Smilax

Ive posted here before and I'm sorry but I just need to vent and get some feedback. Don't worry I'm not suicidal but I'm feeling so so lost and alone right now. I just want a hug someone to hold me, lol, that sounds pathetic. On a break at work right now. I work a job that most would consider easy, assistant manager position in a retail games store. But I'm extremely dissatisfied with my life. I have so much unrealised potential, passions and interests and untapped talent. But I've spent the better part of the last 10 years working retail jobs because of depression and anxiety and a whole host of other reasons. I'm just too terrified of life to do anything. I have few if any real friends, never been in a relationship. All I have are my parents and at the age of 34 that is no longer viable. I've formed instead a relationship with alcohol over the years. The warm soothing comfort of alcohol replaces the messy anxious "relationships" which I can't form anyway. But my grasp is starting to slip. I can feel myself skidding down the inevitable slippery slope. What was once relatively controlled weekend binge drinking has slipped into my weekdays. And even if I don't drink as much as some I can feel the need to starting to take over everything. And i don't care. Or some part of me doesn't. I really want to just throw my life away. Quit my job and drink myself to death. Cause what's the point? I'm not going to do that short term but man the urge to is strong. I need to fight it every day and I'm loosing. Maybe not this week. Maybe not next but... I don't know. I'm tired...

Gottalife

Restless, irritable and discontent. In AA speak these are the symptoms that always preceed a relapse. They come from untreated alcoholism. Why not talk to someone in AA. They have a pretty good solution to all this stuff.

JD

Hi Similax. I know that feeling of just not caring anymore. I've also come to know that it's just the depression talking. It doesn't make it much easier to get beyond those thoughts though. Are you being treated for the depression and anxiety?

Ghostlight1

Hi, I can relate to your post. I drank for as many years as you've been alive.
I was a janitor for five years in my twenties. I did it to support my drinking habit. Eventually, I couldn't even do that job. I was mostly half drunk while doing it.
had no girlfriend and my only companions were my fellow drinkers. Notice I didn't say friends. They weren't. The bottle was my friend. And we shared that commonality.

Eventually, I found my calling in my work life. It was great. We worked hard and we drank hard. I did it for twenty years. Until I suffered a disabling injury.
Great, income and nothing to do but drink, and drink I did. Shooters of whiskey at 8am. I drank alone.
I was developmentally disabled, too. A twenty year old stuck inside a forty year old body.
All thanks to drink.
I had casual relationships. My moderate drinking friends really saved me. They knew I was a drunk, but put up with me.

Obviously, this manner of drinking couldn't last. I suffered debilitating hangovers and anxiety.
It took me many, many attempts to quit but when I finally walked into an AA meeting, I knew I was saved.
There were slips, but it was never the same.

It's been five and a half years now since I've had a drink. I have friends. Many of those who put up with me. One who is still a raving alcoholic. He, and posts like yours, help me stay sober.
There is a life for you out there. I drank most of mine down the drain.

I just wanted to share a little of my story in the hope you can relate on some level.
With sobriety and hard work you can achieve anything you want in life.
I wish that for you.

sugarbear1

Sending you BIG HUGS and lots of LOVE! You can realize your dreams, if you want. First, put all of your effort into staying stopped!!!!

You CAN do this!!

emme99

Hi Smilax I had to read your post a few times because I could have written so much of it myself. I don't have a lot of advice, just know you are not alone. I wish you the best.

Ninjaturtle

i like celebrate recovery. you should give it a try. Lots of people who are feeling just like you. You are at a critical crossroads in your life right now. Your reaching out. That's a good thing but if you continue on the road your on.......who knows. God spared me. I have a lot of friends who weren't. Keep seeking

chrcarlson

34? You're still young. I go through times I'm dissatisfied with my life. I've lived long enough to know that it always changes. Better or worse it always changes. Don't do anything to make it worse and do ONE small thing to make it better. Then do another small thing. Small changes have a big effect over time. It sounds trite but one day you will realize you are out of the pit. It's always worked for me and I've been in some very deep pits.

I'm sending you a HUG.

ccam1973

welcome back Smilax. You need to break this cycle. You've got the strength and power to make it happen. You've got to find your drive. When I found SR, I had all but given up. I no longer tried to curtail my drinking and was convincing myself it was completely normal to start drinking at 9 am and drink at work. Once I found this place, I was no longer alone, I realized there were others out there just like me who had this terrible problem.

I will promise you you won't regret the decision to quit. You're still very young and can get you back.

Lean on us here, we are here to help one another. That's the way this community works. The members here have helped me stay sober for nearly 2 years. You can do it too. I promise you that, you have the strength even if you don't believe in yourself at the moment.

Come up with a plan and lean on us.

MythOfSisyphus

I feel you, Smilax. In the beginning booze is like a friend, a companion to keep you company. For awhile it's enough. Drinking is both journey and destination. But of course it doesn't work forever. What was once an escape from daily life becomes a prison that holds real life from you.

The good news is that there's hope. You can change. Quitting won't be easy all the time but it will be worth it. Sobriety doesn't fix every problem of course but it makes fixing your problems a lot more likely.

PurpleKnight

I assure you Smilax there is more to life than the downward spiral that alcohol provides, we just need to figure out what we want to do with our lives, and that takes time.

In the beginning it's tough, for me all I knew was alochol, so rearranging my routines, my habits, my activities took some thought and some time, but it can be done.

For many years I simply lost my excitement for life, my daily grind was something I was doing on autopilot, but it was alcohol that was making it so, break the chains of alcohol and life will start to look up!!

You can do this!!

TNTStill

Alcohol was my best friend for some years. It was my escape and peace (or so I thought).

I really feel for you. Its tough to operate when you trying to find that true happiness but it just seem to be too far away to see.

Alcohol is a depressant. If you choose to leave drinking alone for a while, pick one thing that you've been wanted to do (but just been having apprehensions about it) and give it a shot.

Just something to refocus your energy on.

From personal experience it helped me out quite a bit.

Hope things get better for you

Take care