man for 6 years. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage and they are the light of my life. They're 8 and 10. 2 years ago he got laid off and it took almost a year to find him another job. He found one, and 6 months later, was laid off again. I've worried the entire relationship and I just graduated from nursing school, so I've carried the load while he tried to figure things out. Got a call back in August that he was arrested for having meth...I bailed him out, we got an attorney and he received intervention in lieu of conviction and gets drug tested monthly. He's 6 months sober now and the program ends in december. Things are so different now. I know he's depressed, but he won't seek help. He's angry all the time and he's shutting everyone one in his life out, including me. I'm not sure how to deal with it all. I love him deeply. And his children. I would do anything for them. I'm not sure if this is what happens to addicts, or what I can do. I've tried talking to him, giving him space, being supportive, listening, offering suggestions, everything I can think of in order to motivate him to live life again. He's just evolved into this silent, angry, depressed person who wants to be a hermit and not interact with anyone and it's killing me. I want him to be happy, but I'm all out of ideas. I guess I'm not sure where to go from here. Any thoughts, advice, stories, anything would be greatly appreciated. I've never felt so alone before and that's why I decided to reach out. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

JennaRoseMadre

Hi, don't feel alone. You came to a great site, and I know you will get support and good answers. You're so young to be carrying so much responsibility! I hope you're very proud of yourself and what you have accomplished. It's not easy to become a nurse! I don't have advice, but I wanted to respond so you'd know someone read your post. There are some very wise, helpful people here. I know you'll get a lot of responses. In the meantime, welcome.

MIRecovery

The advice I would give is to fix yourself because only your father can fix himself. I would strongly suggest alanon. You will learn what can and can't be done but most of all you will learn how to end your codependent dance.

I come from the other side. I am the addict father and I wish my children had discovered alanon. I now have been clean and sober for years but the damage I caused is something I will carry for the rest of my life.

Do yourself a favor and get the help and healing that is out there

Sunshine1234

Hi Stell13...you have come to a great site. I am finding some great support here and some amazing words of wisdom. You should be so proud of yourself as you have gone through some really tough situations in your life. I too am a nurse so I know how time consuming and demanding nursing school can be, so bravo to you for that huge accomplishment! As far as your loved one, I agree to seek out some help for yourself...whether it's alanon, a therapist, reading materials. Everyone keeps talking about the book Co-dependent no more. I need to get it because I have been a huge co-dependent to my husband for so many years. I know what it's like to stand by and watch someone go through many ups and downs and try so hard to help them with no success. I finally took myself and our two young kids out of the house and I'm letting him live his life and make his own decisions. There is only so much we can do before we ourselves feel broken down and defeated. One thing I am so thankful for is my career as a nurse...it will allow me to support myself and the kids should he chose to continue down his downward spiral. So you too will have that which is invaluable. Hang in there and I would advise to give him space and let him chose his path. When there are kids involved it makes it that much more heartbreaking. Hugs xx