would you marry a Recovered alcholic?
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would you marry a Recovered alcholic?
Hi, I just was reading through the post "would you marry an alcoholic", but it was regarding active drinkers.
I was wondering peoples experiences in relationships with those who've stopped drinking.
In my experience, my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own. He did have to hit rock bottom though. His bottom was ending up in the hospital and being told if he didn't stop now, his life would be over. His body is still healing from the trauma of so much drinking.
I was wondering peoples experiences in relationships with those who've stopped drinking.
In my experience, my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own. He did have to hit rock bottom though. His bottom was ending up in the hospital and being told if he didn't stop now, his life would be over. His body is still healing from the trauma of so much drinking.
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I think there are too variables and 'what-ifs' to answer that question.
However, based on my current experience, I would be too gun-shy to jump on that boat again. So, my answer would be "No".
However, based on my current experience, I would be too gun-shy to jump on that boat again. So, my answer would be "No".
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Originally Posted by juliet2331 
Hi, I just was reading through the post "would you marry an alcoholic", but it was regarding active drinkers.
I was wondering peoples experiences in relationships with those who've stopped drinking.
In my experience, my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own. He did have to hit rock bottom though. His bottom was ending up in the hospital and being told if he didn't stop now, his life would be over. His body is still healing from the trauma of so much drinking.
I was wondering peoples experiences in relationships with those who've stopped drinking.
In my experience, my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own. He did have to hit rock bottom though. His bottom was ending up in the hospital and being told if he didn't stop now, his life would be over. His body is still healing from the trauma of so much drinking.
No, not if he isn't working a program. Your hub managing to white knuckle from fear and not drink for 9 months is very unreliable.
If his quit is to last, he needs to change his attitude and outlook on life, this he would learn in a program. He needs to learn a new coping mechanism for stress. His old one - alcohol - has been removed. If he doesn't find a replacement, it is likely he will pick up the one method he does know.
Strangely this situation has just happened in my life.
My hub quit for about 9 months as he was told if he didn't he it would kill him. His fear kept him quit for that length of time but as he didn't work a program, he returned to drinking a couple weeks ago.
A recovered A with at least several years under their belt who is actively working a program would be ok, imo!
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At this point in my own recovery from my codependent behaviors I would not marry a recovering alcoholic/addict. Especially one new to recovery who wasn't following a strict program. My codependent qualities would flare back up full force and I never want to be that person ever again.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Blue Springs, MO
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The first thing I see is that the title of your post says "recovered alcoholic" but yet in your post you say that he has only stopped drinking and doing it on his own. By definition he is not in recovery, to be in recovery he would be working a program, have a sponsor, going to meetings, working the steps etc. There is so much that an alcoholic needs to work through that AA is so beneficial. Before you accept any proposal I would urge you to attend a local Al-Anon meeting. You will find experience, strength and hope there to help you make an informed decision. As a woman who is married to an A I wish I had gotten into Al-Anon before we got married and started having children. Alcoholism is a family disease and we too get sick and need to work our own program to remain serene. I do not regret marrying my husband as he is my soulmate, however I wish I had come into this with my eyes wide open. Remember that an A is never cured, but with doing the next right thing they can find recovery.
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Hello and welcome.
I will just mention that nine months is nothing. Since you are asking for an opinion, I will give mine. I would run the other direction.
Not many people can stay in recovery without some sort of program. In the grand scheme of things, nine months is a very short amount of time.
For myself, I would not date someone in recovery, but if I was, I would want them to be clean every bit as long as they have been drinking. There are people on here who relapse after years of recovery, I just could not take that risk in my own life.
I will just mention that nine months is nothing. Since you are asking for an opinion, I will give mine. I would run the other direction.
Not many people can stay in recovery without some sort of program. In the grand scheme of things, nine months is a very short amount of time.
For myself, I would not date someone in recovery, but if I was, I would want them to be clean every bit as long as they have been drinking. There are people on here who relapse after years of recovery, I just could not take that risk in my own life.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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As someone struggling to leave their abf I'd be very weary but then my old boss is 10 years sober and is one of the kindest blokes I've ever met. I therefore don't think there is a definitive answer, every individual is different.
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For me.....if at all....it would have to be someone with YEARs of sobriety...and, someone who lives the AA program....someone who has committed to this for life and does outreach work with other alcoholics.......
If AA was not a permanent part of their life....they couldn't ask for a place in my life. My happiness means to much to me, at this point, to even risk it.
Sorry to sound so blunt...but, alcoholism is VERRRy blunt!
dandylion
If AA was not a permanent part of their life....they couldn't ask for a place in my life. My happiness means to much to me, at this point, to even risk it.
Sorry to sound so blunt...but, alcoholism is VERRRy blunt!
dandylion
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For myself, I would not date someone in recovery, but if I was, I would want them to be clean every bit as long as they have been drinking. There are people on here who relapse after years of recovery, I just could not take that risk in my own life.
Being a double winner myself it is "doubly" important. I lived through the hell of being in a relationship with an active alcoholic while staying sober myself and I never want to go back there again.
People relapse all the time and very few people achieve long term sobriety. If your A had 9 years it would be one thing but 9 months is not that long especially since he got "scared sober" but is not working on himself.
I would recommend that you read the newcomers section of SR so you can see for often how frequent relapse is.
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My experience was getting involved with someone who was 3-4 years sober/clean and working a very strong program when we met. He had about 7 years before his FIRST relapse. There were several after that.
Addiction is life long – forever –there is no cure and given the right conditions all of his habits can burst into full bloom and he’ll drink again. If alcoholics could just stop drinking all on their own but don’t work the root issues, change coping skills with new learned ones………the chances of him relapses are great.
Me, NO I would not marry an alcoholic and especially one who is only sober 9 months and doing it all on his own with no program.
Addiction is life long – forever –there is no cure and given the right conditions all of his habits can burst into full bloom and he’ll drink again. If alcoholics could just stop drinking all on their own but don’t work the root issues, change coping skills with new learned ones………the chances of him relapses are great.
Me, NO I would not marry an alcoholic and especially one who is only sober 9 months and doing it all on his own with no program.
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There is no such thing as a "recovered" alcoholic IMHO. This disease does not disappear, it only goes into remission with continued treatment. I am an alcoholic in recovery, and will be that way for the rest of my life. I would be careful moving forward with somebody so early in their recovery. Best Wishes
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I would have to say no, I wouldn't. After becoming very educated on alcoholism mostly from the fine folks from this site, I would always be waiting anxiously for the other proverbial shoe to drop. Know a guy who has been a recovered A for over 40 years and is in his 70's. His wife just left him and he's now back on the bottle hard. It's so sad.
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9 months of not drinking is not a recovered alcoholic.
That's someone taking a break from drinking if they aren't working
some sort of recovery program--thier own or another.
I decided I could moderate my drinking after a year and a half.
So quitting isn't the hard part--staying quit is
That's someone taking a break from drinking if they aren't working
some sort of recovery program--thier own or another.
I decided I could moderate my drinking after a year and a half.
So quitting isn't the hard part--staying quit is
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Join Date: May 2016
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Never. After living in hell, I would not want to take any chances of going back there. No matter how amazing the person was, or how long they had been sober, it is a deal breaker for me. I just don't think I would ever be able to relax or stop watching and waiting for something. I know someone who relapsed after 37 years. He thought he could have one drink. One turned into two turned into can't keep track anymore. And this is someone who worked the program, went to at least one meeting a day for all of those 37 years. I just don't think I could take it.
With my ex I kept thinking he had hit rock bottom. Oh, he is no longer a "high functioning alcoholic." Rock bottom. No? He's relapsed after the first rehab and sat in a chair for so long his body was wasting away and he had a seizure from withdrawal and is in the ICU and has to spend Christmas in the hospital. Definitely rock bottom. Nope. Went from the hospital straight to rehab straight to passing out on a bench at Legoland. The kids and I are leaving. He's lost his family, so that must be rock bottom. His mom dies. He goes into a downward spiral. Almost burns down his dad's house. Rock bottom for sure. Another rehab, this time for three months. Has another seizure the first night and cracks his skull when he falls. Comes home and straight back to drinking. DUI when he kicks his car into gear while sleeping parked at the top of a hill. Jail was scary. Absolutely has to be rock bottom, because he is terrified of going back. Lasts a day or two. Kicked out of his dad's house and homeless, living in his car. That's pretty rock bottom. Almost dies because it's summer and it gets hot in a car. Left him at detox and told him he was on his own. Rock bottom again! He got out, found someone to freeload off of (the mom of a friend who died, who is too kind for her own good) and made her life living hell.
It became apparent that rock bottom = dead. There's nothing lower than that. Eventually he did seek treatment on his own. I was no longer keeping up with his progress very much, so I don't know much about what happened during that time.
I would not marry someone with an addiction problem.
With my ex I kept thinking he had hit rock bottom. Oh, he is no longer a "high functioning alcoholic." Rock bottom. No? He's relapsed after the first rehab and sat in a chair for so long his body was wasting away and he had a seizure from withdrawal and is in the ICU and has to spend Christmas in the hospital. Definitely rock bottom. Nope. Went from the hospital straight to rehab straight to passing out on a bench at Legoland. The kids and I are leaving. He's lost his family, so that must be rock bottom. His mom dies. He goes into a downward spiral. Almost burns down his dad's house. Rock bottom for sure. Another rehab, this time for three months. Has another seizure the first night and cracks his skull when he falls. Comes home and straight back to drinking. DUI when he kicks his car into gear while sleeping parked at the top of a hill. Jail was scary. Absolutely has to be rock bottom, because he is terrified of going back. Lasts a day or two. Kicked out of his dad's house and homeless, living in his car. That's pretty rock bottom. Almost dies because it's summer and it gets hot in a car. Left him at detox and told him he was on his own. Rock bottom again! He got out, found someone to freeload off of (the mom of a friend who died, who is too kind for her own good) and made her life living hell.
It became apparent that rock bottom = dead. There's nothing lower than that. Eventually he did seek treatment on his own. I was no longer keeping up with his progress very much, so I don't know much about what happened during that time.
I would not marry someone with an addiction problem.
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I would be hesitant with anybody who didn't have a couple years under their belt. I'm an alcoholic with 16 years of sobriety without working a formal program so that wouldn't be a requirement for me. But I've also had a relationship (now ended) with an active alcoholic since I've gotten sober and I would avoid that at all costs.
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Sorry, I'm a No also.
Alcoholics need to grow up, sober up and work a program.
They form very bad habits being an alcoholic. My the end of my 34 year career with my addict, I can't stand him. I really don't care for anything about him. Majority of these traits are from his selfish behavior, that he entitled. This is not a man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's sad, but your boyfriend is nothing but a dry drunk.
Sorry, but I would move very slowly.
Alcoholics need to grow up, sober up and work a program.
They form very bad habits being an alcoholic. My the end of my 34 year career with my addict, I can't stand him. I really don't care for anything about him. Majority of these traits are from his selfish behavior, that he entitled. This is not a man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's sad, but your boyfriend is nothing but a dry drunk.
Sorry, but I would move very slowly.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Iīd say no.
The thing is, with alcoholics itīs not only about the drinking itself, they have behaviors and ways of relating to others that end up hurting the ones around them.
I must confess at some point when I was with xabf I realized I did not like him. There was attraction and loving feelings, but he was just such a complete jerk, even when sober. I donīt think he wouldīve been any different without serious work on himself. His dad used to be an A for decades and also stopped on his own and I really canīt say that he was a very nice person. Perhaps he wasnīt a raging drunk anymore but he did enjoy bullying his wife and kids around, just for kicks.
The thing is, with alcoholics itīs not only about the drinking itself, they have behaviors and ways of relating to others that end up hurting the ones around them.
I must confess at some point when I was with xabf I realized I did not like him. There was attraction and loving feelings, but he was just such a complete jerk, even when sober. I donīt think he wouldīve been any different without serious work on himself. His dad used to be an A for decades and also stopped on his own and I really canīt say that he was a very nice person. Perhaps he wasnīt a raging drunk anymore but he did enjoy bullying his wife and kids around, just for kicks.
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