Queenbee7

Double Mint Gum...
That's what did it..
How can a seemingly innocent pack of gum trigger a grown woman to feel so much pain!!??
My AH always had a pack of Double Mint gum with him. Always..
I guess he had it not only to mask any potential give-away odors that he was drinking, but I assume he also chewed it to relieve his dry mouth and anxiousness due to his crack use. Either way he always had gum.

My addicted husband chose to walk away from our reconciliation and back into the not-so-loving arms of crack use almost a month ago. Something I swore I made peace with. It hurt dam bad yes, but our marriage was obviously over because it was a ONE shot deal to work things out, him get help, and give our marriage another go. Well he did go..out the door and back to crack, so that was that.
Of course as addicts often do HE has tried to make excuses, come back home, keep our relationship. All the while he is high every time I've seen him. (I broke off all contact, even changing my number, But he still comes by when HE wants)
Well today when I dug through my purse for something..there it was.. that stupid pack of gum. I picked it up and smelled it (I swear it smelled like him and the gum mixed together)and man the pain hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart literally ached.
I still ache.
When he first walked out of my life again a month ago. I cried and cried for a few days and then made peace and starting moving forward with my life. Today was the first time since then that I cried and I still want to cry.
Why? Why? Why? Why did I have to fall in love with somebody who loves drugs more then me? Why did I walk down that dam wedding aisle with a man who loves crack more then me? Why did I willing place my heart in that mans hands? The only thing that man wants in his hands is a rock filled crack pipe. Why couldn't I have had my happily ever after?
I have worked hard to remain strong and constantly vigilant to dodge any sweet talk from my husband face to face, I guess I wasn't prepared for the unexpected triggers that can literally sneak up from out of no where..even your purse and a stupid pack of gum.

Thanks for listening. It always feels better to "get it all out".
Anyone else dealing with triggers? What helps you get through them?

hopeful4

Oh man, I completely understand.

I still deal with triggers sometimes. Sometimes it's a smell, the other day it was something that my XAH had programmed onto our DVR to record....TWO YEARS AGO. I guess it just went into reruns, so I saw the reruns recording and it caught me off guard. For myself, it does not make me miss him, but it did remind me that we had some good times as a family watching those shows, and it made me sad that my kids don't have that experience anymore.

I can say that with time, the triggers are not so....triggering.

Many hugs.

zoso77

I was sitting in a sub shop a few weeks ago when a song that was popular when I was with my AXGF came on. It was triggering, to say the least, because it turned out she associated that song with one of the guys she cheated on me with. So I sat and ate my lunch in silence as that song played.

A couple weeks later, that exercise repeated itself with the same song in the same sub shop.

For me, music is a trigger. There's a song that I associate with another ex girlfriend that was deeply triggering. I was telling my current girlfriend about it, and since she's twisted like me, she butchered the lyrics to something I can't post here. It made me laugh out loud. What's funny about this is several weeks later, I was at my brother's retirement party out-of-state and that very song came on! So in my head, I changed the lyrics to the ones my girlfriend wrote in my head. That song no longer has a sting; I think of my girlfriend and thank God she's as warped and as twisted as I am.

So, yes, we all have triggers. For some, it's sound. For others, it may be smell. Or driving down a particular street. Or a specific location. And as uncomfortable as it can be, we have to manage somehow...

...otherwise, it'll manage us...