"No Contact"
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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"No Contact"
I am looking for suggestions, advice and support around this. I'm no different to any other ACo in that there is nothing else. Debated about reaching out all here week but I ended up drinking instead.
I'm not in recovery as an ACo other than what I have been able to do for myself. I guess being a neglected child c/w advantages? I first identified as/with ACo from this board, so I am grateful for that.
I'm not in recovery as an ACo other than what I have been able to do for myself. I guess being a neglected child c/w advantages? I first identified as/with ACo from this board, so I am grateful for that.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Not sure I can offer suggestions or advice, but plenty of support. It's been a year and a half since I went no contact with my mom. Everyone's situation is different, I had a lifetime of her not listening to me or caring about my feelings so when she was indifferent to the current pain she was causing me, I decided to "take a break" as my counselor suggested. I blocked her, and her friends (who were abusive) from my phone and social media. That break turned into a year and half and I am more at peace than I have ever been. But everyone is different, I never called or wrote her to explain why, I just stopped contact. I never really tried boundaries because I knew she would trample on them, and I knew I wasn't strong enough to resist and had no desire to expend the energy to try. But those options aren't for everyone. Good luck and keep posting.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Not sure how long it's been for me but that doesn't matter because it's been practically my only goal in life for 10 and 20 years if I'm honest. I could never speak with anyone about it before though, as I said I got the makings of validation for the first time on this board here.
I'm just in a double bind catch 22 situation whereby the good I try to do in the world (not repeating the cycle of abuse) is seemingly the same thing that keeps me locked in a state of semi-contact, being constantly triggered and unable to build my own life in any capacity
As for 'No Contact', my therapist touched upon it briefly in our last session. There's a lot we could talk about and I have decided to park the sex abuse stuff for now, but this is such a major factor that I should be assertive and try to make our conversation about it this week?
I'm just in a double bind catch 22 situation whereby the good I try to do in the world (not repeating the cycle of abuse) is seemingly the same thing that keeps me locked in a state of semi-contact, being constantly triggered and unable to build my own life in any capacity
As for 'No Contact', my therapist touched upon it briefly in our last session. There's a lot we could talk about and I have decided to park the sex abuse stuff for now, but this is such a major factor that I should be assertive and try to make our conversation about it this week?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Was going to post a new thread but here will do. My day was going well until I received a text message:
'Spacegoat, private and confidential letter here for you. I can meet you to give you. Let me know please.'
Actually I posted this thread after something similar last month. Seems fairly innocuous, right? Wrong...
I'm in a complete tailspin over something that seems so simple and straightforward (but believe me it's not)
Despite knowing this person is covert and experiencing flashbacks I feel guilty as they're supposed to be family.
Always pretending to help but without exception my life gets worse. What to do? I almost drank over this...
'Spacegoat, private and confidential letter here for you. I can meet you to give you. Let me know please.'
Actually I posted this thread after something similar last month. Seems fairly innocuous, right? Wrong...
I'm in a complete tailspin over something that seems so simple and straightforward (but believe me it's not)
Despite knowing this person is covert and experiencing flashbacks I feel guilty as they're supposed to be family.
Always pretending to help but without exception my life gets worse. What to do? I almost drank over this...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I made the choice to go no contact with my mother about seven years ago. I don't regret doing it. I did it because I had to get away from her craziness, plain and simple. She was completely suffocating me (as she'd been doing my entire life). I had become strong enough and mature and self-aware enough to know it was inevitable I save myself and my own sanity. I accepted that it didn't mean I didn't love her. I did love her very much. So, I just made the hard choice and followed through and stuck to my decision. She called and called me on the phone. I didn't answer. She never stopped calling. She died about one year later.
I do not regret taking care of myself. I had to do it.
I hope you find the strength to do what is going to help you the most. If that's no contact, you will find support and no judgment here.
I do not regret taking care of myself. I had to do it.
I hope you find the strength to do what is going to help you the most. If that's no contact, you will find support and no judgment here.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
When I went to ACoA for the first time 20 years ago, I knew it was exactly where I belonged. Unfortunately, all that truth at once scared the crap out of me, so I stopped going. If I could turn back time, I'd go right back to ACoA and go there weekly.
I was the family scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family. Not just the nuclear family, but extended family. I had therapists 20 years ago suggest I go "no contact" but I had way too much guilt to do it, and I believed all the lies that everything was my fault.
I finally went "very low contact" a number of years ago. The guilt drove me crazy, worrying about what other people thought drove me crazy, not spending holidays with my family saddened me, and I questioned my decision constantly. I just couldn't allow myself to be happy or at peace.
It's such a shame we live in a stigma-filled society that doesn't understand "but they're you're family...." can do so much damage to someone trying to "deprogram" from a dysfunctional family.
That being said, I know now that going very low contact was the best thing I could've done for myself and my spouse (he was affected by how I was affected, and by observing how they treated me). I was able to finally start really working in therapy, instead of just anxiously venting, looking for validation and reassurance.
The one surprise I did have, however, was that I thought people who go no contact with sick families, wake up feeling joyful, peaceful, content, all physical ailments that were stress related gone, you take up the skiing lessons or art classes you always wanted to do, etc., you know what I mean? Well that did not happen for me. My therapist explained that it rarely does. The hole is always there, you just learn to live around it, he said. Wow that was profound!!
I can honestly say that if I hadn't gone VLC, I would've probably killed myself or died from alcoholism. Not that I'm blaming them for my alcoholism, but with the way we alcoholics/addicts tend to think and react to people who are sick, it just was not a good match.
I've recently dipped my toes in having some contact back, now that I've learned in AA how to react to and think about toxic family members. It's not easy but it's been "mostly" positive so far. I just had to give up that "fantasy" that everything would be just peachy now, and it'd be Brady Bunch moments from here. Nope. Why? Because they haven't changed and probably never will. But I've changed. And I have control over how I think and react around them. And I know now that, to quote "Good Will Hunting", it's not my fault.
Only you can make the decision to go no contact. But do not let anyone tell you "but, but it's your "family"!!" Most people just don't get it. Even some therapists (the bad ones) don't. Don't make the life long mistake I did of looking for reassurance.
Trust your gut and really think the decision through. Know that there will be hurt feelings. Can you handle that?
The one thing I would suggest you ponder doing before going no contact, would be to try to set boundaries and limits and see if they respect them or not. If they are just too sick to do so, then at least you tried and perhaps going no contact or very low contact (occasional very short phone calls and not divulging personal information, keep things on the surface) would be the best thing for you to do.
In retrospect, I wish I had been strong enough to set boundaries and limitations all those years ago, instead of going very low contact, but I just wasn't. There was so much guilt, emptiness, etc. over my decision, but in the end I had to do it for my own mental health and emotional & spiritual growth.
I feel like I was trapped in a tornado and going very low contact was my only way out to survive. But now that I am healthier, I am trying to love them and have compassion for them, from afar and with boundaries.
Hope that helped. Good luck to you.
Edit: One last suggestion that I wish I had done. Have a set thing you tell people--you know, coworkers, your hairdresser, your friends--when they ask about your family/holidays, etc. You do not have to explain yourself. Come up with a white lie or something. It's no one's business, and no one will understand it unless they lived it.
I was the family scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family. Not just the nuclear family, but extended family. I had therapists 20 years ago suggest I go "no contact" but I had way too much guilt to do it, and I believed all the lies that everything was my fault.
I finally went "very low contact" a number of years ago. The guilt drove me crazy, worrying about what other people thought drove me crazy, not spending holidays with my family saddened me, and I questioned my decision constantly. I just couldn't allow myself to be happy or at peace.
It's such a shame we live in a stigma-filled society that doesn't understand "but they're you're family...." can do so much damage to someone trying to "deprogram" from a dysfunctional family.
That being said, I know now that going very low contact was the best thing I could've done for myself and my spouse (he was affected by how I was affected, and by observing how they treated me). I was able to finally start really working in therapy, instead of just anxiously venting, looking for validation and reassurance.
The one surprise I did have, however, was that I thought people who go no contact with sick families, wake up feeling joyful, peaceful, content, all physical ailments that were stress related gone, you take up the skiing lessons or art classes you always wanted to do, etc., you know what I mean? Well that did not happen for me. My therapist explained that it rarely does. The hole is always there, you just learn to live around it, he said. Wow that was profound!!
I can honestly say that if I hadn't gone VLC, I would've probably killed myself or died from alcoholism. Not that I'm blaming them for my alcoholism, but with the way we alcoholics/addicts tend to think and react to people who are sick, it just was not a good match.
I've recently dipped my toes in having some contact back, now that I've learned in AA how to react to and think about toxic family members. It's not easy but it's been "mostly" positive so far. I just had to give up that "fantasy" that everything would be just peachy now, and it'd be Brady Bunch moments from here. Nope. Why? Because they haven't changed and probably never will. But I've changed. And I have control over how I think and react around them. And I know now that, to quote "Good Will Hunting", it's not my fault.
Only you can make the decision to go no contact. But do not let anyone tell you "but, but it's your "family"!!" Most people just don't get it. Even some therapists (the bad ones) don't. Don't make the life long mistake I did of looking for reassurance.
Trust your gut and really think the decision through. Know that there will be hurt feelings. Can you handle that?
The one thing I would suggest you ponder doing before going no contact, would be to try to set boundaries and limits and see if they respect them or not. If they are just too sick to do so, then at least you tried and perhaps going no contact or very low contact (occasional very short phone calls and not divulging personal information, keep things on the surface) would be the best thing for you to do.
In retrospect, I wish I had been strong enough to set boundaries and limitations all those years ago, instead of going very low contact, but I just wasn't. There was so much guilt, emptiness, etc. over my decision, but in the end I had to do it for my own mental health and emotional & spiritual growth.
I feel like I was trapped in a tornado and going very low contact was my only way out to survive. But now that I am healthier, I am trying to love them and have compassion for them, from afar and with boundaries.
Hope that helped. Good luck to you.
Edit: One last suggestion that I wish I had done. Have a set thing you tell people--you know, coworkers, your hairdresser, your friends--when they ask about your family/holidays, etc. You do not have to explain yourself. Come up with a white lie or something. It's no one's business, and no one will understand it unless they lived it.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Really appreciate the lengthy response, Centered. I'm also the scapegoat as you may have guessed. I was the golden child at one time but rebelled.
There is a lot take in and it's getting late. I'l go over your post again tomorrow, I do relate to most of it. I am already no contact with my FOO, again.
Hey J thank you too, you have helped me a lot in the past as have others. I have not been able to thank everyone individually just yet, I will though.
This today was actually an aunt, but an aunt who has been enmeshed within the dynamic for as long as I can remember bar when we lived oversea.
She's just as bad if not worse as she comes bearing gifts and the like. Yet all she does is manipulate, control and sabotage. Difficult to fathom t'was.
Had not thought of my mother in some time. I'm sure she's just as demonic as ever, probably even worse. I've been kinda working on forgiving her.
Only for myself though as she is not going to change, hate to say that but. You both know how difficult this all is. I'm more annoyed with this aunt.
She basically hijacked what was my last ditch attempt at recovery, going homeless, only to make things even worse. Wanted to know everything.
Turns out she too was enjoying my suffering. Aside from invalidating what's heavy stuff, she even reperpetuated my mothers tactics I'd told her.
Don't know what else to say. I hope you are both well. I was half thinking of doing something I've been hearing a while, which is pray for them???
There is a lot take in and it's getting late. I'l go over your post again tomorrow, I do relate to most of it. I am already no contact with my FOO, again.
Hey J thank you too, you have helped me a lot in the past as have others. I have not been able to thank everyone individually just yet, I will though.
This today was actually an aunt, but an aunt who has been enmeshed within the dynamic for as long as I can remember bar when we lived oversea.
She's just as bad if not worse as she comes bearing gifts and the like. Yet all she does is manipulate, control and sabotage. Difficult to fathom t'was.
Had not thought of my mother in some time. I'm sure she's just as demonic as ever, probably even worse. I've been kinda working on forgiving her.
Only for myself though as she is not going to change, hate to say that but. You both know how difficult this all is. I'm more annoyed with this aunt.
She basically hijacked what was my last ditch attempt at recovery, going homeless, only to make things even worse. Wanted to know everything.
Turns out she too was enjoying my suffering. Aside from invalidating what's heavy stuff, she even reperpetuated my mothers tactics I'd told her.
Don't know what else to say. I hope you are both well. I was half thinking of doing something I've been hearing a while, which is pray for them???
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Oh gee Bobbie, wow… Awkward! I'm actually afraid of love from other people, namely anyone who I haven't raised from birth. I need a dog. Or a gorilla, even.
Thank's anyway though, I will respond in the other thread later in musical form. Quick comment to you soberclover; You may be surprised as to why that is so.
I was, once I began looking into it. It was the complete opposite of how I'd always felt. I read a short article this morning on the subject: The Scapegoat Identity
Thank's anyway though, I will respond in the other thread later in musical form. Quick comment to you soberclover; You may be surprised as to why that is so.
I was, once I began looking into it. It was the complete opposite of how I'd always felt. I read a short article this morning on the subject: The Scapegoat Identity
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Thanks for posting a great article on the subject.
Seriously, my dogs helped me a lot. Pets are very therapeutic in regards to love, trust, etc.
My former therapist and I once talked about the popular quote "I was raised by wolves" and how that's actually an insult to wolves. How? because at least if I was raised by wolves, I'd know how to be a wolf.
Not that I blame my parents. After doing all my step work I truly see they loved me in the only ways they knew how and they did the best they could with what they had. When people live in so much fear, they are blocked from love.
Seriously, my dogs helped me a lot. Pets are very therapeutic in regards to love, trust, etc.
My former therapist and I once talked about the popular quote "I was raised by wolves" and how that's actually an insult to wolves. How? because at least if I was raised by wolves, I'd know how to be a wolf.
Not that I blame my parents. After doing all my step work I truly see they loved me in the only ways they knew how and they did the best they could with what they had. When people live in so much fear, they are blocked from love.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by Spacegoat 
I was half thinking of doing something I've been hearing a while, which is pray for them???
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I have ended up as a recovering ACOA by default. In other words, I got too old and tired to associate with people, blood or not, who upset me.
For me the bigger picture came as a question: "Why hang out with people so you can fight with them?" This seems to reduce the issues to a manageable size. As a result I am no contact now with both sisters and my former partner.
For me the bigger picture came as a question: "Why hang out with people so you can fight with them?" This seems to reduce the issues to a manageable size. As a result I am no contact now with both sisters and my former partner.
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