Day 9: Holding on tight and experiencing epiphanies
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 56
Day 9: Holding on tight and experiencing epiphanies
Day 9:
I hope no one minds that I post here daily as I progress through this journey. It has become quite therapeutic for me. And all of your thoughts, honesty, insights, and well wishes have done me a great service. As I have said on other posts, daily attendance of my local AA group is not possible because I have child care concerns but fortunately my ex-husband has agreed to keep the children so that I can go at least once or twice per week.
Here is what I know for sure at this point in my recovery:
• I do not want to drink anymore
• I can do this
• For several months before deciding that I indeed am an alcoholic, I contemplated whether I was a social drinker, binge drinker, hard drinker, or early stage alcoholic. Then I came to realize, the path that I have been on and the way that I have been using alcohol makes the classification null and void, no matter how I want to classify myself, it does not change the fact that I drink problematically, that since my first drink I have depended upon alcohol to take the edge off of my anxiety, suppress emotion, forget, etc. and that alcoholism is progressive. I came to know that no matter where on the alcoholism spectrum I currently stood, if I kept drinking, I could not stay in that position.
• I have never drunk to just have one or two; my intention was and always has been to get drunk.
• More often than not, particularly in social situations, I used alcohol as a replacement of self-confidence and self-esteem. When I was young, late teens to early twenties, I can forgive myself for using alcohol as a crutch. It often did help me come out of my nervous shell. I made a lot of good friends in college and was able to gain the experience I needed to build actual self-confidence and self-esteem. But what was intended, as a temporary aid became my go-to solution for whenever I felt self-conscious. I am 31 years now and I have enough life experiences, accomplishments, wisdom, and understanding to develop true self-love, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I must abandon what used to work for what is sustainable and not damaging.
• I knew I had a problem a long time ago when I always felt shame after a night of debauchery. I do not want to feel that anymore.
Today, emotionally, I have been feeling depressed and sad. I do not feel the anger that I did yesterday.
I took my little ones (4 and 5) to a garden yesterday evening and their was a Mother Mary statue. The three of us sat on benches and I taught them how to pray. The last week with my children has been the best that it has been in a long time. Even though I never drank in their presence, I had an alcoholic mindset. I didn’t handle the stress of the week well and was nervous and anxious all the time. I didn’t have what I ‘needed’ to cope. Now I am trying to learn other ways to cope and it’s working. I have been a better mother to my children the last 9 days. And that is proof positive that I must not ever take another drink. I didn’t even realize that the reason I was so anxious during the week was because I was going through withdrawals and had come to depend on alcohol to get me through stress. I actually just realized this fact as I write this. I am amazed by the growth I have experienced.
I am holding on tight.
I hope no one minds that I post here daily as I progress through this journey. It has become quite therapeutic for me. And all of your thoughts, honesty, insights, and well wishes have done me a great service. As I have said on other posts, daily attendance of my local AA group is not possible because I have child care concerns but fortunately my ex-husband has agreed to keep the children so that I can go at least once or twice per week.
Here is what I know for sure at this point in my recovery:
• I do not want to drink anymore
• I can do this
• For several months before deciding that I indeed am an alcoholic, I contemplated whether I was a social drinker, binge drinker, hard drinker, or early stage alcoholic. Then I came to realize, the path that I have been on and the way that I have been using alcohol makes the classification null and void, no matter how I want to classify myself, it does not change the fact that I drink problematically, that since my first drink I have depended upon alcohol to take the edge off of my anxiety, suppress emotion, forget, etc. and that alcoholism is progressive. I came to know that no matter where on the alcoholism spectrum I currently stood, if I kept drinking, I could not stay in that position.
• I have never drunk to just have one or two; my intention was and always has been to get drunk.
• More often than not, particularly in social situations, I used alcohol as a replacement of self-confidence and self-esteem. When I was young, late teens to early twenties, I can forgive myself for using alcohol as a crutch. It often did help me come out of my nervous shell. I made a lot of good friends in college and was able to gain the experience I needed to build actual self-confidence and self-esteem. But what was intended, as a temporary aid became my go-to solution for whenever I felt self-conscious. I am 31 years now and I have enough life experiences, accomplishments, wisdom, and understanding to develop true self-love, self-confidence, and self-esteem. I must abandon what used to work for what is sustainable and not damaging.
• I knew I had a problem a long time ago when I always felt shame after a night of debauchery. I do not want to feel that anymore.
Today, emotionally, I have been feeling depressed and sad. I do not feel the anger that I did yesterday.
I took my little ones (4 and 5) to a garden yesterday evening and their was a Mother Mary statue. The three of us sat on benches and I taught them how to pray. The last week with my children has been the best that it has been in a long time. Even though I never drank in their presence, I had an alcoholic mindset. I didn’t handle the stress of the week well and was nervous and anxious all the time. I didn’t have what I ‘needed’ to cope. Now I am trying to learn other ways to cope and it’s working. I have been a better mother to my children the last 9 days. And that is proof positive that I must not ever take another drink. I didn’t even realize that the reason I was so anxious during the week was because I was going through withdrawals and had come to depend on alcohol to get me through stress. I actually just realized this fact as I write this. I am amazed by the growth I have experienced.
I am holding on tight.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
