Tree777

This is my first post on sober recovery. I have 18 months and have found myself wanting to hide and chain smoke. I feel really disappointed by my sponsor . Although she always calls me back , she is frequently distracted. I hardly ever see her at meetings and when I do she is usually taking to another girl she sponsors. I'm a bit jealous I suppose. This girl takes up a lot of Her time and they seem like best friends . I long for that relationship with her or some sort of similar depth, but even when I ask her for a good time to talk, she is still preoccupied .:/ she is also going through a divorce and it's messy. So I don't mean to be a demanding jerk, but I only talk to her once a week. I'm frustrated on the lack of connection and loneliness I feel when I talk to her. So I end up going to self pity and crying, smoking blah blah ... Old behavior. I have worked all 12 steps , except for step 9. I haven't made any amends yet . I know I'm not supposed to depend on anyone but God but I really miss having the close relationship of a sponsor . .
My second issue is I am attending a big book study full of big book thumpers and hard core recovery . Everyone there seems so happy and joyful . For the last 6 months this group has helped me so much in staying sober . Relying on my home group and sponsor (suggested I call once a week to check in ) is not enough. Lately though I feel stagnate and conflicted with attending this meeting. I feel like I'm at a point where I cannot longer just attend this meeting, I need to become more active . However my awkwardness and self centeredness keep me at a distance from everyone and I don't fit in. Last night at a speaker meeting the leader of the groups said that at a year she felt like dying and if this is sobriety she didn't want it. That's how I feel at 18 months just so utterly alone. Instead a point where if I want to keep attending this group I feel like I need to step up my program . Maybe even switch sponsors.😟 or just turn away and accept my current home group and situation. Problem is I feel like I'm dying in my current home group. When I try to reach out, I consistently am getting blown off. Then I wonder if switching groups /sponsors would even work. Maybe I'm just incapable of getting this thing. My current sponsors an amazing woman and yet I'm still struggling with addiction and sobriety . Feeling hopeless and confused . Thx for reading

KissMyTiara

I am not involved in AA anymore for various reasons but several years ago I was. Some observations I made with regard to sponsors is it seems those that have several sponsees tend to be less effective due to other sponsee obligations. Especially as yours does with a messy divorce. I have also found many people willing to sponsor may be sober and have worked the steps just aren't good at it. Sort of like you could be a valedictorian and super book smart you just don't cut it to teach what you know to others.

Berrybean

Hi Tree. Since I worked the steps and am more stable my sponsor doesn't spend so much time with me. Just trying to understand where you're at... where are you with your step work, and what do you do to work on your recovery (your own daily maintenance work ) at the moment?

sugarbear1

Try working those 12 steps again from the beginning. Maybe you can lose that self-centeredness and start to sponsor someone else now. Find a new sponsor, if you feel you need to. It's your recovery!At 5 years, I still meet with my sponsor once a week for an hour or two.

tursiops999

Hi Tree, if you feel like you want to be more connected in AA, might I suggest a service commitment? I am not active in AA any more, but when I was, the service commitment really helped me connect with others and feel a part of AA.

For me it helped also to remember that sponsors are human ... they're not there to fulfill our every need for companionship, connection, advice, etc. They're there to teach how to work the steps. I felt like, for me at least, it was dangerous to have too many expectations about the relationship, and just accept it for what it was.

Tree777

Thank you for your comment. Very helpful

Tree777

Thank you for your responses. I'm trying to live and 10, 11 and 12. I guess I just miss having the close relationship with my sponsor. I just picked up a new Sponsee. I've had a hard time with my last Sponsee sticking around, so it's a little discouraging. I also try to be of service but I guess I'm so painfully self-absorbed. Thank you so much for your comments. I need to watch my expectations and stay in gratitude.

D122y

Welcome. Reading here and posting has kept me clean.

No sponser here. AA meetings are a rarity for me.

I use an SR support network.

I have 100.s of awesome online folks here at SR.

Usually w in a few minutes I have feedback on any vent, question, or thereputic mystery I need solved or satiated.

Why?

I am very slow to trust people in real life. I have known some people for my entire life and they have let me down. I harbor no I'll will. I chalk it up to life.

One thing that turns me off to sponsers, is some have offered a pretty scary past. The whole honesty thing.

There is no back ground check....no psych. eval.

Do I want a stranger knowing my most intimate business?

While I am addicted to alcohol, I am a pretty tame kid. Stories of 6 dui.s or killing someone hasn't caused me a feeling of attraction. Just me.

I guess if my past was more dramatic or horrible or if i had nothing to lose e,g, homeless....I might be attracted?...not sure.

So, a sponser is great friend for coffee or lunch, 12 step work, chat about current events, but considering my issues, I likely will never trust a sponser enough to really count on them.

If I decay into a alcohol induced mess ever again, I will change my plan, and might involve a sponser, but for now....SR is my God given savior.

Thanks for the post.

Thank God for SR.

shockozulu

My sponsor was good for two things, steps and traditions. She was the first to tell me she isn't my therapist, doctor or my sounding block for every little thing that ticked me off. Let me tell you though, I came out a much better person for that work.

It took me a while before I was ready and there are many other equally good ways to get and stay sober. SMART and SR are the tools I use now.

Irnldy001

I also have a distant relationship with my sponsor. I needed her to be just what she is because I have to live my life in two parts. 1) recovering alcohohlic 2) Mother, wife, full time professional.
I can't have the two lives overlap at all. She knows and respects this. It means some of our steps are slower. She is amazing at working it through with me. I make sure to check in by text because I know she WILL NOT HOUND ME. That is not the job of AA. It took us 5 months to get through all of step 4 because of my outside life. But we got there. She has 5 other sponsees and trust me, she LIVES the AA life. She agrees that she and I will not experience AA the same way EVER because our life demands are so different
BUT
She continues to work with me and remains comitted to working her 12 step and working towards helping me complete my first true 12. I am now about 18 months sober and I havent completed the whole 12 steps. I used to be upset about it. Now I live and let God.
I know she cares - and I know she's there if I call. Her life is inundated by AA. She has a million AA'ers at her side all the time. Its one of the few times I am not jealous. We get each other. I suggest you get a sponsor that gets YOU for who you are right now. Later on you may be able to handle a more hands off sponsor who checks in once or twice a week.
Right now I meet my sponsor once a week for about 2 hrs and we text. I see her at two meetings a week but it's not work just fellowship. It works for me. Find what works for you.
Best.

Berrybean

Do you have other AA friends that you could form a more mutual support network with? I have a couple of close ones (one who shares the same sponsor as me, so we're like AA sisters lol). We text each other between meetings, meet for coffee, etc. It's nice.

You say you're trying to live 10 11 12, but what does that look like for you? Is there something more you can add in. When you speak to your sponsor maybe this a specific discussion you could have. The sponsors role is to guide us through the steps so that we can hopefully do what we can to work for a recovery and sobriety like they have.

I also listened to a lot of the speaker recordings on these steps to immerse myself in them and get some ideas of what I could do to be more engaged in things. The recordings really help me to keep a focus, and I listen to them regularly on my commute. 5500+ AA Speakers & Tapes - Organized & Mobile-Friendly!

I'm at the same stage as you from the sounds of it. My daily plan look like this...

Daily AA prayers
Trying to incorporate meditation - not going too well (going to monthly AA meditation days to help me get the hand of this a bit more)
Reading AA and other spiritual literature daily
Contact sponsor at least once a week to check in or as necessary for specifics
Be mindful of my HP throughout the day
Regular contact / meets with close AA friends problem a couple of times a week
Meetings
Service position at home group (secretary at the moment )
Listen to AA Speaker recordings daily
Trying to apply the principles to all areas of my life and doing step 10 inventory on this end of day (not written, done as prayer)
Read and post on here every day. Help others if possible.


When I think back, I used to contact my sponsor a lot at the beginning because I wasn't sure what the next right thing to do was. I wanted to do the right thing, but after years of using self and ego as motivators I felt a but lost on doing 'right', so I'd call her. She'd ask what I thought I should do, and I'd tell her. As it got so most of the time my gut instinct was proved to be okay, I got more confident (as per the promises). What do you think you need from your sponsor? If you can identify that, perhaps it'll be easier to find new ways of satisfying that need - hopefully using your own HP.

I reckon you can figure this out. We can try and help if you like.

Gottalife

"I have worked all 12 steps , except for step 9."

Elephant in the room. Dr Bob couldn't get away without working step 9, though he tried, he ended up drunk. What makes you think you can?

We make a big song and dance about "the promises" which describe the result of a spiritual awakening which happens "before we are half way through."

That is half way through step 9, they are the step 9 promises. Page 84 if you care to read them.

I can't help feeling your sponsor dependency may be rooted in the fact that you have yet to have your spiritual awakening. You may still be blocked from the sunlight of the Spirit.

Mountainmanbob

That might be a good place to find a new sponsor??
Nothing wrong with letting one go -- I have let a couple go.
Worked out for the very best in my case -- possibly also yours??

MB