CoDnoMore

Yep, you read it right. Been with her 13 yrs, married 11 yrs this July. She binged last Nov/Dec again. I didn't understand the disease at this point and lost it, and threatened divorce and she reluctantly went into intense outpatient ttmt. I went in for friends and family sessions, supported her best I could while working. Within 5 mos. of being sober and she's sleeping with her male "temporary sponsor". Not even concerned that she was groomed and taken advantage of. Nobody at AA apparently is concerned either. I talked with her female sponsor, and she places no accountability on AAs part, and recommended counseling (!). The guy is a biker, has no job, no education, is collecting SSI for a disability, and is 15 yrs older than her. He convinced her to buy a Harley. She's a Physician's Assist, I'm a professional engineer, and I put her through school. Now after being there for her, and pushing her into recovery, my repayment will be that she'll get half my retirement/401K, and the house, which her unemployed AA sponsor BF will undoubtedly share with her in my absence. The neighbors are going to love seeing this tatted up predator cutting the lawn and a seeing a bunch of HDs parked in the front yard. I made a huge mistake in choosing this woman and am pursuing a divorce this week. I thought she'd get sober and thank me. Instead I'm the cause of all her problems. She was an AH with a .21 DUI before I met her, but I'm the problem. Life is funny some times, but I'm not laughing! Thanks for allowing me to vent. I was "sharing" I suppose.

LeeJane

Sorry for your pain.

Sadly this is not uncommon. The insanity of alcoholism doing what it does.

dandylion

Hi, Rocky......and Welcome!
This is a tremendously difficult time for you, I know. I hope that you will stick around and benefit from the learning and support.....

I have sent you a private message (PM)....look for the blinking button at the top, right hand side of the page....

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Hi Rocky, that's a huge blow and I don't blame you for being angry. Life can seem unfair, but try to move past that and tell yourself you can't control other people but you can control your life and reactions from now on.

Jsober

Thanks for sharing. She is the one causing this divorce by being unfaithful. Does she still get half of everything? That doesn't seem right.

maia1234

Rbb,
I am so sorry, I know it hurts. Some one said to me a while back when I was feeling sorry for myself,

"Be patient!! The one thing I know about jerks like your " wife" , she will screw up!! Be patient. It might not happen as fast as you would like it to, but I can guarantee you, she will screw up!!!!!!!"

I am sure you havent heard the last from her. Do what you need to do. See an attorney and move forward. I did after 34 years with my axh. It hurts, but after cutting ties, it hurts less. Hugs to you my friend, Sending you strength and support.

Ariesagain

I'm so sorry.

It probably won't help at the moment, but as I have gotten older, I realize that the one thing we can't buy more of is time...let alone quality time. Staying stressed out doing her addictive dance for more of your precious months and years...this will free you from that and from the collapse when this new "relationship" of hers implodes and she relapses.

You will be free to shape your own life.

Sending you a hug.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

The problem with AA and other similar problems is that it's not like a job. These are regular people who don't have any formal training in most cases. So honestly, it's not really AA's fault, it's hers.

I am sorry for all you are going through. Keep coming back and vent away! It will help. You are not alone.

Eauchiche

Dear Rocky
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
I don't know the laws up there, but will she REALLY get half of everything with the income she has?
I wonder if you could find a family law attorney to help you out here?

LexieCat

You should consult with an attorney, but "fault" has nothing to do with the division of marital property. That's governed by the laws of your jurisdiction, and spouses don't get "punished" for bad behavior by taking away their property and giving it to the "innocent" spouse. You each have property interests in what you accumulated together during the marriage. Just as she will have rights, though, so do you. You'll have property interests in her retirement savings as well.

I'd suggest you see a lawyer ASAP to protect yourself financially.

I'm sorry for what happened, but it isn't AA's responsibility--each group is autonomous and each group member acts as an individual. There are unscrupulous people in every organization, and there are, unfortunately, some people in AA who will take advantage of others.

CoDnoMore

Thanks to everyone for replying, I'm getting emotional over here reading your support messages. To one who PMed me, you know who you are... I can't PM back until I have 5 posts. To answer your Q though, she wasn't a PA until 10 yrs after her DUI so the board has no idea of her addication. She was reluctant to go to ttmt for years because she thought of the implications to her work. Although she has not had a DUI since becoming a pro, she did total the car last summer and drive it from the scene, home. She can't remember where she was or what she hit, but is "positive" it was not a person or car. She was never caught and nobody reported any damage. I was away working across the country. I returned, and she lied, making up some b.s. excuse... but I knew deep down. No accident report was filed, but insurance paid. I couldn't believe that one. Anyway, she fessed up recently that she was hammered, having gone to a bar after golf. She was petrified all night that the cops would knock on the door. She went to work the next day, waking and hoping it was a dream. She said she lied because she thought I would turn her in. No, I wouldn't have, because my sick goal was to protect her, like a parent would a child. Today I met with my lawyer and put the retainer fee down to begin the process. I am still in love with this woman, and still want to fix it... but I know that I can't. I've tears streaming down my face thinking of life without her. I also became emotional after reading the messages of support. Thank you, it means so much to me to know that there are others that are on my side, when it seems the entire AA org is against me because I was her "stressor".

Bekindalways

Welcome Rocky and so sad for what brings you here.

What you are going through is beyond painful. It has been decades since I left my qualifier (who I loved deeply) and I still remember the pain. I honestly believed people died before they felt that much pain.

Your wife is not in recovery. Blaming an external "stressor" is not part of an AA program. Such blame is part of alcoholism. She may or may not be drinking but she is a long way from recovery.

I'm happy to hear you have seen a lawyer and are starting the process. Please take care of yourself in every way you can. What you are going through is no joke. The next few months may feel like you are climbing an emotional Everest every day without oxygen. Circle whatever wagons you have: friends, family, exercise, good food, hobbies You will need them.

Ariesagain

This times a million.

Not sure what kind of recovery program would ever endorse this...it is up to the person in recovery to take 100% responsibility for their decision to drink or not.

CoDnoMore

Her sponsor replies to my texts venting about their group's predator effing my wife with stuff like, "you seem to be blaming others for this, have you taken inventory yourself". I cannot believe it, although she agrees what he did is wrong, she won't confront him directly. She forwarded one of my texts to the scumbag (w/out asking me first), I haven't heard a reply thank God. I'm pissed at this moment thinking of this, because I've been brainwashed by this b.s. and apologized emphatically to my wife for being the stressor and source of her AH (can you believe it?) and she still won't leave this guy. I think of all the times she begged me to forgive her following a catastrophe... and I did... up until I put my foot down 5 mos. ago. Now I'm tossed aside like yesterday's news.

If the scumbag sponsor had any money I'd sue civilly following this divorce. However, like most seasoned AHs, he doesn't have a pot to **** in.

maia1234

RBB,
You are going to have a bunch of different emotions. We all understand as most of us here have had their addicts have an affair on them. It hurts but you have to look long term. You don't want to become the raging, angry husband. You want her to see carefree, fun loving, happy person. She will try and get you to argue with her, don't engage. You will be educating yourself about detaching from your wife and she won't understand why she can't engage with you. See, when she fights with you, she can say " he's the raging husband, and thats why I had the affair". By ignoring her and not dealing with her your life gets better.

I know it hurts and you still love her, what I found out is that you don't have to stop "loving" your addict. You can love her from a distance and let her be. See how this transforms you in a calmer person. Hugs my friend, take care of yourself.

CoDnoMore

Here's another revelation. She had bought this book on her kindle on March 1.
"When Divorce Isn't an Option. How to rekindle Love..."

So, apparently, this guy did groom her, and he worked quickly.

LexieCat

Um, excuse me, but you're talking about two different "sponsors"? Just because she met the guy at AA doesn't make him her sponsor.

I do agree that people aware of those kinds of actions by group members should try to do something, but not everyone is capable of handling confrontations. A sponsor is just another AA member willing to guide someone through the Steps. They aren't responsible for their sponsees and are not their babysitters.

He does sound like a predator, but even though she may be vulnerable, she sounds capable of leaving him if she wanted to.

If I were you I'd be talking to a lawyer and getting my ducks in a row so I could get on with my life.

And, incidentally, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on legally, even if he DID have a pot to **** in. "Heart balm statutes" have abolished actions for things like alienation of affection in every jurisdiction I'm aware of.

Living well is the best revenge.

dandylion

Rocky.....(I am the one that sent you the PM). I forgot that you might need more posting time.....

My guess is that she has emotional baggage and issues, from way before she met you, to work through. Probably from her early years.....true recovery will entail, eventually, working through all that......
This will all take time.....putting down the bottle is only step one.

You haven't mentioned if you have any kind of personal counselor or therapist or support group for yourself (unless I missed that).
You are going to need that as much as she does.....and, I am pretty sure that you are in a (necessary) grieving process, as well......

Your anger is understandable.....but, if it is any consolation for you....this guy is a transition relationship....they are, most always. They, almost always, don't last after the initial attraction wears off and "reality" begins.....
Alcoholics who quit drinking...especially when they are well into their disease, do so when their life has become, pretty much, a shambles in lots of areas.....
they are like a turtle without their protective shells....when they can't use alcohol to cope with their feelings....
Recovery groups entail a lot of sharing emotions and intimate information. For an emotionally needy person....they can easily interpret these relationships as "love". And, it also gives a new focus that relieves them from focusing on their real issues.....
They are so vulnerable and it is easy to latch onto any thing that makes them "feel better".....even though they may have been warned not to!
When the new relationship hits conflict (as all relationships eventually do...it is a frequent precipitation for relapse.......

I encourage you to read through the sticky, at the top of the page...called "Classic Reading".......knowledge is power.....

Also, I hope that you keep reading.....there are literally thousands of real life stories, here.....
One day at a time, you will evolve through this.....

dandylion

CoDnoMore

Thanks for the info LC, he was her initial sponsor, and he was reassigned to a female... still is IA to initiate a relationship so early on per AA GLs.
Regarding the success of any potential civil litigation, I can always nice send a demand letter and file and make him lawyer up. I have resources to spare, he doesn't. Thank you again for the response and good advice, I have begun the legal process of divorce.

DDLion, I appreciate your PM and advice as well. I plan on attending ALANON. There is free counseling available to me at work as well that I'll take advantage of for sure. I've been there before, during a bout of her binges a couple of yrs ago, and it was helpful.

Peace everyone

tomsteve

"when it seems the entire AA org is against me because I was her "stressor"."

you know thatsa line if BS.
no ones against you. and those that are blaming you aren't important.

yer wife doesn't have a sponsor. she has a predator.
that's all gonna fall apart pretty quick, just like every other sober upromance ive seen.

best keep the divorce proceedings rolling before the honeymoons over.

and quit texting some so called sponsor!