pearlady

I am sitting in a lot of thoughts and emotions today. Normally, I would want to make the go away, but that would not be conducive to recovery. I have to learn to sit in my anguish.

I'm angry. I'm angry because I am an alcoholic. I am angry for everything that I ever did when I was drunk that did not reflect my values. I am angry that I had no self-esteem. I am angry that I have sold myself so short.

I am angry because my dad is an alcoholic and probably will never seek recovery- he is probably going to die within the next several years. I am angry because I don't have a relationship with him and I love him so much. I acknowledge it and I release it and ask God to help me to deal with it.

I am angry because I am in love with an alcoholic that recently picked up a miserable little drug habit and that drug habit has taken over his entire life- it is his life now. I am angry how his addictions have changed him. I am angry for how his addictions have changed me. I don’t even recognize myself. I am angry for how I am hurt by his recent behavior. I am angry for how his mother hurts. I am angry that I cannot cure him. I am angry that I can't love him into wellness and recovery. I am angry that I thought that I could. I am angry that I spent so much damn money enabling and appeasing him. I accept it now but that doesn't mean that I like it. It doesn't mean that I am not angry as hell that I finally connected with someone in such a spiritual, emotional, and lovely way and I don’t get to keep him. I wanted to have him forever. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to wake up with him everyday and talk in silly British voices. I’m angry. I'm angry. I’m enraged.

I’m angry my mom had a stroke and I’m here and she is there and **** it sucks. I am angry my addict boyfriend can’t even muster or feign concern for me or be there for me- all he is now is an addict. All he could do was ask me for money. He is not who I fell in love with anymore. I told him that I never wanted to give up, and I never would have but I can see that he wants me to and I can’t make him change. I said if you enter recovery and work on it and dedicate your life to it- you can recover. You can recover if you truly want it. But I can’t stand here and be abused. I can’t stand here and watch you die. I said I will always love you and I want to be with you but it’s your call. If you decide to recover, call me. I’ll be there. But I won’t stand witness, enable, or live this way anymore.

I am angry that I have to let him go. I told him once that the only thing worse that losing him would be making the choice to let him go. And now I have made it. And I don’t want to. It’s so unfair. But life isn’t a fairytale and even though he may have told me everyday I was his princess, I am not anymore. Meth is his princess. That’s right I said it. ******* meth. Not ice, not go fast, not crystal. Meth. I’m angry. I want him back.

I can’t do anything about anyone but myself. And whether my dad or my boyfriend decides to enter recovery, I choose it for myself.

My heart is broken. I am angry about it. But I won’t push it down with booze. I won’t push down the heartache with jumping to another boyfriend just to not have to feel the pain. I will sit in this pain. I will grieve. I will allow myself the space to feel for once. I will be sad for a really long time. I don’t want to be with anyone else and if I can’t have him, I will just be alone. But at least I will be sober.

D122y

Vent. We have no control over anyone.

So, get that anger out of you.

Sorry for all the pain in your world. I empathize w you all the way.

My dad is part of the reason i am an addict. Both my sisters are too. My sister is loaded on booze from sun up to sun down. Her teeth all fell out from drugs to boot.

It is a big mess.

You know keeping anger inside will make you depressed and might lead to relapse.

You are still deep in the woods of early sobriety. You have a path to follow, but you can stray so quickly.

This is the best place to vent.

One thing i know to release the emotions and change perspective is exercise. Meditation is good too, but if you have the physical means, i vote exercise.

I do bjj, weights and cardio. It is hard to worry about anything obsessive when i have a 250 lb. Kid trying to choke me unconscious.

That is def. Not for everyone. But, things like standing up from a chair, 200x in a row, will get your mind out of the details.

Don't forget to pray alot too. Reading and Posting here helps me very much as well.

Just do it. We are here for you Pearl.

saoutchik

You have made some very hard but very correct choices pearlady and I am glad that you are staying strong. It is really hard to accept that we have no control over other people's choices but making the right ones ourselves is the best we can do

2ndhandrose

(((pearlady)))

AdelineRose

First off, I just want to say congrats on 8 days sober. Then I want to tell you how strong, intelligent, and driven you come across in your post and I am sure you are that and a million more amazing things in person.

You can't control anyone but yourself, and it seems you are truly accepting that. Just because we know we can't control anyone else, doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt any less when those around us let us down. You have made some really tough decisions, but I know you know deep down that they were the right decision to make. Have you considered going to a counselor? I have found a substance abuse counselor to be an invaluable tool in my recovery and a wonderful resource.

Keep moving forward, and it is difficult in the beginning to start having to deal with all the emotions we have all spent so long numbing with alcohol and drugs. Some healthy ways to deal with anger and other emotions are; working out, journaling, volunteering, going to meetings or creating a sober circle of friends and family, I have found coloring helps get me out of my own mind in a healthy way, finding a new hobby, cleaning helps me, organizing/decluttering and throwing away anything that I don't use anymore (for some reason it helps me move forward to throw out the old so I can bring in the new so to speak), counseling, meditation, breathing techniques, yoga, eating well and just overall taking care of yourself.

You can do this!

Soberwolf

This is known as the emotional rollercoaster it is very common

pearlady

Thank you all for your kind replies.

Thank you Adeline Rose for the compliment. It's been a rough day and I won't be able to make it to a meeting this evening, but I took the time to read the Big Book this morning before work. I took the time today when I was feeling upset to consult the advice of you all. And just now, I read the Big Book online and found a section called "To Wives".

Though I am an alcoholic myself and I relate to all of the stories of recovery in the book in one way or another. I perhaps related most to the "To Wives" section. Passages from this section could have been written expressly for me. I have lived this and I wish I had read some of this advice before I made a lot of mistakes it warns against.

Rar

I'm sorry you're going through this Pearlady. Well done, though, in sticking to the sobriety during this challenging time.

Anna

Pearlady, you're doing great and I know it's painful, but you're on your way.

I, too, was very angry with myself for allowing myself to become an alcoholic and for losing opportunities because my self-esteem was non-existent. I found journaling helped me lot, as you did here today or writing somewhere else. Getting the words out helps take the power from the feelings.